Hey, it’s James again. Here’s day 2 of your 14 day attraction tips course.
It’s just a preview of the kind of advice and insights I offer.
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Today I’m going to remind you of something you already know. Something important but easily forgotten. Something that tugs at a man’s heart.
They are the things that make you smile when you think of him. The things that made you fall in love with him.
They were there when you first met him. That’s why you said yes when he asked you out.
They are the things hidden in his heart that you admire, appreciate and trust. It’s a beautiful thing when you first recognize those gems in his character.
Basically, that’s what falling in love is. It’s seeing into another person’s heart and desiring what you find there.
But then you hit a snag.
When we first begin a relationship with someone, we’re attracted to the possibility of what the relationship could become. It’s an exciting new adventure.
As that possibility becomes a reality, it’s intoxicating… for a while. And then the intoxication seems to fade.
Usually, it fades for one person sooner than it does for the other person. And it fades because you get used to the things that initially made your partner seem special.
When that magical feeling becomes an everyday feeling, it’s easy to stop looking for potential in your partner. Instead, you fixate on the ways he’s different from you, the things you don’t like. And you can easily forget all about the things that initially attracted you to him.
In a long-term relationship, it’s normal for the feelings of infatuation to come and go. When feelings of infatuation are low, you stop fixating on the things you find attractive about him. You see him as a normal person. The sense that he’s “perfect” reveals itself to be an illusion.
When that illusion breaks, the magic withers and some relationships die.
If that’s happened to you, I have some good news. Recovering that special connection isn’t all that difficult.
If you want the best relationship possible, in the beginning and for the long-haul, take this advice. Keep on looking for the qualities in him you most enjoy, desire and respect. Finding them once isn’t enough. Trust me, if you don’t keep looking for them, you’ll forget about them.
And then something terrible happens. Problems become the focus of the relationship. And that slowly poisons the magic of your romantic connection.
So never stop looking for what’s good in the relationship, and in him. Search the mind and heart of your partner diligently and often. And when you see something beautiful in him, acknowledge it out loud. Let him know you appreciate him.
When you do that, two things happen.
First, as you rediscover the things in him that resonate with you, you’ll feel the electric excitement of possibility all over again. You’ll feel alive. You’ll feel desire, and you’ll want to follow that feeling on a journey that brings you closer to him again and again.
He’ll sense that positive energy in you and be attracted to it.
And here’s the second thing that will happen.
You’ll also be encouraging him to show you more of the qualities that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Usually, those are the same qualities that make him feel happy and fully alive. So it’s like you bring out the best in him when you look for what you like.
And here’s the magic that seals the deal…
He will like the version of himself that he finds in your presence. And that will make him want to spend more time with you.
You will essentially reawaken and reinforce the special qualities that cause attraction between the two of you.
If you do this from the beginning of a relationship, you’ll not only keep the flames of passion burning hot, but you’ll build a more solid foundation, as well.
What it comes down to is this. No matter how strong the initial magic feels, loving someone is a choice. So choose to love the best you can find in him. Don’t let frustration or setbacks become the focus of your attention.
Everything you fell in love with is still there, hidden in his heart. Seek it out, and never stop telling him what you find.
Hi James,
I have been in a long distance relationship this past year. Everything came together organically and has been amazing.
We were committed, communicated our feelings regularly and established our plan for the future and how dedicated we were to making it work. We even acknowledged we would have challenges but established our willingness to work through them.
He recently came for a visit which was good but I felt this distance from him the whole time. I asked about it and he kept telling me it was nothing and we are good and he’s happy.
He then went back home and called to tell me it wasn’t the same ‘vibe’ as the last visit but couldn’t articulate why. He then said he didn’t want to continue on to find out the next visit it was still off and have to pretend.
He did a complete 180 of being all in and actively making steps to physically be together and communicate through issues to shutting me out and running away.
I have to let him go as trying to hold onto him won’t help. What else could I do?
Thanks
Hi James,
I was dating a a man for 2 months we put all our feelings on the table since we have known each other for 15 yrs and have tried to connect 4 to 5 times before. He suddenly quit talking then and said I should not be attracted to him, I cant imagine the mess his life is, and I would be better off to move on. Why does this sound like a cry for help?
I have been divorced from my ex for 5 yrs, now and I still would like to re-kindle our relationship because we have children who still love him and want to see more of him
not just chatting on the phone only.
How can I change the way that we are communicating?
Hi so I’ve been sad constantly and my bf broke up with me because I was sad constantly and sometimes upset and I still love him and I want him back. He’s the only man I want in my life and how do I win him back?
I have a different situation. My husband is in his 40’s and grew up without a father. Since I got to know him, which is more than 16 years now already, he was always singling out teenage boys to build relationships with them, I think its to make up for that relationship he never had with his dad, he craves that kind of relationship. And unfortuantely they always tend to use him for his money and what he can do for them. For almost 2 years now he has been growing closer to this introverted boy that could hardly speak out loud. He is a teacher and the boy is one of his scholars, the principle actually makes jokes about it and says hs is a father to many kids, especially boys. A few months back I accidently saw messages on my husbands phone, where he says he is so excited that this boy lives nearby, his heart is in his throat, he is so excited and he loves him so much. I confronted him about it and he made it out to be nothing, they were just playing games. After that my trust was broken in my husband. I continuelly see I love you messages between the two of them and that they support each other and are there for each other and I can see the relationship is growing deeper. I have banned this boy from my house, because it seems my husband is obsessed with this father-son relationship they have. He will go out of his way for this boy, he calls him everyday and they send messages everyday and love declarations and support declarations and how happy they make each other, I dont even get that treatment after just 4 years of marriage. I am wrong in feeling jealous here? and that my husband is emotionally cheating on me?
My husband doesnt bring up his name near me anymore or brings him over to study, he will just disapear and I know he will be with this boy.
Hi, Lizzy. You’re asking us if you are wrong to feel jealous, but perhaps there’s a more important question to ask.
Feelings (including jealousy) emerge from our interpretation of events and the story we tell ourselves about what things mean. It seems the story operating in your mind right now is that your husband loves this boy more than he loves you.
I wonder if your husband believes that too. If he does, then he would ultimately choose to continue the relationship with the boy over you if it came down to that. But my guess is that he has a different story running in his mind. Probably something like, “I love my wife, and while I don’t understand why my connection with this boy bothers her, I guess I’ll have to hide it from her to avoid hurting her feelings.”
The most important question right now is this: “What story is your husband telling himself right now about what all this means?” Sometimes people assume everyone else sees the world and events the same way. We rarely do. Get him talking. Discover what he believes is happening (even if it doesn’t match with what you believe is happening). That’s the starting point for healing and getting back on the same team.
I had a close male friend, He was doing the same thing. He was gay and he was grooming these young men. Of course they took advantage of him. You might consider this as difficult as it is to consider.
Hi James, I’ve been with this man for almost 2 years now and we love time together, live close to each other and just spent 5 months together in Florida and love each other. He knows I’m looking for marriage but recently said he doesn’t want to marry anyone, just BE with someone, we’re both in our early 70’s but young looking. Both been married before with grown kids. Am I wrong to want this kind of commitment?
Hi James.
I’ve been reading your Hero Instinct about how to reconnect with my ex boyfriend. When we were together I felt very happy. I loved doing things together etc. but in the last year of our two year relationship he started pulling away. He became very sick( I actually saved his life when I took him to the hospital otherwise he most likely would have passed away that night) As a result he quit drinking. By November he asked me to take the rest of my things home. By the first week in January he told me there was someone else. However, this other girl he has wanted for years now but she doesn’t see him that way. He even told me when we first started talking that it would never work between them because he is old enough to be her father. I have told him how I feel which at this point was a mistake. He said to make him miss me. This alone is killing me because I want to see him/call him. But haven’t since the end of January. He said she is confused about this but yet doesn’t want anyone all in the same breath. His last kiss that day was very passionate and had a lot of meaning. So I guess my question is what should I do? Should I give up and let “her” win or wait for him to come to his senses? He knows I’ve been the best one he’s ever had. He even told his mother he’s knows this. I’m afraid the longer I wait to talk to him the more distance there is and he will never want me even as a friend
Thank you!
Thanks James I enjoyed reading it ☺️
Hi James-
Coincidentally enough, I am dating a guy named James lol. We have been together for five months, taking things very slow (which I am just fine with) as he just got divorced last year. I feel like our relationship has shifted the past few weeks where we have been closer, and he’s been there for me more. We aren’t exclusively boyfriend and girlfriend to the public yet, but we are to each other (I am only seeing him and he only sees me), we have been keeping things private between the two of us. So we haven’t met each other’s friends or family yet. Again, I am totally fine with that too, as I came out of a bad relationship last year, and don’t want to rush anything either. But I feel like there has been a lack of intimacy, or at least he holds back I think. He is a bit shy about kissing, like sometimes he will start to, but then pulls away before some making out happens. I read the hero instinct the other day, and I tried out one of the texts. Well it worked super well, communication and understanding is certainly not lacking. But I definitely want to try to light a fire on the passion thing. I know we are taking things slow because he is afraid of getting hurt, etc. But we will have some really great moments, but I can tell he holds back. So just wanted some advice on that. Other then that he is an amazing guy, is always there for me, we have great connection, etc. And I am not trying to push or rush things, but not sure if I should have an open conversation about it yet, I don’t want to scare him away. And I am trying to ask him for help on things, show him how much I appreciate it him, etc. Anyway, thank you for your time!
Hi James…
NEVER EVER did I think my husband’s depression would lead to separation, but alas here we are, after 20 years of marriage.. 2 children.. he wants space to work it out on his own etc…I believe he wants to work on us.. after he ‘works out himself’
I want to support him … so that’s his goal or mission, but I don’t know how to bring him back as he doesn’t want me help….?
We currently live in different states… and I tell him how awesome he is with what he is doing in current projects…
I am confused as to how to use your tools through this time. Please help
Leah
Hi Leah,
Thanks so much for your comment! Your situation sounds complicated and I feel like you’d greatly benefit from being a part of our community and some back and forth consultation. I recommend that you bring it up in our private forum where we have actual relationship coaches on staff to answer questions and give advice. To access this forum, you would need to sign up for the Irresistible Insiders Club.
Within this private community, you can also ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women and our most advanced members. This way you can get extra real-time feedback and support for your unique situation.
Warm wishes,
Tracey T.
Dear Mr. James
What do I do if my husband has left me because he had an affair? I caught him by surprise that I knew so he just walks out and has not returned. He is currently living with the woman with which he was having the affair. As far as I know, the affair only was since October but he walked out December 22, 2020. It hasn’t been too long and I thought therapy would help. But he told the therapist he does not want a divorce, he does not want temporary or permanent separation papers filed and he didn’t know that in SC adulterers have to pay alimony for as much as 1/2 their income. And seeing as we are both disabled he makes 3x’s more than me. Its only been 1 day since therapy and now he’s called me 2 times. What should I be considering as my options? We have been married for 32 years and 2 boys and 2 grandsons later what do I do? This is our first time in the 32 yrs being separated.
James,
I have just recently begun reading The Hero Instinct(love it). I have been with my husband 15 years now, married for 6. I was in a job that took all of my time and energy for 4 years. During that time I pushed him away to go enjoy his life even though I was hating mine. I have since quit that job… but now his feelings towards me have “changed.” He has gotten the sense for freedom and doesn’t want to come back… during that time he also begun talking to someone else. I am at a loss for what to do.
Hi Sandy. Glad to hear you are learning from the Hero Instinct course!
As you apply what you learn, think about the sections that talk about his mission, and how to channel the existing flow of his motivation (to be on a mission) toward a mission that supports your relationship.
In practical terms, this means leaving the door open a crack so he hears you struggling inside and becomes curious about what’s wrong and how he might help. That’s in contrast to what you may have been doing recently (no fault of yours…we all get too comfortable in our relationships) where you walk up to him and point at the door and ask him to go in there to fix some things for you.
In other words, you want it to feel to him as if it was his idea to fix something.
So here’s a tiny step for you if you like the idea. Think of five ways you could invite him to “fix” the tiniest little thing (start small). Pick the best of the five ideas. Find a creative way to let him discover the problem on his own. Watch his hero instinct light up.
Rinse and repeat for a while before moving on to bigger asks… like fixing the relationship itself.
James
Hi James,
I’m married but my husband wants out of the relationship. We have two children. He comes in every night, provides for the children but does not talk to me or pay me any mind. He’s very disrespectful towards me and tries to paint a bad picture of me to and in front of the children. He acts and treats me as his enemy. I don’t know what has changed.
Hey James, I’m not sure what I feel right now, something feels off.
The man I’m dating has changed his behavior towards me.
He feels more distant, and quiet.
It worries me ’cause this isn’t the first time we have dated, and last time did not end well so I’m getting scared.
plz help me!!
He Sera. Sometimes we want to pursue intimacy when a partner pulls away like that. And sometimes men (who might just need a bit of space) respond by pulling away even more or (worst case) being cold in an attempt to make you want to give him space. Guys who lack good communication skill about senstive emotional topics sometimes do this in a maladaptive attempt to avoid asking for space.
This may be the type of situation where you get the best result by doing nothing at all, other than getting your need for closeness met with friends while you wait for him to sort out whatever is going on in his head.
Hi James, I’ve been married for 28 years to a amazing man and a wonderful father of 3. We are currently empty nesters. I’ve found an Instagram hookup on his phone also lots of women on Facebook. I have no idea who they are. We’ve talked about all this and he denies the hook up!! We’re going through therapy. He’s deleted all his social media which I’m very thankful for but I’m still struggling. It’s been 6 months and I just feel like the honesty is gone .. everyone says it’s just a season, it will take time to heal. He is trying but I feel one step forward and 2 steps back. Will he ever tell me the truth?? How long will this season last? Thank you
Hi, Rae. That sounds like a difficult situation. The two of you have built your lives around each other and I understand why this hurts so much.
If you value the relationship, make sure the problems don’t become the exclusive focus of your interactions. Ironically, he is more likely to open up if you crank up the warmth of the fire keeping your cabin warm instead of trying to plug all the little holes where the heat leaks out.
In other words, focus on what’s beautiful, right, and worth building on in your relationship. Make time for healing and asking the hard questions, but don’t make that the focus of your relationship or it will surely die.
After confirming he is finished is there any hope he’ll change & want to
rekindle?
Hi James, I am an older woman and not interested in playing games. I want my relationship to be honest and open. Unfortunately my “love interest” is not always honest with me, he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. I tell him he can be honest with me and not to worry if it is something that might upset me I would rather hear the truth and work on it from there. We do have honest talks mostly done on my part and he agrees with me. I have known him for 30+ years so he and I do know each other pretty well. His wife died last year and we just recently reconnected. He knows I am here for him to help him through whatever he may need and he knows I love him. I am trying to be patient with him and give him the space he needs. He wants our relationship to continue (yes it has been physical) but he really makes no other effort than that. I find myself to be the one who reaches out with a call or a text to see how he is doing and frankly just to hear his voice and talk. We do make each other laugh and things seem to go well then it will be days before I hear from him again (unless I reach out). I ask him to let me know if this relationship is too much for him. I told him I won’t give up on him as he has said he doesn’t want “us” to end things. I know you have a lot of advice for the benefit of the man as far as sparking the flames again, how about us women?
Hi Denice. That’s an interesting situation. It seems there are some things you are enjoying about the relationship, though you probably wouldn’t continue with the relationship if you knew it would never improve from its current state where you carry most of the burden for reaching out to invest emotionally in the relationship.
It seems you are well aware that a grieving widow is not necessarily going to respond with the same level of emotional engagement and energized excitement as someone who has been searching for a decade for a person to build a romance with. Nonetheless, I can understand why you are eager to see things balance out so that you’re not the only one working to build something beautiful together.
Fortunately, this is one of those situations where time is on your side. The grieving will gradually decline even if not in a steady or linear progression (there will be ups and downs). For that reason, many people in these types of situations find it useful to focus on what is enjoyable in the relationship right now, allowing less of your attention and focus to dwell on what could be or what may yet come as the relationship improves in the future.
It’s basically that old adage, “a watched pot never boils,” but in this case applied to a relationship situation. The more we focus on what is beautiful and good right now, the more it brings out the best in us, while simultaneously reducing the angst we feel about having to wait for a better future.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
I’m dating a man who has a 10 year old daughter and split fully from his ex-wife in March (they divorced in 2018 and got back together and split several times), this time he says it’s for good. It was amazing, we’ve been dating 2 and a half months, then we had a conversation about a relationship; he said he isn’t ready because he’s very worried how his daughter would react to it and also because he hasn’t been single that long is confused as to whether he wants another relationship. He asked me to wait; I said I would keep seeing him. Then this week I expressed a little bit of unhappiness at us not spending as much time together as I would like and he kind of freaked out and said said he didn’t want commitment right now. We’ve seen each other since and had a great time. I’m just confused; is he being sincere with me or is he genuinely just scared? I don’t want him to lose interest in me and I don’t want to scare him away!
Zoe, two and a half months is a very short period of time. You guys are just beginning this relationship.
In situations like these, some people find it useful to let time answer your question. With time, his actions will speak louder than words and you’ll know whether he is looking for ways to adapt so he can be close to you or if he is just saying something to keep you around with no intention of building toward something lasting and beautiful.
Keep in mind, a good father is going to have some fear about how this kind of relationship may impact his daughter’s well-being. Instead of seeing that issue as an enemy to compete with, become his ally. Talk openly with him about this fear and become his confidante and the person he can brainstorm with about how to protect his daughter’s well-being while still building a good relationship with you. Then you’ve aligned yourself instead of competing with the energy that is already driving his actions.
Thanks for your reply James, unfortunately he broke it off with me yesterday. He was ill, didn’t sound good at all, had been very distant this week and avoiding me almost then told me that he couldn’t explain why as he very much enjoyed all the time we spent together but he just needs to be alone and isn’t ready for a relationship. He didn’t know if it was anything I’ve done, doesn’t know how long he’s felt like that, freaked out when I asked him if he was sure he never wanted to see me again, assured me there is nobody else but that he just needs to be alone for the time being. What do I do? I know that he likes me!! Should I just forget him and try and have no contact, just leave him alone and move on? I want him so badly though and I’m so sad.
🙁 I’m sorry to hear that, Zoe. I know you see a lot of potential in this relationship. Maybe he does too. But he clearly believes he is not ready to be in a relationship yet.
Rather then shutting him out, most people find it’s best to leave the door of communication open. That could mean just letting him know that while you are seeking a relationship right now, you have to respect the fact that he is not, but you’d love to continue to be a part of his world if he wants to send you an update on how he’s doing from time to time.
The advantage of this approach is that if his circumstances change, there is not a big barrier of awkward silence that he has to first overcome before he can start communicating with you again. It just makes it easier and more likely that something might spark to life again in the future.
But for your own sake, it’s important that you don’t hold your breath waiting for that possibility. Keep the door open, but go on with your life, investing in new people.
James
Hi James
Feeling a little overwhelmed. Listened to the audio book and funny enough some of your hero instinct advice had helped with my partner. I have know him for 4 years and we always go back to each other. He is the guy that has the ex wife and 3 boys and is always working hard to keep a float. He is in the prince stage. We got back together 6 months ago.. We would make time for each other and msg every day. Morning and night. When we are together its like we speak the same language. And the last time I saw him things were great. He was even sending me pixs and opening up more and starting with the pet names. But you can tell he is focused on getting his life together and is busy. Recently he just disconnected and barely text. Its like he pushed me away after Father’s day. I asked if it was me. He said not to over think. But as a creature of habit I became used to him messaging and then he msgd less and less. And of course I did the girly thing… loss the plot. Now he’s barely there. I have ask for help a couple of times and used curiosity and it worked. Yay! But I feel its only me initiating… then I look stupid. I don’t want to lose him. And I keep trying to be positive. But I’m not sure he thinks he is winning and not sure I can convince him when he is ignoring me. I was hopeful and now I’m just scared that he doesn’t want this. I am confused and a little unsure what to do. Xx
Hi Michelle. It’s always a privilege to be invited into the thought process and planning of someone who thinks deeply about these issues.
Right now, the hero instinct is at work in his life. The channel of that flowing river of energy is alive and well. Unfortunately, it is divided. And it seems the duty he feels to play the role of a successful provider for his children is getting the lion’s share of the natural drive he feels from the hero instinct.
What does all this imply? Well, for one thing, it implies he is a person of honor and loyalty. And of course, that makes him all the more valuable as a partner to build a life with. It’s a good thing that he is striving to provide for his kids. But it would be nice if some of his efforts had paid off a little more so he didn’t have to work so hard to keep his head above water.
Your mission now is to show him he doesn’t have to choose between you and providing for his family. This is a difficult but important process. We need him to think of his relationship with you as something more than recreation that he does when he has extra time outside of his core responsibilities.
Instead, we need him to start thinking of you as a person who supports him and brings him energy and strength in the midst of his efforts to meet his responsibilities and live life to the fullest.
Pause to think about this question. How can you communicate to him that you would like to walk alongside him while he pursues the meaningful mission he is on? How can you help him to recognize that you’re not asking for his extra time, but rather to be invited into the life he is really living day to day?
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
Aww thank you for replying to my msg James. I appreciate the insight. You are right he is extermely loyal and hard working. It certainly one of the things that i find attactive about him he like the engergize bunny. I have thought about your comments and how i can let him know that i just want be by his side and not asking for extra time. But it hard to get him to respond and acknowledge my words. I starting feel like im a nag and in his way. I said in my own way i understand and you do you and cos thats what gives you energy also makes me excited to hear about his day. I have tried to say that i got your back. But i am getting nothing. He gets in his head and that it. Shut down and goes in his hidy hole and doesnt respond. He is reading my msgs but he had it rough with his ex and he has alt to prove i just eant to be there to listen and support him. The last text i got a response was about me asking for help. That was 4 days ago. I not sure texting is helping. I dont understand why he stopped in the first place. Trying not to be disheartened but it very draining to feel like he doesn’t want me around xx
Everything was perfect between us and then the pandemic hit us. We have not been able to see each other since March. We are in different parts of the World and I have not been able to go and see him. Usually he is very understanding but he does not understand this and says I am making excuses not to see him, he has also indicated that he may start seeing other people. I want to be with him more than anything and crave for him but don’t want to risk travelling. I have tried talking to him and reasoning with him but it hasn’t worked. I am afraid of losing him and even today was contemplating taking the risk. I am confused and uncertain as what to do.
I have found him after such a long time.