Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
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Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.
They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.
Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.
But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.
As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.
When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.
In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.
When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.
If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.
And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.
So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.
When you do that, two things happen.
First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.
He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.
And here’s the second thing that will happen.
You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.
And here’s the magic that seals the deal…
He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.
You will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.
What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.
Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.
I recently bought your course but a part of me is struggling with it. I’d known my partner for 3 months. We met while I was travelling and studying overseas. We were absolutely in love and then covid happened and we have both returned to our home countries, and we have so much distance between us now. Your insights are wonderful but how to I apply them to a long distance relationship? Also with borders closed we may not be able to reunite till 2021. I feel such sadness and although we usually get on really well, this fact that we may be a part for such a long time makes us both feel like our hope and dreams are on hold. He has seemed more distant lately and I don’t know what can help to keep us connected. I feel like I keep trying but sometimes I get the impression he is distracted and may even be emotionally cheating on me with other women. Please help. Thank you.
My relationship has been going on for about a year now and I know I really love him, the problem is he is a widow of 4.5 years now and he still can’t stop thinking of his wife. I’ve been patient and have loved spending time with him and getting to know his children, which are all older. I’ve tried the program and I know he has feelings for me and sometimes it feels like it works and then he pulls away. I’m beyond frustrated and feel like I’m never gonna be good enough…………..what more can I do?
Hi Rebecca. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but the attachment he feels to his late wife is actually a good sign. Most men struggle with the opposite problem– too little attachment. Too little invested in their romantic relationship. They say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. The attachment he built with his wife indicates he is capable of building that kind of attachment with you.
You might consider that this is not actually a problem. If you can reframe it as something that is perfectly natural and good, then it does not need to be something that comes between the two of you. Help him to honor his late wife by remembering her and being open to talking about her. But also talk openly with him about about what she would want for him now that she is gone.
You may find that it opens his heart to realize he does not honor his late wife by feeling miserable or closing down on new relationships, as that is not what she would want for him. She wants her man to live life to the fullest and to be happy, and to embrace love even though he misses her.
Time is on your side. If you let it be your ally, this relationship could yet become more beautiful by the year.
Hi Rebecca, your story moved me a lot. I was in a similar situation as yours. I met a man who lived in my area and we started dating frequently. He mentioned from the very beginning that his wife passed away just several months prior we met. He was acting just like you described your man. He was loving me first, then pulling away from me, coming back for more love and pulling away again. I new he was missing his late wife and started feeling like he was comparing me to her, and I was not as perfect as she was. Whatever she did during her long life with him (they lived 33 years together) was outstanding. I was telling him that all good things about us, how we can built a life together. But the reality was he never overcame his loss, I was not great enough for him, he wasn’t ready to introduce me to his family members, etc. Finally after 3 and a half years with this man, trying to build the relationship, I gave up on the idea and walked away from him for good.
I am telling you the truth from the bottom of my heart, that people like my ex boyfriend or yours have such a deep emotional trauma from the loss of the spouse that they are NEVER able to recover and start a new family with another woman. They instinctively were trying to replace the person they lost, but came to realization, no one is able to be good enough replacement for them.
My advice for you, take a good care of yourself, start living your own life and stop being a replacement to what does not exist. Run as soon as you can from this dead end situation and look for yourself. There are plenty of good man around, who are desperate to have a new relationship and start a new family with a good woman like you. Stop wasting your life and energy and your heart on the man who is so damaged inside, so NO WOMAN is able to help him. Until this man gets a professional help from the counselling and working on his emotional trauma with a doctor, you are not able to do this job for him. But very likely he is in denial of this problem and would rather blame you or other people not able to understand him completely.
In many cases man prefer to start drinking to numb the pain instead of looking for real help. My ex boyfriend became a closet alcoholic soon after the loss of his wife. I discovered it a few years later, after we started living under same roof, preparing to get married. He never was ready to marry me, so I left him and moved away.
I know, every story is unique, but there are some similarities in the situation in general. I wish You to realize that Your life is more important then any broken-in-heart man. Safe Your heart from being broken! Leave him to his sad memories and don’t support his desire to compare you to the dead wife. Don’t let him drug you to this dead end of relationship. Find the way to enjoy the life without him. Have the power by walking away first, don’t wait till he points to the door and asks you to leave him. I was in this position and it is Not a good place to be. I wish you all the best in life and stay protected from broken relationship.
I am so lost I have been living apart with my now ex for 4 years due to work and kids. I have tried so many times to be with him and rekindle our relationship. We were together for 20 years. We had a fight and for 6 months now he moved to a different town. He only told me about 2 months ago it was over. I want to get back what we had however he has started talking to his ex before me and possibly started a new relationship with her. He is completely ignoring me what can I do. He means the world to me.
Hi Simone,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey
Hi James
I don’t know what to do. I am in a relationship now for 7 months and it seems to be going no where! I truly love him and he says he love me but I made a mistake 1 month in to the relationship, I was seeking advice from a ex! I have low self esteem and now that keeps getting us fighting! I’m trying to let him see me, but it still feels he ain’t seeing me? I don’t know how to reconnect us! I don’t want to loose him! I can’t go through this again. I lost my ex because he slept around, because I pushed him away! Please James I don’t know what to do I really don’t want to loose him
I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year. He and I went to school together. He said he loved me back then but never told me. Well here we are now and he’s pulled away and says I’m too kind to people. I’m the same person yet he’s accusing me of changing. Things were great in the beginning. He couldn’t see me enough but now I hardly see him at all. I tell him I need him and tells me I don’t. I say I want to see him and he asks why. Help. I really love him.
Hello James,
I am learning now that my boyfriend leaving was mainly from fear. He experienced a traumatic childhood and he is afraid of ending up like his mom and step dad – which would never happen, but I understand his fear as I used to experience the same thing with my parents. I want to support him through working through this, he has expressed he is ready to come home but I am still feeling he is only 75% ready and 25% still scared. Can you provide some insight on a good way to approach supporting him without him feeling like he is being attacked? He is not good at communicating his feelings, in fact he runs from them. Thanks!
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years, but unfortunately last year we broke up because he is having a baby with another lady. Now he is telling me that he is not happy and wants to be with me, but to be honest I don’t trust him what am I suppose to do?
Follow your intuition, Margaret. And remember that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If you were to start over…go back in time four years, would you get into a relationship with this man knowing what you now know about him?
Thanks James, that is an honest truth.
Hi- I am so lost where to even begin. High School is where we meet and I was in love.. Brown curly hair, brown eyes and omg hottie. Well of course we went different ways, different marriages, kids and divorces. But for some ungodly reason in those years we always found our way to each other. Now 30 plus years later here we are again except I felt his love for the 1st time for real and that was 6 months ago.. he said this time we were seriously going to do this and now it seems like he’s not. Some days I hear nothing then he calls for me to come stay the night. I m trying so hard not to give but I can’t do it. Help me !!! How do I get him to be serious about us
I’ve been dating a man and during the 1st cpl weeks said the nicest (even surprising) things. Like the times ‘been magical’, I even tried hard to not reciprocate too soon, but I didn’t want to be fake.
He came out and said he didn’t want a relationship.. He is the one that brought up such related comments to the contrary in the beginning.
The next day I brought some things up and he said ‘you’re ok’ a few times and that he(we) aren’t sleeping w other ppl..
He didn’t call or text me after work and I was supposed to go over. Is there hope?
Hey Jennifer. In these early stages of a relationship there is always hope available to those who seek it. But I understand the real question you are getting at is this…
“Given his recent behavior, should I continue to pursue him all-out while risking my heart in the process?”
And while only you can answer that question, here’s something to consider…
The future of a new relationship depends on feelings rather than on verbalized commitments or stated intentions. If he feels deeply connected with you, his vision for what he hopes for in the future changes in tandem with those feelings.
The more we obsess about where things are going, the less fun we are as a partner. The less we bring of our true, present, vibrant selves in each experience of the relationship as it unfolds moment by moment.
I feel like any of my trying the 6steps is futile bc my ex has actually moved on to another female….
I feel like I don’t have the time to go through the steps…
So I did a jolt and did the pitch option….the reply was “this is too much”
I text again day later; and did another jolt….the reply was “this is long! i can’t read this now. Later”
It’s been 6hrs and no reply 🙁
Hey Angelina. The steps go in order for a reason. That final jolt rarely works on its own.
I understand why you feel like rushing to the end given that you seem him moving on with another woman, but if there is a chance for the two of you, it may still be worth slowing down and going through the 6 steps. But generally, after a rebuff like this it’s best to wait a few weeks, then start with step 1.
Started dating 4 months ago. Completely fell both of us. Fast connection. Love love love. Him first then me. Suddenly 1 week ago he gets a little distant & stops answering text and wont reply to calls/texts. Says he needs some time, a bit stressed. I give him 1 week. No call no text. I reach out with very light back & forth niceties. As soon as I bring up us- he goes quiet. Won’t talk about it. Won’t tell me what is wrong. So from close daily talks & texts now nothing?
Hi JT,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Met my current Boyfriend on line almost 3months ago, the connection, the vibe, the intensity and bond We felt, I’ve never felt with anyone else.
We talked deeply about the future and He made me imagined been a wife, the mother to his children and the sheer thought of imagining what beautiful human being we will make and experiencing the pregnancy and birth of an addition to the family, bonding culture, taking him home to meet my family, experiencing my culture, his two teen daughters bonding with their new sibling, We taking off on mini vacation and all things I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else and I couldn’t be more ready to start this journey with him but interestingly since we met, He has not taking me over to his home or to meet his daughters.
He planned and invited me to a dinner with his Dad and to meet his daughter but then on the day of those engagements he kept texting how extremely busy He was and the weekend came and passed He never showed up. I am aware that he’s a federal agent and his schedule can be very fluid but I was deeply disappointed that he didn’t follow through with his own plans. When I expressed myself and told him I felt played, instead of acknowledging my feelings, he became extremely defensive and said he’s ferrous that I would think he’s playing with me. I ended up apologizing instead and this happened two weeks ago, ever since then everything has slowed down between Us, the spike is gone, then on last Saturday he stopped by unannounced with flowers 💐 and we talked. I thought he would make another suggestion on Us doing something else to compensate for him not following through with the plans but he has said absolutely nothing in that regard and everything is so stiff and dry nowadays.
Lastly, He never ever wants Us to talk on the phone or video chat, We only talk when we meet in person but our only form of interaction and conversation is through texting.
I am so confused right now, I just don’t know what to do. Will really appreciate feedback from others to help me decode what could possibly be going on he. Thanks so much
Dear JT,
Yes, men act this way pretty often. When he realises you are totally his and not going anywhere he loses his interest and goes to find another object. Men are hunters, as soon as they feel you can escape from them the interest is still there. So, my advice to you would be to leave this man alone and live your life like he does not exist. There is No Way to find the reason Why he is acting this way, because he does not know it for himself. This is male nature leads them in life, nothing else. Find new activities and meet new people online or in person, if you can. Keep yourself busy with helping those who need your attention and would appreciate your time and kindness more than this guy. He might come back to you after a while not hearing from you just being curious what is keeping you busy and not contacting him for so long. You may respond to him that he was not interested and you lost your interest in him. Be strong, don’t show the sign of feelings for him. It will help yo to save your face and become a stronger person by showing this individual that NOTHING can stop you from living your life and being happy with him or without. Men take it a sigh of a strong woman, who can take care of herself and appreciate this quality a lot.The secret is to keep your kindness in words and softness in your voice, when he calls and start a conversation. Do not call him or text him first any more. It is totally Up To Him to contact you and reconnect.
I am sure, you can handle it further without anyone telling you what to do. Good luck to you, girl. I am with you in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve dated a guy for 5 yrs. On Valentine’s Day he text me how much fun he had dancing with all the single ladies, how much they loved his lead & it was so worth going without me??I was sick & couldn’t go. I was hurt & let him know. He hasn’t talked to me in over a month.
Hi James.
I am in a dead marriage for years, we got separated but agreed to stay in the same house for our two kids who are teens now.
My issue is I fell in love with another (married) man a year and a half ago. He too is suffering in his own marriage and cant least because of his three young boys. We are so in love and spent so many wonderful times together while still supporting each other to get through our painful marriages. But last December he broke my heart by saying accidently that he is a committed husband. I over reacted and stopped talking to him and then we started fighting. I told him the reason why I agreed to be in a relationship with him is because I am not a committed wife and am separated. After many weeks of distancing ourselves from each other we both agreed that we want to be in each others’ lives and that we cant live without each other. Right now I am so confused, I cant leave him, but also we know we cant be just friends. How do we stay together? What do I do? Do I try to win him back hoping that one day his marriage will end? I know he loves me so much and he said to me many times that I am one of a kind and everything that he ever wanted. We are soul mates, its so obvious, he is everything I ever wanted and more, its as if he was tailor made for me. What do I do?