Lets talk about guys and emotions.
Here are some insights you may find useful on this topic. Men have just as many emotions as women. Hard to believe right =)
So why don’t they open up about their emotions? Why does everything have to be about the logic of the situation? Why does he focus on accomplishing things at the expense of his relationships?
These are among the most infuriating issues women face as they try to bridge the cultural gap to create a loving and emotionally deep relationship with a man.
There are several factors that cause men to be less emotionally expressive.
Surprisingly, one of the most important factors is simply a lack of practice. For some men, there is actually a deficit in the vocabulary needed for expressing complicated emotions like mixed feelings about a relationship.
At the extreme, this difficulty with communicating about feelings is called “Alexithymia.” That term refers to the lack of appropriate knowledge of the right words to use to express the subtle shades of emotion felt within.
It’s more common for a man to have a mild version of this problem. It’s more likely he will feel something and not be exactly sure what it is he’s feeling, rather than lacking the knowledge of the emotional words themselves.
Are you dating a man like this? One of the easiest ways to tell is to pay attention to what he doesn’t say.
If he is showing interest in you and obviously trying hard to express his true feelings about an issue, only to pull away and become quiet in frustration, he may be pulling away or changing the subject due to exasperation with his inability to identify the right words to express the mixed feelings he has inside.
How did this happen? Well, the truth is, he grew up in a different culture than you did. Men don’t grow up sitting in circles on the playground sharing their feelings. They grow up spending their time trying to accomplish things in larger groups of boys with a focus on external goals that you can see in the physical world.
In addition to that, boys are often discouraged from expressing some of their emotions. It’s not just fathers either. Mothers often do or say things that subtly send the message to a boy that crying does not suit him well.
In addition to all this, men have a great fear of appearing weak. Expressing emotions like joy, elation, or excitement about a job promotion will be easy for your man. Admitting that he’s feeling insecure at work will be far more difficult for him.
You’re more likely to see an irritated version of your boyfriend than a true expression of the mix of fear and sadness driving his irritable mood.
At Be Irresistible we teach a specific method for bypassing a man’s difficulty with opening up to his dating partner.
There are ways of working with a man’s need for pride and respect that will allow him to lean on you in an emotionally vulnerable way. When he learns to do this, you will be a part of a new world of deep intimacy that he has likely never shared with anyone in his adult life.
Once a man begins to feel comfortable talking about his emotions, he will need time to fully develop his ability to express things of a subtle emotional nature. Give him that time. It will be well worth your while.
Have a great day!
James Bauer
Things have gotten worse. Last week, he absolutely exploded about something I said (turns out I was indeed wrong), I apologized. I apologized, said I hope this doesn’t come between us. He said that it will never come up again. He called in two days, bringing it up. I told him I didn’t appreciate him yelling at me and he denied it. We talked, he felt like it was turning into an argument, talked over me, said we shouldn’t call each other anymore. I’m devastated. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve emailed him apologizing again but he’s not bulging. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe it’s someone else?
Etta, I replied to you above before I read this new comment. This is absolutely the way my man has been with me over the last four years. On again, off again, over and over. I don’t think it is someone else. It is just the culmination of everything in his life getting all too much for him to cope with, and a relationship may be just a step too far for him to deal with right now. Hopefully he will calm down in a while and get back on track. Get in touch in a little while just to see how he is – I’m sure he will appreciate it. One thing it may be, however, is drink or drugs. That would be something he may resort to if he is feeling depressed. I hope not, but it is so in my case with my man. Something I am trying to help him with, but it is an uphill battle. I wish you luck. Lorna
Thanks James! I really appreciate you responding. First, let me say this: I kind of thought his parole might have had something to do with attending the event with me. Secondly, about his depression. That I definitely thought of too. You see, not that this makes me all of a sudden an expert, but I suffer from bipolar depression, diagnosed in 2009. So, when I began seeing this in him that’s the first thing I thought of. I’m not saying he has bipolar, what do I know? And I’m not saying you’re saying this too. But I am saying that, like you, it does indeed sound like he’s depressed. I thought of this too: it’s possible he hasn’t told me of his past, as yet, because perhaps he might feel that I won’t want to have anything to do with him, which is far, very far, from the truth! It wasn’t a sex crime nor did he take someone’s life. That’s where I draw the line, especially sex crimes.
Thank you James, so much!
Hi. I’m in a relationship that began pretty well. He was very attentive, always calling me back right away and apologizing when he didn’t. One time he was intensely bothered by something and didn’t feel like talking to anyone but told me I can call anytime. Now he has changed that and said if I want to talk I can call at his job that he can still talk, that when he gets home he just wants to watch his shows and go to bed. He was supposed to attend an event with me. First he was yes, then probably, now he don’t know. I guess it would help if I mention he’s currently on parole which he doesn’t know I know as I’m waiting for him to tell me. Someone said it’s time I let him know that I know but I’m not sure how. When I ask him how he is all he says is he’s fine but I don’t believe him. He’s not as talkative as he’s been which worries me. He says he doesn’t let things get to him. Right. Last week I thought I blew it because I got upset with him about this. So he called me while at work to let me know that “it’s just tv, that’s all.” Then he asked if i wanted to hear a joke. I listened though it really wasn’t funny. A friend said that sounds like a man trying to make a woman happy because he doesn’t want to lose her. Your opinion please. Sorry for the length. Thank you.
Hello, Etta. I wonder if his parole restricts where he can go. If so, that could explain why he backed out of going to the event with you. To me, this sounds like a man who might be struggling against feelings of depression. It sounds like things have not been going his way recently, and his energy is low to a point that all he wants to do is watch TV after surviving his day at work. I suggest you give him time to see if his mood improves within the next weeks or months. There’s nothing you need to do to fix it. Just be patient if you choose to continue to allow him to be a part of your life.
Etta, I agreee with James. There is nothing like depression for sapping your energy – I know from experience. Sometimes all you want to do is crawl into bed – and stay there all day sometimes, too!! Unless you have felt this way, you could never relate to it. And sometimes it hits you out of the blue, for no apparent reason – there is no understanding it. If you can do it without too much pressure, you could make sure he is eating well, and get some extra vitamins and minerals into him. It sounds to me as though he is making an effort for you. Ringing you to explain, and then telling a joke – that is ALL good (even if it was not funny!!). I think he is probably terrified of telling you about the parole. I had a similar situation with my man, who had been in prison for a couple of years and did not know how to tell me. I already knew because he was in a voluntary position with my friend and she told me. Eventually, when I knew he was getting really distressed about it, and drinking too much, not knowing how to tell me, I told him that I knew what it was he was wanting to tell me – no specifics, but he knew what I meant. Now he is open about it, talking about being “At Her Majesty’s Pleasure”. Maybe you could broach the subject by saying you WONDER if there is something on his mind, and you have an idea what it may be. I think once this is out in the open, he will probably be different towards you. It is a huge thing to overcome – he will be terrified of losing you once you know the truth. I’ve been there, so I know. And he probably feels inferior to you. You need to boost his confidence, try not to criticize even the slightest thing, reinforce your respect for him over and over again (and yes, laugh at his silly jokes!!), and above all be patient. Hopefully, with time he will come good. ALL things that James has talked about in his articles. Thanks, James, once again for your insight into the male psychy. WE NEED YOU. Lorna
Its so tough dealing with a guy like this. We dated during the summer but i went to school in another state and come down every so often. We talk all the time, but I definitely see how he doesn’t know how to express his feelings because i know he likes me and cares for me but he is definitely having mixed feelings about the distance issue. When we’re together, we act very close and loving, but then when I leave the verbal communication is tough. He has expressed that he is a guy that shows his emotions more than he likes to talk about them. When I came down, we shared a really nice weekend together where he didn’t want me to leave, then when I got off my flight I sent a flirty text telling him i enjoyed the weekend and essentially that I like him and he definitely avoided it and asked me if i was safe at home. Then i asked if ill see him again and he essentially said yes so its just frustrating to just wait for him to understand and express his emotions. He has been getting better but it is still a struggle because it’s hard to gauge his level of care when the verbal expression is lacking.
Hi James,
Am in a relationship for about 3 months now,but i have never gone to my friends house on a visit,he keeps coming to my house to pay me a visit,and it bothers me. He never takes me out on date nights. And whenever i tell him to take me to know his house he keeps saying soonest. Do u think he is been sincere to me?or he has a serious girlfriend outside. Pls i need ur advise because am troubled the way things are. Thanks.
Hi Tee. There’s not enough information here for you to know for sure. Is the relationship communication open enough to discuss what he wants and what yu want? If so, you could explain why you want to become a part of his life in a way that is not isolated to visits to your home. It’s a nice way of explaining what you need without sounding paranoid.
James
How do you know if a man is in love with you if he never been in love or know what love is?
Hmmm. Maybe you are asking the wrong question. What matters is that you feel loved. Does he act in ways that make you feel loved? If so, what difference does it make whether he calls it love or something else? If not, what difference does it make whether he claims to be in love with you.
It matters because he tells me he love me but he can’t explain to me why he loves me and then say that he not sure what love is so how do I suppose to take that information? I just think he’s confused or he scared to let me in his heart or to let me know how he feels.
Kelly, If he tells you he loves you, why are you so worried? Can anyone explain what “love” is – I certainly can’t, and I am getting on for 70. Does he really have to explain that to you, in order to have a loving relationship? I don’t understand your concern. Perhaps you are trying to analyze it too much. Just enjoy the fact that he says he loves you, and as long as he is acting as though he loves you, as James says, what does it matter what you call it? Everyone has a different idea of what love is, and as long as you are happy with how he treats you and are getting your needs met, don’t worry about it. Don’t keep stressing over it, you will frighten him off. Just relax and enjoy!! Lorna
I recenty started hanging out with my first ever boyfriend from freshman year, after 10 years. He invites me to go out with him and his friends all the time. But the thing is that all his friends are cuples. So it looks like were a couple. Everybody thinks were together because we literally act like it. When were together i can feel that he has feelings for me and that he wants to be with me but when people ask him if we are he just say no were just friends. He has told me that he has thought about me and him being together but that he just cant, well not right now. I understand that he has alot going on but i just dont understand how he cant just take yhe next baby step and just say yeah were talking as a pose to “were just friends” i really feel like im waisting my time, am i feeling the right way?
You might consider “talking” with a few other guys for two reasons. One is to give him a little competition which might spike his interest in solidifying a direction with you. The other reason is that you might indeed be wasting your time with him. In that case, it’s useful not to have all your eggs in one basket.
Okay. But do i start talking to other guys even if im the only one that he talks to and im the only one he spends his extra time with?
If I was him I would like to know you were about to start spending time with other guys…so I had the chance to object first if I wanted to. You could ask him if it would bother him if you like. If he says yes, he is going to have to give you a pretty good reason why…which would be hard to do without someone defining what he hopes for his relationship with you.
I’m a survivor of domestic violance who has stood beside me for over a year, I’m so scared of losing him, i panic which has made him clam up and now is pulling away. i want my knight back. I’m reading everything you post but I’m so confused, the more i read the confused i get!!! Can you help me?! I’ve had enough drama, its time for happiness
If you simplify everything down to one basic mission, what is it? What do you need to do to be a steady presence in his life? I know it may not be easy if you are a survivor of domestic violence, but you have to start by figuring out what direction to focus your efforts.
Hello James,
I don’t feel my “friend” has any inability to open up. In fact he has told me so much that I am now confused. He expressed his inability to yearn for a relationship due to past failed relationships and his focus on school and a hobby. In one instance he confided that he feels robbed of two women that he may have married if circumstances had been different. One was a friend of mine, she died. The other was a sweetheart that moved in high school. In another discussion he admitted He attempted to rekindle with his sweetheart but for some reason she was scared. He also admitted he was about to break ui p with my friend when she died, did not say why. I know hr often maintains contact with the sweetheart. How do I know what to believe? Is there a chance to get him to let his guard down and let me into his heart?
Hi Brandy. That is a good question, but one that is very complex. It’s not the sort of question I could answer here without a lot of back-and-forth questions that would be more appropriate for private relationship coaching.
James
What is included in the private relationship coaching, for instance are any training materials or programs included?
Hi Brandy. I ask those who go through personal coaching to go through training material that describes an overall plan for approaching relationships with men. At this time it is included when someone signs up for email coaching.
I find that maybe Im a bit to open with my own emotions and maybe men dont know what to do with it Im very sweet and wear my heart on my sleeve is that a bad thing as far as a relationship goes?
It depends on the man. Some men really are emotophobes (scare of talking about emotions and unsure what do say when you talk about yours) while others would feel a special connection with you because of a deeper understanding. Just be yourself on that issue because a woman like you would not be very happy with a man who is uncomfortable with emotional expression. So it’s okay if they pull away because of feeling they are out of their depth when interacting with you.
I know my boyfriend loves me and he told me that he does numerous times. but he is unable to express emotions. He doesn’t feel comfortable holding my hand or kissing me when people are around. He is very cold and sometimes distant. He loves me but I can’t feel it. We had a lot of arguments regarding this issue and he always had this problem. Why is he like this? How can I change that?
Hi Mary. It’s important to remember that you cannot change an internal choice someone else makes. Only he can work on changing those mental habits. What you can do is ask his permission to coach him through the process of a simple “experiment” of increasing verbal and physical displays of emotion. Frame it as something positive you would like for him to do for you, rather than as a problem he has that needs fixing. If he agrees, choose a very small, attainable goal, and work on it till it no longer feels awkward and forced. Tell him how it makes you feel (positive emotions) and make him feel responsible for the positive change. Then tackle the next small step.
I am suspecting your cold and distant boyfriend is a capricorn born in january lol.
Hi Katara,
I am disagree with you about Capricorn sign comment that you made. I am dating a guy for several month by now, he is Capricorn by horoscope, and he is very warm, gental and loving person, he is not too much “wordy” about love, but that makes me think the Love is very important aspect of his life. I think that being cold is normally comes from the family your boyfriend grew up, especially, if his mom was not very warm and “touching” person for him. I might be wrong too.
My past two relaltionships I had the same issue with the men in my life not opening up to me. The first one (now my ex-husband after 20 yrs) has told me that I was too intimidating to talk to. My recent relationship (ended in this past summer after a year) seem to never want to open up even though I could see the pain in his eyes (he had a rough divorce). I started to believe my ex husband was right, but I think I now understand what the problem may have been. Thank you James for pointing that out, because I recently found myself interested in a friend that I’ve known years now (we have a connection I wish I could understand) and he seems to be closing off to me even though we have always been open to each other in the past. I have been applying your advice, but would like to know what else I could do to get back to where we were and get him to notice me in a more romantic way.
On another note: Being positive has made a tremendous difference in my life, I encourage all your followers to do the same.
When u say being postive whet do u mean exactly when it comes to life and relationship.lily,thanks
Thank you so much! That is very helpful.
my guy is not very expressive until he drinks.. when he drinks, everything comes out to the point where i don’t know what is true and what is not, so at this point I really don’t know what to believe. We have been together in an exclusive relationship for almost 4 months. When he is sober, he is not very forthright with compliments, telling me that he loves me, etc. But when he is drunk, he brags to his friends about what a great person I am, tells me he loves me and is in love with me, tells me i am beautiful and sexy. I have heard the whole “people who are drunk speak the truth” theory and that is certainly true of me. Till now, I looked at his expressiveness while drunk in a positive light: as the male ego / filter / worrying about appearances coming off, thus releasing his ability to tell me how he truly feels about me when drinking. However, the last few times he has drank, he has said things that don’t seem truthful which makes me question when his true feelings are being expressed: the reservations when sober or the wonderful things he says when drinking. We have both talked about the fact that we do not want any more children numerous times. Last time he was drinking, he started telling me that he is in love with me, he wants to start a family with me, and he wants me to be the mother of his children. The next day (once sober) he of course went back to the original agreement that neither of us wants any more children.. This exchange has made me question what to believe. James, do I believe what he says when drinking? Can I still look at it in a positive light (aka, alcohol makes it easier for him to express himself)? Or is there something else going on given that when sober, our original agreements come back
Hi Maria. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. So, the idea of having children suddenly seems easy and fun, and a good way to prove his desire to be with you. When sober, he remembers the reasons he should not dive into parenthood again. He’s not lying. It’s that his perspective changes when the GABA neurotransmitters relax his brain. His judgment is poor. Does some part of him desire children? Yes, but in his sober state that desire is put in check by his knowledge of the reasons it would be impractical.
Thank you so much for your insight. I guess my follow up questions is: is his lack of expressiveness when sober due to what you describe in your article? I can not tell whether he really has these deep feelings for me and just can’t express them when sober (but they pour out when drinking) or alternatively, whether his feelings are not that deep (as evidenced by lack of compliments and such when sober) and alcohol makes him say things to get his way – for example, to butter me up to fulfill his sexual needs. I guess I am questioning the depth of his feelings for me. When he expresses his love for me largely when drunk and not very often when sober, it makes me question whether his feelings are real.. Which one is it: Having deep feelings and just being unable to express them well or having “superficial” feelings that are then embellished for his purposes when drinking?
Maria, I wish I could say he loves you more than anything, but I don’t want to mislead you. He clearly loves you and expresses that affection when alcohol reduces his inhibitions (anxiety about revealing his feelings in this case). However, he apparently does not love you enough to find the courage to verbally affirm you in his sober state…or he does not realize how important it is. If I had to guess, I would say it is likely a mixture of both.
Hey James my boyfriend was expressive when we started he was saying I love you but now we are already in more than 2 yrs…its once in a blue moon he will sau it..and if he does its because I asked him to be expressive
Hi Pearl. Some men think, “The point of communication is to communicate information. By now she knows I love her, so why does she want me to communicate that?” Men sometimes make the mistake of only seeing purpose in something if it accomplishes something.
So your job is to help him to understand what it accomplishes. Tell him why that particular love language (words of affirmation) does something special to you. Help him see “the point” by showing him what will happen in your relationship if he goes out of his way to affirm the feeling you both know he has for you.
James
If a guy is in love with you, they will try anything to be with you right? But how do you know if they really love you, or if your just a convenience?
Hello, Heidi. Maybe you could be a little more specific about why you are suspicious that your man sees you as nothing more than a convenience. Then others reading the comments can respond to you with their thoughts on the issue. The way your question is worded right now makes it difficult to know what you are trying to understand.
Thank you so much. That little insight into a man’s way of thinking has made such a difference as to how I now view men.
my boyfriend of 10 years has a hard time loving me because his mother was very abusive and never showed him the love and caring i do. So now he isn’t receptive towards my affection. He is however very caring and loving with all his ex’s during their time of dating. I know he is very comfortable with me because we can joke about anything. But why doesn’t he cry when something hurts him? why doesn’t he fear losing me? And why cant he show any affection with me? I feel pressured to walk out but i feel like he is so helpless, because i know he loves me but i just dont feel that love i once had for him. Is there any way i can show him i love him without being weak,crying, and still being irrisitable?
Hi Iris. I may be totally misunderstanding the situation based on what little you shared here, but it sounds like you both care for each other but don’t have that “in love” feeling for each other. It’s okay to let a relationship go if you love him like a brother but not like a romantic partner.
Because he has taken you for ‘granted’. That is the reason. Make yourself valuable and not so available for him and you would see a great change.
Emotions and how to express them, bingo! That is what’s happening to him. He wants to express himself and don’t know how to. I didn’t know that most men has this problem. But, I’m being patient in listening to what he says and when. Anything else I should do?
Yes! I have lots of advice for you about how to get him talking and how to get him to open up about the internal world he lives in. I am releasing a complete training course on this exact concept within the next few weeks. Watch your email inbox for an invitation to check it out.
my boyfriend is very hind and loving…but have doesn’t show me a lot of affection..he says just be cause I am not mushiness 24/7 doesn’t mean I don’t care for you…I am very passionate, I like holding hands and cuddling what should I do?
my boyfriend too.nd I love him so much I find it hard to tell him too because I get hurt by his response .I need help really.
Please send me a email also… For the interval world where the man lives and what should he really do.. I am waiting for your mail
maria i understand wht u are saying and how u are feeling this man i like is the same way he does everything right but i cant get him to tell me how he feels about me wht should i do
I am in a nsa so i donot hear from him for long periods so i was wondering will he ever change his mind.
Are you sure you want NSA relationship ? Maybe its you who has changed your mind ?
What is a NSA relationship, please.
Perhaps it means, “No Strings Attached””
Not sure, just guessing ..
Hi Rose, I’m wondering if you are the Rose Williams who lives in Horncastle, Lincolnshire, England. If so, I think I may know you. Wouldn’t that be an amazing co-incidence?
Your advice & insights are so acurate. I am middle aged & still looking for one more love. I have a special “friend,” but…He loves me but won’t allow himself to be “in love,” with me. I got it about respect and meeting life goals. Older man – resisting retirement, not pulling in the money he once did. I tell him he is so smart & he helps me with so much. What can I do to help him let down his (big) defenses? Thanks!
Barbara,
That is a great question with a very long answer. Watch your email for an opportunity to learn the details about how to do that well. I am releasing a new training course on that topic in the next few weeks!