Let me start by asking if you know the answer to the following question. What is the number-one fear a woman has after a date that goes really well? Do you know?
The most common fear is that he won’t call again. The woman is left waiting, wondering, and feeling frustrated. No, frustrated is the wrong word. It’s more like a feeling of exasperation.
You just want to pull your hair out! Your experience with the guy says, “Yes! This went great, and he already secretly loves me just a little bit. We had so much fun!” Yet the days pass without further contact. You start to worry.
By day three, you stop measuring the passage of time in days and start counting down the hours to each deadline you were sure he would meet. “He’ll call before 8:00 PM tonight. I’m sure of it.” The minute hand on your clock gets more attention than it has in five months as you watch it pass the 8:30 mark. You, on the other hand, get none of the attention you were hoping for.
Where does this problem come from? Why do so many women go through this agonizing experience? There are several answers to this question, but I want to get you thinking about one thing in particular.
I’ll come back to this problem in a minute. First, I need to tell you something interesting I learned from a man who consults with restaurant owners to make them more money. In particular, the man I’m referring to is a consultant to high-end restaurants with pricey menus and required reservations.
Take a moment to think about why a pricey restaurant would require customers to make reservations. The answer, it turns out, is the same as the reason airline companies require that you make a reservation (and payment) to hold a seat on a scheduled flight.
If you’re not going to show up, they want to be able to offer the seat to someone else. Empty seats on an airplane means less money earned from the flight (which costs just as much to operate with half the seats filled as it costs with all the seats filled).
If the airline does not require you to make a reservation, they cannot maximize the money they make from each flight. Even classy, high-end restaurants look like ghost towns at 10:00 AM in the morning. There are a limited number of seats they can fill during the dinner rush. They want to maximize the money they can earn from the tables they have available (and all the staff standing by to serve you). That means, each time a person calls in to reserve a table, and then fails to show up, the restaurant loses money by holding a table they could have offered to a paying customer.
So here is what the consultant tells the restaurant owners. “When a person makes a reservation, ask them if they will call if something comes up to change their plans.” By asking this simple, question, real-life research has shown the number of people who call ahead to cancel (rather than simply failing to show up) increases dramatically!
There’s a trick to it, though. If the person taking the reservation just says, “Please call us in advance if you need to cancel,” nothing happens. But if they ask, “Will you call us in advance if you need to cancel?” and then wait for the customer actually to say, “Yes,” the customer almost always follows through.
Why is that? Why does that simple question work so much better than a statement of expectation? Psychologists say it works because it triggers the human mind to visualize the action in the future. Plus, people don’t like breaking their own word.
Now, back to that guy who didn’t call before 8:30. He eventually calls, but not until two weeks later! I could explain why guys do that, but, to quote The Prince’s Bride, “No. There is too much. I will sum up.” And my summary is this: Guys are dumb. But with a little help, we can be less dumb. So let me tell you how you can offer a guy a little help with this problem.
Just ask him a polite question and wait for him actually to answer it. Before you go separate ways after a date, ask the following two questions with pauses for him to answer:
You: “Will you call me?”
Him: “Yes. How could I not?”
You: “Before Friday?”
Him: “Definitely.”
You: “Good. I’ll wait for your call. Goodnight.”
Him: (thinking silently as he walks away) Dang, that girl has some kind of magic hold on me!
And now, the worst thing to say at the end of a date: “Thank you. I had a really nice time.”
Why is that the worst? Let me explain it like this. You slave all day to make the best dinner you could possibly create in a hundred years, and you ask with anticipation, “How is it?” and he responds, “Good.” You say, “Just good?” and he responds, “No. This is really nice. Thank you.” It’s a letdown.
“I had a really nice time” is the ultimate cliche thing to say. It conveys nothing. Well, it might convey something like, “I guess I can’t think of anything special to say. You are bland, and so was the date.” Don’t communicate that by mistake. Instead, grab his attention with the question above. It says, “That was special. Chase me and you’re going to like what happens next.”
I feel the BEST advice was stated in simply LIVING IN THE MOMENT. Not an easy task for anyone. We ALL tend to lean to the past a d try to project the future….leaving NO ROOM for the ‘here and now’. A great sense of humor is such a MAJOR thing. If you are having a blast together laughing there will NOT EVER be a need to ask about a call because it will naturally occour. When you show him you are sillly, goofy, fun loving and REAL thats ALL ya need!!!! Thankyou for listening!!! TRACEY S
GThanks for the very helpful and insightful info. My question. How do you handle this issue if you are in a LD relationship and all you have are phone calls and text messages? What if he says I will return on Tuesday and will contact you. However 2 Tuesdays or weeks later he calls
James, I’ve truly love and learn so much from your articles! They’ve opened my eyes to “keeping communication simple” with guys. I love your advice to ask a simple direct questions like the ones in this post. This approach leaves no room for confusion! and sets the right presidence for success with the correct expectations. Now …suppose his response to “will you call me?” is met with “I’m going out of town. I’m busy as hell this week.” How does a lady keep her response classy?! Your response advice (and insight) is greatly appreciated …..
In that case he’s given you a clear answer. It probably won’t be this week. In the example from my article above, there’s a follow-up question after the simple question “will you call me?” The follow-up question is where you would change things under these circumstances. You would say, “Oh great, I hope you have a good trip. Will you call me when you get back?”
James- Just out of curiousity won’t a man find it to be nagging if you do this though? To persist it seems like to me he would think “she’s not going to let up till she gets the answer she wants…” or that she is so desperate she has to find out exactly when I’m gong to call her. I would be too nervous to ask in this manner in fear of him thinking that to himself.
I understand your concern, Nina. And your concern is the main reason why most people never try this method. But it all comes down to your tone of voice, the sparkle in your eye, the slight smile on your face. With the right nonverbal’s it doesn’t seem desperate at all. It feels more like a subliminal message that projects confidence and a certain level of expectation that he suddenly feels compelled to rise to meet.
Thank you James Bauer. I love getting your emails. They are always packed with such practical useful advice. I mean, REALLY, REALLY meaningful stuff even before one chooses to get into the paid courses. It shows that you really care and know what you are talking about. Having guidelines like the ones you provide (which are so easy to implement, in my opinion) is excellent. I plan to get one of your courses soon.
He texted me that night saying thanks for dinner. It was really nice. I texted him back thanks for your company it was really nice. Saw him at work next day… Now have heard nothing in over a week.
I mwt a great guy and were getting along great and i even made it clear i dont date more than one man at a time and dont datw men if theyre dating other people. He was fine with it and things were great but suddenly he friend zoned me and he has a lot of girls who are friends…he only calls or texts on my bday or some holidays. Im so lost on what went wrong
I think it scares some men when you put out “boundaries” especially when things were going good. Men don’t think as much forward as we women do so he may have been scared or turned off by your clarifications. He may even have thought “why is she saying this or feels she needs to say it, isn’t this obvious if two people care about each other?” He may have thought you had some past relationships that you were cheated on so you feel you need to put that out there up front. He probably liked you and is trying to keep you close in case he ever decides to pursue you again. With men if he can say you are a friend then you are always a “maybe”. Selfish I know but that is how they are sometimes. I don’t think he was fine with it as you see. Men don’t like confrontation and conflict and will usually not say anything so they don’t have to discuss it. Just my thoughts.
Christina- So I’m no dating coach just a girl dating and not doing so well at it. BUT in all my readings here and other places i’d say the major mistake made was establishing early on you don’t date more than one man at a time and expect the same of him. Based on the little details you provided i would gather it was too soon when you made that statement to him. Which told him one important thing that was enough to have him friend zone you for when he is bored and put in absolute minimal effort to keep in touch. And that major mistake message is: I’m putting all my eggs in your basket. That talk needs to come in a much different way IMHO at the appropriate time and i would even say it should only come when the man has indicated in his own ways that he doesn’t want others to have access to you any longer and he wants to be the only man you’re dating and normally it will be he wants more than just dating at that point. So I’m not sure how long he’s been doing the bare minimum contact dance with you but if i were you i would either move on altogether or let him know you’re not pining away for him anymore and try and elicit more effort out of him and then take it slow and easy enjoy the process of dating and EVEN IF you don’t want to date other men NEVER let him know that until he is committing to you in some fashion. He should have the impression that others are fighting for your attention as well. This doesn’t mean throw it in his face but just don’t be available at his beck and call elude to it. And don’t demand he stops seeing other women it will end the same way. Its the cliche for a woman to demand this when nothing is established between a couple and imagine his surprise if you didn’t ever bring it up or question or demand that but enjoyed his company and the time you do go on dates i bet you’d be the preferred woman to spend time with…NOW again I’m an utter failure at dating BUT that is because i did the exact same thing you did and mucked it up with a guy i really liked and his response was the same as the one you got i was friend zoned immediately. I learned this after doing a lot of emotional googling trying to figure out what goes on in the male mind. I hope things do work out for you whether with him or someone else but the one thing to know for certain if you want different results the approach has to be different.
Amazing, the idea James in this email, and the responses! Terrific.
Hi James,
I red something interesting from one of your “fans” (I’m one too!) about the “Respect Principle”… I don’t think I red this “respect principle” blog.. could you please send it back to me ? It seems very useful!!
Thank you, and thanks for all the precious advices!
Hi Corinne. She was referring to one of my paid courses. You can find it here.
If he’s interested, HE’LL say that he’ll call and he will follow through – within a few days. If she needs to ask him to call, either he isn’t interested, or he’s got no bottle. So what’s the point of asking in either case? Also, if he’s said nothing about calling, she’s going to sound anxious by asking him to call. Fact is, many men are serial first-daters. They ask women out knowing BEFORE the first date that they don’t want a second date. Either they haven’t got many friends or they are just going through the motions of dating (to keep in practice!) until they meet The One – or they are just not ready for a relationship yet.
What an interesting thread, however, I wonder if we spend too much time worrying. Why not live in the moment, really enjoy the food, the conversation, the surroundings and the man in front of you and forget about everything else. If he dosent call then it wasn’t meant to be but you have really enjoyed the time the two of you shared. Connect to your feminine energy ladies and love yourself this is captivating to a man.
Amen sister!! Why sacrifice the good time you could have had instead of being preoccupied with what COULD be, or if he REALLY likes me, etc….. I’m guilty of it myself, on several occasions!
Life is meant to be LIVED! GO out and live it (not live it up)… Become happy with WHO YOU ARE! And just enjoy the moments!
Hi James,
I enjoyed the article very much, and I feel intrigued by some of the comments. Here’s my two cents:
1. There is a cultural component to all this, and it might work better in some societies than in others. For example, I live in Norway now, where there is so much emphasis on “gender equality” (which transpires beyond “equal opportunities in the workplace” to an androgynyzation of other aspects of life, including the dating scene—if there is such a scene to speak of, since most human connection seems to be happening through drunken Friday night hook-ups that, if by chance repeated with the same person, might turn into “ok, let’s try to be in a relationship”). Men here have been trained that actively pursuing a woman is wrong and can get you promptly put into your place, and that holding the door open for a woman is demeaning for her. I think all this must be incredibly emasculating for them, and that a clear, unmistakable “green light” such as the one suggested in this article would be extremely welcome here. Just to express that: a) you won’t be calling them (which they might be expecting); b) it’s ok to be the pursuer, they won’t be scolded for that; c) you are a confident woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid of expressing her clear wishes, while still being feminine and a little old-fashioned. It gives them the opportunity (which, I think, they crave deep down) to be a gentleman, and a MAN, around you and for you. I have never tried this strategy before, but I definitely will, and I feel it will work just right for the situation here. And after this, I’d completely “lean back” and just “be a girl” (I’m referencing one of my other favorite coaches here, Rori Raye). In this way I’m not turning myself in the perpetual initiator of everything in the interaction, and I just make this one initial gentle nudge to make sure he is allowed to pursue me. For me, this would feel much, much calmer afterwards, in the situation he doesn’t call. I’d probably think “Oh, well, I did everything, it’s up to him now. If he doesn’t call, it means he just wasn’t that into me”, instead of “Ahhhhh, I must have seemed too cold. He probably thinks I didn’t like him. Gosh, why do I do now? Why doesn’t he call?!?!?”
2. As Paulette mentions, HOW you say it is of immense importance (since non-verbal and meta-verbal communication is such a vital part). The words themselves can be interpreted in different ways based on the intonation, tone of voice, gestures, body language, facial expressions. I’d say “Will you call me?” while looking into his eyes, head tilted to one side, a small smile on my face, and in a soft, calm and also rather playful voice. (Well, at least that’s the intention; if I liked him a lot, to be honest… I’d probably be nervous and it would show at least a little; but that’s ok as long as it’s not omg-I-can’t-let-him-slip-through-my-fingers-grrrrrr-dammit nervousness, and rather heeheehee-this-feels-so-nice-I’m-giddy-and-want-more-of-it nervousness.) I’d try to bring myself into a confident, calm, happy mood before the date, and enjoy it and stay in that mood throughout, so by the end of it I can actually feel nice and relaxed and a little flirty and playful. That way, the words wouldn’t come across as needy and/or controlling, but rather as “I like you, all this is fun. Here, I’m throwing you the ball, it’s up to you now to keep it going.” The emotional vibe you give the message is all in HOW you say it, and you can make it light and pleasant and appealing.
James, please correct me if I’m wrong. 🙂
Excellent! You are very insightful, Julia!
Thanks for combining your wisdom and knowledge in a way others can benefit from.
Thank you Julia,
I found your comment very insightful and useful.
I’m not sure about that one…if I’m having a great time on the date, I do like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman she tells Richard Gere…’In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” guys like that, they don’t have to wait till the end of the night for feedback
Yeah, I think it’s a perfect thing to say during the date.
Ditto.. what Suzanne said!
I agree, I would never assume a call or next date. If it went well, then I just keep those happy thoughts in my head and keep living my life. I would never ask a man to pursue me. If I am pursing him, he can’t pursue me.
Asking a guy if he’ll call shows desperation and a lack of confidence. To me, you should definitely give him clues that you’re interested in hearing from him again (perhaps a quick peck on his lips or gazing into his eyes
I usually smile sexily and say, “I’ll talk to you whenever you call.” Works like a charm everytime…
Thanks for contributing to the discussion, Ava. This may be a deeper level of framing than you are used to seeing in dating advice. There are several layers of communicating a “message” about whether you are needy and desperate vs. in charge and in demand. With the method I describe here, the meta-message is, “Here are my expectations. I am used to people pursuing me, so if you want to be taken seriously, here are clear (but politely phrased) instructions on what you need to do.” It’s a powerful message that a socially sophisticated man will pick up on. You don’t need to worry about appearing desperate with this method, though you seem to have a mastery of charm that lets you get away with a more visceral level of communication. That’s great!
I think it’s all in how you ask the question. If you ask the question with a bubbly happy I know you will call me attitude is better than asking the question like an unsure timid person.
James, Wait a minute…I’m confused: Many of the other dating coaches say NOT to ask a guy such a direct question as “will u call me?” as its puts added pressure on him & puts him on the spot to #1: say “Yes, I will call you” (when he actually does want to call you), OR, #2: Lie to you so he wont hurt you..
I’d be afraid to ask a guy if he was going to call me after a first date….If he said “yes”, and didn’t call, I think that would be even a BIGGER letdown than if he just didn’t call at all….
Good questions, Suzanne. First, most dating coaches try to use advice based on the “hard to get” routine where you create a mental frame that says, “I’m the prize. If you want me, you have to chase me.” There is a tiny bit of value in that, though the idea came from what seemed to work for men when people started experimenting with this kind of thing twenty years ago. That mental frame (playing it cool) is not attractive to men. It doesn’t work very well for women.
The second issue you bring up is a good one. If you don’t want to know for sure if a guy likes you, don’t ask if he will call. Just wait and gradually give up as the realization gradually sets in that he is not pursuing you. But if you do want to know, use the method I described to clearly communicate what he needs to do if he wants to impress you and raise his hand to identify himself as a man who has interest.
Thanks James…I guess I’ll try the way you say here…(since I’ve been told by some guys that I “just didn’t seem that interested” so they didn’t call). I guess I didn’t realize I was giving off that “I don’t need you” vibe so strongly…..
Ok I do have one quick question though…Does this dialogue come off as controlling by the woman? Like giving a request and asking for it to be done. I would feel like I would be caged if someone did that to me. Tell me where my thinking is off.
I have thought that a better approach would be:
You: “Will you call me?”
Him: “Yes. How could I not?”
********You: “Okay will hear from you soon?”
Him: “Definitely.”
You: “Good. I’ll wait for your call. Goodnight.”
Him: (thinking silently as he walks away) Dang, that girl has some kind of magic hold on me!
But again I love this guy (James Bauer). Blessed me so much
It is refreshing to see you putting this advice to the test of your own sound reasoning, Kai. Yes, you do raise the risk of seeming controlling, but not much. The mental frame he is in (about you and about your actions) are about pursuit and high expectation for being treated well. He is unlikely to feel put off by a question that is designed to reveal his intentions about when he will call. If you just leave it at “soon?” he can say “yes” and think “soon” means twelve days from now.
How can he answer anything but yes? There is no way out for him. If he didn’t enjoy it many would not be able to actually say it.
It’s a good question (and point) you raise, Ninette. Here’s how the human psychology of it works. You can use this method or dismiss it as you see fit for your unique style. Basically, when a person makes a verbal statement, they feel an unconscious and automatic desire to act consistent with their words. So, as you point out, it is hard to say anything but, “yes,” which causes him to be much more likely to act the part of a gentleman and follow up with you rather than leaving you waiting and wondering.
I am coming from the perspective of a dating coach, which means I want to maximize the chances of this particular guy falling in love with you, which often does not happen on the first date. We often end up loving people we did not initially have feelings for. So, as a dating coach, I sometimes suggest this technique to raise the odds that he will discover his passion for you as he spends more time with you. Some people don’t like working this hard to “sell themselves” so to speak, and if that’s you, leave this technique behind. Wishing you the best!
James Bauer
I agree, it sounds controlling. Asking a guy to call you is even worse, it sounds desperate. A guy should call a woman only if he wants to, if he doesn’t call you it’s because he does not feel like it, regardless of how great the date went (sometimes it’s all in your mind).
You have really been a blessing. I am hoping my sister starts reading your blogs so that she can view things in a better way. You have truly tapped in.
What should your action/response be if he does not call by Friday as he said he would? I am talking to a guy for almost 2 months who enthusiastically says he will call, IM, send pictures and then it doesn’t happen. When he contacts me again, I ask about what he promised and the usual response goes something like “I’m sorry, babe. I will get you some photos definitely!” yet it still has not happened. I have seen him on Skype a few times and have one photo so it is not a “Catfish” situation. What is the deal?
He Leila. It sounds like he may be either busy with multiple relationships (online or offline) or he may be on the ADHD side of the spectrum with poor skills for organization and follow-through. Either way, I think this is a situation where it is important to say what you feel as described in this article.
I agree. I felt like there are probably others he was talking to so I did ask and let him know he could be honest. Of course he denied. I should though not listen to the words but rather decide what his actions are telling me. From his actions, story is not do good. He did surprise me by emailing 2 pics out of the blue yesterday and steady nice IM contact but no phone calls or Skype. Again, I should focus on what actions are telling me because words are easy to say.
Thanks, James.
BTW- ,the reason I say more likely seeing others is that these gaps in communication and forgetfulness tend to occur on evenings and weekends. Thanks again, James and great article about say what you feel.
Hi Leila,
In my opinion the deal is that you need to believe you deserve better. Why would anyone waste their time on someone, male or female, who does not keep their word? Basically they are liars, and are often comittment phobes.
I had the same thing happen to me in my LDR, so when he didn’t call when he said he would, I told him, “if you want me to trust & respect you, you need to do what you say you will do. No excuses are acceptable. I expect you to be true to your words, or I’ll no longer be interested in you. ” I love the Harve Ekker quote “there is no ‘try’. You do or do not do” It’s really that simple. If a guy ever says “I’ll try, but…” I say OK, bye, and walk away/hang up. I can gaurantee he’ll think differently about you, and if he truly is interested make him work for the next date. Don’t be too available. Men don’t value what they don’t have to work for. They take it/you for granted and ultimately don’t respect you as a mature desireable woman. Instead they see you as ‘needy’and just as we women find that a turn-off,so do men .
Have enough self-esteem and self worth to know you are worth it. So many women make the mistake of thinking a man will complete them, but the truth is they find women who are complete in themselves far more attractive. It has nothing to do with stereotypical good looks. We all know women who don’t look like models and have happy long term relationships. So you go girl, and create a happy life with or without a guy in it! Suddenly men are intrigued and interested.
This is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen anywhere. I believe this was meant for me to read today as I am dealing with someone who has taking me for an emotional roller coaster ride because I let him and always made excuses for his inconsistencies and shady behavior. After reading this I feel confident that I can address this problem expressing exactly how I feel and walk away with my head high knowing that I deserve better. Thank you Jennifer!
Omg, so I just read this article and it makes perfect sense. Further more, I really enjoy going through other women’s comments & perception on the topic. I personally wanna thank James for providing such useful insight on how men think & what clues to look for & work towards. But Jennifer, you gave some real powerful feedback and you deserve to be acknowledge aswell. THANK You for reminding us women that it starts with our self-esteem & for the “all so well put ” example of “women who don’t look like super models yet have a Happy long term relationship” great point. Definitely, my priority will be me & fulfilling my happiness by doing things that I enjoy, thus feel empowered & in turn be more desirable. Thanks again. Good day.
Jennifer. You are indeed very wise! Thank you for telling us ladies the way it should be. Your words and thinking are excellent and well articulated. I am a recent Widow, aged 60. I have been married most of my life, but am now ready to love again. Have not been on a date in 23 years, so learning all over again how it’s done now in this day and age. I still believe in the old fashioned way of a Gentleman courting a Lady. He must be true to his word and follow through with his actions in order to gain her trust and respect. Words are just words and mean nothing without actions. As you so rightly said, there is no “try”. He either is, or is not worthy of you, your time and your effort. Ladies, love yourself, respect yourself, value yourself first. The good men will follow your example. I fully agree with the … “Will you call me?” question.
Thanks to the wonderful advice given on this site and others, I have attracted the attentions a really wonderful man – who lives 8,000 miles away!!! LOL. He is trying hard … we shall see … Thanks, James, for all your really good advice! I appreciate you.
It’s nice to have people like you adding comments like this, Mary. May you reap the positive blessings you speak into the lives of others.
Is it that simple? I’ve had guys say they’ll call, and don’t. I don’t have that problem anymore, though. But when I was younger…..
he is merry. he call the day bedfore
I like everything you mention. it is so true