You’re finally dating a guy who all your friends simply refer to as “a great catch.” He’s smart, funny, attractive and totally sane.
But there is one problem—he’s a dad.
Look, I know you have no problem with dads or kids. But this does complicate things.
It complicates things because this “great catch” is in a joint custody situation. And he’s often busy. As a father, he’s sometimes completely unavailable.
And to make matters worse, his ex-wife may be someone you have to deal with on occasion. She might even show up when the kids are with her…at a moment when you thought you had “dad” to yourself. Like in a situation where she needs to look for a missing shoe and homework assignment one of the kids left at his place.
So naturally, you’re asking yourself, can I handle this? Am I ready to date a dad?
Unless you’re restricting your dating prospects to men under 30, chances are, you may end up dating a dad at some point.
In 2013, an estimated 17 percent of single parents were men. That’s equivalent to 2 million men nationwide.
There are also many reasons why single dads are a great catch.
First, caring for another human being changes people. A dad has less time to make small problems the focus of his attention. So he may be more accepting and less interested in arguing over little things.
Caring for another human being also teaches patience. Parents understand that everyone does things at a different pace.
Finally, caring for another human being puts things into perspective. Parents know that no one needs to spend $150 on a bottle of champagne to celebrate a milestone. Parents find joy in all sorts of places.
So what’s the upshot of dating a dad?
Dating a dad gives you a chance to date a guy with greater emotional depth—a guy who knows who he is, what he wants, and how to give back.
Okay, so you’ve decided that you’re into this idea. You’re going to date a dad.
But how do you make this work? The following ground rules can help—
1.) Throw out the ground rules you’ve followed in previous dating situations. Accept the fact that this is going to be different.
2.) The kids are part of the package. No good parent is going to date someone who can’t accept that their kids are their first priority. To put it bluntly, get on board with this or get out.
3.) The ex is part of the package too. Unless you’re dating a dad who is widowed, his ex is going to be on the scene. And if they are decent people, they may have found a way to remain friends for the sake of the kids.
4.) Even if you’re dating someone who makes a lot of money, the budget could seem tight. Don’t assume you’ll be going on a cruise once a month. Dads have other priorities for their savings.
5.) Don’t be a diva! Kids get sick. School concerts can go 2 hours past the expected end time. Sometimes your plans will be delayed or cancelled.
Still in for the ride? There are 2 million single dads out there waiting to find a match!
Only the man can set up appropriate boundaries with his kids and ex. I too am dating a man with a certifiable crazy ex and 3 small kids. It is a very stressful situation and what joy there was at the beginning has diminished significantly due to his inability to have proper boundaries in place. Its a pity as we connected so well but now looks like he will be moved to the friend zone. … for my own peace and emotional well being.
I’m wondering what the appropriate amount of time should be given to building the relationship before even meeting his kids? Is longer better? How long is too long to wait? Months? Years? Thanks!
Your points are well taken and true, but I also think it’s important to remember that most women are not going to want to divorce a good man who’s a good husband and a good father. They’re going to do all within their power to keep their relationship and family intact. Yes, some women out there are just crazy. But the vast majority aren’t. So if there’s a divorced dad with young children available for dating, chances are pretty high that they’re doing a sub optimal job in one of those areas. And all of the comments seem to support this. If you’re dating a single dad with young kids, I doubt being occasionally late because a school concert ran over is the biggest issue you will be dealing with.
That’s a good point and a keen observation, Ilene.
Its hardest being a single mum, dating a dad of 3 kids, receiving insults from the other wife and worst being a long distant relationship (where one has to be out of the country for long). The kids being so demanding and the dad being an always YES kind of dad who just has to avail ALL that the kids needs just to please them.
This issue is a MAJOR factor in the dating & relationship scene that has gone almost completely unaddressed. This is one of very few articles I’ve seen. Kudos to you for taking it on! As you can see from the comments, there is a whole lot here to explore.
Hi James,
I agree with Dani & Beth, I married a single father with a now a 4yr old little boy, whom I tend to forget that he is 4 because my husband has no boundaries set in place for him. I was (am because a parent will always be a parent) a single mother of 3 boys, during my parenting times I came across single fathers as well. We all became the best of friends, then alas the kids grew up. I must say, being a step parent is harder than being a single parent in so many ways. How can you make a relationship/marriage work when the father allows the child to be rude, disrespectful, and disobedient? For the last 1 & 1/2, I have been patient and allowed the child’s behavior, because of the situation we find ourselves in. But I must admit, that my tolerance has gone out the window along with my patience and the fact that I have to remind myself everyday, that he is only a four year old little boy. My husband and I have had many conversations regarding the issues at hand, for a week or two he works with me, but then goes right back to allowing the child to run our household. Needless to say, that the mother is not a decent mother or person all around. Manipulation is what the child is being taught. I am ready to give it all up! Please help???
Hi Yvie. That’s a difficult situation, but fortunately you have recognized it for what it is. This gives you the power to consciously choose your reaction instead of letting it destroy your positive relationship without knowing why everything went wrong.
In a situation like this, it sometimes helps to start by listing the things you can control and the things you cannot control. This gives you a better sense of where to focus your mind and energy.
If you’re like me, and everyone else I know, your tendency will be to focus on the most frustrating problems with this child and the dynamic with your husband. That’s just how our brain works. It wants to solve problems. Of course, that brings out the worst in you, and your emotions then bleed over from four-year-old to father and from father to four-year-old. People feel that, and it poisons the fun of a relationship.
The list of things you can control may be very small. But that’s where you should start. It could be something as simple as controlling the frequency with which you and your husband set aside time to literally score yourselves on the progress you’ve made on very specific objectives regarding the parenting strategy you both try to employ. Remember, whatever gets measured improves. So simply keeping a regular 20 minute event in your weekly calendar to score yourselves on five or six measures of your parenting strategy can raise awareness and thereby increase your chances of success.
Always on your side,
James
Great article. I met and married a good man when we each had 3 kids in elementary school. To say it was difficult at times was an understatement. He loved me, but felt a lot of guilt over his divorce, which his ex didn’t want. So he showered them with gifts and attention, and paid his ex more than he was even required by their divorce decree. Fortunately, he did make good money so it was ok but sometimes I still resented it. We had some bumps, big and small, but he ultimately realized that if he wanted it to work with me, he had to draw boundaries and remember my feelings first. We each insisted that our children respect the new parent and backed each other up when it came to discipline. Thirteen years later, our kids have grown up and they are all close friends and we have been very blessed. It can work out well with a lot of love, kindness, and patience, and if you are both mature people who can give and take, and ultimately try to put your spouse’s happiness first.
Single mom of 3 teenage girls widowed. Now dating a single dad that has primary custody of a teenage daughter. I make sure to tell my daughters when I have plans and they plan accordingly and something to do. He feels bad telling her he has plans with me so many times our plans get cancelled or put off to another night. I have had hurt feelings over this many times but constantly remind myself that If my girls dad was alive I would want them to have special time with him. Asking for advise from other single dads. Is this ok or should I ask for more time that is planned. We have been dating 6 months and I have been cancelled on a whole lot. Am I being to sensitive and if so please give your opinion on how I should move forward.
James
I am wondering about your insight regarding some ground rules for the Dad towards his woman partner? Being a father is one thing but maintaining healthy boundaries and expectations of the children, albeit age appropriate, is another.
In my experience, many of these fathers do not see, understand or foster healthy boundaries for their children but nearly all of them expect a lot of understanding from the woman they date.
Hey Dani. That’s a very important topic you’ve raised.
And you are absolutely right. For the relationship to flourish, a parent must take on the significant responsibility for creating the necessary boundaries and expectations from the children in order to create the space your relationship needs to thrive.
Because you can’t do it for him. You can’t create the boundaries with his kids because you are just starting the process of forming a delicate new relationship with his children.
Still, it’s important to work as a team. Because he’s so much “in” the family dynamics with his kids that it’s easy for him to not even realize or notice them. So he needs you to gently point out the ways his family dynamics and ways of relating to his kids are helping or not helping to create the boundaries and positive interactions you need.
YES. In my experience, most dads have zero rules or boundaries for their kids. This is VERY stressful for the women/future stepparent. And trying to talk to a man about his kids needing rules or boundaries is about impossible, because they blow up if you even hint that their kid is anything but perfect.
I’m on a stepparents group where 3 of the women said they divorced the father because his kids were out of control, and the father would do nothing to control his kids or make them behave.
It’s the women who usually gets the short end of the stick when dating a man with kids.
Exactly! I let a single dad with full custody of a six year old daughter move into my basement. We have had many fights over the nine months because he allowed her horrible behavior. He also gets hiS four year old son on weekends and the kids have hidden my things, broken valued objects, been rude to me, scribbled on walls, and more. But, he is starting to see that as a retired teacher, I actually know what I’m talking about. And now the kids tell me they love me and I say I love them too. So, he is allowing me to make the rules now!
I dated an awesome dad but emotionally unstable guy. His emotions for his son are deep and sincere but he is so emotionally broken for everything else. Not all great dads make great boyfriends. After a year of dating he admitted he is emotionally broken. Sad part his kid was like my own so I lost two of them at the same time. Life…
What about the opposite? The woman has children and the man you are dating doesn’t nor has been married?
My relationship with someone just came to an end after almost two years because of “grown children”. Every morning his Son would call even if we were on vacation. His daughter is very attached to “Dad” and she dominates and excludes me when I’m present. We had a few words in the beginning of our relationship and from that day she wouldn’t even say hello when I we were in the same room. I did my apologies just to try and form a relationship. Didn’t work. Even offer for my guy to go and be with his kids and exclude me. We could meet up later. I was good with this. SO it’s not just the small children that live at home it’s the dominate grown kids that can ruin a great love you shared with their Dad. So very sad!
I love this article James! What a great reminder of the benefits of dating a dad and also tips on how to succeed. At 42 years of age many available men have kids and it is so essential to know how to work within the situation. You hit the mark again!