Lauren had a problem.

She had a casual thing going with a guy she really liked. It was all going so well. She’d never been happier. Except…

She was developing “feelings.”

I had to smile as she put air quotes around the word, like it was a horrible thing to confess.

“I feel like I’ve betrayed him in a weird way. We’re supposed to be hanging out and having fun. And now I’ve gone and wrecked it.” She sniffed and glanced away from me.

“What do you want, Lauren?” I asked gently.

“I want to tell him, but he’s said he’s broken up with women in the past because they wanted something more and he didn’t.”

Lauren wasn’t the first to come to me with this situation, and she won’t be the last.

Younger generations in particular feel less pressure to define a relationship. They just want to explore their connection and see what happens.

But what do you do when you’re not content with that?

Can a casual thing turn serious? And what’s the best of way of making that happen?

Why He Doesn’t Want Anything Serious

I explained to Lauren that there are two common reasons for a man not wanting anything serious:

1. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your feelings. He just wants to have fun. He wants the freedom to decide whether he feels like seeing you again or not.
2. He doesn’t want to give you false hope. He doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t want to build a life with someone. He still wants to enjoy companionship, though.

If her guy belongs to the first group, it’s very likely that telling him about her feelings will lead him to break it off.

He agreed to this casual thing on the condition that feelings wouldn’t be part of it.

From his perspective, feelings complicate things. Feelings obligate him to treat her differently. He doesn’t want that responsibility.

If her guy belongs to the second group, however, there’s hope.

He may be open to becoming a couple as long as it’s understood that there’s no promise of any bigger commitment (like marriage or moving in together).

Figure Out What You Want

I asked Lauren to think a little more deeply about what she wanted.

She didn’t just want him to know how she felt. She also wanted their relationship to change. But how?

Did she want them to become a couple?

Did she want them to see each other more often? Text each other more often?

Did she want to do more “couple-type things” rather than just hanging out?

Did she want the right to be more emotionally expressive and affectionate?

It’s very possible that if she went to her guy with a couple of those requests, he’d be open to it.

She’s not dumping her feelings at his feet, expecting him to do something about it.

She’s suggesting new things she’d like to do with him.

When Communicating Doesn’t Work

In an ideal world, Lauren could go to him and ask to clarify what exactly they both want from each other.

But in many casual situations, these sorts of conversations are seen as straying too close to “real relationship” territory.

If it’s casual, it should be spontaneous and unplanned.

Sadly, “spontaneous and unplanned” is a recipe for confusion and misunderstanding. You don’t know what you can and can’t do. You can’t even ask him.

Some guys prefer this, because they don’t want to have those conversations. They’re averse to any kind of rules. They don’t want to have to think about what they want or what you expect.

These guys tend to be poor at relationships.

When Communicating Does Work

But there are other guys who do welcome the opportunity to talk about it.

For them, a casual relationship is about enjoying good companionship while remaining independent.

They’re open to romantic dates and meeting your friends, as long you don’t expect them to give up their own life.

These men can find it hard to meet women who want the same thing.

They either meet women who want marriage and kids, or they meet women who want feelings-free hookups. They want someone who’s happy residing in that gray area in the middle.

If that’s you, then start a conversation about it. Ask him:

“What do you think the difference is between a casual relationship and a serious one?”

Find out why he’s averse to getting too serious. You may have more common ground than you realize.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Finally, I want Lauren (and you!) to know that there’s nothing wrong with developing feelings for someone.

Love happens.

You’re not betraying him. You’re not wrecking it. You’re just changing.

See your feelings as the nicest kind of gift. They’re a compliment to him.

Instead of doing what so many women do—announce how they feel and hope for a positive reaction—use your feelings to inspire you to try something new in your relationship.

Share a vulnerable story. Ask about his childhood. Dare to suggest weekend plans.

He may be open to more than you realize, but you’ll never know unless you ask.