It’s no secret. Confidence helps in the world of dating and romance.
If you feel confident about how you look, you will be more playful, relaxed, and attractive. If you feel confident about your value as a human being, you will bring warmth and genuine presence to your interactions with men.
What if you have low self-confidence about your appearance or your personal value? Does it help to repeat affirmations like, “I am radiant and beautiful?”
The short answer is no. That’s the conclusion of a research study where the typical version of affirmations was put to the test.
If you do not already feel beautiful, saying you do just brings your focus to something that decreases your confidence.
But here’s the good news.
I
f you use affirmations to focus your mind on things you actually believe to be true, your confidence will go up!
If you affirm things you already like about yourself, you can bolster your confidence. Affirmations are an easy way to focus on things that make you feel more confident.
It all comes down to where your focus goes. Your conscious attention is like a flashlight shining into a dark room cluttered with lots of stuff.
The beam of the flashlight can only light up a few things at a time. By choosing which things to focus on (using affirmations to focus the beam) you can change your emotional state.
For example, if you don’t feel beautiful compared to other women, saying you beautiful makes you feel like a liar trying to pretend to be something you don’t really believe you are.
But if you are funny and you know it, an affirmation like, “Anyone can enjoy my company because I will make them laugh,” is a good affirmation.
Reminding yourself of your qualities just before you walk into a social environment can reconnect your thoughts with your positive qualities, thereby generating more confidence and a feeling of self-worth that will help you attract the right guys and say no to the wrong ones.
James Bauer
Lynn I have really loved that courage, I will employ it as well. This page is really amazing the little time I have spent reading all the posts has taught me a lot.
Confidence is important aspect in my past relationship he was my consultant he used to say you need to be more confident I’m going to coach you in fact I’m already confident I used to say that is the maximum thing where you want me to reach so he was telling me we need to work in the interior not the exterior which he means he wants to invest some time and effort on me to learn more which was I took it as compliment being in relationship with someone who is your mentor at work can be complicated
Thank you James for your advises! It has helped me alot. Iam a widow 5 years ago and still have not find a nice guy who would want to share their love with me.
Few that I have met through work, are married men, and just want friendship because we happened to share our interests at work.
My problem is finding that right person.
Rose.
Good Day to you. I never had a boyfriend since birth and it makes me feel like i’m left out, there are guys who courts me but i just dont find myself liking them back. Then i gave online dating a shot. i meet this really great guy and i found myself liking him a lot, we chatted, txt and video calls then after 2 weeks of communications we decided to meet up in a city far from our current residences. We both traveled half of the country to show that we are both sincere with the progress of our relationship. Then, the day has come and we shared great times together meeting some of his friends and we traveled back to our homes with a promise that we will see each other more often. Then after a day we are back, his text and calls lessen until he went Missing in Action (MIA) and i never heard of him. I dont know what happened and i feel so broken and hurt and in so much pain. What did i do wrong? please tell me…
Oh, Fiona, I am very sad to hear this. I know you must be hurting right now. You might find this article I wrote helpful. It’s about the pain of letting go.
James
Thank you James, your right i’ve been isolating myself. I wanted to give time to grieve and wallow in my pain, but i know it’s not healthy. i keep on thinking about him and all the what ifs. What if i was prettier or should i be funnier? should i be more aggressive and change my conservative ways for him to like me? Its all getting in my head and i know he doesn’t even give a damn about me, he might not even remember me. Its painful
Thank you for this. I really struggle to find anything I like about myself but this makes a lot of sense. I am, however, struggling to work out what to do about my current situation. I really like this guy, and he’s actually perfect for me, but he has no romantic interest in me. This is pushing my already low confidence to its limit. But should I just give up on him – is it possible for someone to grow to like you? We get on well, but for him there’s no spark. He doesn’t know me as well as I know him though and despite having very little confidence in general the one thing I know is how good we would be together. So what can I do? I’m going crazy from internal turmoil – he doesn’t know that of course though he knows I fancy him. We are both absolutely single. Determined that I will conquer myself in 2016…but I’d like to do it with this chap. Thank you.
It’s a difficult situation to be in. Fortunately, romantic feelings do sometimes occur spontaneously after a man and a woman initially felt no spark.
The key is spending time together. Watch for opportunities to do that. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Spend time getting to know other men and moving on with your dating life. Just keep this particular man involved in your life as well (as a friend for now, possibly more later).
Thanks so much, I shall continue to do as I am then, I really believe he is worth it and at the moment there’s no one else on the scene. Let’s hope he starts to feel the same way about me as I do for him. A merry Christmas to you and thank you again.
Good Day to you. I never had a boyfriend since birth and it makes me feel like i’m left out, there are guys who courts me but i just dont find myself liking them back. Then i gave online dating a shot. i meet this really great guy and i found myself liking him a lot, we chatted, txt and video calls then after 2 weeks of communications we decided to meet up in a city far from our current residences. We both traveled half of the country to show that we are both sincere with the progress of our relationship. Then, the day has come and we shared great times together meeting some of his friends and we traveled back to our homes with a promise that we will see each other more often. Then after a day we are back, his text and calls lessen until he went Missing in Action (MIA) and i never heard of him. I dont know what happened and i feel so broken and hurt and in so much pain. What did i do wrong? please tell me…
Finding the right person takes time. I think you’ll find this article I wrote helpful. It’s about this very topic that you’re asking about. It’s called The Pain of Letting Go, but it’s really about adopting the kind of mindset that allows you to accept the process that everyone has to go through in order to find that special person who you love and who also loves you back. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through right now. I hope this article gives you a boost of emotional strength and hope for the future.
don’t stress my love it is only destant by god/ all will work out.
Thank you 🙂
I have been widowed 3 years/ 54 years old/ been out with a guy I work with a couple of times/ he is married and only sees me when he can . I don’t know where this relationship is taking me. I feel so lonely therefore I seek friendship/ but I think I am being taken advantage of, please advise.
Maybe there’s more to the situation then you have described here, but going out alone with a married man is not a good idea. Short-term fixes for loneliness will only increase your loneliness.
I recommend you take a longer term perspective. Make a list of five things you could do this week to increase opportunities to meet and connect with both men and women. Your list won’t be perfect. Take action anyway. It’s amazing how life responds to those who take committed action and persist over time.
James
+am a 65 yr old widow (abt. 5 and 1/2 yrs) Had been dating (he said Friends) for abt. a yr. and told me early on that he was still talking to ex as a friend too. We wd. do things together, I cooked for him abt. twice a week and brought it to his place of employment where we wd. also talk and chill a bit. He told me he was telling his ex how amazing I am. (Why?) abt. a month ago he tells me that his ex and his best friend (a guy from grade school who is messed up) talked to him abt. think why he shd. not see me anymore and go back to her. I know she is needy, jealous and controlling. Just before the “talk” his male friend comes in and asks me if he had done anything with me and I said no, and now I figured out that he went back to the ex and told her so that she cd. have more ammunition against me so he wd. take her back. He flat out told me he loved me and when I gave him a card and it said how I felt about him he told me he felt the same way. He also knew that we were both christians and that was very important to both of us. After the breakup, he called me the first two weeks to see how I was feeling ( had not been too well) and then he stopped calling, prob. because she is controlling and demanded he not do it. think he is messed up with fear of me maybe and athey probably told him that I was too old for him and scared him. also know he is gullible,frightened, vulnerable from traumas in his childhood. We were out with one of his doctor friends and in five minutes the doctor turned to him and said that I was such an amazing person, had it all together, etc. and he was impressed. I am trying to stay away for awhile thinking that I did too much and was around too much. I really love him and wonder what else to do.
Hi, there’s a guy i love so much, at first, i didn’t love him back then in 2012 when we first met, since then he have tried to win my heart but i played hard to get, it’s just last month i agreed to be his, i made l**e to him on friday for the first time with him, now i love him so much that, i’m afraid the love i have for him will chase him away…meanwhile i’m grateful to these your emails you sending me, i’ll adhere to all the advice, i want to tell him i love him, should i go ahead, is it okay for me to?
Shirley,
If you just had great sex, you are feeling an oxytocin bond with him. Oxytocin is a biochemical hormone that bonds women to men after being physical. It occurs with bonding to babies. So it’s a really good reason to wait to become physical with a man until you know more about his character and how he feels about you.
Your feelings for him could still be real, and he’s probably a good guy if he’s hung around for several years. Try relaxing and enjoying this new stage of the relationship without making it more intense just yet. Also, he might feel more secure if you wait a bit so he knows your expression of love is not just about sex–that you do love all of him.
But if he tells you he loves you, of course respond in kind. Stop playing games. 🙂
Debra Holland, Ph.D
I have mixed emotions about this article. Not sure I agree with it as I feel as women we all need to see our own beauty and radiance regardless of how we compare to other women! I have struggled personally with self confidence in the past about my physical appearance and weight. I have found that the majority of men really don’t care about a womans weight if she is confident in herself enough to feel sexy the way she is! Even a skinny Minnie can not be attractive with the wrobg attitude and lack of self worth and sexiness! I weigh over 200 lbs and still have men knocking down my door because I have finally chosen to see my inner and outer beauty and embrace all that I am and my sexiness! Granted I would much prefer to be thinner and still working on that but the weight doesnt come off until you see yourself as beautiful no matter what! I personally tell myself daily now I’m beautiful sexy and worth love and find it very rewarding and my proof is in the pudding!!!
That’s great, Melissa, and you have found the perfect way to apply affirmations that build your sense of confidence. If you can affirm things you believe in (like the fact that you ARE sexy because of your choice to embrace that about yourself) then affirmations will work great.
Thank you James. I will try what you suggest.
Mary, I hesitate to send this response, as I know it may offend some people. I agree with you that losing the sexual side of a loving relationship is hard to bear. I am 68 and was “re-awakened” sexually by a lover, after my (almost sexless) marriage to my husband of almost 40 years ended eight years ago. He was never a good lover, even when we did have sex (however, we do have three children!) What I am about to say is not easy for everyone to take on board, and may not be what you will want, or indeed you may already be aware of its existence – but I have discovered through internet dating, that there are many, many men out there who just want a sexual relationship – and many women who feel the same way. For the record, I am not one of them, as I could not imagine having sex with someone I did not fancy and was not committed to. It seems that these day, morals and standards are much lower (or maybe they always were and I was not aware of it – being very, very naive until recently!). Anyway, there are dating sites dedicated to these “hook-ups” and even the “normal” ones have the facility to click onto a hook-up section. I just thought I would share that with you, and anyone else who has not come across it – for the record and as food for thought, and also as a warning in case you have not come across it before now and it may take you off guard. I hope you can find someone loving and kind to share your life with, before too long. Lorna x
PS – This may sound flippant, and it is not meant to, as I have found it of great comfort when I was at my worst – but just cuddling a nice soft, squidgy teddy-bear can help – especially if he looks like your lost lover. My friend who lost her husband in a car accident used to cuddle his shirt, which still smelt of him. One other source of comfort is to get a pet. A little dog, who will shower you with love is a great comfort. I should have also said that I am estranged from two of my daughters, so I know how much that hurts, and it is not uncommon. I have heard lots of women say this about their daughters. Perhaps you could work on making things better with them. And get out – join some clubs – make new friends, and get out of the house and enjoy yourself – it really does help!! Love and hugs. Lorna x
Just wanted you to know I am really enjoying your website and all the good advice on it. I am a 60 year old woman who recently had a breakup of a 8.5 year relationship. Divorced 16 years ago from a 20 year marriage. And last year my ex (father of my children) passed away. We had still maintained somewhat of a friendship and I still love his family. This breakup has taken about 5 months to complete but it is truly finally over. For some reason I am probably as devastated by it as I was my marriage. I don’t have any friends except work buddies all of them men as I have a male oriented job. (electrician) I also have a somewhat strained relationship with my children. So I feel very alone right now. I know I have to readjust my life and I am trying very hard to do that. I am getting my house in order and as soon as that is complete I plan on finding outside interests to occupy my time. What is seriously hard for me is the loss of my friend and very good lover who was the man in this recent breakup. I had rediscovered my sexuality with this man and am truly at a loss right now. How can one learn to cope without that physical contact that even someone of my age needs?. I truly believe we are sexual beings until we die. Answers to that question might help a lot of us out here.
Mary, one of the things scientific research has revealed about human sexuality is that it does not diminish for the elderly as long as a willing partner is available. That is a surprise to a lot of young therapists and coaches who have biases that are formed by the media and society. You are right that that kind of intimacy meets a certain kind of deep need while creating a special kind of closeness. However, focusing on what is missing does not help one to cope with the pain of not having it. Turning your attention outward and embracing the many possibilities in the present and near future will help you to cope.
thanks do make sense to be apreciated not necessary to draw attention on me,just be myself and aceppted without to put a front not being me to please anyone to side with me or keep me company,admit im potentially crazy,mixed up ,hard to please person,too shallow not to laugh hard on my own blunders than enjoy laughing at others flaws and misiries,from evette
Nice! I never heard this, but make sense for me. Thank you, I like your articles:)
I have lots of confidence in myself and love me and put makeup and I know that I am beautiful. I”m just not secure with being around some people right now in the seen of dating again scares me Because trust isn’t there. I know I am beautiful and i love taking lots of selfies, too
I am very intelligent but that scares aot if men.
Yeah. I know what you mean, but it won’t scare them if you know how to tap into their need for feeling respected. I have created a course on how to communicate with men that relieves them of the constant (mostly unconscious) fear of being disrespected. It can help in situations where a partner has a higher IQ or other quality that outshines his.
thank you for reminding us that we also posses other qualities which will make us more special even tough we don’t look that beautiful…
God be with you!
I am not intimidated by any woman on how she looks compared to me. I am 53 years old and I am not intimidated by a 20 year old or anybody that is attractive because I have looks like Elizabeth Taylor. As far a funny, I’m not overly funny, but I do have a sense of humor.
Thank you for your advice about sincere personal affirmations. I am NOT confident in my looks or body even though I am 5 feet and 100 lbs. I am always being told I am funny, so I will use that as my affirmation! I just never thought about it this way before.