Why do you date?
To find someone to love for a lifetime, right?
And the best way to do that, most of us assume, is to become the best version of ourselves we can possibly be. Invest in yourself, and love will come calling.
But Ken Page has a different idea.
He wants you to stop fixing yourself and start accepting yourself, exactly as you are right now in this moment.
Because the person you are is PERFECT. Even your flaws. Even your weaknesses. Even your mistakes.
It’s what you think is worst about yourself, he says, that will lead you home.
That’s the idea behind deeper dating, a revolutionary philosophy on love that turns conventional wisdom upside down.
In a world where so many men and women spend precious resources trying to be more appealing to the opposite sex, you’d think it would be easier to find love than ever. We’re better looking. We’re more cosmopolitan. We’re more debonair. 😉
Yet today’s singles find dating to be harder than people did 100 years ago.
Modern women are more attractive, witty, and desirable than ever, yet marriages that last a lifetime are increasingly out of reach.
Could it be because dating has become increasingly artificial? Singles hide their true selves behind a mask of selfies, texts, and Spanx. Everything is designed to appeal to the opposite sex; everything that might be unappealing is carefully hidden.
So, when a man falls for a woman—and she falls for him—they’re falling for each other’s false self. They’re not seeing what’s truest about each other. They’re seeing what the other person wants them to see.
No wonder relationships fall apart so fast.
As you get closer, you begin to trust one another. You let down your guard. You reveal more of your true self. But your true self can look a little (or a lot) different from the woman he met on that first date. Maybe she was confident, but you’re shy. Maybe she was up for anything, while you’re more cautious.
Hopefully, his initial positive impression of you will sweep him past those revelations, but it might not. He might break things off when he sees you’re not the woman he imagined in his head.
Men are just as guilty of presenting a false self on a date. I’m sure you’ve experienced the kind, funny, communicative guy who turns into a dark, monosyllabic jerk once you’re in a relationship!
If what we want is solid, compatible relationships, then we’ve got to stop focusing on acing that first date. We’ve got to focus on authenticity. Showing each other who we truly are, even if that isn’t Insta-worthy.
Here’s what that might look like (and why it’s so valuable).
Recently I read about a woman who decided to stop wearing makeup on first dates. If a man could fall for her the way she genuinely looked, then she knew the attraction was genuine.
A naked face? For many women, that’s risky.
But not as risky as a naked soul.
When you commit to being real, you may find it more difficult to find your rhythm on a date. It’s so easy to slide into the same flirtatious banter, exchanging favorite bands and hobbies with a knowing wink.
Your real self may want to know what this man’s personal journey has been, what you could learn from him, whether he values integrity as much as you do, and why he chose to go out with you.
That’s incredibly intimate for a first date. Is it too intimate? Or is it exactly right, given that you’ve got this one chance to find out if your souls resonate?
“The real search for love,” Page writes, “is about embracing our most authentic self, sharing that true self with the precious people who know how to honor it, and learning to offer others the same in return.”[1]
From this view, you’re not dating to find that perfect person.
You’re dating to test out your ability to create intimacy with this person.
Perhaps he’s not one of those “precious people who know how to honor” you. If so, you need to know now.
Instead of finding out whether he likes the same bands or hobbies, find out whether he’s kind, warm, and emotionally available. Find out whether he loves those funny, weird things that make you YOU. Find out whether he knows how to tread softly around the places you’re sore.
A man who can fall in love with your good points is easy to find.
But a man who can fall in love with ALL of you, even the parts you think are bad?
He very well might be the one.
[1] Deeper Dating (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2015) 2.
The love of my life who I married at age 23 took his own life. I have been devastated, yet am now ready to find another heart throb, partner and best friend.
I am 75 but very young at heart and walk 7+ miles each day and actively play tennis. I am looking for a partner who enjoys a vital lifestyle as well as a devoted partnership.
You seem to make dating very complex. When two people have similar interests and a positive first conversation, this is what leads to further communication. It will only take 1 or 2 meetings to know if there is a connection.
We’ll certainly take your perspective into account, and value it, Lynn. Thanks for your contribution here. I hope you find a man who can match your passion for life!
James
I am very comfortable going out in public “make up naked” and not styling my hair. I have lots of hair and styling takes an hour or more. Time is precious! Adult life is full of responsibility and chores so is getting all “dolled up” really important?
I like this article about authenticity when meeting people. A friend of mine once told me, who has no trouble attracting men what so ever, that you do your hair and make up for you. Not them, but it shows men that you “take care of yourself” so you would be good at caring for them.
I guess my question is,
Where is the fine line between authenticity and showing men that you take care of yourself?
That’s the way I’ve always dated, and I’ve always been very popular – not with everyone, but plenty for me!
Some advice I received many years ago resonates with this column: You need to look for the partner whose flaws you can accept. That is so true because over time the things that attracted you to him/her lose their shine and the flaws can become glaring and hard to overlook, if the flaws are things that really get to you.
Recently I was dating a person whom I thought was The One. He is concerned that he’s too practical a person and married to his job while I’m a romantic kind of person who loves surprises and gestures. While I don’t really consider myself as a romantic person but compared to him – I might be. After we broke up the first time and he decided to give it another chance he said that maybe I had become more mature and wiser. I think what he meant by that was I needed to be very realistic and not to expect him to be available because he already told me that he gives priority to his work, even over his family. Which is, he meant it as a concrete fact. I’m assuming priorities changes in life but finding a partner is not his priority and therefore not making the effort or giving the attention to make the relation survive. After we agreed to end the relation when we met again he was happy to see me so I don’t know if there is hope to make it work.
I wouldn’t go into a relationship hoping the other person will change. The fact that he has clearly chosen his work over family & relationships should be a red flag. You want to be with a man who will cherish you & the marriage & time with you. Don’t settle for less than the best out of a scarcity mindset.