Being authentic isn’t a dating strategy; it’s the most comfortable, healthy way to live your life.
When you meet a guy for the first time, do you know exactly how you want to come across?
Flirty, but not over the top. Fun, but no party girl. Interesting, but interested in him, too.
You’ve got this persona crafted that shows off your best traits. It’s your best shot at impressing him.
You’re smart enough to wait until he’s asked you out again—or maybe a couple of times—before you let him start to see the real you.
That’s how a lot of people play the dating game, online and offline.
Online, it’s easy to create a persona that gives him exactly the impression you want to make. You’re in charge of the photos he sees and the details he reads. Your online persona might be wittier or sexier than how you are in person, but that’s okay. Everyone knows that’s the way the game is played.
But maybe you’ve found yourself wishing a guy would like you for YOU.
That he’d see you warts and all, the way you really are, and love you anyway.
This guy wouldn’t want the persona. He’d just want you. The “you” you are when you’re with your friends or family, people who know you better than anyone else alive.
We all dream of being loved for who we are—men and women alike—but we lead with our personas. We’re not convinced that who we are is appealing enough. We want the edge that extra bit of gloss or shine will give us.
Instead of winning, we lose. Because we can’t shake the feeling that people like us for who they THINK we are…
And they’ll stop liking us if they know the truth.
Being authentic isn’t a dating strategy; it’s the most comfortable, healthy way to live a life.
Have the courage to drop the persona. Show him the person you are when you’re with your friends. He can’t love the real you if he doesn’t know the real you.
These three tips can help.
Authenticity Tip #1. 3 Cheers for Rejection!
How many times have you felt rejected? Let me guess: probably a lot more than you would like.
Every time you feel rejected, a small part of you says that the problem is YOU. He’s rejecting you because you’re not “good enough” in some way.
The solution, clearly, is to fix all the mistakes you’re making. If you can find out what it is about you that’s turning men off, you can nip it in the bud and claim the love you deserve.
It sounds so reasonable. It makes so much sense.
But thinking this way can backfire BIG time.
Nothing kills attraction faster than the fear of making a mistake.
When you police everything you do and say, you don’t come across as polished; you come across as stilted. Irreverent imperfection is actually much more attractive!
So forget about making mistakes. A mistake or two is worth the advantage of being free to be yourself.
And if he doesn’t call you again because you said something that put him off, pat yourself on the back. Thank goodness you know he’s completely wrong for you.
Authenticity Tip #2. Remember Your Circle of Trust
Maybe you’ve tried being yourself on a date before, and it didn’t go all that well.
He didn’t laugh at your jokes. Sexual chemistry fell flat.
That’s okay. Maybe he didn’t get your humor.
Or maybe you’ve mistaken “being yourself” for treating him like your best girlfriend.
If you’ve just met him, he’s a stranger—even if you’ve chatted for weeks online. And strangers have to earn the right to get to know you on a more intimate level.
If you’re telling him things you normally reserve for your close friends, you’re not showing him the real you. You’re oversharing. Take a step back and see if it helps.
Authenticity Tip #3. Embrace Wholeness
What do our personas do for us?
They give us permission to try on new identities.
When you step into your extra-feminine, extra-flirty self, you can create incredible sexual chemistry.
Which means he wants to sleep with you…
But not necessarily make a home and family with you.
Personas are usually one-dimensional. They show just one side of you.
Real people have many dimensions. Sometimes they’re confident and excited. Sometimes they’re quiet and reflective. Sometimes they have all the right words. Sometimes they stumble.
That contrast is interesting to a relationship-minded man. He’s fascinated to see what’s underneath each of your layers.
Such real-life complexity may be too much for a man who just wants a good time, though. In which case, see Tip #1. Turning away the wrong guys is just as important as spotting the right guy.
You have the right to be all that you are. Don’t reduce yourself to the parts that seem most attractive to men. The right guy will love ALL of you, even your dorky bits. 😉