If you woke up tomorrow morning with the perfect dating relationship, what would be different?
Do you want to know the fastest path to that dream relationship?
Recently, I read an article by Stephanie Lee. Lee writes about all kinds of things, from travel to donuts to living a happy, fulfilling life. Oh, and weightlifting.
A while back, she decided she wanted to deadlift 300 pounds. Lee is not a muscle-bound girl. She has a fairly average build. When she set this goal, she was barely clearing 200 pounds.
And she wanted to lift 100 pounds more. Crazy, right?
But she’s already made it to 275, and she’s getting stronger every day. And she didn’t change her whole life to make it happen. Instead, she just stuck to a tried and true fitness manta…
“Focus on the process.”
Much of the time, we set our sights squarely on the goal. Focusing on the process means honing in primarily on the habits that lead to the goal instead of the goal, itself. It means doing the stuff that makes you successful, without obsessing about success.
Lee said it this way. “The goal is always there, like a good friend is, but I don’t let it consume me.”
That’s a tall order because it’s easy to focus on the goal and forget all about the process—whether you’re trying to lift 300 pounds or trying to find happiness in love.
But reaching for the relationship you want is a process.
Sure, it’s really nice to think about happily ever after. But too much focus on romantic bliss will actually get in your way. Instead, the key to lasting, fulfilling love is focusing on the journey that takes you there.
Are you ready for storybook happiness? I’ve got three tips for getting you there.
Do what you need to do right now.
It doesn’t matter if you’re single or you’ve been with your guy for years. Don’t worry about what you’ll need to do when your relationship is in some other stage. Do what you need to do TODAY.
Focus on the actions that (if done consistently) will eventually pay off. Then trust that process. Relax into success.
If you’re single and ready to meet someone, take that step. Find a good dating service or let your friend set you up. If you’re in the getting-to-know-you stage, don’t rush to something deeper. Enjoy it.
Set your attention on where you are right now, and do what you need to do to get the most out of your relationship from where it is today.
Relationships are both resilient and fragile. They can weather a lot of storms . . . but they need to be cared for, too.
Which is why consistency matters so much.
Here’s the good news. When you focus on the process of developing a deeper relationship, you’re constantly nurturing the connection. That means keeping things fresh and interesting rather than falling into ruts.
Go on adventures together. Have meaningful conversations. Never stop exploring who he is, and never stop inviting him to get to know you better.
When you focus on the process of discovering each other, new levels of intimacy come naturally.
Trust the process.
Even if you focus on where you are and stay consistent with that focus, the process will take time. Don’t get impatient. Instead, trust the process.
If you talk to life-long couples, they’ll tell you their connection has been growing and building for years. You can’t make that happen overnight . . . but you can encourage it along.
Stick to the process and one day you’ll realize you’ve hit one of those relationship milestones you’re dreaming of now—whether that’s getting a dog together, going on your dream vacation or even getting married.
Love isn’t a formula. There’s no three-step plan that guarantees romantic success. Love is more like a long trip. And the best trips are fun from the moment you begin the journey.
You can have a relationship like that—one that’s exciting and invigorating at every stage of growth. Focus on the process of getting to know him better. Do what you need to do today, be consistent, and trust the process to work in the long run.
That’s the most fulfilling (and the most fun) way to find your romantic, happy ending.
I really needed this. Thank you James. Your articles are the absolute best. I am so greatful for your insights. I recommend them to anybody who will listen to me !