That first date is make or break.
Either you feel a connection, or you don’t.
But maybe your first dates have all been ending the same way…
You’re just not feeling it with ANYONE.
Sometimes you like the guy. But you’re not sure if there’s chemistry.
Is it the guys you’re picking? Do you need to adjust your criteria?
Is it you? Are you expecting too much?
Actually, it might be something simpler than that.
Maybe the problem is that you’re expecting to know whether you like him after just one date…
When the truth is, it takes at least a few.
The Just-One-Date Problem
There’s a very good reason we think we should know if someone is the ONE after just one date…
Romantic books, movies, and songs all tell us that love happens at first sight.
Your eyes meet across a crowded room, and you just know.
If you don’t feel chemistry from the moment you lay eyes on him, then he’s probably not the one.
Even though love at first sight makes a good story, it doesn’t accurately describe how love works. (Love can happen instantly, but that’s not the norm.)
Lasting love requires three core elements: commitment, intimacy, and passion.
You can’t tell if a man has what it takes to commit or cultivate intimacy in just one date. One date isn’t enough to tell you how he will treat you over time.
So keep chemistry in perspective. You want the WHOLE package: a man who’s good to you, deeply committed, and supportive emotionally.
To find out that, you’ve got to get past the first-date barrier…
First Date Can Be Misleading
A man isn’t going to show you his true self on that first date.
Not because he’s trying to deceive you, but because he’s trying to put his best foot forward.
He’s nervous, he doesn’t know you, and he’s trying to be what he thinks women want.
The conclusions you draw about a man after just one date are often inaccurate. A man who comes across as the ideal match might just be telling you what you want to hear. A man who comes across as socially awkward might just be shy.
You don’t really start getting to know a man until you’ve seen him more than once.
That’s when he starts to relax.
That’s when he starts revealing himself.
So try to avoid drawing conclusions about him on the basis of just one date.
Obviously, if there’s absolutely no connection, you don’t have to see him again.
But if you have a good conversation and you find him likable, if not particularly impressive, you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
There’s more to him than what you learned on that first date. It might be the second date when he really starts to shine…
And a powerful attraction factor will start kicking in, one that’s been responsible for more marriages than most of us can even imagine…
How We Used to Fall in Love
Just 30 years ago, it wasn’t common to meet your future spouse online.
Most married couples met through friends and family.
Others met through work, college, and church.
When people met each other through friends or work or college, they didn’t necessarily jump into a relationship. They got to know each other. They developed a connection. Over time, that connection sparked into something bigger.
Some research has found that relationships are stronger if you knew each other for some time before you started dating.
Your relationship didn’t have so much pressure on it from the very beginning. You didn’t have to make a decision about whether you had a future with this person after only seeing them once. You got to know each other gradually.
What you may not have realized is that getting to know someone increases your chances of falling for them.
The more often you see someone—whether at the gym, in your neighborhood, or on a handful of dates—the more you tend to like them.
This is known as the mere exposure effect.
We like people we see regularly…
And we don’t even realize it’s happening!
We think the reason we like them more is because we’ve gotten to know them. But, in fact, what makes you feel positively disposed towards someone is seeing them often, even if you never talk to them.
Can you see now why online dating puts you at an immediate disadvantage?
Most potential couples only see each other once—on that first date!
They don’t have the chance for the mere exposure effect to kick in.
But now you have information that most people don’t have.
You know that seeing a man more than once increases your chances of liking each other.
So give him a chance. If he’s likable enough, make time for a second or third date. See if he grows on you. True love doesn’t have to happen at first sight.
I once read somewhere that men and women fall in love differently. Women are attracted to the men they love, and men love the women they are attracted to. Maybe this is a superficial view, but there is some truth in it.
For me, I think that chemistry, strong attraction, is a critical piece. If it isn’t there, then no matter how much fun I had getting to know someone, I don’t think he will make a good relationship partner.
Like Anne, it took me a long time (3 months) to even date a friend who became my husband. He “won me over” – I have always greatly enjoyed his company and had fun together. He also “knew” from the get-go that he wanted to marry me. But after almost 20 years of struggling in a largely sex-less marriage in which our friendship is still strong but his work takes precedence (it ranks 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in his life – at least!) we are getting divorced.
Though I am grateful for the learning and the children that came from our marriage, there is a part of me that wishes I had followed my intuition, my knowing that he was just a friend and should remain just a friend. And I am thankful that is the relationship we now have.
This is one of the topics that is so incredibly frustrating to me. I’m on the older side (>60)…I guess because at this age women want to move as quickly as possible to people they feel that immediate chemistry/electricity with.
I have been on more dates than I can count where we had so much fun talking, laughing…dates that lasted two or three hours…and then after asking about getting together again I get the: “I had an AMAZING time! You’re funny, you listen, you’re intelligent…I had a great time tonight, but I just didn’t feel that chemistry. I’m sorry.”
It is incredibly frustrating that women feel that after just ONE date they know whether there’s potential for a lifetime romantic relationship. Real love, real connections take time. I do realize and have been on dates in which I know from the first ‘hello’ that the person is not a match, or after the date it’s clear to both of us that we had an OK time but pretty much a mutual, ‘nope’ and we move on. But when you go home after 2 hours of a really fun date, don’t give up because you didn’t feel that romantic connection.
My advice to women is to give it some more time…if you had a really good date and you really liked the guy…give it several more dates. My closest friend went on a date with a guy and she came back and said, ‘I had an OK time..but he’s definitely not my type. She went out with him again and again…always saying she wasn’t attracted to him as a romantic connection. I told her that she’s going to fall in love with the guy…and she kept saying…”no…we have a lot of fun but I’m not physically attracted to him at all.” She’s now engaged and deeply in love.
Give it a chance ladies! The guys you have a really great time with may turn into that deep romantic connection you’re looking for if you just give it a chance.
Thanks for offering your experience and insight on this, Dave.
When I was younger, from 1978-1982 I only dated 2 guys. The first one during my teenage years and he was my childhood neighbor. The 2nd and last was in 1982 I was about to finished my degree in Social work. I met this man who is a relative of my. bestfriend in college. We dated several time in his favorite restaurant near the university dormitory where I lived during my study. We chatted in that restaurant and stayed late until the restaurant was closing in the nighttime. I enjoyed his company, jokes and his opinion about topics we discussed. He was clearly sure that I am the one for him but for me I didn’t felt the chemistry and physical attraction that time. I really don’t know why I keep on going out with him. Then one day he said the magic word I-4-3 with matching chocolates and flowers. I don’t know what to say or respond. Nothing but I thank him for saying so. He was waiting, but I said give me sometime to think about it. Then we proceeded again to dine-in for dinner in the next months. So to cut the story short. Many things happened in between our own personal lives that brought us together as couple. As I said earlier , I was not attracted romantically. And yet overtime as friend, I learned to love him 2 years after we met. I married him in 1984, had 3 kids and stayed married for 34 years until he died of cancer almost two years now.
I started dating again last year to two guys. Ist guy I met online. though he claimed he was a schoolmate of my husband from elementary to high school, I didn’t know him. I connected and was chatting online with him before meeting in person. After meeting him. I was bold to say, I don’t like to continue seeing him period. I’m sorry I hurt him very quickly. And the other guy after him I met in FB he was a friend of my friend. The same thing, we met once and have dated in person. Period! He wanted another date but I declined it. I think, I need to be visually attracted first so that is the pathway for me or maybe to anyone in looking for a potential partner. In my relationship history, friendship first before intimacy is developed. I realize that It would be unlikely for me to meet the second Mr right, at my age but still young at ❤️.
Anne…thanks for posting. I think you’ve also illustrated my point. There’s still time for you to meet Mr. Right as there is for me to meet my match. 😊