Which of these apologies sounds more powerful coming from your man?
“I’m sorry your feelings got hurt.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”
Have you ever gotten an apology that didn’t feel like an apology at all?
It didn’t really make you feel better, did it?
Apologies with qualifiers don’t work. Okay, so they kind of work. At bare minimum, they demonstrate an attempt to mend things. But they also come off sounding insincere. It’s a missed opportunity for healing.
An apology that seems to be focused on letting yourself off the hook just doesn’t have much impact. In contrast, an apology that focuses on acknowledging another person’s pain can be profoundly healing.
Men and women talk about their emotional wounds differently in close relationships. Ask a man why he is frustrated and he is likely to say he was “blown off” or “disrespected.”
In contrast, women tend to talk about “feeling hurt” by a partner’s actions. Sadly, the language we use to express our feelings sets us up for apologies that only go halfway.
Consider this hypothetical: You’re on your way to a party. He’s certain he knows the way, but he ends up getting lost. You’re not overly worried about getting there on time–it’s a party. No one’s going to be on time. So, to lighten the mood, you make a joke about his lack of navigational skills.
He clenches the steering wheel. He’s wondering why you would kick him while he’s down. He feels disrespected.
But you didn’t mean to disrespect him! You were only making a joke. So you say, “I’m sorry you felt disrespected. I was only kidding.”
That sounds like a good apology, right? But there’s a problem. Instead of hearing what you said, he’ll hear something totally different. Something along the lines of, “I didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ll jump through the hoop of an apology if it will help you to feel better. (Even though I really shouldn’t have to. Because I didn’t do anything wrong.)”
Telling him you’re sorry he felt disrespected doesn’t work because it does nothing to address his emotional pain. Instead of validating how he feels, he’s likely to think you’re doing the opposite. In trying to make the distinction that you didn’t mean to hurt him, you run the risk of making things worse.
So, what’s a girl to do?
Say you’re sorry the way he wants to hear it. The way he needs to hear it. Simply say, “I’m sorry I disrespected you.”
Wait a minute! Hold on. That makes it sound like you’re to blame!
You’re right. It does. But that’s not the point. The goal is to remove the obstacle that’s holding the two of you apart. If he needs to hear an apology that matches his perspective in order to let go of his emotional pain, isn’t that what really matters?
A lot of women worry the guy will take advantage if they say they’re sorry for something they never intended to do. However, the truth is that rarely happens. Even if he seems angry, underneath his rage he’s really just hurting.
When you address his emotions by offering a no-strings-attached apology, you’re freeing him from that pain. That paves the way for the two of you to reconnect.
What’s more, when things have calmed down, you can always clarify. It’s totally okay to tell him you never meant to disrespect him. He’ll even appreciate hearing it, so long as you’ve already apologized.
The emotional healing has to happen first.
It’s a tall order. I won’t deny that. When you feel 100% certain you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s hard to offer a simple apology. Even if you understand how much more powerful that kind of apology is, some part of you will want to choose words that clearly communicate you didn’t do anything wrong.
Avoid the temptation.
Instead, remember what’s truly important to you. The man you care about is hurting. It’s not about whether or not you meant to hurt him. At that moment, it’s all about doing what you can to help him move past his pain.
Embrace the power of a simple, no-strings-attached apology. It can spare you hours of unnecessary tension.
On the flip side, a guy I was into threw a tantrum out of nowhere, and I stayed calm while he did not. At the end, we kind of talked about why he was upset, but it was never really clear; it was all very confusing. In the end, I hoped we had settled it for the time being, and he was agreeing to it be settled. The next time I saw him, I told him I forgave him. I didn’t know if he was embarrassed by his emotional outburst, or felt awkward, and it was my way of saying, “don’t worry about it. I’m passed it.” However, he took great offense to this, and was still holding a grudge 6 months later, and being emotional about it and didn’t want to talk about it. I’m confused. I was trying to ease things over. Did I do something wrong?
Any time you say “I forgive you,” you are judging him and saying he did something wrong. You are acting superior to him, and no one likes that. You are showing him that you are still thinking about his behavior and that you still think it was wrong. But you said you only “kind of talked about” the reason for his outburst and never really understood the reason. It sounds like you owe him an apology for being so judgmental. I bet that after you apologize he will open up and talk to you about why he got angry in the first place.
This is relevant for me. My boyfriend has been picking arguments with me for a few weeks now, and I’m feeling like I’ll ultimately have to dump him if I want to be free of walking on eggshells in fear of saying something that will trigger him telling me I’ve done or said something that puts me at fault in some way he just won’t let go of.
Our argument yesterday morning seems to have stemmed from his not having heard me say sorry after he exclaimed (and went on about) my fingernail “pinching” him (of course accidentally). This article addresses my thought just this morning of the possibility that what seems to be an emotional maturity and communication problem on his part could possibly not be so simple. He should take responsibility for his half of things, and he ought to recognize that turning mole hills into mountains like he has been these past weeks will just destroy our connection if he keeps at it. But maybe I can find the strength and willingness to allow him to blame me for every little thing if it means he might just knock it off.
Denise, no your intention was positive; he just took it badly. It seems like interactions that go south like yours either need to work themselves out at some point or the people just aren’t able to communicate. I think this HI stuff is great, but what effort are men putting in to match ours?
I agree that simply saying I’m sorry I disrespected you and then giving some time for him to recover before explaining it wasn’t meant as disrespect is wise. It isn’t about whether he should accept an explanation, it is about whether he can. After all, the comment was supposed to make him feel better, but with him already feeling bad it simply misfired. The important thing is to restore relationship, not whether he is being oversensitive.
Thanks James, I love the way your messages make me stop and think.
Men do think differently from women.
Useful tips, thankyou.
I feel that this scenario paints the man as a very sensitive person, one who cannot take a joke. Unless you ridicule or joke about his driving a lot I do not think that making a mountain out of a molehill is worth it. Also, the apology, when no feelings were meant to be hurt turns his mind to that joke and may make it worse. Maybe just a heartfelt thank you for getting us here when you arrive might be better and the rest is forgotten. Making light of a mistake instead of making it a bigger deal than it needs to be or coming across as insecure in your relationship or what you are able to say to him or joke with him about. Mind you in instances where it should be a bigger deal where you are in the wrong. Apologizing and owning your mistake is vital as is doing it the right way. Starting a habit of tiptoeing about what you say around your man is a habit that will continue throughout the relationship. It is not something you want and a woman needs to be happy if not then a man will feel like he is responsible.
Susannne, I do wonder if a man can’t meet a woman in the middle but rather is stuck thinking it’s her fault every perceived slight he needs to do some growing up? I am in a relationship which has started me down the path of walking on eggshells in fear of saying or doing something which will set him off on another argument based in misunderstanding.
I learned a good template for apology that I still use to this day and it works in almost all situations. 1) Own what you did. 2) Validate the result of your actions and 3) Say you’re sorry and state how you’re going to keep it from happening again (and then, of course, you have to really not let it happen again). So, in this case, it might sound like “I’m so sorry I made fun of your navigational skills when we were lost. I know that you’re not always like that and it was really insensitive of me. I totally kicked you when you were down and I feel bad that I did that. I know it probably felt terrible in a situation where you were already super-frustrated. I was just trying to lighten the mood and it totally backfired. I’m really sorry. I will really try to read situations better in the future.”
I love that!
This is the best example of a real apology that I’ve ever seen. Thank you!
Thanks everyone for wonderful ideas.
James,
What about the quote from Erich Segal, in Love Story:
…”In love you never say ” I’m sorry!”…?
If there is love, it should’t be any reasons to bad behaviior and to apologize, isn’t it? And if there is bad behavior, maybe there is no love and the two shouldn’t be together anyway.
Ummm. No
That quote is awful.
That would only work if you and your partner are perfect.
Loving someone will not make one perfect… It makes you vulnerable. And when people are vulnerable they can easily get upset, and make mistakes, when just being alive will help you make mistakes.
Do NOT fall into the trap of thinking that love perfects you as a person. Out that someone loving you protects your life. Love actually does the opposite –it brings out all your imperfections so that you can learn how to love someone else, and yourself, authentically and with kindness.
That quote, that mindset is an unrealistic myth… A cop out keeping the person believing it from putting in the effort to change and grow– to encompass somebody else’s needs and values alongside your own, while affirming and respecting both. That’s what love is.
I understand what you’re saying, emotional healing is important, but (1) if you didn’t do anything wrong, you shouldn’t have to apologize for your actions; more to the point, you should never apologize for doing something you didn’t do, and (2) what ever happened to people being responsible for their own feelings; no one “makes us” feel anything, we do that on our own, rightly or wrongly.
Now if a woman does actually say or do something disrespectful, she absolutely should apologize. But if a man feels disrespected, and no disrespectful words/actions were made (or intended), she should only apologize that her actions produced the response and find out why that is so, so it doesn’t happen again. And vice versa for women who react from a bad place. We’re talking about adults, here, not young children. We learn each other’s triggers this way, so we can avoid them, and hopefully become closer in the process, no?
I think your perspective is correct, Karena, and it is the perspective I started with. Experience has taught me that we still react as if other people are responsible for our feelings (even though we should not react that way).
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? You can’t have both, bc being right means forcing your partner to be wrong and there is no happiness from that.
The kind of apologizing that James is talking about is just about validating how the person feels, and showing that he matters to you. If you unintentionally dropped something and it landed on your partner’s foot, are you not going to show any concern for the injury just because you didn’t do it on purpose? You can say sorry and show love to your partner, while still expressing that it wasn’t your intention. Example: “Baby I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, I was trying to make a joke, but now I can see how it must have sounded disrespectful to you. I’ll try to come up with more respectful jokes next time.”
This is the way I treat my man, and it’s the way he treats me. I highly recommend trying it. It feels great for both of us.
I really enjoyed all your articles James but one thing I have realised is this: men ARE too complicated and too sensitive in relationships. Little boys can take and handle (not feeling quickly crashed or experiencing emotional “pain or hurt (that Men saw as disrespect) far better than ADULT men. Adult men are like “crying sulking willies”. Much too sensitive for their own EGOS. I agree with Jennifer above. Women will not even be bothered if a man is commenting on her ” lack of navigational skills”. Will laugh it off. But with men you as a woman must always “walking and speaking on egg shells” because of their little sensitive egos. Must say i saw this attitude more with European and American men. Sorry to say. I grew up with three older brothers and until today they are not like this and even my husband. Thank God for that..
That’s: I have great respect for YOU.
Wow. Thanks for the feedback; you made my day. Your blogs consistently enlighten and entertain. I have great respect for your.
Is there a third option here? How about: “I am so sorry I disrespected you. I would never intentionally be disrespectful.”
I have to say, that might be even better. Thanks for sharing that, Jess.
I have to say this doesn’t work.
I was raised to not only say sorry, but to explain WHY I was sorry. I was told by the boyfriend that all he wants is “I’m sorry”. Nothing after that. They’re “qualifiers”. While I think this is bullcrap thinking to be honest, its what he wants.
I get really annoyed with it. If you don’t understand my motivation behind what I did or why I did it — aren’t I just going to wind up upsetting you again, or can you possibly work with me to find a way to alter the situation or how you perceive it in the future by having a little bit more of an understanding behind the “why” it occurred in the first place?
I agree that the male ego is far too sensitive. They can joke about you in front of their friends, or yours and if you get upset — you’re being too sensitive or a being “such a girl”. But if you do the same to him “its disrespectful and you should apologize”. *sigh* It really is frustrating to deal with.
Hey Natasha. I agree, he’s being way to sensitive. So sensitive, in fact, that he is trying to avoid his own emotions… the emotions that arise when you try to talk something out with him like adults.
Still, you might try this method as described in the article even if he says he doesn’t want anything to come after “I’m sorry,” because in this case, what comes after is nothing but ownership (taking ownership for how you annoyed or hurt him). It’s actually more of a “real” apology rather than an apology with qualifiers.