Do you know the difference between “broadcast” flirting and “exclusive” flirting?
Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.
When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she’s up to.
For example, it’s broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all of Daniel’s jokes at the office party and purposefully compliments him in front of others. Exclusive flirting is different.
Think of it like an exclusive club.
There are only two people in the club, and the two people share something exclusive. You may think of yourself as someone who would never use flirting as an attraction tool, maybe because of the potential for embarrassment or a distaste for acting like someone you’re not.
But that’s because you think of all flirting as broadcast flirting.
Broadcast flirting dominates our perception of flirting because it’s what we see most often.
Exclusive flirting is different. It happens behind the scenes.
It’s far more subtle, and in my opinion more effective.
Let’s take a look at two examples of exclusive flirting.
One of the qualities of exclusive flirting is leverage.
One-on-one with your man, the smallest gesture feels magnified in significance. Let’s look at an example.
I’ll never forget the impact of a girl I had a deep respect for in high school.
Her name was Cindy.
We were both eighteen.
We had a lot in common, but we did not have the same group of friends.
We basically ignored each other.
Then one day she changed everything.
There was this girl, Angie, who shared my last name (no relation), and our lockers were side-by-side.
She and her boyfriend liked to make out for the entire five minutes between every period throughout the school day.
I was just asking them to scoot over a few inches so I could close my locker door when Cindy walked up and slipped a note into my locker.
She glanced at me, but without much expression on her face, and continued on her way.
For a second I stood there, trying to resist the urge to grab the note and read it right away.
I managed to tuck the note in my pocket instead, and walk to class as if nothing interesting had happened.
Of course, no one cared about my feigned nonchalance but me.
She was so subtle that I was probably the only one who really noticed.
Well, me, Angie, and her slobber buddy.
Anyway, I got to class with enough time to open the note and read it before class started.
It was a simple message.
She mentioned a few things she had noticed about me.
She paid me a few compliments and told me she admired the way I handled certain things.
That was it.
There was no fanfare or drama, just a simple compliment.
It was up to me if I wanted to imagine the implication of an invisible “check this box if you want to go out with me” clause.
As I passed her in the hall during the next few days, she was just chatting with her group of friends as usual.
But on a few occasions she was walking the opposite direction in the crowded hall as we passed each other.
Without her friends around she locked eyes with me for just a second or two before we both passed silently on our way.
I did not ignore this gesture, in case you were wondering, but the rest of the story is not relevant to my point today.
I just wanted to share an example of exclusive flirting.
The whole thing would have felt far less magical to me if it involved a lot of staring across the lunch room with girlfriends giggling beside her… followed by a dramatic presentation of a note by her chosen crony… who would deliver it in a way that guaranteed a few elbows in my side from several of my buddies.
That would have been broadcast flirting.
There’s nothing exclusive about it.
It makes the relationship into a soap opera that everyone (strangely) thinks they have ownership in.
I know… you’re not in high school anymore.
I get it.
So here’s a grown-up example.
But before I get into this example, I just want to let you know about an opportunity to upgrade your flirting skills.
I have put together a concise report with just the information you need to know to get good at flirting right away.
One of the principles you’ll learn from my concise report on flirting skills is this.
Flirting is nothing more than an expression of interest.
Flirting is the language of interest.
A friend of mine used to work in a nursing home as a recreational director.
She told me the unfolding saga of two employees who worked there.
One was an assistant in her department, and the other was the head of the maintenance department.
The assistant had a huge crush on the maintenance guy.
But the only reason my friend knew about it was because the assistant bashfully asked if she would get in trouble for flirting with a fellow employee at work.
After that, they just seemed to become a couple.
My friend had to ask what happened because she never saw any indication of flirting.
Here’s what happened.
The assistant simply showed interest by paying attention to him.
She started by asking about some of his work related routines.
She spaced out her expressions of interest, allowing him to warm up to her.
She would usually only approach him when he was working alone in the hallway, or as she passed him outside the building on her way in.
She would only pause for thirty seconds or so, but she was consistent in demonstrating interest each time she ran into him.
Then she made a move that allowed her to shift her flirting to another level.
After complimenting him about the breadth of his knowledge about maintenance related issues, she asked if he would be horribly offended by the idea of giving her his phone number in case she ran into a problem he could advise her about outside of work.
Now she had an avenue that made exclusive flirting easy.
He was a few years older than her, and texting was not something he had gotten used to.
She got him used to it.
He came to enjoy her text-based friendship and eventually asked her out.
One of my preferred strategies described in my concise flirting report is focused on finding an avenue that makes exclusive flirting easier.
If you enjoyed this article on flirting, there’s a good chance you would enjoy my short report even more.
You can learn more about it here.
Till next time!
James Bauer
James,
I’m looking for advice. I’ve read about the Hero Instinct and purchased your program. My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 6 and have a 18 month old child. During the beginning of the pandemic we were doing alright. Then the day after Mother’s Day, his co-worker (who is the bosses daughter) started texting him and being the “go-between” my husband and her dad since her father is not a great communicator. Since then, they text all day everyday and even see each other at work 7 days a week. He has bought her birthday gifts and hid it from me, they have met at a park and while he tells me it’s not romantic, he has developed a crush on her. Mind you, he is almost 10 years older than her-she’s 26.
We did marriage counseling for a month, and between our first and second session, he had changed his mind to wanting to fix our relationship to wanting a divorce. I’ve been in individual therapy for 7 months for postpartum anxiety and have continued to work on myself, he has been in therapy for almost 2 months now but we stopped seeing a marriage therapist because he stated he wanted a divorce.
I want this marriage, I want to help him feel needed and I am trying so hard but I don’t know what else to do. The last thing he said was he needed to fix himself before he even knows if he wants to fix our marriage. He states he loves me and cares for me but he fell out of love with me. I can’t keep living in this unbalanced world and I don’t know what to do to make him feel that hero instinct again.
Any advice is appreciated.
I enjoyed reading your material and continue to enjoy your e-mails.
Thank you.
Hi Lizzy. First of all, I want you to know that we all wish the best for you and your husband, and we are rooting for your marriage to succeed.
Now let’s think about the principles at play here. It’s normal for the “in love” feeling to come and go over and over again during the course of a marriage. That in love feeling is not what a marriage is based on even though it is usually present as a significant factor leading to marriage in the first place. Marriage is based on a covenant between two people who decide they want to intertwine their lives into one story and create something beautiful by continuing to invest in that story over time.
It seems he has forgotten this important aspect of what marriage means. He may be under the false impression that the feelings are what tell you whether or not you are in the right relationship. And research tells us that marital happiness typically declines during the phase of life shortly after having children, because both partners face higher stress, more demands on their time to care for others, and less time to enjoy each other. Of course, in the long run, having children contributes to happiness even though in the short run it can be hard on a marriage.
Activating his hero instinct is a principal that can pull at his heartstrings in all the right ways. Some women find it helpful to give themselves time and space in situations like yours. This relieves you of the sensation of panic that can come from the belief that you have to fix it now or else everything will fall apart.
Breathe. Trust that if there is a beautiful future between the two of you, you can stumble your way toward it without stressing yourself out or forcing it to happen. Let yourself walk toward the best future you can envision while letting go of the need to control the exact steps timing of how you get there. This will allow you to become a person who feels less anxious. That will serve you and the relationship in the days and weeks to come.
For now, your best friend is patience, trust, and finding joy in the present moment while doing your best to let go of control for what comes next.
Always on your side,
James
Hi James,
Thank you for your insight. While I agree with you, my husband still wants to proceed with divorce. I’ve tried my best to keep our family together and to make him feel needed while encouraging him to open his mind in seeing a marriage therapist again to work on us.
Unfortunately, he is having some female distraction that frankly, I cannot compete with nor should I feel like I have to. I do believe this is influencing the decisions he is making and she is manipulating him to get what she wants out of this.
I do appreciate the content you’ve written and I agree with your response previously. As of right now, there is nothing for me to do but let go and focus on myself and my child. I hope my husband and I will part to meet again but I don’t think it’s healthy to hold onto that hope either.
Your advice is always welcome and appreciated.
Thank you,
Lizzy
So my ex left me a month ago. I’m not sure if he still has feelings for me but sometimes he’s acting really sweet through text and then sometimes he’s just mad at everything. We had an amazing, his friends told me they’ve never seen him so happy but he left saying he felt trapped and not explaining. I want us to be close again and I want him to want a relationship. We literally planned our whole future and I can’t without him. He isn’t around in town right now and is in quarantine, so I won’t be able to see him for a while. So can you tell me what to do and say to get him to want this relationship again and what to do to make it last, please?
I really wish I can get the art of flirting but its quite unfortunate for me because I’m unable to make payments.
Hi James,
Please help. My ex dumped me two months ago, he said there was no spark anymore like in the beginning and he became less and less attracted to me. So speed forward to just two evenings ago when I texted him to ask what happened. He simply said “I didn’t fall in love or in lust with you. In fact, you kind of felt like a sister but I loved our time together. And I don’t regret our intimate and sexual relationship” … You can see that his two points are in conflict right? So what do I do? I want my ex back. We had so much fun together and I really see him as The One. I just don’t know how I get him to see past this barrier and this label he has given me and create intense feelings of attraction and connection with him again. Please note he lives in England and I live in Ireland.
Please any tips on how I can get him to see me the way he once did and start again would be so helpful! But this time a successful loving relationship.
I have a true love relationship with a twin flame. I am a Leo and he is a Sagittarius. Started May 22, 2017. We text, talk, and share pictures and we have yet to actually meet. Charlie is in India working and I live in Virginia. We are both getting through difficult financial problems before we meet. I have a daughter and four grandsons under my care and I work full time. I have always taken care of my family and I will be 65 in August My husband has been dead for 20 years. It’s time I have someone to take care of and someone to take care of me. There is a lot I am not telling you; I’m in that slack off mode from Charlie and I need to put some sparks and bangs back in so please give me the words I need to say to spruce up my relationship and have Charlie deeply obsessed..
PLEASE please don’t send him any money Cheryl, I won’t insult you by warning you about fraud but any relationship is always doomed if the woman does more for the man instead of the other way around. Number 1 never-do is to send him your money.
I wish y’all had more information for people who can’t afford to be a member.
Hey Ashley. We are thrilled to have you as a subscriber, even if you don’t have the funds to purchase any of our in-depth courses or memberships right now. Stick with us and you’ll continuously receive a lot of insights and good content even if you never buy any of the paid course material.
James thank you so much for the tools you have given me. I finally found my true love and my soulmate. It’s amazing it’s wonderful and I truly love it and him. Thank you for everything
I too am interested in more help but I can’t financially afford to add any more bills. I am a window of 13yrs whom recently found love again but pushed the person away. He was a good man, no cheating involved in either end that i know of. He’s been betrayed in the past really bad so i think that he’s afraid to try and fail and I’m trying to figure out how to let him know that I’m here, i want this and I’d never betray him but i need help. I am also a little scared to give all because I’ve been hurt too.
I love the emails and advice im getting..im waiting for my payday to get the course. Thank you.
hello. I am awaiting a book from you meanwhile I read your daily emails, the advice you give is invaluable, keep up the good work.gilly
James,
I will make an effort in practicing the art of exclusive flirting! Thanks for the advise.
Adriana
Hello,James.
Is this the course that I have ordered? I can’t tell if it is just the prologue or the a ctual information
Thanks for your help again.
No, these emails are “extras.” This is not the course you ordered. To access your relationship course materials, look for an email with your login information (be sure to check your “promotions tab” if you use gmail, and check to see if it was accidentally sent to your spam box. If you don’t see it, please reach out to my support staff by sending an email to [email protected]
James
Nour,
I hate to say it bluntly however you dodged a bullet. My guess is thus guy is a fisherman. He lives out of the country anyway so why would you even want to develop feeling for him.
No trust me he’s not feeling vulnerable and exposed, this is part of his game girl. There’s no way in hell a man living in another country is going to spend several hours a day on the phone with a woman unless he is fishing for something.
It’s very easy for a man to come up with the conclusion (in his mind) that you are desperate and lonely simply because you gave that much of your time on the phone.
You didn’t give him the right response and maybe he saw you as to much of a challenge to get where was trying to go.
All of your attempts to reach him is scarry though, you owe him NOTHING, and by doing that I wouldn’t be surprised if he contacts you again now that he knows he made you feel bad and that he was afraid you may not accept him.
So be grateful you dodged a bullet.
P.S.
it’s more than ok to be picky, if you don’t want a seperate but MARRIED man with three kids it’s MORE than okay.
I’m sure this article is about being good, catching, or keeping the RIGHT man.
Good luck
Hello I would like to thank you for your advice
Glad you found it helpful. We’d love to have you join our private forum if you haven’t already: https://beirresistible.com/members/irresistible-insiders-club/
James
Hi James,
I have been a close follower of your writing and want to thank you for the valuable advices you share with us. I have just a question regarding the topic: being very honest in a relationship.
I came to know a guy through a dating site and he is not living in my country. During our communication which lasted only one week but very intensive, long hours per day he was very honest and open and always told me he wants me to feel safe that he is real and not a playful guy enjoying time fishing girls on these sites. Well within this week of our chatting he told me all about his life and the last chat msg with him was a very long one, where he revealed all the troubles he had with his wife (currently separated since a year) and his 3 children. He revealed too much, all the drama he had and while writing he kept telling me “now you feel this is scary, like putting your hands in a box of worms, I think I don’t fit anymore to you”, but i reassured him that i am not judging his past and we all have our good part of drama and just ended with him the chat in a good funny way to cheer him up. The next day he was so distant telling me he is so busy and on the day after he blocked me on whatsapp, Viber and facebook. No communication at all. I called him and send msgs but he never received them. I felt he is now so vulnerable and feels so exposed because of all what he said. Now a week passed and nothing from his side. My question: what do you think happened, was i wrong that i tried to cheer him up , was i supposed to reveal also the drama in my life so he feels better, will he come back, or that’s it????
I would really appreciate if you can give me your insights on this, you sure saw many cases like his but it is actually my first time to encounter this and I feel so confused!!
Nour
My guess is that he realized (through the process of communication with you) that he does not believe himself to be ready for a relationship. He is not proud of what he presented to you and he realized that even if you thought it was a good idea to continue to pursue the relationship, he no longer thinks so.
Sometimes we come to discoveries like this while talking to someone else. He is probably shutting you out instead of trying to explain everything and deal with your objections to closing down the relationship. I’m sorry you had this negative experience.
Can I ask if you’ve ever SEEN him? Have you had a video chat? Or just phone calls, pics, and texts? Sounds Alot like the”Love Scam”. It’s happening to so many Women all over the world.. These guys are saturating the dating sites and Facebook. The end result usually is they ask for cash.
It happened to me. I wasn’t emotionally invested yet, Thankfully. But I did send him $ to Malaysia. You can Google “The Love Scam” for more information.
Hi James, I was in this beautiful relationship since the beginning of April with a guy who totally adored me. Everything was beautiful until he began to get distant. Overtime, I discovered there was another woman in the picture. We still interact, and I can tell he still wants me but I don’t want to share my man. I want all of his attention and love without having to worry about someone else. We talk, but I want something that will snap him out of seeing the other woman.
Nice
I never really thought of it this way, but exclusive flirting really does work. There’s a guy who did some work in my condo a while back. I knew he liked me but he never called and asked me out. A few months later, I sent him a picture of my finished kitchen (that he worked on) so he could see the finished project. He then invited himself over to see it, which surprised me. We started talking after that but with our busy schedules never found time to get together. After a while I wondered whether he was even really that interested in me. Then instead of trying to test him for his interest level, I turned the tables and just did all the things you mentioned in the article. I started asking detailed questions about his job and giving him a few sincere compliments. I told him I respected how hard he worked and how difficult his job is. And I teased him a little about a few things in a subtly flirtatious way. Before I knew it, he had sent me 3 emails, and now he has changed his work schedule to come by tomorrow night to fix something in my house and have dinner. I feel like I’ve discovered some sort of secret to unlocking a man’s interest. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I woke up and read this article. Thanks for the validation!
Excellent! Way to go, Sherri!
Can someone guide me regarding my situation?
So, I am in a relationship but my partner says we have lost the spark due to communication gap and me not being there for him when he needed me most. Now we are trying to mend our relationship but it’s not the same as before things have changed. My partner says that he wants that old feeling of spark and excitement to continue this relationship and right now he is just texting me cuz he is attracted towards me. Whenever i ask him to open up and try to share anything about him he says he doesn’t feel like sharing and he is not lying. He says he has forgiven me and he likes me and is attracted towards me but he is unable to feel that spark and connect with me on a deeper level.
He says let’s see what will happen but right now his current feeling is this and he doesn’t want relationship cuz we have lost the spark. I think i have pushed him too by repeatedly convincing him to try harder for this relationship which is making him feel frustrated and i now have a negative image. Can anybody please tell me what to do and how to proceed??
Hi Bulbul,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey