What do you do when the man you love won’t talk to you or work on your problems?

That’s what Joyce wanted to know.

She showed up in my office, a graceful woman in her late 50s. She’d been married to her husband for decades. He’d been loving and kind when they first got together. But everything changed once he turned 60.

He shut down and stopped talking to her. He wouldn’t sleep with her anymore. She felt like he blamed her for all their problems. He’d been talking to a younger woman at work, and she worried he was considering an affair.

She tried to get him to talk about what was going on, but he responded with anger. He told her to stop nagging him.

She was desperate to get through to him. If things continued the way they were, there wouldn’t be much of a marriage left.

When He Shuts You Out

There are few things more painful than watching the one you love recklessly run your relationship into the ground.

You can see everything you’ve achieved together: the years together, the home, the love, the trust, so many good things…

And now he’s acting like none of it was worth anything at all.

Why doesn’t he see that your relationship is worth saving?

Why does he seem so determined to destroy everything you’ve built together?

You try to talk to him, but he won’t talk. You try to fix things, but he won’t participate.

He won’t go to counseling. He won’t admit anything is wrong. He’s not the problem; he thinks the problem is you.

It is incredibly hard to stay strong and centered when the person you rely on most is the very one putting up walls against you.

That’s why the very first thing you need to do—urgently—is shore up your emotional support network.

Who can you talk to about what’s going on? Who will support you in the ways you need to be supported? Where can you go if you need a safe place to let your grief or anger out?

Once you have that in place, move on to these three steps…

Step 1.
Stop Talking About Problems (Talk About This Instead)

We’re taught that talking solves everything—or at least most things.

You’ve got to communicate. You’ve got to let each other know how you feel.

That is a great strategy—if your partner is willing to do it with you.

But what if he isn’t?

Working through problems is hard. If he doesn’t have the motivation, hearing about your problems just serves as a reminder of all the ways in which your relationship is flawed.

Forcing him to talk when he doesn’t want to also creates resistance.

Now he’s even less inclined to talk with you, because he doesn’t want to give in to the pressure you’re putting on him.

So put those hard conversations on a shelf for a bit. Talk about things that spark positive emotions instead.

By avoiding criticism and keeping your conversations positive for now, you help him see that it’s safe to talk to you.

Step 2.
Make Positive Changes

Men don’t want to work on their relationship when they see it as a dead weight dragging them down.

But there’s one feeling that can change their mind:

Surprise.

When you surprise him by not behaving the way he expects, he gets thrown off guard.

Until now, he’s been able to take you for granted because your life together was predictable.

But what if it’s no longer predictable?

What if the woman he’s with—who he thinks he knows so well—starts behaving in ways that suggest he doesn’t know her as well as he thought he did?

This is the root of hope. If one person can change, maybe the relationship can change, too.

So start thinking of ways you can make a positive change in your life.

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do but put off? Is there a certain kind of energy you need in your life right now?

What about a little adventure or excitement? What about making new friends or joining a new social group?

Do whatever it is that makes you feel alive.

Step 3.
Bring That Aliveness Back to Your Relationship

Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests that affairs are not necessarily motivated by the desire to be with a new person.

They’re also motivated by the desire to be a new version of ourselves.

Men who are facing the challenges of getting older sometimes think that being with a new woman will bring back that spark and make them feel young and alive again.

But a new lover isn’t the only way to feel more alive.

Being with a long-term partner who’s rediscovering her enthusiasm with life can do it, too.

Fall in love with your life again—for yourself as well as him. Bring that energy back to your relationship.

If he grumbles and questions you, tell him that he’s helped you rethink some things. Maybe he’s right. Maybe things haven’t been working as well as you thought they were. You’re going to try improving things, starting with yourself.

You may just find that, as you change, he starts to see you—and your relationship—through new eyes.