Curiosity is powerful. Especially in relationships.
What happens when you cultivate a deep sense of curiosity about the people you interact with?
Well, let me ask you, have you ever talked to a psychic? I don’t mean a real psychic, or even a money-grubby fake. I mean a regular person who is constantly convinced they know what you’re thinking and feeling before you’ve told them.
I’ve had a few friends like that. Talking to one of them about something important is an exercise in frustration. As soon as I’m done describing a dilemma or challenge, they start telling me what they think I’m “actually feeling.” Then, under the false impression they’re helping, they push me to explore “the real issue.”
Most of the time they don’t even have a firm understanding of what’s going on, and they are almost never right about my feelings. How could they be? They haven’t taken the time to listen.
But when you’re close to someone, it’s easy to fall into that trap.
All of us develop the ability to “read” the people we interact with daily, like our partners, close friends, and family. The more time you spend with someone, the more natural it feels to “predict” their feelings based on what you know about them.
So when your best friend has had another bad date or your partner’s boss has irritated him again, the temptation is to assume it’s the same song, new verse.
We’ve heard it before, we tell ourselves. So we assume we already know what’s going on. But there are two major flaws with that assumption.
The first is this. There’s no guarantee you’re right.
The only way to know where another person is coming from is to hear them out. Handing out advice or opinions without all the information is a surefire way to derail communication.
It’s much better to listen first.
But what about the times you are right? Is it okay to play the mind-reader then?
Unfortunately, no, it’s still not a good idea. Instead, use your insight to ask good questions. Questions that get at the issue you suspect is there.
And that brings us to my second point. People like it when other people find them interesting.
When someone takes the time to really listen to us, engaging with good questions and giving us their full attention, it builds our self-esteem. It makes us feel important. It communicates that we’re valuable to the other person.
Use this knowledge in your dating relationships. Because if you do, he’ll want to continue sharing his inner world with you. That’s because when someone takes an interest in you, it’s a lot easier to open up to them.
That’s how strong relationships grow stronger.
So even if you’re pretty sure you know what’s going on, get curious. Ask good questions. And let him know you’re interested in him. Because that’s more important than correctly guessing his feelings.
In all your interactions, make it a point to develop a sense of curiosity. It’s better to seem clueless but interested than to come across like you aren’t really invested.
Embrace curiosity to enhance your irresistible qualities. That way, everyone you interact with will begin to see you as the ideal person to open up to.
Hi James this brings up a few things for me… 🙂 (Great points btw!)
1. Yes. I know a psychic. It’s my (suspected covert narc) husband. And from the day we were married (not before) he has interrupted me to finish my sentences for me. Wrong. On almost every single one of them. Let’s say he’s right about as often as a broken clock, if that. Do I feel understood? What do you think? If I complain I’m told, “AaaaaaNNE, people interRUPT each other. It’s the normal flow of conversation. It’s what people DO.” I’m told the same thing about lying, by the way.
2. I remember a time at work when a co-worker/ my boss was making this mistake with a client. She had to go to a meeting, and I asked her did she want me to stay and finish the conversation or should we come back together later? She told me to stay/ finish. So I did. And I listened rather than interrupting the client. It was a 180 turn from what she’d thought. She’d been so busy interrupting to ask WHY they were doing it the way she thought they were, that she didn’t really listen to WHAT they were doing. Needless to say, I tried to soften it when she got back…”After you left he kept talking and turns out they actually did it differently than we thought…” and explained how. BUT, I was the bad person anyways because she went and cried in the bathroom…
Anyhow.
3. I am by no means a perfect listener. I can think of at least one person where I didn’t listen (I had my reasons, but looking back I regret it), and he’s never opened up much to me again. I hope he will in time. I promise myself if he ever does I will listen. So anyhow… the brag in #2 isn’t because I’m so great…it’s because listening IS. It helps with every relationship, period.
Happy listening. (And if there’s anyone on here who hasn’t seen Abbott and Costello’s Who’s On First? comedy skit…it’s relevant. Was assigned a “Listening Skills” topic for a speech in college and we opened with this. Needless to say it was a hit.)
Thank you James !!! It is great advice
This is really good advice, thank you for the reminder.
I love this advice. Thanks James!!
James you’re so right!
We must take time to listen
JJ
Wow! Just as I told him that after two years he doesn’t really know me at all because he has set ideas based on bad marriages and relationships in his past. We have so much in common, and both just want someone to spend time with, not a marriage, but I can’t break through when he constantly has his shields up. Thanks James for always giving useful advice.
I’m glad that was useful to you, Diane.
Oooo! Good topic and comments!