Do you compare yourself to other women?
I know, dumb question.
It’s hard not to. In fact, it’s perfectly natural.
But here’s the problem. As a relationship consultant, I often see the negative impact it has on a woman’s social confidence.
And that’s because we tend to compare ourselves with the few people who seem to have it all together. She’s got a killer job, a beautiful face, perfect hair, money for all the right accessories, and the guys she dates . . .
She makes it look easy. And in the process, she makes you feel less confident.
She may be a friend. She could be an enemy. She might even be a frenemy. Whatever category she falls into, you seethe with jealousy. Why does she get all of that while you feel like you have to work really hard for a fraction of the success?
Here’s something to consider. Maybe she isn’t as happy and confident as she seems.
Her dating success is maddening. Why does it seem so effortless for her when you’re working your tail off?!
How can you be expected to tolerate her easy success? In a word, gracefully. And here’s how you pull that off.
Remember what you can’t see.
You see all the things about your rival’s life that look awesome, including her apparent luck with guys. But that’s not the whole story.
Who knows what kinds of insecurity, dysfunction or hard work lie beneath the surface? Maybe her skin tone is horrible, but she shells out big bucks for premium concealer. Maybe she spends hours every day at the gym. Maybe she’s miserable despite appearances.
Who knows?
It’s impossible to tell when you’re on the outside looking in.
Remember what you know about you.
Besides, who cares why her life is so great? It’s not like there’s a limited amount of happiness in the world. Her success doesn’t derail yours.
You’re pretty amazing in your own right, and that matters way more for your dating success.
Guys consistently report that confidence is easily one of the sexiest traits a woman can embody.[1] Rooting yourself in your own positive traits is a far better strategic move than playing the comparison game.
Let her do her thing. You do yours.
Remember your own goals.
Finally, don’t get caught up in trying to gauge your dating success based on what someone else has. You might not even want what she has.
Instead, give some real thought to what you want. Decide what will make you happy. Then go after that. If it doesn’t look as glamorous as what someone else has, that’s totally okay.
It’s not about how your relationship looks from the outside. It’s about how it feels on the inside.
Every person on the planet slips into moments of jealousy and quiet rage. Guys and girls alike sometimes feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick while someone else has it easy.
When you feel that way, try to remember that you don’t have the whole story on anyone else. And even if you do, that doesn’t change how incredible you are or how important your personal goals are.
You do you. That’s the surest path to real romantic fulfillment.
[1] Swain, Michael. “The Attractiveness of Confidence.” SPSP. Society for Personality and Social Psychology, 16 Sept. 2015. Web. 05 July 2017.
Hello Pamela,
James is spot on with his suggestion of opening up with some emotional intimacy. I am familiar with the quiz he refers to, but I personally prefer to gradually explore some of these questions and/or variations on them over time with a man I am interested in.
About a year ago, I met a man who was like the gentleman you described. For years I thought I had to be perfect and so carefully kept up my guard, using wit and showing my cleverness, never letting any of my imperfections and/or vulnerabilities show. This behavior became automatic for me. Everything seemed perfect between us, but I would’nt have paid any attention to him if I had not been fed up with dating jerks. But somehow he intrigued me because he is so different in positive ways. He’s not perfect, but I decided to find out if I could slowly let down my mask and trust him on a deeper level. It was a risk, but I began by really listening to him and just asking a few personal questions after he tells me something he feels is important. I have come to realize he is reserved (as am I) and does not easily communicate his feelings. Low and behold, I have a similar problem.
So I am also trying to focus on opening up and sharing some of my insecurities and concerns with him so he can see the whole picture. Of course, I don’t do this all the time because I don’t want to overwhelm him. But I do not want to feel invisible to him either. And I don’t want him to be invisible to me.
I have left out many details of my situation and generalized my relationship, but long story short, I’m learning how important it is to work to get past appearances, my own and his. It’s not easy, but so far it has deepened our friendship.
It’s been a give and take process, a huge step for me emotionally, but definitely worthwhile. I could not have sat down and taken that intimacy quiz with him in one evening. However, it can be a very useful guideline that you can adapt for your own situation.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi, any advice on how to make myself fall for a man – perfect all round catch and he is crazy about me, but I am well just not buzzing about him – I haven’t had that exciting draw emotional desire (had previously) but this guy is fantastically kind, generous and thoughtful, even in a fantastic financial position and willing to share all with myself and my crew. I am trying to stay with it, give my feelings time to grow and he does make me laugh – but well nothing turns me on about him and I wish it would. Can you help?
Hi Pamela. Interesting question. Sometimes, our biochemistry tells us this person is too similar to us to be a good mate. But if you haven’t already tried it, you might see how things change if you build emotional intimacy. Check out this article for a fascinating experiment: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=0