Until recently, Jenna believed she could achieve anything she set her mind to.
It worked in her career, after all.
She set big goals. She accomplished them.
But it wasn’t working in her personal life.
All she wanted, she told me, was to find her future husband. It couldn’t be that hard. People found the love of their life every day, right?
“But I’ve been at this a while,” she said. “I get excited, and it doesn’t work out. I think it’s going somewhere, and it doesn’t work out. I think the universe is telling me I’m meant to be alone forever, because I can’t take this anymore.”
It’s heartbreaking to want something so much, only to get your hopes dashed again and again.
Like Jenna, maybe you’ve invested your heart and soul into relationships that didn’t work out.
With each disappointment, you felt more and more discouraged.
You started to wonder if it was you.
Maybe you’re unlucky. Maybe you’re broken. Maybe the universe is telling you something.
Would you believe me if I told you that you’ve already made incredible progress?
Maybe you haven’t yet reached your goal of marrying the love of your life, but you’ve learned and grown and gained so much experience.
If you switch your focus from finding love to getting better at love, you’ll find yourself making better choices, feeling better about yourself, and feeling even more optimistic about living happily-ever-after.
How We Think Love Should Work
Finding that one person in this great big world who gets you, adores you beyond belief, and wants what you want is… well, it’s pretty daunting!
If you believe the movies, you’re supposed to bump into each other one day by chance, setting you squarely on the path to happily ever after.
But nobody tells you that you’ll stumble on your dream career by chance.
Nobody tells you that you’ll become the best in the world by chance.
In every other area of life, we know the importance of setting goals.
You achieve the impossible by breaking down your dream into small, achievable goals.
The same is true for love…
Make Your Dream Come True
It would be wonderful if all we had to do was wish upon a star.
But in the real world, dreams take work.
We need to build up our skills, practice, and gain valuable experience.
That’s what you’re doing right now in your love life.
It’s okay if you haven’t met the one yet. Finding the love of your life is a big hairy audacious goal. It provides the fuel to motivate you, but it shouldn’t be the yardstick by which you measure your progress.
Instead, focus on goals you know you can achieve.
Here are three suggestions…
Love Goal #1:
Learn something from every experience.
When I ask women what they’ve learned from their dating experiences, they often shrug and say, “That men are jerks?”
No one makes it through the wild west of modern dating without a few bumps and bruises.
But focusing on the injury prevents you from using those experiences to make yourself stronger.
Go through your past experiences and ask yourself:
- “Were there any patterns I missed?”
- “What do my choices tell me about what I’m afraid of and what I yearn for?”
- “Were there any times I wasn’t fully honest? If so, why?”
- “Were there any times I abandoned myself? If so, why?”
- “What can I do differently now as a result of those experiences?”
Nothing in your past was a failure. It was an education that left you smarter in love.
Love Goal #2:
Aim for something healthy.
If your goal is to find the love of your life, you want a relationship that sparkles.
You want moonlight and fireworks. You want excitement and passion.
So you pass over the quiet guys, the kind guys, the guys who don’t push.
But what if your goal is to experience what a healthy relationship feels like?
Then you’ll pass on the drama and lovebombing.
You’ll wait for something real and authentic to bloom.
Healthy relationships can be an acquired taste.
They can start off hesitantly. There may be moments of awkwardness.
You’ll have to communicate more and assume less.
But if you get through that initial awkward phase, you might just find yourself in the first truly safe relationship you’ve ever known.
Love Goal #3:
Play.
When you’ve got a serious goal like finding the love of your life, the pressure is on.
There’s no time to waste. You’ve got to sort through all your possible prospects and weed out anyone who doesn’t want what you want.
That pressure cuts off attraction at its source.
Attraction flourishes when the stress and the stakes are low.
You don’t need to make something happen.
You’re content to hang out and see if something happens.
You trust yourself to handle anything. You know that every experience can teach you something, and you’re not going to stay in an unhealthy situation.
That confidence frees you up to be playful and take risks.
You don’t have to make him like you. All you want to know is whether he can play with you.
So you tease and banter and flirt and joke.
You let down your guard and invite him to let down his.
And if magic happens? It won’t be by chance.
You created that space for magic to happen.
Your hard work made your dream come true.
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