What do you do if his actions leave you feeling neglected or lonely, even when you are in a relationship? How do you communicate angry feelings constructively?
Many of the questions I receive from women around the world have a common theme. A man is not giving as much as he could in the relationship and they ask me what to do.
Here’s my advice in a nutshell.
You should tell him what you feel. But there is a specific way to do this correctly.
Done correctly, an open verbal expression of your feelings (without blame) can simultaneously spur him to action, raise your own self-esteem, and increase his feelings of attraction toward you.
Let’s discuss how it’s done.
There are two critical factors you must keep in mind. The two factors are his emotional reactions and your emotional reactions. These are the only real barriers to complete honesty.
Honesty is what we need, but we all know someone who is a little too honest, lacking emotional sensitivity in the way they express their thoughts and feelings. You don’t want to be that person.
So how do you find the balance between honesty and sensitivity?
No two situations are exactly alike, but I recommend you stick to this basic formula. Focus on describing your sad or hurt feelings while minimizing or completely leaving out the various ways he caused you to feel that way. Be completely honest about the emotions you are experiencing.
Here’s what will happen.
He will either guess why you feel hurt, sad, or angry, or he will ask you why you feel hurt, angry, or sad. Either way, try to keep the focus of discussion on your feelings, as if you are leaving it up to him to figure out what he needs to do about it. It’s okay to say a sentence or two about the disappointed hopes or unmet expectations behind your feelings, but do not get into accusations or even a discussion of what he did wrong.
You are not responsible for correcting his course of action. That’s his job. If he values his relationship with you, he will work hard to figure out how he blew it with you. There is a certain level of self-esteem and self-respect that comes from owning our own feelings but not begging or pleading for someone else to change the way they are impacting our feelings. He will realize you are independent and in control of yourself. He will realize he needs to change his own behavior quick if he wants to keep you.
This works so much better than focusing on what he did wrong. The knee-jerk human reaction to accusations and blame is defensiveness. When someone doesn’t seem to be on the attack, defensiveness goes down. What’s more, it puts him in a position where he is actually seeking information about how he can improve. Instead of you shoving the information down his throat in a way that makes him feel angry or defensive, you simply state your feelings as feedback he needs to be aware of regarding the outcomes of his actions (or inactions).
I know this can be difficult. Our emotions make it easy to slip over that edge and really let him have it once we breach a topic that has been bothering us. I only ask you to strive for implementing this formula. Don’t try to be perfect.
So the next time you find yourself wondering what you should do when he lets you down, think about the underlying emotion you are experiencing. Take the focus off of his actions. Instead, focus on gently but honestly and openly expressing how you feel.
Don’t play games or act mysterious. That will drive a man crazy. You are going to avoid direct questions if he asks you why you feel sad. You will answer his question with a factual statement about how you felt when he did such and such an action. I’ll give you an example in a minute.
Your response to a direct question must be spoken softly, with appropriate eye contact and absolutely no vengeful or bitter anger. Remember, you want to attract him with your strong self-esteem. People with good self-esteem do not express themselves with hate or vengeful anger. When he feels attracted to you, he will want to do what he can to win your love and keep you.
Here’s an example scenario to show you what I mean when I say you should respond to direct questions with a factual statement about how you felt:
David: “But, why are you feeling disappointed and angry?”
Teresa: “I told all my friends you would meet us there at 2 o’clock. I had pictured it a certain way in my mind. When you still weren’t there at 3 o’clock, I started to feel nervous about the impression it would make on my friends. Then I started to feel rejected or unimportant.”
Notice that in this example, Teresa told the honest truth while focusing on her own thoughts, expectations, and resulting feelings. She did not say things about how rude and insensitive he was. She did not say something like, “I mean, come on! An hour late? That’s ridiculous!” That kind of response would just bring up his defensiveness and lead to arguments that make you both feel worse.
When you openly express your own emotions, and leave out the accusatory remarks, you are inviting him to make amends. You are simultaneously acting in a way that will cause him to respect you more and feel more attracted to you. Essentially, this formula is designed to bring out the best in the man you are with.
This formula will be somewhat helpful no matter what, but to supercharge the effect; you need to use it in combination with the respect principle. If you have not already implemented that set of irresistible male attraction triggers, learn more about it here.