Angie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.
I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.
In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”
This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.
We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!
The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.
Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality.
So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.
The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”
This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.
In fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.
But I need to warn you about something.
I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:
Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.
I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.
It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.
Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.
In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.
A commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.
What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?
Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.
James
Hi James,
Thanks for your articles!
I recently began the internet dating thing in the hopes of meeting a man outside of my profession; not to mention avoid the whole guy in a bar scene.
I met a man online, we live about 150 miles apart; we are both experiencing a separation after long term marriages that went badly. I am nearing divorce while he is just beginning the legal process but living independently and seeking to start a new life. We hit it off tremendously well, our connection was immediate, unforced, and felt 100% natural. We communicated by messaging for the first month and then progressed to phone calls as well. We both work crazy schedules and had challenges making time to “meet” in person. He was somewhat hesitant as he said his kids, both are young 20 somethings, were not ready for him to begin dating and he didn’t want be deceitful. I fully understood this as my own child had similar reservations about my dating last year. I gladly conceded to his need to prepare his kids for his new life, waiting patiently for them to be more accepting and for them all to be as ready as possible. We maintained daily contact via text and phone calls several times a week until we met face to face after 3 months. All was well! The connection was even stronger in person and our feelings were mutual. He voiced how he felt we were meant for one another, spoke in terms of the future, etc. we were able to work our schedules to meet again this month. During our date his kid began texting and calling repeatedly; she flipped out after seeing he was at an out of town location. He immediately felt the need to leave, has withdrawn saying his kids have discovered he is dating and they are devastated because he was not completely honest with them. He now says he needs time to repair his relationship with his kids but still feels like “we” are connected and this relationship can and will “go somewhere” but feels like it’s hard to see where it can go as long as his kids are not on board. I completely understand his need maintain his relationship with his kids, protect it and put them first. But at what point do I say what about me? How long do I wait? I’ve never felt this way about any other man, not even my ex-husband of 20 years. Our connection is that real and strong. For the first time in almost 5 months we’ve not communicated for almost a week. No calls, no texts. I’m feeling lost and disappointed. Even fearful that I am losing the one person I want. I’m respecting his need for time and space. But how long do I wait? How long do I give before I walk away? I feel like if I give up on him and I’m not supportive of him in this….I will be the one to miss out!
My boyfriend of 10 months recently had his father die, they didn’t have a good relationship And then with the whole coronavirus situation he lost some hours at work a couple of weeks went by and we barely talked and we didn’t see each other and his birthday was coming up. So I contacted him and I told him that I had his birthday presents and I wanted to come over and see have a talk and he responded with a text message that said he was sorry but he just wanted to be friends and he had too much going on right now and everything is life was messed up and he was not in a good spot so obviously I pleaded with him to not make an emotional decision and for us to talk with us was all over and he told me to stop contacting him and I and then with the whole coronavirus situation he lost of hours at work a couple weeks went by and we barely talked and we didn’t see each other and his birthday was coming up. So I contacted him and I told him that I had his birthday presents and I want to come over and see have a talk and he responded with a text message that said he was sorry but he just wanted to be friends and he had too much going on right now and everything in his life is messed up and he was not in a good spot so obviously I pleaded with him to not make an emotional decision and for us to talk with this was all over and he told me to stop contacting him and I haven’t heard from since, it’s been about 2 weeks. The last thing I said to him was I love you and I’m here for you. Should I wait for him to contact me or let more time pass?
Hi James, I have been in love with a guy for 3 years. He is in the divorce process from his 1st wife (been going on 4 years!!) We got engaged early on but because we have had so many fights, one time he asked for the ring back so I gave it back. He leaves after a fight for a week or so where I don’t hear from him and always comes back declaring his love and commitment to me with golden words like ‘I just cant live without you’, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you’ etc etc… My issue with him from the beginning is, he doesn’t keep his word. His thing is he says ‘Next week I’ll sort it out’ for everything and next week never comes. He says he will buy us a home so we can marry and live together (he has money, land and assets that he has put in his sister’s name for the divorce), but we have gone to look at many houses and every time he backs out. I need him to show his commitment for me through marriage and providing me a home (the good old fashioned way) but I can’t help feeling that he may be taking me for a ride, even though his words say otherwise. I have suggested friendship till his divorce is over but that is a no-no for him, he says he can’t handle not seeing me (he means at his caravan for ‘sleepovers’…). Can you suggest perhaps a way forward for me James…?
Do NOT chase a man. If he has left – he has left, you didn’t leave. If you chase him, he will not respect you. If he wants to come back, it has to be from his own heart, and he has to EARN you and your love. Like James said don’t give your love away unless they have earned it. Big lesson
I do not want to give you advice but my first marriage was all about waiting and waiting. It finally destroyed me and I started to drink alcohol, left my husband because some people have needs – I think if you can wait and you feel good with it then it is ok, but if it hurts you – no need to wait for destruction, just try to explain to him how you feel about it. Love is sacrifice but to live with selfish person it becomes a hell. It depends on you – what type of personality you are. For some people it is ok for others – not. No templates I think, all depends on how you feel. We all want to be not alone because we need each other.
I am in the same place except that we were together for 12 years. He has now moved to another city and signed a 6 month lease on a property. We haven’t seen each other in 4 months. He wants nothing to do with me and said he’s in a bad place.
I am in a long distance relationship. I would like a commitment from my guy. He does nor date anyone else. He text me daily…throughout the day. He says with all that’s going on in the world he doesn’t want to get close to anyone. So I back off. I reply when he texts. Well my short replies him to try even harder. He pursues me. I just wait patiently. His words say one thing but his actions say otherwise. I would back off and let him realize how much he wants you and needs you. If he doesn’t respond that way, let him go. You are valuable! You deserve to be treasured!
Hi James,
I’m unfortunately one of the many women who have been traumatized by a bad marriage. As much as I want a man and spend time learning how to get one, I realize my problem is fundamentally I think they all just want to use and hurt me. How do I get past that?
Hi Brandi. That’s a big question and the answer is more of a process than a single thing you do. But of course, it helps to begin that process with an experienced marriage counselor or trauma counselor (preferably someone with specialization in both).
Typically, the counselor would help you to identify where you are right now and try to separate good caution/insight from triggered fears your mind is subconsciously using to interpret what’s happening. Much of the impact of trauma comes down to misplacing danger from the past onto the present. And learning to move past the trauma is something you do one step at a time in the situation you’re in at this moment.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Hi James I want to tell you thank you for your knowledge and sharing your perspective of what men want! I’m older and I hope wiser now, so I’ve learned to love myself first before loving someone else! It took me many decades to try n live me first, and I’m still learning! Sometimes I think I’m more attractive when I don’t give a sh….! Act like a lady and think like a man! Lol Anyways by reading all your info on relationships, I’ve learned to love me first, and I’ve always put certain boundaries for myself! And never chase a man, after all there the hunters, and us women are the preys! In today’s society relationships seem to be one big head game and nobody seems to want to work at it! I’ve always been in long term relationships, so now I’m learning to focus on my needs, and how to please the right man! I’m so turned off with the way these men think nowadays! As you get older you do get wiser! Thank you James for teaching us women what not to do!
James,
I was introduce by a friends after a marriage ended with two children that ended after finding out he was lying and cheating on me. We tried counseling but he refused to end his other relationship so I ended it. Now I’ve been on and off with my current relationship for 7 years. He asked me to marry him early but I wasn’t ready or able due to divorce pending but we chose to have a child together who is now 2yo. Hia dad died unexpectantly when I was pregnant and became so distant. I learned he was using drugs about a year ago and kicked him out. We have struggled since with so many lies about who his is with, where, and what his was doing. He continues to tell me he loves me but I just cannot trust anything he says. His actions do not match his words. It is all sporadic. Should I just walk away? I really love him but he just isn’t able to communicate with me honestly in any verbal form, only text. Is this relationship repairable or am I holding on to a lost cause and loving a person that no longer exists due to drugs? I really haven’t seen any of your articles touch on substance abuse.
Hi Marsha. I can certainly understand why you would have mixed feelings in a situation like this. You have invested a lot in this man, and yet you find yourself questioning whether or not he can actually hold his side of the bargain if you continue to give him opportunities, chances, and more time.
This is one of those situations where it would be lovely to be able to go into the future to see how each possible decision would turn out. Since you cannot do that, you might find it helpful to use a method others have used when making difficult decisions.
You could write out a story where you take your best guess about how things are likely to turn out if you continue investing in him over the next three years. Then you could write another story indicating how things would likely go for your personal life and love life if you were to cut your losses and open your heart to someone new.
Sometimes, the process of writing things out this way brings clarity and reveals things that were hidden from your mind before you used this writing exercise.
Hi I hope it’s ok for me to say something in response to your letter. Can I just tell you that your not alone and I know what hell it is to watch the man you love hurt himself so much. My ex partner is the father of my two sons and was the love of my life for 15 years. I left 2 years ago and took our boys due to his excessive alcohol abuse and occasional drug use. I would have stayed if he wasn’t so damaged and nasty. In the last 2 years I have been healing and working on me and the boys, getting to a place where I don’t cry all day and I get up and go out and have fun with friends. He has been working on his drug habit and now it’s a permanent fixture. You can either support your man or you support yourself and kids. It’s the hardest thing to do especially when he keeps coming back with grand declarations of love. They are not real because everything he says and does is fuelled by a raging habit, he doesn’t remember half of what he says and it’s destroying him fast. That’s the reality of drugs, they will always take priority over you, over everything. You don’t deserve to be second best in anyone’s life. Do you really want to go on with a man that you can’t trust? Every time he walks out the door you won’t know where he is or when he’s coming back and that life is hell. The fact is he is not even the same man any more, I don’t recognise my ex he’s turned into someone else. He’s 42 and acts like he’s 18. Please, I implore you not to go down this road, it’s the road paved to hell and if your not using then why should you have to walk it. You can’t change him, no one can, it’s up to him now but if he is denying his addiction and making excuses for his behaviour then he believes he doesn’t have a problem so doesn’t need to change. Drugs ruin good men and the people around them. Work on yourself, take a walk, listen to music, get back to nature, make new friends and dress right up even if you’re just going to woollies. All this will boost your confidence and help you move forward. You need to make a solid commitment to put yourself first because if you don’t no one else ever will. The man you love is gone, release him to the universe and rescue you.
Hi James,
I’m really hoping you can help me.
I am currently in a relationship which has lasted 9 years on and off. Within those 9 years my partner split up with me as he decided after 5 years that we weren’t compatible. He said there had to be more to life than what we had. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t feel the same. I was and still am totally in love with him. However, after 2 years of separation we got back together. We had both dated other people during the 2 year split but it hadn’t worked out for either of us.
When we got back together, he said he’s changed a lot and that he missed me. His communication was better and we seemed to get on really well.
Unfortunately 6 months ago, my partner lost his father and although he dealt with it extremely well, I feel he is now in a troubled state. Our relationship has gone right downhill. He doesn’t communicate with me, he doesn’t seem to want to be in my company. We don’t live together and I only see him fri night, sat and sun so I hardly see him anyway.
He’s not affectionate in any way. I know he has a lot on his plate at the moment with work, sorting his fathers things and dealing with his mother but our relationship has practically come to an end a second time. I have been there for him continually and have done everything he has asked for. Having lost a parent, I can share his heartache.
So the final part was when I asked him if he wanted to be with me anymore and he said he didn’t know. He said he has a lot to sort and needs space to decide what he wants. Again, I’ve fulfilled his wishes but I’m not sure our relationship is going to continue.
I love this guy and would do anything for him, I have total unconditional love for him and he knows that because I tell him often.
How can I get the man back that used to be happy and fun to be with?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Caroline
It sounds completely contradictory, but, be a complete cold hearted bitch towards him. Act like you could care less if he left or not. Pretend like you KNOW you’re too good for him. You don’t realize it, but he’s taking advantage of your good nature. How else can you explain why the materialistic, selfish women get their butt kissed constantly? They’re not a prize and they lie to themselves and get results. Tell yourself the truth. You’re a prize. He’ll figure it out when you start ignoring him. Never look upset in front of him..cry in private. Pretend to be one of those who walk around like their crap don’t stink. Trust me.. I’m 40yrs old and have done my fair share of crying for this exact reason.. However, I’m a princess now. ONLY because I played my cards right.. Finally.
“Go ahead and take all the time you need.. I’m feeling a bit suffocated anyway. I liked myself a lot better when I was single”
.. that’s what I said to become a princess. I didn’t even have to be a cold hearted booger. Quit telling him that you love him unconditionally. If he hasn’t already, he’s going to start treating you more like his mother than his lover. Trust me. I’m the princess that was in 2 abusive relationships before my crowning as queen. ???? I had 3 kids with 2 losers… But I’m engaged now .. for the first time! And I did EVERYTHING for the first 2, just like you are. You have him convinced that you’ll never leave. You’re his puppet.. and if you continue to let him pull your strings, he’s going to pull harder. If you cut the strings though, he’ll find the best glue in the world to fix it. (But the people that manage this site aren’t going to tell you the same exact thing without $60 or whatever it costs.)
P.S. I have a Bachelor’s degree in behavioral psychology.
-Gal
I’m kinda seeing this guy and he only really comes around once a week most times and it seeems to go really well when he comes over however during the week he is like really distant. I really like this guy and he’s like husband material great job owns his own place amazing guy and idk is there anyway I can actually get him interested in a relationship or even approach the subject without being too forward or pressuring him?
James,
I just realised I didn’t say how long I was with the man in my prior email. We’ve known eachother 5 years (we met then he deployed with the Army reserves for a year) and we started dating when he returned – we dated for almost 4 years.
Hi James,
I thought I was there in that I had taken time and made a committment to be in the right type of relationship then I met and began dating a man who did all of the right things at for a couple of years. There were red flags I foolishly ignored (multiple failed marriages anda son from his 1st marriage who doesn’t speak to him – but he does have relationships with his 2 daughters so I just figured it was between he and the son). When we got into difficulty a couple of years in, he and I went to counselling and seemed to rebound. We lasted another year and a half after that – went on numerous trips including 2 of his family reunions, 2 of my family reunions and one of his daughter’s college graduation – needless to say we were integrated into each others lives in everyway. Now here i sit 3.5 months ago, he discarded me but wanted to remain friends, which may have happened except I found out he was unfaithful so there’s no way I will be his friend. Anyway I paint that picture so I can ask my questions. How do I work to get back to a place of trust so I can prepare for the one who I truly deserve and who truly deserves me? Was i wrong not to ignore the red flags? Should I have run away when I found out about the multiple marriages? I ask this so I may be able to better screen out future disappointers?
Yes, yes and absolutely YES! I am 60 and a Widow now for 2 years after a very long marriage. I allowed myself the time to grieve and heal and it was really a very difficult time to endure. I realised 3 months ago that I was ready to love again. I was very specific about what I wanted in a new man and made a commitment to myself that when he turns up, not only will I know, he will as well. Not that he will be perfect, as “Mr. Perfect” does not exist. But that we would be perfect for each other … and both have that sense of just knowing.
Well, I am very pleased that he has indeed materialised in my life. We not only tick each and every box of the other, but a whole bunch of additional boxes that were not of high priority, but would be nice to have.
I would like to thank you personally, James, for all your wonderful advice and guidance. You are a treasure. Thank you so much!
Ladies, be positive, love yourself and your own life, be very sure of who you are and exactly what you want in your life. Never settle for any of those creeps out there who do not deserve you! When “The One” arrives, be ready to commit yourself to creating a life of bliss! God bless!
Awesome article, it all makes perfect sense! Would love to get my hands on the worksheet for building a positive vision and a guideline for creating a ‘mission statement,’ so to speak. Is that something provided on the Be Irresistable site?
Not right now, Kerin. But that’s a good idea.
What is the timeframe for the early statges of the relationship. ie at what timescale or what indicators are there that you invest more in the actual person rather than the vision of the relationship? Thanks, Sarah
That’s a good question, Sarah. The change is a gradual one. You will never completely ignore one side or the other.
And in fact, investing in your vision for the relationship should include the idea of investing in a person.
That’s because any good relationship involves a conscious choice to invest in another person. But that choice really has to do with commitment. When you realize it’s time for commitment, you’ll know it’s also time to invest more in the person you love and admire.
And hopefully, he’ll feel the desire to do that as well. That’s the magic of a great relationship with the power to enhance both of your lives.
hi james
I keep reading your posts, newsletters etc etc
I have so much to ask you.
I am currently talking to a guy from USA and hes been a really nice guy to me. i really like him and so does he but we both are scared to fall in love again .
as he is divorced and was cheated by his ex wife. and now hes extremely scared to love again…although he says that i want to love you but i dont want to get hurt again…
where as im afraid because i was dating a man for 3 years who was divorced and had a kid but never took a step to marry me. And finally left because he couldn’t handle the long term distance relationship as i live in Pakistan.
i do not want the past to repeat so i am very scared.
although im finding ways to meet this guy in USA. lets see if things work out.
what do u suggest?
regards
maliana.
Hi Maliana. If you want a true, lasting romantic relationship rather than just a solid friendship, you must have a plan to eventually live in the same area. If you really felt deeply in love with each other you would refuse to have it any other way. So if I was in your situation I would look for love in Pakistan or make the jump to relocate. Even being open to this idea (moving) gives your current relationship a better chance, but don’t leave your life behind for a guy you only just started dating long distance.
Hi James !
I would really like some piece of advice with this question…
So there’s a guy I ‘ve known for a few months and we see each other usually once a week at our violin class. A couple of weeks ago, I had a talk with my teacher about my studies and my other hobbys, my interests and so on, and he was there too. About two weeks later, he called my teacher after the class to ask him for my phone number because he wanted to invite me to a concert. My teacher couldn’t give it to him and the guy asked me if he could have it, so I gave him my number, which he checked twice and called rightway to make sure I had his number as well. He told me that he would really enjoy going to another concert and the week after he called me to ask if I wanted to go and also meet his friends. I went to the concert, he introduced me to his friends and we really had a great time together. He kept asking me questions about me, my family and what I studied, etc. Even when I didn’t know what else to say, he reinitiated the conversation. He teased me, was kind of touchy, we spent some time apart from his friends and he mentionned that he definitely wanted to do that again. He sort of took me in his arms when he had to leave. However, I’m wondering if he is interested or if he just wants to be friends. Any clue ? I would really need some help, I am kind of confused…was he just being polite and friendly, or does he want more ?
Thanks a lot!
Hi Melissa. It definitely sounds like he is interested in something more. But don’t rush. Enjoy the relationship at each stage as it unfolds. Sometimes the mystery can be fun.