Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
It’s just a preview of the kind of advice and insights I offer.
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Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.
They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.
Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.
But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.
As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.
When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.
In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.
When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.
If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.
And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.
So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.
When you do that, two things happen.
First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.
He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.
And here’s the second thing that will happen.
You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.
And here’s the magic that seals the deal…
He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.
You will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.
What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.
Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.
Hi James,
I liked this guy and we looked at each other for a long time and then one day while we were hanging out he kissed me and then started what I thought was a hookup but apparently I did have feelings for him but was not ready to admit them and then I went away for a month and when I came back he called the whole thing off because he thought that it will be difficult if it didnt work out because we see each other everyday and while I understand what he meant I really think we had a connection and its not that you have it everyday and I want to explore it but he seems to scared to even try it. I don’t understand how could I pique his interest again and be with him.
That is a difficult scenario to be in. It really comes down to the depth of the feelings you have for each other.
How much are you willing to risk? Is it worth looking for another job if it didn’t work out? Is there a way the two of you could date each other just to learn how compatible you are without getting too intense and physically involved? In other words, could you take it slow and talk openly about how you will handle working together if you ultimately decide not to stay together?
Hi, James
I am stuck in a situation with a guy for 3 years. I love him and he knows clearly. But he said he likes me and he doesn’t want to lose me in life, but he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know if it will happen in the future.
At the same time, I know he have been texting the girl that he was falling in love with right before he met me 3 years ago. Until now, he still telling me that he doesn’t know if he still have the feelings for her or not, but he wants to find a way to prove what he feels to her inside of his heart. But at this moment, the girl is ignoring him, and he knows he is sad and want to try something to her.
During these 3 years, they’ve never stop texting, but met each other two times only, every time only for 2hours max. For food.
We are in long distance, but we do FaceTime everyday, I always worry soon or later he will have someone else or finally be together with the girl, and won’t do the same with me anymore.
I have the hope for him that someday he would realized the love for me, but lately I feel like I cannot have the hope anymore, cause he said the way that we see our relationship differently which made him feeling stress & by now he really doesn’t feel like he will have the love for me now or not sure in the future.
I really not sure what I should do, We kind of have a talk and promised we don’t talk about relationship stuff but just enjoy the moment, but then of course my mind cannot stop worrying that so soon his dream girl will be back and they are finally together. I don’t know what I should do now, I don’t want to leave him and of course I want to stay and create more with him and see what will lead is next. And I always believe he willl have the love for me once we create more, reach more dreams, go on more adventures together in life.
I would like to hear your professional advices. Thank you
I have been seeing a man for about three months everything was going well and then he called me and the WI-fi disconnected and the phone call dropped He accused me of hanging up on him I explained what happened and now he is not talking with me or answering a text. I have been getting the silent treatment. Is there any way to save this or should I just walk away?
He sounds pretty insecure! I’d give him a wide berth. Sounds like a game player to me.
Hi
I love this guy and he loves me too but his cousin told me that he’s cheating on me and from that time I can’t trust him even though he told me that he is innocent. I still have doubts. What do I do
Hi Ash. Sometimes my clients have found it helpful in these circumstances to make it a team effort. By that I mean you openly share with your boyfriend the desire you have to trust him more and the doubts that have blocked you from extending that trust. Ask him if he is willing to work with you to dispell your doubts. Then it doesn’t turn into a fight when you ask to see his phone or when you ask for the phone number of the girl he supposedly was cheating on. It can become a cooperative effort to build trust in the relationship again. If he seems to resist this process, then that could be your answer.
James
Hi James
He has given me his phone on numerous occasions but I couldn’t find anything. He’s very traditional. He’s not someone that is easy to approach. I even told him I heard a women’s voice and a child’s voice but he insisted that it was his neighbors
Hi James
I don’t know how to approach him. I have tried on numerous occasions. How do I figure this out
In most cases, the best way to start is with a desire. Express your desire to rebuild trust. Express it as something positive. Then paint a picture of the end goal…the result you both want to go after together. You can ask him to help you plan a way to go after that goal together. That’s what seems to work for many of my clients. Express a goal positively, then ask for help in reaching it. I hope that’s useful to you as you process your options for moving things forward and going for what you really want.
I need help with a 12 year old relationship. There is a lot of background to this story. Is there a way to get advice through messaging.
Hi Karen,
Absolutely! You can bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
The Irresistible Insiders Club will give you access to all of our Irresistible Insider reports and the Private Members Forum. James highly recommends using the private forum because you can get feedback from our relationship experts and other members.
We also add a new Irresistible Insiders report on the 15th of each month. These reports are great because they are very topic specific.
You can sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club here.
Best,
Tracey
Hey, I’ve done all this and lately all he seems to want is for me to send him sexy pics, what’s going on with him?
This is a great question, but it’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here:
beirresistible.com/members/irresistible-insiders-club
Like a lot of these situations, we met almost 4 months ago and it took off quickly spending lots of our time together. Everything seems to click that he was ready to meet my parents and children. However, I was a little unsure that it was too much too soon and I thought he agreed. He did meet my brother and best friend.
The strong feelings were definitely mutual. We talked about future He doesn’t have kids – wasn’t sure he needed to have his own bc mine seemed so great.(his word) We each had the occasional jealousy fit over nothing and moved on (at least I think so). Great stuff continued through Nov. I cared for him after minor surgery, we spent Christmas Eve and Xmas am together before I left to be with my kids and family out of town for a week.
When I returned, the sex stopped, he seemed a little distant.
When we spoke recently he explained he’s dealing with significant family issues -estate battle w estranged brother as both parents have deceased. He told me a long battle is winding down and needs to be focused on making sure it’s a good result esp to honor his moms memory.
While I understand the importance of his situation, I would have expected he’d want me there for more support and not pull back.
When he first pulled back, I sent a text that I was upset and done.
I apologized and thought it was better but he’s been inconsistent and still no sex.
Do I wait? Or am I waiting for nothing? Is there someone else?
Please help.
Hi I have dated this guy for 2 months and I have told him I liked him, twice but he has not said those words back to me. So I read about telling them how much you appreciate them . I just texted him what I appreciate, what if he doesn’t return a similar sentiment? What do I do?
Hey Tara. Most people find they do better in relationships by releasing control of future results and focusing entirely on the present moment. So if you’re with him, that would mean you get fully absorbed in experiencing things with him, noticing the color of his eyes, the breeze on your face, the ideas that spring to your mind, the people around you, the tone of voice he uses while speaking. And leave the future to the future. Don’t try to control it or live in anticipation of what’s coming next.
But what if you just texted him and he’s not right there with you? Same thing. Focus on the present moment. He’s not here, so you don’t need to think about what he might or might not do next. You’ll be more relaxed and confident in your relationship as you release control of results and focus more on enjoying whatever is good and worthy of your focus right here, right now. Trust yourself to know what to do when the future arrives.
Always on your side,
James
I been married 27 years my husband left me. We’ve been separate for two years but still see each other. He dates many other woman and acts like I never existed, ignores my calls and texts but still will come stay the night with me now and than. I love him and miss him I want him back but at the same time I don’t want him after everything he has done to me and all the woman he’s been with. What do I do?
Hi Tricia. You might find this mini report helpful. It’s all about what to do when you have feelings for a guy who really is wrong for you. https://beirresistible.com/members/library/irresistible-insight-1/learn-more/
And maybe also this one… How to Reset Your Past & Program a Fabulous Future
Hello.. I am always find is it possible to rebuilt the spark with someone live in other country?
I knew him since 3 years ago.
I met him once last year (maybe 1 week together), and I love how things goes with him, as he showed same interest.
He is such sunshine for me. So then I decide to meet him again for longer time.
After second meeting, But all sudden the way he communicate changed. He always rush to put our confo to an end. Saying hv to do this or that blabla.
Do u think the technique of secret obsession would help me with my case?
He told me he is not into long distance relationship. But trully is, neither do I. I will definitively move to his side one way or another if relationship is firmed. Thing is, he doesnt even know this and how would I told him this.. Or.. He is just not into me.
Hi I have a quick question.
The love has gone out of my relationship and he broke up with me bout a month ago now. We are still seeing each other like we are together but just no commitment.
The reason is I have changed because I’m not fun and adventurous and just seem to see all the negatives in him.
Because he is in massive debt. Never wants to commit to a full time job. And has now decided to move away 3 hours away, down south and just surf and chill with his friends. This has put a lot of stress on our relationship, cos I can’t get passed the debt and him not being mature and responsible. I want to settle down and he still wants to be adventurous. And don’t get me wrong I want to be fun and travel and experience life too. But he has just given up on everything. And all we seem to do now is argue and I cry and he tells me to leave or go away.
How do you overcome such big important issues? I have tried so hard to support him and encourage him. Please help!
Well, the tips are good, but with me another problem is decisive. My boyfriend is self-employed and has been worrying about money for a long time. This has led to the fact that he is now also physically very badly affected and very often in a bad mood.
I fell in love with him almost 3 years ago because he was so cheerful, enjoyed life to the full and was simply authentic and open. Meanwhile (as already mentioned) he is mostly ill, tired, in a bad mood or has to work at home until late at night. We have been living together for about 1 year, but have hardly any sex with each other. I have already tried quite a lot and am now helpless and about to throw everything away. My partner says that he can’t give me what I need because he can’t even look at himself at the moment. In my opinion he has a big psychological problem, but he doesn’t want to admit it. His body is on strike, he is always tired and in pain. Although he is a carpenter, this is not normal. And even if I do my best to give him a pleasant atmosphere at home and to welcome him warmly, he notices this, but he doesn’t care, because he can’t get involved with it.
He tells me that he loves me and that he needs me. And I notice that he needs me, because I do everything for him. I throw the whole household while I work 50% in the office, teach 2 German classes, write my dissertation etc. and also look at the dog he so eagerly wished for! To be honest, I am broken. I have no more strength to be there for him, because nothing comes from him — because he says it can’t be done, because he can’t even look at himself. My needs are not so important almost since the beginning of our relationship 2 years and 2 months ago, because what counts is him and his problems. I’ve reached the point where I can’t see the things about him that I fell in love with anymore because they just aren’t there anymore. He tries to be nice with me now and then, but that’s just not enough for me anymore. What I once found irresistible is simply no longer there, even if he assures me that he loves me and needs me. To be honest, I just haven’t moved out yet because I live with him and have a cat and a dog together. If I still had my apartment (which I gave up for him last April), I would probably part at this time, because I simply have no more strength to fight alone for our relationship and the things, with which I once fell in love, simply no longer exist.
Hello, I was married for 52 years, yes to the same man. When I was not happy with him I would make a list divided in two columns. On one side all the good things about him and you guessed it on the other side what you dislike. If the good outweighs the bad then you need to quit thinking about that and think about the good. Make you appreciate him again. Try my system and see what you come up with. Wish you well!
Hi James,
thank you for all the advice above. I am dating again, after my divorce 3 years ago. I have met a nice guy and we seem to like each other. He lives in another city (about 1 hour away). I don´t want him to think I am needy when I ask him when we will see each other again (Right now we only meet on Weekends). It is me always asking. Can you give me some advice in how to ask him or tell him I want to spend more time with him without sounding so needy?
Thank you,
Amanda
Hi Amanda,
Welcome to the community! There are two reports I want to suggest to you. The first is called: The SAFE Method to Talk about Touchy Subjects and the second is: He Loves Me But He Is Too Busy.
I believe the advice in these two reports will help you find a way to communicate your needs in a loving and constructive way that is not at all needy.
Best wishes,
Tracey T.
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Everything was good at first, we both worked really hard for each other and made an effort to see each other and really connect when we did. The first serious problem started when we went for holiday and I noticed the way he stared at girls. It was like an owl moving its head around 360 degrees to follow almost every girl he saw. I got annoyed as I felt disrespected and I tried to explain nicely to him that it bothers me. His answer was that he’s curious and just looking but he’s still holding my hand and going home with me.
We encounter small problems here and there but usually manage to solve it. It has been a few months but I noticed a change in his behavior like he’s not loving/warm anymore. He doesn’t hold me or give me kisses, doesn’t say he loves me. I can see him trying hard to control his irritation when I say something wrong or give the wrong answer. He plays on his phone all the time, ignores me, stares at girls, smokes a lot etc.
I was upset about the way he treated me that I cried while talking to him. He says it’s all in my head but I can see the huge difference in treatment. I talked to him a few times to the point I gave up because he gets annoyed when I ask too much. He says I don’t respect him because I don’t listen when he says there’s nothing wrong.
Not sure what I did to make him put a huge wall. I am giving him space now by just talking when he messages me. We just came back from 2 weeks of holiday but I don’t feel connected at all. I am not sure if he plans to break it off or waiting for something better to come along.
Please James, if you could help me to make this work or if you have any advice for me, I am so lost.
Hi Lana,
In reading your post I am reminded of a few articles that James has shared with his readers that touches on these topics. I want you to read them and try to find ways to incorporate his advice into your relationship. The first one talks about the stages every relationship goes through: The 5 Stages of a Relationship. Since your boyfriend brought up respect this next article can give you tips on how to show him respect in a way that he will see and appreciate it: When You Can’t Respect the Man You Love, Try These 3 Tips. And the last article I want you to read gives advice on the things all relationships need to thrive: The 5 Things Your Relationship Needs To Thrive. I truly hope these help.
Best wishes,
Tracey T.
Thank you so much Tracey.
I will have a look at the links and try to implement them.
We were friends for 10yrs, he moved to a different country and disconnected for 6yrs, when we communicated again we decided to meet and see if something would start to bloom and it was amazing. We began a relationship, long distant but as we agreed for a while till we move either to my country or his.. suddenly while talking he said I’m not ready for commitment and want to stay single.. it’s been 10 days now since we last talked.. I miss him and I put a lot of high hopes and expectations that it will work..
Thanks James. I’m having issues related to everything you said and I think what you said will be helpful.
That must be frustrating. Are you saying he asked to see you but then blocked your messages before you could arrange a time to meet?
My situation is that I have been with him for 8 yrs. We lived together as husband and wife, he added me to his insurance (medical and auto). He trusted me with his check book and his credit and debit cards. He even put me as a beneficiary on his life insurance. He and I were each other’s best friend, lover and partner all that time. Then he comes up one day says that he never loved me and that he found out his high school sweet heart lives in Alabama and that he still loves her. He treated me like a queen before he found that out. I mean he was very good to me and then all of a sudden he changed to someone I don’t know. But just recently he started calling me a couple of times just to talk. How do I get the man I love back?
Hi Leigh Ann. This is a great question, but it’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here:
beirresistible.com/members/irresistible-insiders-club
Hi. I was just thinking about somethings you said and I have a question. How do you get the man you’ve been in love with for many years to really notice you. I’ve written to him, not sure if he even read my letter. We engage in brief conversation on Instagram. What do you say to a strong willed man, that will make him feel for me and notice me?
Interesting questions, Morressa. Now I have a question for you…
What is it about this man that makes him so special to you?
Does he know that you see him in that way? I mean, does he understand the very specific things that you see in him that make you like him above other men?
If a woman spoke of me the way you speak of this man, I can tell you I would take notice. So I wonder if he knows what you see in him.
Lately I’ve been pondering the way the people around us can have an effect on our strength, resilience, compassion, and even deeper aspects of our being. But if he doesn’t know you’re that kind of person who sees the best in him and wants to draw it out, you could just be another face in the crowd.
Always on your side,
James
Thank you for the advise I have started using it because I’m experiencing this shut out problem with my boyfriend and it’s gotten to the point where I am ready to let it all go. So tonight I’m about to sit him down and have this conversation.