Have you ever felt that online dating is stacked against you…
Unless you’re incredibly photogenic, in your twenties, and live in a metropolitan area packed with singles?
Most men won’t even see your profile because of their filters.
That’s because online dating algorithms prioritize just three qualities:
Depressing, isn’t it?
But here’s the crazy thing…
Men think dating is stacked against them, too.
Men greatly outnumber women on dating apps. They send more messages. They spend more time searching.
But their efforts often get them nowhere. Why?
Many men believe it’s because women don’t want men like them. If he’s short, if he doesn’t have big biceps, if he’s working at a run-of-the-mill job, then women will overlook him—or so he believes.
To make matters worse, a study found that lonely people tend to spend more time searching for love online…
Only to have negative experiences, which makes them feel even lonelier.
A lot of people feel like dating is a game they can’t win.
When you feel like dating is rigged against you, you’re less motivated to put yourself out there. You tend to be more skeptical of the connections you do make, sabotaging your chances of finding love.
I can’t change the algorithms, but what I can do is give you 3 mindset shifts that will help you take back control.
You can date how you want, when you want, and who you want.
Here are 3 tips to help you do it.
Tip #1. Throw out the rulebook.
No wonder so many people feel powerless in dating.
There are all these “dating rules” they’re supposed to follow—except that no one agrees on what those rules are.
It’s like playing a game where everyone is following a different set of rules and you can’t predict how the other players will react. It can drive you crazy!
But dating isn’t the kind of game where you follow the rules to win.
It’s the kind of game you instinctively knew how to play when you were a kid.
Think back to your childhood. If you were at a park or a party with a group of other kids you didn’t know, could you find a way to play and have fun with them?
Those are the skills you need in love.
All you’re being asked to do is have fun with someone you haven’t met before. You don’t have to “win” the game. You just have to play.
Tip #2. Find your tribe.
Such high stakes are riding on the man you choose to spend your life with.
Pick the wrong man, and you’ll waste years of your life with someone who doesn’t make you happy.
But how do you spot Mr. Right in a sea of Mr. Wrongs?
You don’t look for the guys who look like a “catch” on paper.
You look for the guys who match your vibe.
When you’re sifting through the mountain of singles online, the guys that catch your eye seem to have it all. They’re attractive. They’re successful. They’re articulate.
But they may not have what it takes to be your man for a lifetime.
Successful, attractive people don’t have better marriages than anyone else. (In fact, some evidence suggests that highly attractive people have worse love lives.)
So shift your focus.
Look for guys who seem to get you. Look for guys you don’t have to perform for. Look for guys who make you feel like you belong.
Look for guys who make it easy.
Tip #3. It’s a quest, not a contest.
Dating is often framed like a contest, where singles parade themselves on the “stage” of online dating in the hopes of getting picked.
But that’s not what real love is about.
Real love is not about getting chosen out of a sea of contenders.
It’s about meeting people and having fun. One day, love surprises you.
It’s a process. Focus on enjoying the process, and success will eventually find you.
It’s sort of like the point made by an Olympic athlete in a self-help book I read recently. He said many gold medalists focus on the process of improving instead of focusing on winning.
These athletes expect to eventually win a gold medal, but they are often surprised when they win a gold medal much sooner than they had expected.
What happened? They set a big goal, but then saw each competition as practice.
Oddly enough, that way of approaching big goals often makes the journey to achieving them far less stressful.