When I was in high school, there was a girl named Stephanie who had it all. She was tall with a pretty face and a nice figure.
Her dad was one of the richest guys in town and gave her the choice of any brand-new car she wanted for her sixteenth birthday. Nearly all the popular guys in our school stood in line for their turn to date her.
I did not stand in line.
If you asked me if she was an attractive person, I would have said “yes” without a second thought. However, I was not attracted to the idea of myself in her presence. She was taller than me by a good inch. She wore clothes that made mine look shabby.
And the worst thing was her silly way of interacting with people. I was very serious during my high school years, and I took pride in the accomplishments I was already pursuing at that early age.
Stephanie liked to engage people with as much silly banter as she could. It’s not that I couldn’t see the value of that playful style of interaction; it’s just that it didn’t play to my strong suit.
I could imagine myself feeling awkward and unlikable compared to her when trying to interact with her friends. In contrast, my friends looked up to me for my tendency to deeply consider questions before responding. I had my silly side too, but I wouldn’t want to be that version of myself twenty-four-seven.
Here’s what I’m getting at…
When I am attracted to you, it means I want more of you in my life. Even beyond that though, attraction means I enjoy being me when I am in your presence.
I don’t know if you have noticed this, but you change depending on who you are spending time with.
Some people draw out one facet of your personality while other people pull for another facet of your personality. Like a diamond with many facets carved into the stone, the light you reflect back at others changes depending on your surroundings.
“Some people are so much sunshine per square inch.” That’s a quote from Walt Whitman. His statement captures so much truth. I personally like myself better when I am in the company of people who have that special “sunshine” quality.
The sunshine quality is very different than the silly quality. You can be reserved in your demeanor yet beaming with sunshine as someone approaches you to strike up a conversation.
It’s not that I like a sunny kind of person more than I like a sad person. I love them both; but I like myself better when I spend time with a woman who has that special sort of “sunshine” quality.
“Live life as a monument to your soul.”
Ayn Rand
Here’s the number-one reason why I think you should consider how a potential partner brings out various facets of your own personality. My reasoning is reflected in the quote above. I want my soul to shine as I live my life. Therefore, I want to choose a partner who will help my soul to genuinely shine.
Does this make sense to you? Do you only look at the qualities and characteristics of a potential partner, or do you consider how they magnify or dull the radiance of your own best qualities?
Always on your side,
James
Lately I keep hearing/reading this same wisdom being expressed in different ways, with different words, and in longer or shorter versions, but it can always be reduced this simple thought: (It’s a quote from someone, I’m sure, but I don’t know who )
People may soon forget what you have said or done, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.
That applies to good, bad or otherwise….and when you really delve into it, the concept is profound.
Thank you for one of the longer, enriching version.
Words of wisdom! A healthy person will build a happy life an seek out a partner who will enhance that life.
What a great article! You hit the nail on the head! I think many people do not know themselves. They have not identified who they really are. They have formed an “outside” personality to fit into who ever they are around, yet feel no one understands them. Truth is that they have not let others know their real self. Every one of us is unique…. let your uniqueness show!
In my younger days I too tried to fit in. As I matured I found that I was happier being who I was even if I didn’t “fit in” at the time; to be myself, not just a reflection of someone else. Now when I meet someone new, I seek to find something about them I like and relax, putting the attention on them, not myself. People are now more comfortable and natural with me because I am with them. And as I learn about others, I also grow in knowledge of myself. Through this I have found sound relationships…. not just with men but with both sexes. Emily Dickenson said “We turn, not older with years, but newer every day”. Be open to new ideas, new ways of doing things, and love the new you.
Absolutely agree with the statement that we change while interacting with others, people and surroundings influence our behavior and I did notice these: it does! And we definitely should choose a partner who can get best out of us only by his presence. But don’t you think the statements in the article are contradicting them-selfs, you say you like to be around “sunshine” people and at the same time it states that we influence this very personality to shine or not to shine. It sounds like there are rare people out there that always shine? no matter with whom and where they are? And they don’t get under our influence? Please clarify? If this is the case it’s definitely an exception. Otherwise, I noticed that every-one, every-person can be at its highest sunshine point and NOT depending only with whom they are interacting. So to conclude with a BIG question: when I found myself shining brightly with one person and a hour later I found myself not at all with another, who shall I consider myself: am I “sunshine” or not? And one more point, I can notice when my presence does the same to another person I’m interacting with, but in certain cases I do care and others I don’t, who am I after this?
Wow! You’re going deep into the underlying philosophy! You raise some interesting questions and subtle nuances of this concept. Very interesting insights you have. I would say we have many different states of being and all of them combine to make up who we are, rather than just one state. However, we can encourage the states (in ourselves) that we most highly value by noticing the very things you point out here (e.g., that some people bring out a certain energy from within us).
Thank you James! We want to be around people who bring the best out of us and we should not settle for less, however, in my opinion, we should strive to be the source of light and shine regardless how the other person makes us feel . If we are always positive, we will attract positive, and we will reform the world.
what a wonderful article! I’ve had an experience recently that has taught me this philosophy. It’s so true and worded so eloquently. Thank you..
This is something I have thought about to myself, thanks James for your confirmation, Be who you are, it is difficult to change someone’s character, may change overtime, accept them the way they are would be best.
Being who you are fully is very important. Excepting others for who they are is as well. Being at ease and yourself with others is what we all want. Letting others know they can be themselves without judgement is paramount. But throughout this realization we must remember that we are improving on ourselves. That silly girl may not be the one who reflects sunshine on some but on others. Knowing ones own self and accepting ones self with the personality that is theirs will shine through. The problem with this and showing different facets to different people is others may not expect that one has different facets. The key to this is remember it is not always the woman who needs improvement. It is both. Both need to accept as well. Both need to be themselves.
That is true, that is so clever, I hope many people will understant and feel that. I’m 71 and try to share that philosophy with my young friends…
I appreciate this so much. I now know to stop wondering about a relationship that almost worked out. It does not matter since I would not really shine in his presence. Not fully. I am evolving and really starting to shine. I will keep this in mind for the next relationship. I shine and he shines.
Wow! You Have such an easy way of putting things to help me understand relationships on a deeper level! I could not have come across your book at a better time. Feeling helpless and wondered often what my problem was…especially for my boyfriend to call of our relationship after being together for 3 years.
Long story short, I bought the book. Started to apply it to my life…then I noticed a dramatic change in the way he was treating me…we finally got back together, and are happily dating again!
I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for the wisdom and advice you have given in the book “What Men Secretly want”
I personally look forward to reading your emails every week! Ah! Thanks so much, you’re amazing 🙂
-Sarah
The heart and soul are the essence of our Being and hold many facets of who we are as individuals. That is why we can be surprised with those we care about when they exhibit unexpected personality aspects that we haven’t seen before or considered.
Being human most always keeps us in the ego state where we see things mainly from our personal view of reality. Good or bad traits in relationships are revealed slowly over time that inspire us to evaluate and consider whether that person is good long term relationship material. We all want to be loved, respected, and cherished in a relationship with someone that offers support and care for us in various ways, and that will enhance and bestow comfort and contentment in our souls.
Showering our relationships with sunny side up aspects of ourselves is so important to keep the persons we choose to spend time with comfortable and happy. But we must remember that it is equally important to consider what we require to remain sunny and bright…. basically by surrounding ourselves with those that offer the care and comfort back, This keeps us motivated to give the best of ourselves!
P.S. Cherish those evolved souls who wander into our lives, as they can often be diamonds in the rough.
And…. so fun to read your universally, inspiring words, James! Your commentaries assists us to be the best we can be as individuals and to grow outside of ourselves. (As so many of us trip ourselves up!)
Happy, sunny day!
You have a way with words, Joan. Thanks for adding to the discussion.
Love this post. Made me smile from the inside and out 🙂
James! You are absolutely a geniuos. Mine is just a question,Why is it that some of us don’t realise the importance of the soul? and mostly they take it for granted where by it gets wasted and lately abunded.
When you reflect what’s in your soul you will attract all kinds of people. The tricky part is to know what’s IN your soul – and then choosing a partner that complement it (not fit it)…
I’ve been with an abusive partner for 8 years – and when I finally had rid myself of these patterns in myself – he left. And my – what a great move!!! Because now I’m ME as I’ve never been before 🙂
When the sun shines in your soul you will attract the good people and know how to stay clear of the bad apples.
Anette, HOW did you do that ( had rid myself of these patterns in myself )? I wanna do that too! In myself! I feel so bad right now in the presence of my husband like never ever before in the whole my life!
Thank you, James, I’ve looked at myself from the other side and understood that maybe I shouldn’t fight for him… Maybe let him go…
I know how you feel with my husband I don’t even know what to say or do since he’s having an affair with my niece the one I love dearly it almost feels like a dream like a nightmare and I wish I would wake up from but I take one day at a time and you always says I’m number one he loves me more but he will never leave her
Valencia what is going on in your life?
The exact same thing happened to me! I knew my real self was buried somewhere deep inside. It only came out when I was with my true friends. Now that he has passed away (committed suicide from alcoholism and Rx abuse), I can finally be free to be me.
James, you soliidified exactly what I was trying to figure out all of these years Thank you for reiterating that staying true to yourself among others is one of the best ways to know your relationship is healthy!
This is really enlightening! You’re right, we should choose partners who bring out the best in us…then we can radiate that ‘best’ back out into the world. Too often I change to be what I think my partner wants…and that tends to dull my sunshine…and theirs. Thanks James! 🙂
Right!
Wow, this one really made me realize something about someone in my life. What you explained is exactly what I love about this person. Thank you… thank you very much!
Glad the article helped, Amanda.
The message is so clear and obvious; so why did it take me 43 years to figure it out!
Just as I did, I see young people grapple with the pressures of achievieving perfection in order to feel validated and worthy of a quality partner….. I wish I could shout it from the roof-tops!!!!
Your message supports the simple notion that…. we dont fall in love with the qualities of another person, we fall in love with how we feel in their presence!! Its about what we project to another to help them feel wonderful about themselves that will be our most valuable endearing quality…..
Why dont they teach this stuff in schools to young people….. they could avoid a life time of wondering why “they arent good enough” to deserve the happiness they see around them….. How simple the winning formula is!!
Thankyou James….. once again!!
I am with someone right now that I feel literally makes my soul sing. I can be multifaceted with him. I can be silly, I can be serious and it’s just wonderful. So I agree different people brings out different parts of you
Yeah!
That is beautiful. I feel exactly the same way!! Thank you for expressing it for me 🙂
What a beautiful way to look at another person. Thank you.
Very nice! I agree…thank you for sharing. This parallels the notion of being with people that bring out and nurture our authentic selves 🙂
Dear dear James, this is definitely some of your best work and I just had to write and express how grateful I am for your brain and it’s thoughtful accuracy. My soul has a voice and my brain now has the exact wording to express what I must have in a mate. Signed,your grateful fan!
I really appreciate that!
James, you are surely not any run-of the-mill relationship counsellor. I think you may be wasted in this “silly” milieu; that maybe it is time for you to create a platform where you can truly express all that you have become and be heard by a wider audience. 🙂
Wow! That’s a really nice compliment. Thanks for the encouragement!
I totally agree, James. You should be nationally recognized with your own TV show such as Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. Maybe you need to rub shoulders with Oprah?
I’d love to. Maybe you can introduce me? 🙂
Dear James: I keep following your work all along, in fact, I only read from YOU on the subject about relationships as your intuitive wisdom, unbelievable deep understanding of people’s psychology and intrinsic power and knowledge how to frame your thoughts in the exact manner to reach the right audience make you an impeccable counselor, a brilliant healer, an intuitive shaman and in a sense, a “medicine man”…
Much gratitude!!!
😀 Thanks, Angelique. Though in some circles in my culture we discount “shaman,” as a fake, I have traveled enough to know you meant that as a compliment. I appreciate it!
I agree with Lynne. Perhaps a book. Then you can be a guest on Fresh Air with Terry Gross, (NPR) and other programs mentioned to promote your book.
Your insights and wisdom, the things you teach, are tools I wish I had learned much younger. I would have avoided many of the pitfalls and saved much grief and heartache in the past.
Wow, thank you.
We all need sunshine!
This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Thank you so much, ML