That THING that annoys you.
You know better than to talk to him about it. You’ve tried that. Nothing changes.
So you keep your mouth shut.
You’re going to be the bigger person. You’re going to take the high road. You’re not going to let it get to you.
When you’re lying in bed with him at night…
You can’t stand the sound of his breathing. How he takes over the bed. The simple fact of his existence.
Ah, yes. Life with the one you love. 😉
But the story doesn’t end there.
There are some things you do.
Things that annoy HIM.
And he knows he can’t talk to you about them, because you’ll just get upset and defensive.
He’d rather have a happy home than have you mad at him, so he bites his tongue. He doesn’t say anything.
And sometimes when he goes to the gym or meets up with his friends, he doesn’t want to come home. He doesn’t want to have to guess what kind of a mood you’ll be in. He wishes life with you didn’t have to be so complicated.
Every day, in households across the world, men and women are doing what they believe is the right thing to do to keep the peace and stay together.
They’re biting their tongues. They’re trying to rise above petty emotions. They’re putting their relationship first.
And that’s wonderful.
But it comes at a cost.
All those irritations and annoyances and resentments build up and build up and build up until…
You have a huge fight.
A fight over nothing.
A fight where you’re screaming at one another, threatening to leave, and saying every single nasty comment you wanted to say for AGES but bottled up.
Will your relationship survive?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But if you want a different future, you need to start looking at a different way of dealing with your anger.
It can be really hard to admit you’re angry with your guy.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard clients say:
“I wouldn’t say I’m ANGRY. I’m just sad. I’m disappointed in him.”
When I hear that, I think to myself, “Ahh, she hasn’t allowed herself to feel her anger.”
You can’t go through a relationship without getting angry with each other. Anger is a natural human emotion.
But most of us have learned that anger isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. It can hurt other people.
So we get angry, but we don’t want to be the type of person who’s always angry. So we stuff it down, or we divert it toward something more socially acceptable…like sarcasm or sadness.
I want you to know it’s okay to be angry at your partner. It’s even okay for him to be angry at you. Those feelings don’t mean you don’t love each other.
What’s not okay is using anger as an excuse to attack each other. Just because you’re angry at him doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong.
Your anger is more about YOU than it is about him.
You see, anger is a message from your body. It’s what’s called a secondary emotion. It’s alerting you to the presence of more complicated emotions, like shame or helplessness or fear.
Often, what you’re angry about is not even the real problem. You think you’re angry because he’s lazy. He sat on the sofa all evening and didn’t bother to lift a finger to help you with the mountain of work you had to do.
But maybe the real problem is that you wanted to ask him for help but didn’t feel you could. You felt overwhelmed and afraid you wouldn’t get everything done. And instead of facing those uncomfortable feelings, you shouted at him. It was easier.
Gary Zukav describes anger as “an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding.”
He believes that anger is a Band-Aid over the top of pain. As long as you feel angry, you don’t have to face your pain.
So pay attention to your anger. Let yourself feel it. Don’t be afraid of it.
But here’s something I’d like you to try:
Instead of talking to your GUY about what’s making you angry, talk to your anger first.
Ask it what it’s afraid of.
(Think it’s weird talking to your emotions? It’s actually a therapeutic technique.)
If you can find out what your anger is telling you, then it’s much easier to tell your partner what you need.
Consider these two statements:
- “I’m so mad at you for wasting all evening on the sofa!”
- “I’m so overwhelmed by everything I have to do, and I’m afraid I’m not going to finish in time for us to have some free time together. Could you help me?”
Which do you think will make your anger go away faster?
My husband and I live on each ends of the country and have for just over a year. I came back home for medical reasons. As you can imagine things are getting difficult. He doesn’t want to messege ir video chat as much as we did before. I will call him 4 or 5 times a day and most of our conversations are 1 to 5 minutes. We may have a 30 minute call occasionally. Calls and messages I send go unanswered sometimes for hours. This is so different from a couple of months ago. I answer his calls and messages within 5 minutes but usually immediately. He seems to be pulling away. I desperately need your help. We had a huge arguement last night. After he messaged me to tell me how much he loved me. I told him the same. We have been together for a couple of years but just got married in May of 2022. Shouldn’t we still be in the honeymoon stage like my friends are ALWAYS teasing me about! I am 60 years old and my husband is 52. I have been married once before, divorced. After my divorce I spent my time on raising my children and working at a very good job. I worked until I had a couple of heart attacks and a quadruple bypass when I was 42. I never had any kinda of a relationship with a man and swore I never would marry again. My first husband cheated on me and then decided he wanted a divorce. I simply didn’t want to go through that pain again. My husband has never been married and swore he never get married. He had several what he calls long term relationships. The longest lasting 3 years. He preferred to be single and play the field. Can you please help us. I am so afraid of things getting so out of hand that we won’t be able or know how to fix it. He is moving here as soon as he gets things settled there. Him moving here is a new decision. Only within the last couple of weeks. I was to move back out there. Please help me before I say or do the wrong thing.
I sympathize, really I do , but the more you push the more he will back away. Give him space and he will come around.i had a similar situation and let my husband go, so to speak. I didn’t contact him at all, within a week he was back. Men get overwhelmed with our emotional needs. If he says he loves you he is probably telling the truth. Don’t push! It’s hard but pays dividends in the end.
Hey, Jo-Anna. This is a great question, but it’s the kind of question that’s better answered with some back and forth discussion. You can do that on our private (members only) forum. If you’re not already a member of our Irresistible Insiders group, you can learn more about it here:
he’s angry at me, out of the blue. He blames me and goes to someone else, but vents with me. So what is that covering up?
Thank You for this message it would have helped me so much years ago. But it helps me now as well especially speaking to the anger and finding the root cause of it. I am a widow and sometimes anger wants to rear its ugly head even now. But I do not let it come to stay.
Hello. Thanks! I really needed this. It truly hit home with me. Very common problem in our household. Hopefully now I may be able to handle these emotions more positively.
That sounds great, Christy!
I don’t think you should ever stay quiet. Men love being asked for help. Even if you already know the answer, you can guide him to it and let him think he’s the hero who saved the day. In any case, ask for his help.
2 is the much better statement
What if you stayed quiet for too long.
Your anger would fester inside you Ask for help in a positive way and he will help because then there will be more special time to share with each other xx