Relationships get boring.
It’s inevitable. You’re with the same person. You do the same things.
And that’s exactly what you wanted when you got together. Security. Stability. No nasty surprises.
But our craving for constancy comes at a very big price:
We give up novelty.
We get just one person. One relationship. No refunds or exchanges.
Imagine having to give up every outfit in your wardrobe but one. You can pick your favorite outfit, but you have to wear it every day. How do you think you’ll feel in a week? Will you still love it as much as you did when you chose it?
Human beings crave novelty just as much as they crave constancy.
We want things to be the same but different. We want what we’ve always had, but we also want what we’ve never tried.
The pleasure of novelty is obvious in the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and wonderful.
For many couples, it will never be that exciting again. Even their tenth wedding anniversary can’t compare to that first date when they were both so nervous and excited and hopeful.
It’s the same way with clothes. You might even say that your pleasure in a new outfit declines from the moment you plunk down your credit card to pay for it. Now it’s just another garment hanging in your closet. The novelty is gone.
Relationships must find the perfect balance between the poles of constancy and novelty. Go too far one way, and it gets boring. Go too far the other way, and it becomes unpredictable.
How can you maintain that balance? Here are three suggestions.
- No exits.
Frequently second-guessing your choice in men—i.e., “Should I be in this relationship? Is he really the right guy for me?”—limits your relationship satisfaction.
Studies show that, given a choice between two options, people are less satisfied with their decision if they’re given the chance to change their mind at a later date.
On the other hand, once you’re stuck with your choice, you usually find ways to like it.
For example, you need a new ride. You debate between a Honda CRV and a Toyota Rav4. They seem on par with each other. At least…until you buy one. Next thing you know; you’re telling people why the option you settled on is superior.
This is a well-documented psychological phenomenon. We convince ourselves (automatically and unconsciously) that we made a good choice (but only once we’ve made a choice we cannot easily reverse).
Here’s another example. Someone gives you a new sofa. You don’t like it and you plan to replace it soon. But, after sitting on it every night for years, you find yourself hesitant to give it up.
The more time we spend with anything—be it a person or possession—the more our affection grows.
So commit more deeply to your relationship and see if that changes anything. Stop focusing on what isn’t working. Instead, focus on how you can make it work.
- Play more.
Dating is playing for adults.
You get to go out and have fun. Your time together is free from the cares of daily life. You experience pure pleasure, undiluted with thoughts of tomorrow.
Then you move into a relationship.
Everything changes. You stay in instead of going out. No time for anything frivolous. You’re serious now. This is important.
But getting too serious sucks the life out of relationships.
If you don’t make time for pleasure, duty will creep into every corner of your day. It has a habit of taking over. There are so many things you should be doing. You could be spending your time more productively.
But a relationship founded on play can’t sustain itself on work alone.
That’s why so many couples enjoy scheduling a regular “date night.” They take one night a week to reconnect with one another.
Date nights aren’t the only way to incorporate more play into relationships. Teasing, laughing, and enjoying comic entertainment all work, too.
You could go dancing or indulge your inner child at mini-golf or an amusement park. You could sneak away to a hotel fifteen minutes away for a wild night on the town. Have fun and let the cares of the world slip away.
The couple that plays together truly does stay together.
- Make time for pleasure.
Play is something you do together. Pleasure is just for you.
Rediscover what makes you glow.
You and your partner will find different things pleasurable. Pleasure is highly individual. Taking time to pursue your pleasures gives your partner time to pursue his.
Pleasure breaks the drudgery of routine. It never gets old. Not eating a delicious meal, or enjoying a massage, or lying in the sun. Pleasure feels new every time.
Some women have been taught that taking time for pleasure is selfish. It’s not. It’s about having “me time.”
Experiencing pleasure stokes the fire within. It fills your inner reserves with peace, happiness and contentment. By experiencing pleasure, you have more to give to others. Your company is a delight. And your man feels blessed to be with such a satisfied woman.
Does that sound boring?
Not at all.
Fill a relationship with play, pleasure, and a firm sense of commitment, and neither of you will ever want to leave.
James, you never fail me. Thank you for having given my marriage hope, when all seemed lost. Your insights were the beginning of a different mindset for me. Where would we be without you? Divorced, or separated for sure. You changed my mind, you changed my marriage. I am forever grateful! You helped me to realize what a wonderful husband I have. I can never repay you for this extremely valuable information. So I want to say “THANK YOU JAMES, you are the BEST RELATIONSHIP COACH OUT THERE!”
Anna, I can’t tell you how much it means to me to receive this kind of message. Thank you for sharing a bit of your life story and allowing me to play a tiny part in your success.
James
Thanks once again. I feel valued. I appreciate you
I am a sexy, confident and successful woman who has done all of your recommendations in the bedroom. I have had three great looking successful guys in relationships in the past 20 year do all of their tricks in the bedroom to make me have an orgasm. While I love sex, respond physically in every area and can go forever, I never do the big O with these men. I have even tried toys in the bedroom, that works some of the time. Now I can get them solo all the time, but what do I do…they still try, love me and love sex with me, but what an ego blow for them, what do I do? Am I with the wrong guys? Do I need more chemistry with a guy? While these guys are masculine and good looking – I don’t have butterflies or fireworks with them. How much does that matter? I am an alpha female by all definitions, but I still play submissive, which I love. What gives? (no I am not gay).
My boyfriend of almost 5 yrs & I have never had what I would call a normal relationship. He has told me he loved me twice & he was drunk both times up until just a couple weeks ago bc I have been freaking out about us not spending time together or him never being home cuz he’s always gone either with his kids work his friends playing video games which I have no problem with him working for spending time with his kids but the video game and friend thing seems like I should come above that sometimes at least and it’s not just a couple hours of game playing it’s an overnighter several times a week and I know he’s there because I’ve gone and checked on it and confronted him about it right there outside the building he is just never around it seems and he knows that it hurts my feelings and the other night I begged him to come home and just talk to me and he wouldn’t do it I went over to his friends to get him and came outside and scolded me for starting things outside his friend’s apartment it’s like I said to him if you would have just come home I wouldn’t have had to come over here he told me to go home and he’d see me in a half hour but he wouldn’t come with me then. We’ve never had a lot of sex and when we do it’s all about him nothing about me there’s no foreplay there’s nothing but it’s always been like that it seems like every six months we go into slump where he’s just cruel and nasty I don’t know what to do with him. When I questioned him about what’s going on such as him phasing me out or leaving he says I’m not going anywhere and I do love you he sends me mixed signals all the time and I just can’t figure out what’s going on with him and I’m living in complete confusion and I need to know what’s going on I’ve tried to talk to him but he just doesn’t tell me anything. Just recently he’s gone on a camping trip with his son and his boss his wife and their kids and a couple of other groups of friends he didn’t invite me and I’ve always been invited so this really hurt my feelings I also caught him in a lie about it when I asked him about not being invited he said he said he didn’t invite me bc I hate camping and it was more of a kid geared thing well one of the groups of friends has no kids whatsoever and I do have a kid when I brought that up he said well I guess they got invited so that means I just didn’t get invited I don’t know if it’s him or his friends but I’m betting it’s him that didn’t invite me. It’s not like I’m asking him for anything major just a little bit of his time and him to show that he loves me but it seems that’s a hard thing to get out of him I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do please help me?
Hey, thanks for reading my articles and posting your question. Requests like yours would be better handled by one of our relationship coaches in the private forum.
beirresistible.com/members/irresistible-insiders-club
It is obvious you are hurting and you’re getting invested in this relationship and unfortunately he is not investing in the relationship nor does he show any interest in doing so. Sadly we often get what we expect and you are not expecting much from him and he is getting even worse and telling you not to. It’s Time to Move On. You deserve more and he definitely deserves a less! Your confidence has been shaken and it is hard to be strong clearly you need some new friends to encourage supports and sincerely care about you. His friends obviously are taking their cues from him. Good luck, you need to take care of you and once you are available you will be in a position to find someone who deserves you.
I wld like to lern more about a relationship that gets boring