What if I told you there was one sure-fire scientifically-proven way to spice things up in your relationship?

It’s used by relationship counselors in their own marriages.[1]

It’s so powerful that it may even give a fertility boost to couples struggling to conceive.

This technique will make you appear more attractive to your partner, spike his desire for you, and make him perceive other men as being more interested in you.

And it’s backed by solid research.

When I tell you what it is, you’re probably going to want to hit me. 😉 It’s so unbelievably easy and obvious. But most couples never even think to use this technique to deliberately dial up the heat in their relationship.

What is it?

Absence.

Time spent apart is good for your relationship.

Dr. Todd Shackelford is a director at the Evolutionary Psychology Lab at Oakland University, and one of his areas of interest is male jealousy.

He investigates the role of jealousy in everything from the average marriage to domestic violence and even murder.

He’s discovered that this primal drive shapes male behavior in ways we can’t even fathom yet.

For example, research shows that married men with wives who have a lot of male friends or co-workers want to get physically intimate more often.[2]

Dr. Shackelford focuses on sexual jealousy in men, because he’s found that jealousy doesn’t work the same way in women. Women are much more likely to feel betrayed if their partner has been emotionally unfaithful.

So a woman can spend time away from her man without feeling increased jealousy, as long as she is still in touch with him by phone, text, or email. Feeling emotionally connected to him keeps her from worrying about whether he’s emotionally connecting with another woman.

Not so with men.

The longer a man is away from his partner, the more eager he’ll be to get intimate once they’re back together again—and the more frustrated he’ll feel if she rebuffs his advances.[3]

We often think the ideal couple is attached at the hip. They do everything together. They’re so in love that they can’t bear to be apart.

But that’s not borne out by the research.

Too much togetherness backfires. If you never have time apart, you’re more likely to get on each other’s nerves. You don’t get the chance to miss each other.

A little distance is good for relationships. One study even found that long-distance couples (defined as couples who only see each other 1 to 3 times a month) feel closer and more committed than couples who see each other all the time.[4]

The director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at the University of Kentucky, Kristen Mark, explains:

“In some ways, long-distance relationships are a bit easier, at least for desire… Sure, you miss your partner and ache to see them again, but that ache is exactly what fuels the desire and passion in the relationship. Missing out on the mundane allows for your relationship to flourish on the ups of life without having to worry about paying the bills, what to cook for dinner or getting the kids up and out the door in the morning.”[5]

This could be one reason why relationships change for men once a couple starts living together. For her, the increased emotional intimacy feels wonderful. For him, the constant access to physical intimacy, coupled with the mundane routine of everyday life, can dial down his desire.

If you’re dating a man with an avoidant attachment style, a bit of distance is even more important. Time apart makes him feel safe. Having his independence actually makes him crave closeness with you.

Now, does that mean you should keep your distance from the man you love or avoid spending too much time with him?

Of course not!

But it does mean you shouldn’t be so quick to despair if his job takes him away every now and again. It also means you should never turn down a girls’ weekend away, even if it means you’ll be apart from him.

There’s nothing wrong with not seeing each other every once in a while. It fuels his desire for you.

And if you’d like to fuel your desire for him, then try going all day with no contact. Don’t text him, and don’t check out what he’s doing on social media. Allow yourself to enjoy the anticipation of wondering how his day is going. You’ll look forward to seeing him so much more.

The next time you see a couple joined at the hip, don’t envy them. As hard as it is to be away from the one you love, the more you’ll enjoy your reunion when you’re finally able to race into each other’s arms.

[1] https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-09-03/therapist-says-couples-stay-together-unfriend-each-other

[2] http://www.toddkshackelford.com/downloads/Pham-DeLecce-Shackelford-PAID.pdf

[3] https://www.researchgate.net/publication/6315432_Absence_Makes_the_Adaptations_Grow_Fonder_Proportion_of_Time_Apart_From_Partner_Male_Sexual_Psychology_and_Sperm_Competition_in_Humans_Homo_sapiens

[4] https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1111/jcom.12029

[5] https://www.cnn.com/2013/09/17/living/relationships-long-distance-benefits/index.html