A Useful Way to Know When to End a Relationship
One of the most useful concepts for making personal and business decisions is “Zero-sum thinking.”
What is it?
Zero-sum thinking is a method of clearing the mind of the effects of what is called a “sunken investment.” It’s a well-known fact that humans are susceptible to over-valuing things that they have already invested in.
For example, if you have invested a lot of time and energy in a relationship, there is a tendency to avoid giving up on that relationship because you feel like you have invested so much. You don’t want to lose your investment.
That logic makes sense on the surface, but not if you look a little more closely. The things you have invested are in the past. You cannot get them back. So your decision should be all about the present and the future.
Zero-sum thinking means you ask yourself this question:
“If I was not already in the relationship I am in now, would I choose to start this relationship given what I now know?”
This question clears the cobwebs of a sunken investment from our mind. It allows us to clearly think about what’s going to happen next. It allows us to stop making the mistake of thinking that our investments of time and energy in the past should be a factor that determines whether something is a good bet at this point in time.
Suzy Orman is an investment adviser who first revealed this concept to me. She was talking about the many people who own stock that depreciated in value during recent downturns in the economy. She talked about how many of her clients hold on to a stock because they don’t want to lose the money they have invested in that stock. They hope the stock will regain its value in the future and they can avoid the “sunken investment” loss.
Here’s what Suzy has to say about that. If you would not buy that stock today, swallow the loss and sell it today.
Nobody cares how much money you lost by owning a certain stock. The only thing that matters is whether that stock is a good place to invest your money at the present time. If you would not buy more of the stock right now (at the current price you could sell it for), that means you do not believe it is a good investment for the future. If it is not a good investment for the future, you should sell it now even if you take a loss in doing so. That is zero-sum thinking.
And now back to knowing when to end a relationship.
If you are with a guy who has some good and bad qualities, who treats you well only some of the time, zero-sum thinking may be in order. Ask yourself this question, “Knowing what I now know, would I pursue a relationship with this man if I was single and starting over?”
I hope this concept will be as useful to you as it has been for me. It’s a way of reducing the complexity of decisions while focusing your mind on what’s coming next. Our decisions are always based on our best guess about what will happen in the future. You will make better predictions about the future if you clear your mind of the tendency to put too much emphasis on “sunken investments” from the past.
And if you are looking to learn more about making great decisions, I’ve developed a training course on mastering your own intuition to make the right relationship choices, check it out here.
Have a great day!
James Bauer
I read this article because I’m seriously thinking about whether I want to leave my boyfriend…
I am 27 years old and he is 30. In the beginning everything was like in a fairy tale.
He was always there for me… The problem is, we live in different countries and can’t always see each other. We both knew it would be difficult, but we wanted to try anyway… Well, we’ve only been together for six months now, and he’s completely withdrawn and pushes me away… He has bought a house and since our first holiday together, he doesn’t write to me and feels obligated to call or write me… He ghosted me and ignored my messages several times. I used all these “Hero Instinct” tips, sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn’t.
The last time I asked him about it and said that I need my boyfriend and don’t feel like being ignored anymore, he just said that he missed the feeling of being single. But that he wants to keep me too and that he cannot afford it to lose me. He says he has little time for me because of the house and renovation etc. But that is a lie… Why else can he be constantly online on Facebook but not write me a word and ghost me? I don’t know if he’s unfaithful to me, but it would be easy to cheat because I’m not there. In addition, what he says and how he acts doesn’t match at all…. Besides I feel every day somehow more and more ugly, since he also criticized me often because of my appearance (that my ass would be too big and no, I’m not fat!) I know I’m not ugly because I often get compliments from other men…, but I feel ugly because of my boyfriend’s criticism…
I realize that he doesn’t know what he wants, but I don’t want to be just the girl for “fun”. I have no nerve for such games any more…, what should I do? I still love him… and it makes me very anxious about my next steps…
Alie, we created a special mini-report for situations like this. It’s all about dealing with a situation where your guy is treating you like a backup girl. You can access it here for free if you are a member of our Irresistible Insiders group.
This came at the right time, thank you for the lesson lt will help me to make an informed decision.
Even though you love him, it’s time to move on. Not to be too harsh, but it sounds like the distance has done its damage, and he has moved on…so should you. Of course, it’s going to be hard at first. Sad, tears, sleepless nights. Like any break-up. But you just have to get through that period. You’re only 27 and if you keep wasting time on a guy who lives in another country, you’ll miss all the potential relationships you have right where you are. Don’t wake up at 35 years old and realize how you’ve wasted your time on the wrong person.
Hi James,
My boyfriend recently broke it off with me after 2+ years. I have been very devastated as I have really loved him. I still do very much. Though he says he never wants to remarry again and that’s ok. I’ve invested a lot with him and would go see him every chance I could. We lived two hours away from each other. He came to my place once! I’ve done all the other trips. I even saved his life last year because he was very sick and probably would have died that night if I hadn’t done something. But yet he says he has feelings for someone 24 years younger than him and who happens to be his neighbor. He’s almost 58 years old and I’ve told him it’s time to enjoy our grandkids not raise another. But he would rather be with “her” than to be a grown man and be with someone who is good for him. Everyone around him says it won’t work out between them. And I’ve also been told by higher powers that it will never work. So do I hold out and let him play with her or do I just give up and be single for the rest of my life.
Think of yourself now. You find someone who will respect and love you
Oh my…so sorry to hear…but you should never invest more than he is…it should be a matched effort. Big red flag that you always went to him. You cant be so available to him…you must create some space and have a life of your own that you love without him from time to time otherwise they lose interest. Men love to pursue! Let him pursue you, let him show you and have more self respect and love for yourself. I would walk away with your head held high and be a woman of High value…. So much material out there to learn about men and relationships. God bless you but never forget you are awesome, your are beautiful and have alot to offer …just let him pursue.
Hi go on a dating site and find someone else who is as anxious to enjoy a great relationship as you are. Move on. Do not look back. The best antidote for one leaving you is to get another.
Kick him to the curb. Act distant. He will learn the hard way! Just give it time. You are too good for him.
I agree with getting another.
Find someone else. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who wants to be with you?
I agree with Jenn’s comment about how men like to pursue. But at this age, you can’t waste time on game playing. Sounds to me like he’s having a midlife crisis at 58. (He doesn’t want to think about being a grandfather!) Even if it doesn’t work out for them, which it won’t, it doesn’t mean that he will want you instead. Find someone who values you and is willing to invest in the relationship!
I just broke up with a guy who made it easy for me. He said he loved me and wanted me in his life but it had to be 100 % on his terms.
That’s actually how he made me feel the 1 year + we were together. Cause if you love someone and want that person in your life you certainly don’t want a relationship a 100% only on one person’s terms, right?
I guess that’s also a person who doesn’t have any hero instincts for anyone but himself as you mentioned above.
I have been dating a guy for almost 2 months now. It started very fast as far as him sending me very loving text messages. He would compliment me and tell me how lucky he was to be matched with me. He likes to text message and sends very loving and sweet text messages every morning, usually thru out the day and before we go to bed. We also see each other every weekend usually Friday and Saturday. Sometimes his text messages get cold, he doesn’t text as much and they aren’t very loving like they usually are. I don’t like to play games and I like to always be honest with my feelings. He has told me he is madly in love with me but I still feel like I have to play games with him like if I sent him a loving text message he sometimes doesn’t respond like I would have thought he would. So then I feel like I have to back off. I hate that. If we care about each other we should be able to express that without feeling like I am scaring him off. Should I talk to him about how I feel? Or just play the game? I always compliment him and he always compliments me but sometimes he gets cold with his text messages and I don’t know why? I am 57 years old and he is 60 years old so there shouldn’t be game playing at our age and he told me from the start that he didn’t like to play games but I struggle on understanding how much he really likes me.
Cathy when reading your words it felt like I had written them. The last few months it has felt like I am playing a game but I dont know the rules. If you get some advise on what to do in this situation i would love to hear about it.
Dears Cathy and Tracy, I, too, feel as if your words were mine. After nearly a year, I kindly walked away from ‘an older man hiding behind his texts’. I mean he would not follow through with the feelings he implied in texts. Texts are not their medium, not their generation. Time spent together, touching, laughing and being yourselves together never goes out of style. Please keep your radar open to the next person, whatever age, who actually makes you smile, not wonder; who is curious about YOU, and remember how good it feels to be loved.
He’s there.
I think this article caused me to pause and really think. Like your readers above I’ve done that, been there. Although we live apart and have a 12 year old son, there are a lot of positives. I would definitely want to be with him and found that I would have changed some of my behaviors that were counter-productive to me personally. Nothing to change for him. In the process of healing myself there has been a tendency to doubt myself. We’ve been “together” for 16 years – I’m confused by his behaviors and I don’t believe there’s anyone else. I don’t know how to get us back to us or if this is it. Question is how do I get past this and know when he says I love you that it’s the love between a man and a woman instead of a friendship?… But since I know I would invest in this stock where do I go and how?
Sharon, our relationship coaches could engage in a discussion with you on this and offer ideas for where to go and how, but I wonder if you could do even better with the following challenge:
Sit down with a pen and paper and number the page from one to ten. Then start writing ideas and possible ways to answer your own question. You know him best. Use this tool to unlock your creativity. Just start writing possible ways to invest in a positive connection with him even if half your ideas are no good at all. The process of starting this list will get your subconscious mind spinning on the question and answers will begin to pop into your mind unbidden over the coming days. Try it and see.
James
What you said to Casey is my answer too, he would rather feel nothing “for me so he doesn’t have to feel guilty for all the years of cheating and lying”. We’ve been married 25 yrs together 27. Thank you!
I emotionally invested in a dream. On paper we could be perfect for one another, yet I missed one small thing, I confused kindness, heart-centered care for affection. —
That is the only thing I will make of sure next time before I choose to invest my heart in a man. I need ‘him’ to treasure me. I still respect love and him, I truly thought we were to be certain friends, and well he didn’t, he never loved me. —
I will never know what made him run for the hills, I wish I had a clue?— alas some mysteries are not meant to be finished, or understood just left to be mysterious.
This is the perfect answer to the last doubt I had about ending a 36 year marriage. If I met him today, knowing he cheats and lies, I wouldn’t give him a second look. I’m not wasting one more day of my life on him. Thank you!
I loved this article too. I’m facing the possible end of a 15 year marriage due to new awareness of my lying, cheating husband. I’m now dealing with a ‘remorseful’ husband and an awakening in my life, but with young kids involved it seems zero-sum is not so cut and dry.
I’m going through this now after 38 years of marriage. The last 20 a disaster because of an affair and lots of cheating! My husband lived a double life he tells me!
Help for a broken heart needed! My boyfriend of 15 months broke things off suddenly 6 months ago. I ‘ve read all the How to get your ex back books and tried the various strategies such as asking for Help…hero instinct… he did call back but was very dry and cold and the conversation ended with me being even more disappointed. I tried the sending a text to remind him of something fun we did… no response. l could tell toward the end of our relationship he was getting overwhelmed and started to push me away–distancing moves… but i didn’t see how serious it was… I have kept the break up classy…no begging, or unkindness. I am certain he started seeing someone new – he likely met before breaking things off with me… We live 80 miles apart so i won’t run into him and we didn’t share common friends so some of the other How to get your ex back moves won’t work. Is there anything i can do to get him to talk to me again? I am still broken hearted as much as i have been trying to move on…. sigh! Any help?
Hi Casey. I wish you had a better experience with him. It does sound like you gave him every opportunity, yet he stubbornly refused the emotional tugs he no doubt felt in his heart as you triggered all the right feelings in him. That suggests he doesn’t like himself when he thinks about getting back together with you. He may be embarrassed about how he treated you. He’d rather not feel anything for you so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about the way he disrespected you by cheating on you.
The truth is, some men don’t respond to the hero instinct. But it’s only the men who you would never want to build a long-term relationship with. Men who don’t feel a desire to be a hero to anyone but themselves. I realize that doesn’t heal your broken heart. But I hope it will help you to reframe the situation as a near escape rather than a devastating loss.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Omg…Of all the info that I have read lately and it has been a daily routine for me …( at least 2-3 hrs daily for six weeks now)…This has been the very best explanation I have heard..TY so much.
I broke things off with my boyfriend of 4years for almost a year now but the difficult thing is that we’ve been together since we were 15 and after the first year and a half, things went downhill. I got pregnant and had to drop out of school. There were alot of red flags at the beginning but I was young and wasn’t educated at all on these things. He abused me physically and emotionally and because I have no one to go too I stayed. We have a second child and he still treats me horribly and when I bring it up he plays victim. I decided I had enough and left him but due to not having a job and no one to help I’m sadly still dependent on him. I’m suffering from postpartum depression and now learning that I have alot of childhood trauma. I’m trying to get help but it’s hard and he always making things look like I just want attention is not helping.
I just need help and no one seems to understand that I know I’m not the only woman facing hard time but I still am and asking for help is not easy. I cry myself to sleep every night wondering what happened to my mom since 2017 she went missing and after hurricane Maria hit my country I’ve been on my own with a narcissist and I have 2kids to raise with no money