Finding common ground is one of the fastest ways to build a feeling of warmth. It’s how we establish familiarity with people we’ve just met. It’s also a surprisingly good way to restore feelings of connection with an existing partner.
But how do you find new common ground with someone you already know?
Even if you know someone really well, there are always new things to learn. The trick to getting to know someone better is to find out what you have in common. Here’s an easy way to do just that.
1.What’s your favorite thing that happened in the past week?
Invite him to play a ‘free association game’ that starts like this. You ask him this question: What’s your favorite thing that happened in the past week? There’s no right or wrong answer, so there’s no pressure.
You listen to his answer. This is important. Really listen.
When he’s done, share any connections you have with his memory. That’s what free association is.
For example, if he mentions a slice of apple pie he had at a certain diner, and you’ve been to that same diner with friends, you mention that you’ve been there but that you never tried the apple pie.
Your comment about being at the diner with friends sparks a memory about his own group of friends. He mentions whatever memory came up. The conversation spirals from there, taking unexpected twists and turns.
When you run out of associations, just go back to the root question but change it a bit. Instead of his favorite thing from the last week, ask about the last month. The last year. The last ten years.
The great thing about this is you don’t have to control the conversation to make it interesting. Just go with the flow and let the conversation grow organically. You’ll discover all kinds of new things about each other.
1.What are your pet peeves?
This is another great free association technique. It’s a lot like the first, but the question is pointed in an entirely different direction. Ask him what really frustrating experience he’s had recently. Or ask about the little things he encounters in everyday life that really get under his skin.
While this does take the conversation in a negative direction, you can keep it light-hearted by focusing on trivial annoyances. Stuff like his pet peeves, not his life’s most tragic moments.
Complaining about hardships, even little ones, is a super-fast way to build a connection. It’s like you have a shared enemy. There’s even science to back this one up. Research has consistently shown that establishing a shared enemy is one of the quickest ways to get people to bond.
1.Where have you been?
When you put someone on the spot by asking common questions like what hobbies they have or what they’re into, you’ll most likely get stale answers. It’s hard to think of the really important things with those kinds of questions. There’s nothing to guide your thoughts.
But the timeline of your life serves as a pretty good mental bridge. So try asking him where he’s been. The process of describing vacations or places you’ve lived brings back all kinds of memories.
When we share our traveling experiences, it conjures up all kinds of visual reminders. Those reminders make it easy to remember what was important to you at the time. The things you were passionate about. The things that led you to those places to begin with.
This question isn’t about the destinations at all. It’s about the memories associated with those places. Those memories reveal a lot about a person.
All three of these techniques can be used casually without a lot of planning or fuss. Because they’re light-hearted, you can introduce them as a conversational game over dinner or out on a walk. Give them a try and then enjoy the process of discovery that follows.
Hi James! I have read your books to grow relationships and rewrite new ones. I just don’t know when it is the right time to use one of your methods on my story. Long story short, I met a guy through an online app during the pandemic. We had a lot of opening up and deep talks. He let me know constantly that there is a future for us now and once we get to meet. We always talked about our future and how it’d feel when we get to see each other soon. With all that, we’ve never physically met and didn’t know when we were going to. But we both always had hope. He would always let me know how much he liked and loved me, but because of my previous relationship mistake, I knew i didn’t want to repeat what I had done. In my previous relationship, I confessed to a guy, who had feelings for me too, when he asked me if I had feelings for him. This took his “chase” mechanism away, and he ended up giving no effort in me. I knew this would happen if I told my current man I reciprocated his feelings, so I never told him in exact words that I also liked and loved him. But I did still express my feelings in my tone and words and facial expressions. I would tell him that he’s the only one I’m talking to and that I can’t wait to see him and that I will love him more and more once I see him in person. With all that, lovely months have passed, but one day out of nowhere he tells me that he’s cutting off his social medias to focus on his career applications. I didn’t think of it much then because I knew I had other ways to connect to him, and I wanted to respect his personal space. Keeping in mind that we weren’t official, I didn’t think I was allowed to tell him no. Once I agreed, he removed me from his friends and follows on his socials. In shock, I didn’t know if he did that to stop talking to me or if he really wanted to focus. So I texted him what was going on and he replied that he apologizes he did this all so suddenly, but he did this because he was too busy with his work and had too much on his plate. I knew that was going to lead in losing him. So I texted him again and he never replied. A day later, I texted him again calmly and carefully about how we should be on “good” terms. He replied back by saying he didn’t leave me because he lost interest in me, but he left because he found out he wasn’t prepared to balance everything and that we should go our separate ways. I didn’t want it to end, but I thought this was the only way to get him back, so I texted him my feelings. I told him how I really felt throughout the talking stage. I thought this would bring him back, but I guess I was wrong. He never replied. I kept in mind that he did tell me from the beginning that he doesn’t use his text messages a lot. There were one or two times it took a bit long for him to reply to my texts but even though he was a “bad” texter, he still made time to reply back. With all this in mind, I just assumed he was taking a while to text back until I realized it’s been three days since he hasn’t replied to my last message about my feelings. Did this cause a worse break? We did agree upon remaining “friends”, but I feel like he doesn’t want to. Maybe I’m just so worried it’s all too late that I constantly want to text him even though there is no response. Your book talks about patience and being slow and steady. Is it too late? How long should I wait to restart a conversation? He does see my socials, so I know he’s on his phone, which makes me know that he’s just not replying to me. Does this mean he has someone else? If so, should I not use your relationship rewrite? Or will your relationship rewrite help me maintain a friendship? Thank You!
Thought this was a really great article. Thanks so much. You always give great tidbits even when posting for others stuff and that is greatly appreciated!
Laura
Hi James, I hope this really gets to you. I met the guy I’m crazy about online during this pandemic. We were unable to meet. After 4 months of writing daily we found we had so much in common and I fell hard. He began with hug and kisses after every post, which I hesitantly also did. For some reason after 2 phone calls, in which he professed his extreme interest in me. They stopped but his ardent posts became more intimate and loving. I chided him about not calling and wanted to know why he didn’t call. No answer. He said all is well and we have a bright future. After being locked up for 4 months without human contact I was getting nuts and needy. I wanted to just talk to this person I was falling for. I did the unthinkable and called him and insisted an answer for why he wouldn’t call me. He said he just never thought of it. I said you have your family with you and I’m alone and hearing your voice would make it better. Dumb move on my part. He wrote this long post about how we were not a done deal since we haven’t yet met and don’t know if there is even chemistry between us. He said he met online women and they would say not for me and he would be hurt. I wrote back that I had no illusions that this was not a done deal. Even though we were a perfect match in almost every way. We are both sapiophiles which brought us together. No more hugs and kisses. We have written several times, no emotion just mundane words. I’m in love with his character and his gentle, shy ways. He has this truly romantic side which took me in. Now what I’m afraid to write, because I don’t want to screw up whatever feeling we may still have. Is there any chance to text my ex back being that we’ve never met. I have all your books and have read them all unfortunately I read them after the incident. Any help to regain what we had James? Lee
Hi, Lee. I’m a bit confused. It seems you have not lost his interest yet, unless there is something you did not mention here.
It sounds to me that his perspective is this: “I really like this woman, but I know better than spending my time on the phone with her…falling more in love each day, when she may just dump me as soon as we meet in person. So I’m going to practice some self-discipline here and just keep the lines of written communication open until we have the chance to meet in person and see if it’s really as good as it seems.”
If this is correct, then it seems your most important activity right now is to simply enjoy the relationship for what it is right now, while respecting his boundaries in ways that make it fun for him by removing any pressure to push things forward. By enjoying the written communication, you’ll show him the best side of your personality. He will then relax and begin to enjoy it again too.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Thanks James,
The problem is he did stop writing after the last post. I didn’t mention he’s been divorced for 24 years from someone that had affairs while they were married. He is ex Navy, had no idea it was happening. She is now happily living with a boyfriend on half his retirement. After reading your books, I think I scared him by making demands. So I stopped all contact since his last post and my answer 3 weeks ago. Let him wonder what happened to me! He seems to think that only upon meeting will he know if there is “chemistry”. He could be right. I’m on other sites now and getting 7 or 8 requests a day, which is definitely good for my ego and helps to ease the hurt. I’m not so sure he can even see a relationship through to permanence due to his past. I had 45 years with the love of my life and we come from different places. I’m all in and positive and he’s hesitant. The only reason I bother is that we are a good match in our values, in our temperament, politics, financial, etc. That’s so hard to find. We are both sapiophiles, there are not many out there that not only have cerebral and the physical. That’s my hang up, I can’t let go of such a good match. How do I get him interested again. I know he’s gun-shy! Lee
Hi Lee,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
About the non-stop talking, I am thinking of a guy I really like, who shows signs of liking me, who can talk and talk on just one subject, and very interestingly, but who talks too long. I have learnt about all sorts of things just by listening, and I think he does it to connect and to fill the silence and possibly because he is a very sociable person who works in a solitary job. He does notice what I say, very much, it is not like he only likes the sound of his own voice. I think, like your previous messenger said of her date, he is nervous, I hadn’t thought of that before. The other evening he picked up on a topic my son was interested in and then talked about it to him rather than with him and again for too long. I think he is trying to connect because it feels like something I have done myself previously particularly when I wanted to be accepted or impress. But, beyond a certain point it doesn’t connect, in fact it forms a barrier. It has the effect of keeping me at a distance. I wish there was some way I could influence him to talk just a little less. Thanks James for all your posts.
I see what you mean, Jane. Also, it’s possible he just has a bit of a social blind spot in that one area. Some people don’t realize the impact of non-stop talking.
Great article, James! 🙂 I loved the three topics, and I will surely use them!
I do have a bit of trouble understanding how to balance this with not interrupting. 🙂 I’m a pretty extroverted and very talkative person, and whenever someone tells such a story, my natural tendency is to jump in with free associations. I have to reign it in a lot, because cutting them off so that *I* can talk… would be just rude (and disrespectful, right?). But then I sometimes tend to reign it in too much… Case in point: I had a very nice date yesterday, with a new guy. He kept talking and talking and TALKING (I guess, because he was pretty nervous, haha), and I kept listening and listening, and forcing myself not to disrespect him by interrupting him too much. It felt stressful, frankly. So what’s a good measure for blending free associations and holding your own part of the conversation, while remaining respectful?
The good that’s a good question, Julia. I would say the most important thing to focus on is the nonverbal indicators that tell you whether he is searching for things to talk about versus really being in the flow of communicating a string of thoughts with you and very much appreciating your receptive listening year.
Hmmmmm, excellent point, James! I will make a point of observing that. Thank you!!!!
James, thanks for some assistance on, what I call small talk. I am really not good at it. I must admit, I don’t enjoy it either. I like your incite into conversation starters. It is also good for an already established relationship to keep things fresh and to learn something new about each other. I would love some other tips if your have any. Communication is always the key, how you present it . Is that right James? Your the best! Thanks for your help.
I’m glad you found this topic helpful, Bernadette. If you’re interested in more of my insights on this topic, you might consider accessing my special report on conversations men tend to enjoy. If you’re interested in that related topic you can find it here.
I always thought of myself as a terrible conversationalist and attributed it to my shyness and being anti-social. I always felt awkward answering the typical get-to-know you questions like What are you into? So when you explained why they’re hard to answer, I was very relieved. Thank you James!
I’m glad that helped, Karen.