What’s the #1 reason people don’t get into relationships?
You know this…
It’s because they’re worried about getting hurt.
And why are they worried?
Because they’ve been there before.
That first big breakup can scar you for life.
The pain swamps you. You NEVER want to feel this way again.
And yet a life without love isn’t an option.
So what can do you do?
You can learn to trust in your own ability to heal.
Living life to the fullest means you’ll get scraped and bruised. You can either get angry at yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt…
OR you can make it a practice of lovingly tending to those scrapes and bruises…
Knowing they’ll heal and you’ll be back out there enjoying life soon.
Here are 3 emotional wounds you’ll need to tend to after a breakup, and how to do it.
1. Feeling unlovable.
The worst part of a breakup is feeling him withdraw his love from you.
It was once so warm, and now it’s cold.
You’re not his special person anymore. He’s turned his back on you.
And if you end up seeing him with someone else, the pain jabs you like a knife.
Why did he pick her over you?
What does she have that you don’t?
Let’s back up a moment.
Imagine that you are an extraordinary sculptor…
You make these beautiful visions out of clay that come to you in your dreams.
One day, you enter a competition.
You’re so excited. You know your work is good.
You don’t even place.
Immediately, you’re struck with self-doubt.
Are you as good as you thought you were?
Is everyone else really so much better than you?
Maybe you should just give up.
Maybe you’re fooling yourself.
But you know what would happen if you stopped sculpting?
Those beautiful visions you have in your dreams would never come alive in clay.
There would be a hole in your life.
This thing that gives you so much pleasure would be gone.
Is the opinion of some all-too-human judge REALLY worth giving up what makes your heart sing?
Of course not!
You don’t sculpt because you need the approval of others.
You do it because your heart yearns to express itself.
Love is like that.
The art of loving another person is a practice that brings you joy.
It’s wonderful when that other person gives you approval and makes you feel special.
But you don’t love in order to get his approval.
You love because this is what you do.
This is your heart yearning to express itself.
And nothing he does can stop you from using your heart for what it was meant to do.
2. Stuck emotions
After a relationship ends, there are so many intense feelings swirling inside you.
Love and hate and desire and anger and longing and repulsion.
You want to dump those feelings on him.
Make HIM feel as bad as you’re feeling right now.
But would that help?
You need to find a way to discharge those intense emotions so they’re no longer hurting you OR anyone else.
Dr. Emily Nagoski calls this completing the stress response cycle.
It’s a practice everyone should have in their self-care toolkit.
It includes three strategies:
- Exercise. Emotions get lodged in your body. Work them out. Get your heart pumping. Go hard until you can feel that tension release.
- Seek safety. Find comfort in someone who can hold you, either emotionally or physically. Ask for a big long hug or a cuddle.
- Sleep. A lot of healing happens overnight while we sleep. Our brains use that time to process memories, draining the emotional charge away as your brain sorts through the confusing patterns and learns from the experience.
3. The gaping hole he left behind
Relationships take up so much of our lives.
When they’re over, there’s this absence.
What did you even do before you met him?
I challenge you to flip that question:
What did your relationship STOP you from doing?
What did you really enjoy doing that you no longer had time for in the relationship?
What did you want to do, but he never wanted to do?
Relationships keep us busy, but they also force us to compromise.
We don’t have as much time to spend on ourselves, or other friendships.
So start thinking about all the ways in which your relationship held you back or constricted you or hampered you…
And use your freedom to explore those possibilities.
The period after a breakup is incredibly painful…
But it can also lead to big breakthroughs.
You have a chance to start over.
You have a chance to do things your way.
And nothing a man can do to you will ever take away your right to love with all your heart.