Jessica dated Kevin for 7 months. In that time, she never met his family. She was never welcomed into his close circle of friends. He was often vague about his schedule. He even avoided deep conversations, especially about the future.
After more than half a year, in spite of the fact that she still cared for him, Jessica did something about it. She dumped him.
“I didn’t see it going anywhere,” she explains. “He was just closed off to me. There’s no future in that.”
Sadly, she’s right. If a man won’t really let you into his life, that’s usually a sign he doesn’t see the relationship as a lasting thing.
Of course, guys don’t tend to open up as quickly as women.
When a guy is slow to enter into state-of-the-relationship talks, that doesn’t necessarily mean he views what you have as a fling. Many men keep their inner thoughts and feelings heavily guarded and may need some coaxing and patience to open up. There’s no need to bail at the first sign of a wall.
But if he keeps putting up walls? If he shows no indication of ever letting you in?
In that case, you have a tough decision to make.
But before we get to that, here’s what you should not do. You shouldn’t tell yourself that he’ll get there eventually (assuming you’ve already given him feedback and time to change). Holding out hope when he’s clearly shown he’s not looking for something serious will only leave you more disappointed later. Instead, accept that he’s not thinking long-term.
And don’t assume it’s about you! More than likely, it’s about him. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. That’s not a criticism of you.
That leaves you with two options. First, you can decide to meet him on his ground. Accept the relationship for the short-term fling it is, and enjoy it. This requires you to do a real gut check. If you know your heart is already committed, it may be hard to pull this off. If, on the other hand, you’re totally okay with dating purely for fun, this is a viable option.
The key here is in knowing yourself and guarding your own heart. Avoid the temptation to tell yourself that you’re okay with a lack of commitment if you’re really not.
The second option is the one Jessica took–move on.
When you know you want more, but there’s no sign of a future in your current relationship, the very best thing you can do is be honest about that. Both with yourself and with him. If the two of you are at different places and wanting different things, there’s really no bad guy. It’s just not a good match.
Tell him you’re looking for something more long-term, and you think it would be best for you to part ways.
The great thing about this option is that it truly is for the best. No one enjoys being pressured or manipulated into commitment. That rarely ends well. And wanting a commitment you can’t have? That’s torture. It’s so much better to learn from the experience and move forward.
Get clear about what you want from the relationship you’re in. Set yourself up for success by assuming the best at first. Give things time to grow and develop with the understanding that intimacy doesn’t bloom overnight.
If you’ve done all of that and a committed connection still isn’t there, either accept the relationship for what it is, or take care of yourself by moving on.
Hi James,
The man I care about does not want a relationship or commitment. But we can’t seem to stay away from each other. Like for instant today. He did not go to work. I had errands to run so went and done them, he was gone. I figured he went out to eat or his job called him. But he then came home. I went over for a few mins and then came home. I then went back about a hour and a half later. He had scalloped pots in the oven which would be done in 2 hrs. So we sat and we talked and picked on each other like we always do. He said something and I went for his water bottle and he kissed me. Anyway we ended up in the bedroom but he got more out of it than I did. Which bothers me and I don’t know how to tell him about that. I know this guy is not good for me. For some reason he feels he has to be there for his ex-girlfriend, who kicked him out of his home almost a year ago now. He says he is not back with her. I don’t know what to do any more. At our ages, both of us are in our 60s, we are not kids and I feel I am wasting my time but yet I like him a lot and enjoy being with him.
Confused Linda
I’m in the situation of wanting more than he’s willing to give. It’s killing me and I’m trying to get up the strength to let him go, but it’s so not what I want to do.
Natalie, your future self will thank you. Be courageous. Life is too short to spend it focused on a guy who doesn’t share the same vision for what the relationship could become.
I was seeing a guy for over a month I have not meet anyone, his children or friends we have been sexual a few times. the last straw was when I think he was joking with me when he said his other girl was at his house. I felt so mad I hung up on him and have not spoken to him since. I miss the heck out of him but I have been strong and not called or text. I just feel like a fool for letting him have my heart when he did not want to give me his, I have really learned my lesson and my walls are all back up.
Hello James, I met a guy a couple of months ago online and when we first started talking he was talking relationship far more than I was. He was concerned about where I was considering I’m somewhat recently divorced. Fast-forward to around Thanksgiving when he wanted to meet but through some miscommunication thought I ghosted him. I reached out on Christmas Eve to wish him a Merry Christmas and we ended up meeting and had a pretty good evening considered I wasn’t really in a very good place emotionally. You see it was my first Christmas alone since my daughter was with my ex husband and this guy said well let’s get out and do something. Anyway, the next week was a little rough on me and he was there and got to see some of the ugly ups and downs of girl emotions through text (not my proudest moments). Anyway, he finally said he didn’t think I was strong enough to which I told him he was wrong but if he wants to walk away that’s his choice. We agreed that neither of us are ready to be serious but both agreed we wanted to be exclusively intimate with one person. I told him I don’t want to rush a relationship with anyone but let things happen naturally. He said he really wanted his old life and ex back (that cheated and moved in with man she cheated with) and if she asked he’d probably go back so didn’t know if he’d be emotionally available yet keeps coming around. What should I make of this? Was this him reacting to my emotions and being guarded? Likely honest? Should I let my guard down a little to see if he does too? I need some good advice here.
Hi Donna,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Been dating a guy for almost 6 mo. He has a rocky past he doesn’t like to talk about. He’s an introvert and very focused on his new career. He’s not good at communicating when we’re apart which is frustrating since he’s a firefighter and often gone for long periods. He says he’s not ignoring me. He’s just busy or out of range and he texts me when he can and spends what little free time he has with me. His family is out of state so won’t be meeting them. Haven’t met anyone in his life. He lives just down the street. Ive never been to his place because he’s embarrassed that he lives in a trailer at the moment. When we’re together all is good. When we’re apart its hard….then add in pandemic stuff. I haven’t gotten more than a I like you. Kinda frustrating. He’s very guarded I guess, as I am. I think he’s just taking us one day at a time. When I’ve asked he says we’re plugging along…lol so not romantic. He’s so different than anyone Ive dated which is good because most of them were narcissists. I can relate with this story. I wonder if he sees us long term or not. I know he doesn’t want to remarry nor do i. Is this just how he is?? or is it how he is with me? really hard to know. I do wonder if I should end it because this is all it will ever be.
I would say do not underestimate the effects of the pandemic on people’s emotional and mental health. Ask how he is finding the pandemic and ask open questions about how it’s tough forming a new relationship as the world is crumbling, ask his thoughts
Maybe ask if he’s willing to have a conversation about you two and express your feelings and hesitations if you’re comfortable? But always follow your gut!
Stay safe, good luck x
Hi James!
I have been dating my best friend of over a decade for 10 months now. I am smitten with him, but we have not said I love you yet. I have been waiting for him to say it first so that he doesn’t feel any pressure by me. We are long distance. I definitely feel it when he shows me when we are together, but I don’t get much verbal confirmations other than Miss you babe, I’m proud of you, and I appreciate you. Should I be questioning this since he hasn’t verbalized his deep feelings of love yet?
Hey, Gia. When I was 14, I told my girlfriend of eight weeks that I loved her over the phone just before we hung up. To me it didn’t seem like any big deal. Why would I be dating someone if I didn’t love them? But all I heard on the other end of the line was stunned silence and then the click as she hung up a few seconds later.
Since then I’ve learned the phrase, “I love you,” means all kinds of things to different people based on their own personal background and the micro-culture of their friendship group and family.
I’m a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. If you feel loved, then that’s the point of being in a relationship. I wouldn’t worry too much about whether he thinks that it’s a good thing to express with words at this point. Enjoying the relationship is the key to happiness. Enjoy what is good in that relationship right now and don’t worry too much about those milestones you hope to reach sometime soon.
James
People say I love you in different ways. Believe it or not, your boyfriend saying he appreciates you, says he’s proud of you, or every time he says he misses you or asks if you had a good day, or tells you to drive safe, these are all steps of saying “I love you”. My boyfriend was slow to open up as well but after 5 months he said it to me first. just remember everyone’s love language is different, and its the gestures you should be looking at. If your not comfortable saying I love you first, just start saying things like, I really appreciate that you check in with me. How was your day? If he says it was a hard one, ask if he wants to talk about it, or how you can be there to support him. With mine, he started falling for me more with my actions of showing him i cared about him and I was invested. Sometimes people don’t want to say I love you until they feel both are properly taking care of each other and are more committed. But it never hurts to ask how he is feeling. I check in with my significant other about once a month. Just a conversation of hey are you sill happy with me? Is there anything you want to add to the relationship or see us doing more of? Anything bother you with how we communicate, intimacy, etc. Showing each other you are willing to work with the relationship will help a lot in the long run! Hope this helps.
So I’ve been working with my boyfriend for a year now. We moved very fast. We moved in together after 2 months. So he lives in Utah and I live in AZ. He is down here working and heads back to Utah pretty much every weekend. He’s only invited me twice. I’ve met his 3 brothers and I’ve met his son. He keeps telling me he’s not ready for that next step and that he’s only trying to be the best dad he can be, trying to spend time with his kid and that’s why he won’t invite me. It’s been a year and still won’t take me with him should I be worried that he’s never going to?
Hi James,
I want your opinion on polite, effective lies to keep the peace.
I’ve been married for 30 years to a wonderful man who is 10 years younger than
I am. Now that I’m in my mid 70’s, I find that I’m feeling “old” and much more
“elderly” than he is feeling. One of the things that reinforces my sense of getting old
is looking at pictures of myself that look increasingly like my late mother. I look in the mirror and see my mother, which might be OK except that I never had a good
relationship with her and both photos and mirrors remind me of this. My husband
and I are close and he is well aware of this.
Our recent Christmas was ruined by an incident that made him go ice cold and distant for five days. Specifically, he gave me a coffee mug with 3 photos on it: two of us as a couple and one of just me in which I look exactly like my mother. When I opened the gift, my face fell and no matter what I said, he knew that I didn’t like it. (It didn’t matter that I liked the other two.) Even though I was tactful, he could see in my eyes and body language that I didn’t appreciate his creative effort. Since he could see that I was not pleased, I decided not to lie but to be honest. In a gentle, non-aggressive manner I tried to explain how I felt. I was tactful but it made no difference. I tried humor. I tried self criticism. I tried to be loving and showing appreciation but nothing could change his disappointment. He sulked for four days and ruined our holiday.
In a recent conversation about the incident, he said that I should have lied; that I should have been an actress and acted like I loved this coffee mug that he spent several hours creating. Now our discussion is about authenticity and the pros and cons of telling lies.
Dear NGH,
I think he is wrong about saying it to you. Lie is never good and ruins the relationship. There is a way to be polite, of course, to say that you did not like the gift in a soft way. Or not saying it at all. Lying to your loved one to make him feel good sounds very wrong to me. Please don’t go this way, it is a dead end. Saying like “I feel awkward to receive this present” and “would you please explain me the meaning of this gift?” sounds not so harsh to me, but at the same time shows that you are not so happy to have it.
If you start discussing with him what is good about lying, it will open the door for a bigger lie for him, allowing your husband even having an affair, unless this is not a big deal for you. I know a woman who was ok with that situation. However this is not a healthy relationship (accepting a lie or acting like you are not aware of the truth) and sooner or later it will come to its end.
Hi I’ve been with someone 18 months now & still not been introduced to his family & friends ..I blow hot & cold about this but it doesn’t seem to bother him.& new years eve he spent it with his son & his mates!!
Xmas eve & Xmas day was spent with his family too..I think it’s time I should be moving on…?
Jenny, I am in the same situation. 😔 I’ve been dating this guy for 1 year and 5 months. I haven’t met anyone in his life. I fell for him as he lied to me in the beginning about him wanting more than just a. Sexual encounter. After I feel in love with him, he changed it and said he just wanted it to be sexual between us. Broke my heart. But still I’m there. My fault. I’ve broken up with him but he keeps calling me back and stupid me Keeps going back. 😔
I’m a strong believer that “Actions speak louder than words.” His actions don’t say much. I SHOULD BE MOVING ON…
Hello James
I met a man a year ago, ans felt a strong and shared connection straight away.
After 2 month, he tolds me he did not want to be involved in a romantic relationship with me but would rather explore the path of friendship.
Because I was in love and could not imagine to let it go, I continued to see him, and over a year, the warmth, the connection, the trust etc.. grew but still no desire of romantic involvement.
The point is I would like more, but I am also happy with this great friendship as I have never been so friend with any one in my life , including with girls- I am 50-, as it is still fantastic to share thoughts, stories of life, movies etc.
He recently told me that it was unhealthy for me because I was expecting thing he will never give me and that we should see each other less because he wanted me to be safe, and I don’t want to because at least I have this friendship.
Do you think I could have a great friendship with someone I am in love with, that is trying to see him in another way? Thanks for you help
It is possible, but only if you seal off the possibility of romantic connection in your mind. The reason he is backing off is that he can likely sense that you hope for more in those moments of silence as you make eye contact. He cares about you as a friend and does not want to hurt you. Hence his suggestion that you start seeing other people so your romantic energy can flow elsewhere.
However, some women experience deep friendship with a man in a way that is as good or even better than romance. The problem lies in the possibility that everything might change the moment some other woman walks into his life. Then jealousy reveals that the friendship was really a romantic relationship for you, bringing hurt and pain unless you had truly sealed his role in your life as nothing but a friend.