A philosopher by the name of Alan Watts once said, “If you put your hand on the knee of a beautiful woman and leave it there, she’ll cease to notice it. But if you gently pat her on the knee, she’ll know you’re still there. This is because you come and go. Now you see me, now you don’t.”
There’s truth in that. Many women have confided in me about their true desires for a romantic relationship. Very often their description includes something along these lines: “I want us to be together all the time, like two halves of an inseparable whole.”
It doesn’t work out very well for the very reason alluded to by Alan Watts. Any constant stimulus is subject to the brain’s capacity for adaptation. Let me explain what I mean by that.
Have you ever stared at a fluorescent green object for ten seconds and then looked at a white wall? If you have, you know what I’m going to say next. Magically, a fluorescent pink silhouette appears in your vision as you stare at the blank wall.
Why does this happen? This is because of habituation. Your eye begins to adapt to the bright colors of the fluorescent green, causing you to perceive the opposite color when the fluorescent green object is suddenly removed from your persistent gaze.
It’s the same thing that happens when someone gets rich. For a short period of time, they bask in the wealth, enjoying the sudden opulence and many benefits in brings. However, after a short period of time, the feeling of happiness fades because being wealthy becomes normal.
Surprisingly, the same thing happens after we face most types of hardship. Research studies have consistently shown that we tend to adapt to changes in our environment, essentially by getting used to them. It happens on the microscopic level in the retina of your eye when you stare at a bright object. It also happens on a more global level when you experience a sudden change in your life for the better or the worse.
We adapt to the things that remain consistent in our lives, even if we did not mean to. What does this mean for your relationships? Does it mean you should come and go, disappearing and reappearing in your man’s life? Not exactly.
Here’s what I think. Men enjoy women who have other things going on in their lives. It’s actually more pleasurable to be required to pursue someone just a little bit in order to enjoy their company. Let me give you an example to illustrate this point.
Jeffrey comes home every night to find Jill sitting on the couch, anticipating a discussion of each other’s day before they turn to their routine of watching television together for several hours. It’s the same thing every night. They both love each other very much, but this constant routine has dulled the excitement of the relationship.
Contrast this with the lives of Peter and Jenna. They are both active socially with their respective groups of friends, and they also enjoy spending time with mutual friends as a couple. They both have hobbies they pursue independently, and a few hobbies they enjoy together. When Peter wants to go on a date with Jenna, he cannot assume she will be available. He has to ask, “Jenna, are you available Friday night if we wanted to go catch that new movie?” Jenna’s response is, “I have rehearsals that night, but I’d really like to do something fun with you this weekend. Could we do it Saturday night?
Jenna doesn’t come and go from Peter’s life. She is consistently loving, and she puts him at the highest priority when it comes to her commitments and relationships. However, she is not a hand resting on his knee. She finds the balance between spending time with Peter and pursuing other avenues for enjoying life.
We are all different. Some of us men are more introverted and really do prefer larger amounts of time with the one person we have a deep and intimate relationship with. Some men don’t have that many friends or hobbies. Yet the principle remains the same. You just have to adjust it to the individual personality of the man you are dating. You still come and go, but the “going” part is less frequent for a man who feels happiest staying at home with his best friend (you).
There’s another reason I recommend you come and go. It has to do with you rather than your relationship with him. You will be a more vibrant human being when your relationship needs are met through varied channels. I believe there is truth in the adage, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
When you diversify the way you spend your time and energy, you grow in a more balanced way as a human being. It’s kind of like the advice given to authors who are told they should read widely from a variety of genres rather than sticking with only the type of literature they read and research themselves. There’s a sort of cross pollination that just happens to be healthy for both, you and your relationship when you spread out your social energy.
These blog articles are meant to be helpful for you, stimulating your thinking in ways that improve your world of relationships. To that end, allow me to leave you with a question. How is your balance? Do you have a good balance between romantic pursuits and nonromantic pursuits with your time and energy?
My boyfriend of the last year has stopped talking to me on Sunday. I saw a letter from his ex that he found. I could see “I love you” thru the page. He read it and put it in the pile instead of pitching it. I walked away and went to bed. He came later and asked why I ran away. Eventually I said that I saw your letter and admitted that I was jealous of his past life and his ex. I think they still communicate, and not just about the dog. He hasn’t spoken to me since, and it’s Wednesday. He doesn’t like me to text a lot so I’ve been calling, like he wants, but he hasn’t answered. I am very much in love, but this is getting tiresome and I can’t get anything done when we aren’t communicating. I get very depressed. He just told me again that we are meant to be together but then this happens. I don’t know what to do.
Mr. Bauer,
I have had so many questions over the years. Little by little, they answer themselves. My husband and I have been married for 22.5 years minus a small hiccup that changed the trajectory of our relationship for the better. However, tonight I need help with an ongoing situation in our marriage. My husband has always been the majority communicator. He has always been better than me when it comes to keeping in touch with each other. Unfortunately, every time he has a work function that includes drinking, he forgets how to use his phone. I don’t want to say it is on purpose, but it’s highly convenient on his part! I’m not asking for a conversation even… just a text from the bathroom saying hi would be satisfactory. Just proving he’s alive and still has his head on correctly. Sadly, it happened today again. It was my only day off and I blew it waiting on him instead of doing the things I wanted to do. When he finally calls me, it’s because he’s on his way to the house. I try not to bubble over in dramatics and hatred, but I’m getting less and less patient with each event. Especially since we go through this argument every single time!! Am I expecting too much? Are we passed the point of getting angry about such things? I know for a fact if he doesn’t hear from me within an hour or two (drinking or not) he gets panicked. That is in any scenaro including myself at work! What can we do to make this a non-issue? Or what can I say to him so he’ll understand my intensity on the issue? I can’t keep doing this with him.
We’d been dating every other weekend for 6 1/2 months and never had a fight until I took him to a party and he spent a very long time talking to an attractive single woman and exchanged phone numbers. He told me she was involved in alot of cool charities and events that we would also be interested in and she was putting his name on her list of people to invite. I said, “Picking up chicks when you’re on a date with me.” sort of jokingly. He exploded and said he was just a friendly guy and if I was going to be jealous, maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Then he said he was taking me home (we had been on our way to dinner). After a few minutes he apologized and continued to apologize. I wanted to talk and understand why he was so angry but he said no, we needed to cool off but that we would sit down and talk through this. It was two weeks before Christmas and I never heard from him again. I’ve made no attempt to contact him either. It’s been over a month and I don’t know what to do. I’m really hurt that he could just dump me like I was nothing.
I’m sorry to hear that, Dee.
Some people feel nervous about reaching out again after this kind of painful experience. But would you be open to contacting him to ask what all of that meant to him and how he is doing now?
Maybe he’s not the right person for you if he is not interested in allowing his partner to express feelings of jealousy or insecurity, but it is also possible that he thinks about you every day. We just don’t know until you reach out to ask. But only do so after reminding yourself that you will only take him back if it feels right in all respects.
Thanks for your reply. I’ve recently heard from mutual friends that he stalks me on Facebook and hasn’t moved on to another woman so maybe he is thinking about me. But wouldn’t the onus be on him to call me since he is the one who said we would talk? I should also let you know that we are both older and with grown children. Thanks so much.
What to do if he isn’t responding in any way. We have known each other for about two years and until recently, i saw him often. If he didn’t come over, we talked on the phone. I felt that we had a good relationship. At the very least, I felt we had a close friendship. However, a few months ago, he began traveling in his work and we saw less of each other and didn’t talk on the phone much because he was so busy. In the past month, he hasnt called or texted at all. I have texted twice (briefly) and called once and left a casual message which he hasnt responded to. I’m extremely confused because I felt we had a close relationship and I wasn’t looking for a commitment, just a continuation of what seemed so enjoyable. And as far as I know, nothing has happened in the relationship that would cause this behavior. Also, early in the relationship we made a pact that if either decided to date someone else, we would tell the other. So I dont think that is the reason. It’s extremely frustrating and I don’t know where to go from here.