It’s so fun to text back and forth with someone new.
You feel like you’re really getting to know each other.
It’s SO much easier to flirt.
You can type things you’d never say in person.
You can ask your friends for ideas.
You can even text him in your pajamas, no makeup required!
These days, a lot of new relationships kick off with texting.
You spot a promising guy online, he asks for your number, and you text back and forth until you get up the courage to meet in person.
That texting stage is so enjoyable. It’s thrilling. You feel like you’re getting so much closer to him. You have this great rapport with him. You just know this is going to turn into something beautiful…
Until it fizzles out into nothing.
Zip. Zero. Silence.
Has this ever happened to you?
How many of your promising new connections end up going nowhere?
Some people think it’s because guys think it’s okay to ghost on you.
Others think it’s because there are so many options online.
But there’s another reason those promising new connections end up going nowhere…
A reason hardly ANYONE is talking about…
The Big Assumption Leading You Astray
It’s obvious that developing good rapport over text increases your chances of getting into a relationship… isn’’t it?
Surely, the better your “texting game,” the more likely he’ll fall in love with you and want a relationship?
That’s the big assumption.
And it’s easily tested.
If it’s true, then having a great connection over text would almost ALWAYS lead to a great connection in person.
But that’s not what happens for many people.
And there are some sound scientific reasons behind it.
Here are 3 assumptions you might be making and some tips that will make a BIG difference.
1. You assume that texting helps you learn who he really is.
When you meet a guy online, all you have are some pictures and some text.
You’re not meeting the real him. You’re meeting his avatar.
That avatar has been carefully crafted to present the man he wants you to see, not the man he really is.
Online, we are all characters in a story.
When people read the text we’ve written, it’s like reading a book. Their imagination brings our words to life.
The problem comes when real life clashes with the digital world.
Researchers have found that the longer you communicate online before meeting each other, the more of a shock you feel.
This person isn’t anything like the person you thought you’d been corresponding with.
Maybe he’s a nice-enough person in real life, but you’d built him up to be someone different in your head.
That’s enough to derail a relationship.
Tip: If you feel comfortable and safe, meet him in person within a week or two of meeting online.
2. You assume that texting is moving you closer to a relationship.
Even if you don’t feel comfortable flirting in real life, you can probably type something flirtatious and send it to him.
Texting lends itself to flirting.
That’s why many women assume that texting moves a relationship forward faster. It’s easier to admit your attraction over text than it is to tell him in person.
The technical term for this is disinhibition.
We will say things over text that we’d never say in person.
If you’ve ever received an unwanted picture of a man’s body or a lewd suggestion from a guy you barely know, this is why.
For too many men, the disinhibition of online communication does not help them open their hearts and express everlasting love.
Rather, it motivates to make sexual advances.
Instead of doing the work to get to know one woman and show her he’d be a good romantic partner, men text multiple women in hopes of an easy yes.
That’s why those in-person dates matter now more than ever.
A man who’s having a coffee or a drink with you is a man willing to commit his time exclusively to you. That’s a guy who might be relationship material.
Tip: Don’t assume a guy is serious about you because he’s texting you. He’s serious about you if he’s making time to see you.
3. You assume texting is creating a closer bond between you.
You feel so close to him after you’ve been texting. He says he feels the same way.
But is that feeling a sign that your relationship is becoming stronger?
Texting gives you hits of dopamine, a neurochemical associated with excitement and novelty. It’s a great feeling, but bonding is something different.
The neurochemical of bonding is oxytocin. Oxytocin is responsible for the mother-baby bond. It’s also responsible for the bond you feel with a man after you’ve slept with him.
High levels of oxytocin keep couples together.
So how do you boost oxytocin?
Through physical touch.
Cuddling. Hugging. Snuggling up next to each other.
Physical contact is the secret to a strong bond.
Research backs this up. When texting share in a relationship increases (the amount of time you spend texting versus time spent together), your bond as a couple weakens.
Tip: Try to spend at least as much time together in person as you do texting.
I’ve known my guy for 4 decades. We started a long distance relationship in January. He has freaked out twice. He is recently divorced and some things I do, he has compared me to one of his ex wives or girlfriends. I feel that he is afraid and I don’t know how to show him I’m not going anywhere. We used to have a really strong bond. I feel like it is barely there since his 2 freak outs. I don’t know what to do.
Hey Stephanie. Did you ask him what to do?
If you’re at a stage in your relationship where you can openly talk about the relationship together, this often leads to better outcomes than guessing what he needs in order to feel safe and ready to enjoy spending time with you again.
If nothing else, it may raise his awareness of the fact that he has been pushing you away, possibly without fully realizing it.
Just be sure to approach the conversation with questions about how he’s feeling rather than statements that might sound (to him) like accusations.
Always on your side,
Do men feel a ‘hit of oxytocin ‘ after sleeping with a woman or is this just a female responce?
Is this why you have suggested that a woman should not become sexual ” too soon” in a relationship with a guy? What is too soon anyway? How long into a relationship is it safe to become sexual and not have it destroy a relationshoip? Explain please.