Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
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Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.
They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.
Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.
But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.
As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.
When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.
In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.
When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.
If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.
And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.
So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.
When you do that, two things happen.
First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.
He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.
And here’s the second thing that will happen.
You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.
And here’s the magic that seals the deal…
He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.
You will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.
What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.
Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.
Hi James, I am an older woman and not interested in playing games. I want my relationship to be honest and open. Unfortunately my “love interest” is not always honest with me, he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. I tell him he can be honest with me and not to worry if it is something that might upset me I would rather hear the truth and work on it from there. We do have honest talks mostly done on my part and he agrees with me. I have known him for 30+ years so he and I do know each other pretty well. His wife died last year and we just recently reconnected. He knows I am here for him to help him through whatever he may need and he knows I love him. I am trying to be patient with him and give him the space he needs. He wants our relationship to continue (yes it has been physical) but he really makes no other effort than that. I find myself to be the one who reaches out with a call or a text to see how he is doing and frankly just to hear his voice and talk. We do make each other laugh and things seem to go well then it will be days before I hear from him again (unless I reach out). I ask him to let me know if this relationship is too much for him. I told him I won’t give up on him as he has said he doesn’t want “us” to end things. I know you have a lot of advice for the benefit of the man as far as sparking the flames again, how about us women?
Hi Denice. That’s an interesting situation. It seems there are some things you are enjoying about the relationship, though you probably wouldn’t continue with the relationship if you knew it would never improve from its current state where you carry most of the burden for reaching out to invest emotionally in the relationship.
It seems you are well aware that a grieving widow is not necessarily going to respond with the same level of emotional engagement and energized excitement as someone who has been searching for a decade for a person to build a romance with. Nonetheless, I can understand why you are eager to see things balance out so that you’re not the only one working to build something beautiful together.
Fortunately, this is one of those situations where time is on your side. The grieving will gradually decline even if not in a steady or linear progression (there will be ups and downs). For that reason, many people in these types of situations find it useful to focus on what is enjoyable in the relationship right now, allowing less of your attention and focus to dwell on what could be or what may yet come as the relationship improves in the future.
It’s basically that old adage, “a watched pot never boils,” but in this case applied to a relationship situation. The more we focus on what is beautiful and good right now, the more it brings out the best in us, while simultaneously reducing the angst we feel about having to wait for a better future.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
I’m dating a man who has a 10 year old daughter and split fully from his ex-wife in March (they divorced in 2018 and got back together and split several times), this time he says it’s for good. It was amazing, we’ve been dating 2 and a half months, then we had a conversation about a relationship; he said he isn’t ready because he’s very worried how his daughter would react to it and also because he hasn’t been single that long is confused as to whether he wants another relationship. He asked me to wait; I said I would keep seeing him. Then this week I expressed a little bit of unhappiness at us not spending as much time together as I would like and he kind of freaked out and said said he didn’t want commitment right now. We’ve seen each other since and had a great time. I’m just confused; is he being sincere with me or is he genuinely just scared? I don’t want him to lose interest in me and I don’t want to scare him away!
Zoe, two and a half months is a very short period of time. You guys are just beginning this relationship.
In situations like these, some people find it useful to let time answer your question. With time, his actions will speak louder than words and you’ll know whether he is looking for ways to adapt so he can be close to you or if he is just saying something to keep you around with no intention of building toward something lasting and beautiful.
Keep in mind, a good father is going to have some fear about how this kind of relationship may impact his daughter’s well-being. Instead of seeing that issue as an enemy to compete with, become his ally. Talk openly with him about this fear and become his confidante and the person he can brainstorm with about how to protect his daughter’s well-being while still building a good relationship with you. Then you’ve aligned yourself instead of competing with the energy that is already driving his actions.
Thanks for your reply James, unfortunately he broke it off with me yesterday. He was ill, didn’t sound good at all, had been very distant this week and avoiding me almost then told me that he couldn’t explain why as he very much enjoyed all the time we spent together but he just needs to be alone and isn’t ready for a relationship. He didn’t know if it was anything I’ve done, doesn’t know how long he’s felt like that, freaked out when I asked him if he was sure he never wanted to see me again, assured me there is nobody else but that he just needs to be alone for the time being. What do I do? I know that he likes me!! Should I just forget him and try and have no contact, just leave him alone and move on? I want him so badly though and I’m so sad.
🙁 I’m sorry to hear that, Zoe. I know you see a lot of potential in this relationship. Maybe he does too. But he clearly believes he is not ready to be in a relationship yet.
Rather then shutting him out, most people find it’s best to leave the door of communication open. That could mean just letting him know that while you are seeking a relationship right now, you have to respect the fact that he is not, but you’d love to continue to be a part of his world if he wants to send you an update on how he’s doing from time to time.
The advantage of this approach is that if his circumstances change, there is not a big barrier of awkward silence that he has to first overcome before he can start communicating with you again. It just makes it easier and more likely that something might spark to life again in the future.
But for your own sake, it’s important that you don’t hold your breath waiting for that possibility. Keep the door open, but go on with your life, investing in new people.
James
Hi James
Feeling a little overwhelmed. Listened to the audio book and funny enough some of your hero instinct advice had helped with my partner. I have know him for 4 years and we always go back to each other. He is the guy that has the ex wife and 3 boys and is always working hard to keep a float. He is in the prince stage. We got back together 6 months ago.. We would make time for each other and msg every day. Morning and night. When we are together its like we speak the same language. And the last time I saw him things were great. He was even sending me pixs and opening up more and starting with the pet names. But you can tell he is focused on getting his life together and is busy. Recently he just disconnected and barely text. Its like he pushed me away after Father’s day. I asked if it was me. He said not to over think. But as a creature of habit I became used to him messaging and then he msgd less and less. And of course I did the girly thing… loss the plot. Now he’s barely there. I have ask for help a couple of times and used curiosity and it worked. Yay! But I feel its only me initiating… then I look stupid. I don’t want to lose him. And I keep trying to be positive. But I’m not sure he thinks he is winning and not sure I can convince him when he is ignoring me. I was hopeful and now I’m just scared that he doesn’t want this. I am confused and a little unsure what to do. Xx
Hi Michelle. It’s always a privilege to be invited into the thought process and planning of someone who thinks deeply about these issues.
Right now, the hero instinct is at work in his life. The channel of that flowing river of energy is alive and well. Unfortunately, it is divided. And it seems the duty he feels to play the role of a successful provider for his children is getting the lion’s share of the natural drive he feels from the hero instinct.
What does all this imply? Well, for one thing, it implies he is a person of honor and loyalty. And of course, that makes him all the more valuable as a partner to build a life with. It’s a good thing that he is striving to provide for his kids. But it would be nice if some of his efforts had paid off a little more so he didn’t have to work so hard to keep his head above water.
Your mission now is to show him he doesn’t have to choose between you and providing for his family. This is a difficult but important process. We need him to think of his relationship with you as something more than recreation that he does when he has extra time outside of his core responsibilities.
Instead, we need him to start thinking of you as a person who supports him and brings him energy and strength in the midst of his efforts to meet his responsibilities and live life to the fullest.
Pause to think about this question. How can you communicate to him that you would like to walk alongside him while he pursues the meaningful mission he is on? How can you help him to recognize that you’re not asking for his extra time, but rather to be invited into the life he is really living day to day?
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Aww thank you for replying to my msg James. I appreciate the insight. You are right he is extermely loyal and hard working. It certainly one of the things that i find attactive about him he like the engergize bunny. I have thought about your comments and how i can let him know that i just want be by his side and not asking for extra time. But it hard to get him to respond and acknowledge my words. I starting feel like im a nag and in his way. I said in my own way i understand and you do you and cos thats what gives you energy also makes me excited to hear about his day. I have tried to say that i got your back. But i am getting nothing. He gets in his head and that it. Shut down and goes in his hidy hole and doesnt respond. He is reading my msgs but he had it rough with his ex and he has alt to prove i just eant to be there to listen and support him. The last text i got a response was about me asking for help. That was 4 days ago. I not sure texting is helping. I dont understand why he stopped in the first place. Trying not to be disheartened but it very draining to feel like he doesn’t want me around xx