For as long as I’ve known Rachel, she’s wanted the same thing:
A wonderful guy who treated her well and wanted to make a future with her.
But the men in her life never quite fit that description.
Every time I spoke to her, she’d be gushing about someone new. This guy was a lawyer. This guy was a stockbroker. This guy took her to an amazing rooftop bar. This guy took her out on his boat.
She was carried away by excitement every time.
But I never got to meet the guy in her life, because Rachel would be single again in no time at all.
“Guys just don’t commit these days,” she told me with a sigh.
But I had a hunch something else was going on.
Rachel was falling for her new guys based on the excitement and thrill of those first few dates.
Was that criteria hurting her chances of finding the committed man of her dreams?
3 Ways Guys Try to Romance You
Some men see every date as a potential conquest.
Their goal is to win their date’s affections—even if they hardly know her.
Instead of “wasting time” learning more about you and seeing if you want the same things and determining whether you’re compatible—a boring proposition, as far as they’re concerned—they go straight for the win.
They pour on the romance. Nothing is more flattering than someone who’s intensely interested in you and captivated by you from the moment you lock eyes.
These men ratchet up the emotional intensity in three ways.
1. The Grand Gesture
This is the guy who pulls strings to get you reservations at an exclusive restaurant on your very first date. It’s the guy who flies across the country to see you on a whim. It’s the guy who lures you in with adventure, or the guy who surprises you with expensive experiences or gifts.
2. The Soulmate
This is the guy who gets emotionally intense really fast. He says that you have a spiritual connection unlike anything he’s ever experienced before. He talks about destiny, twin flames, soulmates. Maybe you can’t feel the chemistry he’s feeling, but he seems so certain about it.
3. The Passionate Lover
This is the guy who can’t tear his eyes away from you. He compliments little details about your appearance that you thought no man would ever notice. He has to hold himself back from kissing you, he says, because he knows he’s going too fast. It’s just so hard for him to keep his hands off you.
When a man pours on the romance in those early dates…
His feelings towards you are so big and bold and flattering and exciting that you forget what you’re here for.
You forget that you’re on this date to decide whether he might be a good long-term match.
You’re swept away in the moment…
And that distraction can lead you away from what you really want.
A Love Story or a Lifelong Love?
The reason it’s so easy to get distracted by grand romantic gestures or talk of twin flames is because our great love stories sound like this.
When the couples in our love stories meet, they automatically know their connection is beyond this world.
Couples who are destined to be together don’t have to waste time asking each other questions and listening. They don’t have to waste time figuring out whether they share the same values or want the same things.
They just “know.”
And we think we should “just know,” too.
But the qualities that make a relationship go the distance are not obvious at first sight.
It takes time to find out whether a man is good at communicating when things get difficult. It takes time to find out whether you can handle being together 24-7. It takes time to adapt to each other, and learn how to work through conflicts, and make joint decisions.
You cannot tell whether he’s a good partner based on how he treats you on those early dates. He’s only showing you what you want to see.
Spot a Commitment-Minded Guy
Guys who are looking for lifelong commitment do things differently.
They rarely splurge on those grand gestures for the first date, because they don’t really know you. They want to save those grand gestures for the woman they truly love.
These guys tend to take it slowly in the beginning. They don’t jump to conclusions about you. They don’t assume you’re the love of their life. They ask questions, and they listen, and they think about what you’ve said.
You might decide that the date is a dud. After all, there weren’t fireworks. This guy didn’t pursue you as boldly as other guys you’ve been with.
But maybe, like Rachel, you’ve been so busy looking up into the sky for fireworks that you haven’t looked down to see the warm glow in the eyes of this man sitting across from you.
If what you want is a wonderful guy who treats you well and wants to make a future with you, then look for that. Your heart is too precious to spend on anything else.