In the movies, some life event throws a couple back together.
Usually it’s a hardship they face as a team. This ends up leading to a natural rekindling of love between two people who really were meant for each other all along.
The key is a shared enemy and a new bonding experience that brings meaning, purpose, and longing back to the relationship.
These fictional accounts reflect a strong truth about getting him back. It happens naturally when both of you are fully present in your interactions with one another.
When one person single-handedly tries to rekindle a relationship, the other person resists. This resistance is explain as part of my Ex-Back signal, which I cover in more detail in His Secret Obsession
A focus on restoring the relationship activates all his thoughts about what went wrong between the two of you in the past. This prevents him from considering you as relationship material anymore.
Obviously, there’s something right about the two of you together. If that was not so, you never would’ve gotten together in the first place.
If you can remove all the clutter, those natural forces that drew you together the first time around can work their magic once again.
So here are the basic ingredients you need to win back the affections of your ex. You need an opportunity to interact while something in the present moment distracts both your minds from dwelling on the past or envisioning the future.
This could take just about any form. It could be the shared goal of stopping a pipe from leaking under your kitchen sink when you call him for help. It could be a phone call to discuss an unusual turn of events with a mutual friend who needs help. It could even be a game night at your home with a large group of friends.
You just need an excuse to interact, plus something that draws your mind to the present interaction, the present moment.
Logic gets in the way of reconnecting with your ex.
Logic tells him he tried it and things didn’t work out. To succeed, you have to bypass his logic and reach his heart. You have to connect with his mind on an intuitive level.
This requires the activation of a deeper kind of wisdom that is often silenced by rational, conscious thought. You want to re-open the story of your relationship.
A man who is closed off to a relationship with you believes the last chapter has been written. He envisions the story of your relationship as having ended, the last page of the last chapter already written. To get him back, you must change that mental framework.
Your job is to change the way he frames the relationship in his mind. Doing so means you open his mind to the possibility that the last chapter has not actually been written.
This is not something you do all at once. Rather, you simply plant the seed.
That seed can be something as simple as suggestive language that plants a question in his mind. The human mind cannot ignore a question.
Our minds try to answer questions by evaluating various possible answers. That’s all it takes to open his mind to the possibility that what he thought was the end of your story was actually only an intermission.
This is where things get interesting.
One option is to phrase it like this: “I find myself wondering if the last chapter of our relationship has actually been written. I don’t know why that question keeps popping into my mind.”
Say it in a casual tone and without any pause afterward for him to reply. It’s just something amusing you notice your mind doing.
Saying this raises the question in his mind. His subconscious will be influenced by that question even if he tries to consciously ignore the possibility.
The way suggestion works, there are no negatives. If I tell you, “Your leg no longer hurts,” the impact on the subconscious mind is thoughts, feelings, and imagery representing the word “hurts.” The “no longer” part gets ignored.
That’s why hypnotists use only positive language for the suggestions they want to instill in someone’s mind.
Hypnotists say, “Notice how comfortable and relaxed your leg will become with each passing moment.” They don’t say “Notice how your arm stopped hurting.” For the same reason, raising the question of what could be in the future causes the mind to automatically fill that space.
It’s like the movie, Inception. If you haven’t seen it, Inception is a movie about planting the seed of an idea in someone else’s mind. They do so by entering someone’s dreams through a special device that allows several people to share the same dream.
In that movie, the “architect” of the dream creates a safe. The dreamer unconsciously fills that safe with things they want to keep hidden, tucked safely away. It’s an automatic unconscious instinct.
That idea is based on the realities of how the subconscious mind works, as discovered through hundreds of years of refining hypnotic suggestion.
Once his mind is open to the possibility of being loved by you again, he will start to question himself. He will wonder if he has any feelings of love for you still dwelling somewhere in his heart. That question will cause him to go searching for those feelings of love.
The question draws him toward the feelings of love that still remain whenever he pictures your face. This is what we were aiming for. This is the key that unlocks the next chapter.
Once a new page is turned, the story has yet to be written. And if you really want that new story to build toward a climax of joy and relationship bliss, I have a recommendation for you.
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It’s the one thing they crave more desperately than anything else. It’s an instinctual drive he cannot ignore, and something few women know how to give. It’s the one thing men secretly want but could never tell you.
It’s so important that I’ve created a free video presentation to explain what it is and how you can use it to get him back for good.
Click the link below to see the short presentation and master something that will forever change your “luck” with men. It really is an unfair advantage that I want to give you, but I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether you will use this knowledge to capture his heart.
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Should I text him this or give him a note and put it in his mail box or card with a flower?
Hi C,
Since I don’t know much about your situation, I can’t give more specific advice other than a kind and thoughtful note is always nice to receive. However, I would avoid the mailbox unless you are a federally employed postal worker as this is illegal in the US to place items in a mailbox.
All the best,
Tracey
What kind of thoughtful note should I send? I did give him some books and a pic of his dog and cat before.
Maybe like a week or two ago.
Hi James, I am in the no contact phase with my ex, and I have been urged by different breakup and relationship coaches to never break no contact. I have never had a 1on 1 coaching session in the past. But I am wondering if this guide will be of hope to me, since I am in no contact. If possible please privately reach out to me via email or Instagram.
Thanks
Leela
Hi James,
I wanted to reach out because I had purchased your program/course. I was hoping it would help me to get my ex back after a break up but I am unsure how to apply those aspects to getting someone back. Is it the correct program? If so could you help explain some ways to incorporate them?
Thanks!
Jess
Hey, Jess. Thanks for supporting my work with your purchase of one of my programs. While any of my self-study relationship insight courses can help to rekindle a relationship with an ex, this is the one that is most specifically designed for that purpose: The Relationship Rewrite Method
And while these courses do not include personal guidance from me, our insider’s club gets you access to my hand-picked coaches who can help you sort through the specifics as you apply the key ideas in your unique situation. Here’s the link to join our Irresistible Insiders Club. I hope to see you in there!
I sent the one phrase that was listed here and He asked me (ex bf) “What question is entering your mind?” and now I don’t know what to say, James can you help me?
Hey, Jessica. That phrase from the article was really meant to be stated in passing, as an aside just before changing the subject.
But since you messaged it to him, you could just respond in a way that leaves it as an open question that doesn’t require either of you to “solve it” or figure it out.
An example would be as follows:
You: “I find myself wondering if the last chapter of our relationship has actually been written. I don’t know why that question keeps popping into my mind.”
Him: What question is entering your mind?”
You: Oh, just noticing how life takes interesting turns we sometimes didn’t see coming. It’s just me pondering what path the future might take. Nothing but a passing thought in my mind. But it got me thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.”
Hi James, I purchased your secret obsesión book read it and why men pull away and chase signal. We been together for 33 yrs and married 7 of does yrs, we have been fighting off and on since he retired for stupid things mostly my fault, we had a fight because of a comment I made and he went silent and does not want to speak to me and have nothing to do with our relationship but he wants to continue living in our house together, he has not said we are done but he refuses to talk to me. I love him very much and I don’t want to throw away 33 yrs. I just don’t know what signal to use or what to say to bring him back, I have apologized HELP!!!
Hey, Sandra. It might require a couple more weeks of cooling off time, but applying the steps from The Relationship Rewrite Method is all about bypassing the need to first fix the “fight issue” and tap into the positive emotions he associates with you. It’s all about which door we open in someone’s mind when we communicate with them.
There’s a time and place to work through fights and frustrations to find common ground and forgiveness, but when a person is mad enough to ignore us, we have to open one of the doors to shared memories of beautiful moments… and then let that simmer a bit with no agenda or pressure to move the conversation on (yet).
Thank you James I did purchase that program too Relationship Rewrite Method I read it but it’s so confusing
In your response here you say to bypass the fight not to fix it and instead do the steps from the relationship rewrite method is that what you are saying. My thing is that I keep purchasing programs and I really do not know at this point which one is the right one for my situation
I also forgot to mention to you that it will be 3 months since our fight on August 10th 2022. You said it will take a couple more weeks is that correct,
Can I say the phrase to him through chat or nah?