Has this ever happened to you?
You’re in what you think is a great relationship. You instantly connected with him. Soon he was saying all the beautiful things: he’s never met anyone like you, he wants to be with you, he thinks he’s falling for you.
This is how love should be. Two people enthusiastically saying yes to one another… jumping in with both feet… holding hands as they walk towards forever.
Except that it doesn’t continue.
Some months into your relationship, he changes.
He reads your messages but doesn’t reply for hours or even days.
He’s in town but doesn’t make plans to see you.
He’s colder. Closed off. Irritable.
You think you’ve lost him, and you’re desperate for answers.
What did you do wrong? Did you offend him?
You know he’s busy. He must have a lot going on. Maybe you just need to give him space? You don’t want to be needy.
At the same time, you know something has changed between you. Something is wrong.
What can you do?
Don’t Do What Everyone Else Does
Most women in this situation do this:
They say nothing, give him plenty of space, and make sure everything is amazing when they do see him next.
They’re hoping that if they don’t say anything, and they pretend everything is all right, it will blow over. He’ll snap out of it and remember how good they are together.
That’s not the most effective strategy, and in many cases it just postpones the inevitable.
You’re hiding how you feel from him, and he’s not talking to you about how he feels. You have less and less to say to one another. Your emotional connection withers.
There’s a better way to deal with this situation, which I’ll tell you in just a minute.
But first, what’s going through his head?
There are two common reasons a man goes cold after telling you that you’re his dream woman…
Here’s something that surprises many women:
Men are actually the more romantic sex.
Studies show that men tend to fall in love faster. They proclaim their love faster.
Men carry an image of their dream woman in their mind. When they think they’ve found her, they leap to lock down a relationship with her.
They’re not thinking about what happens after they initiate a relationship. They’re not thinking about the work it will take. They’re not thinking about how they’ll have to change their life to accommodate another person.
They’re caught up in the honeymoon, where everything is perfect and wonderful and easy and magical.
And that’s where the trouble starts.
The honeymoon is just a phase. It’s not reflective of the reality of relationships.
But many men don’t realize this. They believe their fantasy partner is out there. If she’s the right person, they think, the honeymoon will last forever.
You know that’s impossible. Reality always intrudes eventually. You can’t stay in that magical bubble of new love forever.
But the more of a romantic he is, the harder and faster he falls for you, the more difficulty he may have making the transition to a working relationship.
He wants to stay in the honeymoon, and he can’t. So he decides he’s falling out of love with you. He doesn’t see how his unrealistic fantasies lead him to be constantly disappointed in love.
Some women try to extend the honeymoon period by denying their own needs and asking very little of their partner. If they keep it fun and light, they think, maybe they can put off reality until he feels more bonded.
Another way to extend the honeymoon period is to conduct your courtship mostly online. If you rarely see each other, you can maintain the illusion that you are each other’s perfect fantasy for longer.
Unfortunately, extending the honeymoon period rarely pays off in a deeper connection. Talking about hard things does—and I’ll show you how to do that shortly.
Fear of Responsibility
Even good men have a deep fear when it comes to turning their dream girl into their girlfriend.
When everything is fun and games, they’re fine. They’re in love. They think she’s amazing.
Nevertheless, they balk at taking the next step.
Getting serious about her means doing something they’re not necessarily prepared to do:
Being responsible for her feelings.
For many men, the idea of being responsible for someone else gives them pause.
Getting serious about you means taking on responsibility. He’ll have to contact you regularly. He’ll have to make an effort to see you. He’ll have to consider your feelings.
A lot of men back out of relationships when they reach this stage.
It’s not personal. It’s not about you. It’s about what they’re willing to give to another person at this stage in their life.
So how should you handle it?
Try Saying This
If you’re with a man who doesn’t want the work of a relationship, you need to know that sooner rather than later.
And the only way you can find out is by talking to him.
Start the conversation with a healthy dose of humor and affection. You might say something like:
“I just realized we haven’t talked in ages. Did I do something wrong, or are you just afraid of my dazzling charm?”
“Hey, are you avoiding me because you’re secretly Batman? Because that would be a pretty good excuse.”
“I totally need a time machine. I want to go back to the good old days when we had all the time in the world for each other.”
Ask him what’s going on for him. Let him know that you’ve noticed things are different. Suggest that you might have different expectations or timelines for how a relationship should unfold.
If he’s emotionally committed to you, he’ll engage in this conversation with you. He’ll want to help you understand.
Not confident in your ability to handle a difficult conversation? Then check out this guide.