“I can’t believe you did that.” Brenda sat, stunned. “I’m so mad at you!”
“Why? Why do you have to control everything I do?” David replied. “I have a right to do things without checking in with you first.”
“Then you shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship, Buster, because that’s what people in relationships do. They check in with each other. They communicate.”
“By yelling at each other? Like you do all the time with me?”
“I’m not yelling! This isn’t about me. This is about you. You not caring. You not respecting me.”
David shrugged. “I’d respect you a lot more if you didn’t blow up at me about everything.”
“I’ve had it.” Brenda got up. “I’m going to go cool off, but this isn’t over.”
Though you might not guess it from this argument, Brenda and David actually loved each other very much. They were one of my favorite couples to work with. Her high-octane energy perfectly complemented his laid-back coolness. They’d been together for years. But they wanted to sort a few things out before taking the next step… to start a family.
Which is why Brenda came to talk to me.
She knew the way she and David argued wasn’t healthy. She didn’t want them to be the kind of parents who fought in front of their kids.
But she didn’t know what to do. They were stuck in a pattern where nothing she did could get through to David. He just ignored her and did what he wanted anyway.
In fact, just moments before this argument, they’d been snuggling together on the couch, watching television. During an ad break, she’d asked him about his day. He casually mentioned the deposit he made for an expensive mountain bike.
Money is one of the biggest trigger points for couples. And my friends were no exception.
Brenda thought they were on the same page about saving up for a deposit on a house. How could they have a family if they didn’t have a family home? And how would David make a good dad if he continued to be so selfish?
I paused and waited till I had Brenda’s full attention before asking her, “Do you really want this pattern to change?”
“Absolutely!” she said.
“Even if it’s going to be hard?”
“I’m in.”
I could see the conviction in her eyes. “Then I’m going to teach you a type of dialogue that’s going to change everything.”
Intentional dialogue is a technique that transforms relationships. ANY kind of relationship.
Your relationship with your partner. Your parents. Your children. Your clients.
It drains the conflict from difficult conversations. It stops the vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. And it makes you feel closer and more connected than ever.
Intentional dialogue will give you the kind of relationship you’ve never had before—one in which it’s safe to voice your feelings. Safe to disagree.
How do you do it?
It’s a three-step process that becomes quite natural the more you use it.
(And the more you use it, the more you’ll want to use it—because you’ll see for yourself how good it feels.)
It goes like this:
MIRROR. VALIDATE. EMPATHIZE.
1. Mirror
When you look in the mirror, you expect to see an accurate reflection of yourself, not a distortion.
Similarly, when you say something, you expect your partner to hear what you said—not what he thought you probably meant.
Here’s what typically happens. You say one thing; he interprets it in a way you didn’t mean. And vice versa.
That’s why mirroring is important.
It’s the process of repeating back to your partner what you thought he/she said and asking if you got it right.
For example:
“So you put a deposit down on the bike because you wanted to make sure you took time to do all those things you love before giving it all up to have kids. Did I understand you correctly?”
Keep asking until you’ve got it right.
2. Validate
You may not agree with your partner, but can you accurately reflect back what you hear him saying about his motivation (without cynicism)? That’s all you have to do here.
For example:
“Given what you’ve told me, I can see why you’d feel that you might have to give up mountain biking when we become parents. I can see why you felt the urge to take action while you still have time for those adventures.”
3. Empathize
The final step is to empathize. Respond to what he’s feeling from the heart.
“I’m worried about what we’ll have to give up once we have children, too. It’s a scary leap.”
Can you see how the conversation between Brenda and David would have gone quite differently if they’d used intentional dialogue?
Make no mistake:
It’s HARD to be intentional when you’re mad.
The challenge with intentional dialogue is not the technique itself, but choosing to use it when you’re spoiling for a fight.
But what matters most to you? Winning the fight or keeping the love?
I thought so. 😉
P.S. You get extra bonus points if you teach your partner this technique and practice it with him before your next heated argument.
I Think this technique could really help improve communication. I wish i had known of it, long before now. I could never get my husband to discuss anything about our relationship for the last 25 years. we’ve been married 37 years and now it appears we are parting. we’ve been parting on and off since 1995., he uses that threat to control me, at least at first, then emotionally deserted our marriage, always making himself a victim, now we are 66 and 67 years old. He is a very angry man all his life. panics at time. not really open to counseling, his not honest. This is awful, but I’m emotionally exhausted.
I think you took the man’s side. She needs to say that she was disappointed because big purchases should be discussed by both people before hand. That is a big part of marriage. He was inconsiderate at least and a selfish person at most. I can see why she was hurt and then mad.
But maybe she could have handled different. Maybe she could have said but honey don’t you want to save for a house? Would you like it if I spent money on a big purchase and didn’t tell you? And then they can talk.
ps. Was married happily for 50 years before my husband died. And I have to say I miss him terribly. We were truly soulmates.
I do see how these three techniques are much more loving, compassionate, and productive and she can understand why he would want a bike, but it didn’t address the root issue that Brenda had which was him doing things without consulting her or considering her and she feels like she doesn’t have a partner. How would they bring that into the conversation?
That’s a good thought, K. I think you probably already know the answer. How would you bring up an issue like that? How would you improve on Brenda’s technique to get a better result?
I would have pointed out. We want the house more thanthat there are other free things to do. the biking experience could wait till later.
It depends on the money situation. If he makes good money, and doesn’t burden her, then why would she care? The only thing I cared about when my fiancé bought himself a third motorcycle was the amount of space in our garage. He sold one of them, problem solved.
I think part of the idea of this type conversation is that 1. We cant control other people and control is always a product of fear 2. When you speak from that place rather than criticizing (i.e. a house is more important than your desire to bike) you create the highly likely possibility that y’all can have the real conversation which isn’t actually about the bike or the money!! It really is a brilliant way of communication and really would create real opportunity to increase the intimacy and bond!