Be for what you want. Not against what you don’t want.
I think Mother Teresa was brilliant when she responded to a question by saying “I’m not against war. I’m for peace.”
Whatever you are against becomes a bigger part of your life. If you are against your irritating boss, he takes up more space in your mind.
If you are against cold weather, you focus more on the snow and biting winds and less on the warm, cozy retreats where we can escape from the weather.
When you fill your mind with things you want, you experience a more satisfying life.
Nowhere is that more true than in romantic relationships.
As an example, let’s take a look at one of the most common frustrations between men and women.
Men try to fix things. It makes us bad listeners. We offer advice too quickly.
You have a rough day. You start to tell him about it.
All you really wanted was a companion. Someone to be a witness to the frustrations you are experiencing in your life right now. You wanted to bond with him by sharing a frustration you were facing.
But his brain is wired differently.
From early childhood, we guys learn to bond with each other by identifying a problem or goal. Then we join forces to beat the problem or accomplish the goal.
In our joint attack, we show no mercy. And when it’s all over, we revel in the glory of what we shared together. The battle against a shared enemy forges a stronger bond between us.
Very different approaches to bonding, right?
Given this situation, it’s natural that you might be against his knee-jerk “fix-it” response.
On the other hand, you like him. So you don’t want to push him away. You don’t want to belittle his listening skills. Or point out the ways he is inferior at bonding and connecting with you compared with your girlfriends.
This is where Mother Teresa’s way of thinking comes to our aid. It shines a light down a new corridor, revealing a path we had not seen before.
Rather than being against his masculine habits, look for a way to flip the problem on its head.
Reverse it.
We can state the problem as a positive desire rather than something negative we are against. Suddenly, our creativity comes to life. Our deeper wisdom begins to surface.
It’s no panacea. Mother Teresa did not put an end to war. But she shifted her own mental energy toward something, instead of drawing battle lines.
She retained the power to give her own mental space to the things she valued.
In the same way, I do not have a solution for you today. Just one alternative. One way to focus on the underlying desire to connect with your man.
With that introduction, let’s take a look at…
A Sneaky Way to Connect with Your Man
It’s a method for creating the feeling that you’re both on the same team. It gets him rooting for you.
And the idea is quite simple. Just ask him for some advice.
As Lawrence J Peter said, “You don’t have to take a person’s advice to make him feel good–just ask for it.”
Asking for advice is enough. So don’t think you have to take his advice just because he offers it.
It’s the request for advice that does the trick. It makes him feel respected. It makes him feel like an important person in your life. And men love that feeling.
At the same time, he starts to look at the world from your perspective. It happens automatically when he tries to think of something useful to offer.
That’s because when people ask for advice, there’s a hidden double message.
In seeking advice, we are typically looking for an accomplice. A collaborator. A partner. Someone to help us accomplish an end goal.
And men love to work on things. That’s why he’s always trying to fix you instead of just listening.
But here’s the twist. Your request for advice can go something like this:
“Sweetie, I had a rough day and I just feel like venting about it. Because you care about me, I know you’re instinct is to try to fix the things that bother me.
But since I just want to vent, do you have any advice on how I can share my frustrations right now without triggering your desire to fix it?”
He’ll love it.
He doesn’t have to read your mind to know what you want. You’ve offered him a way to bond with you by striving for a goal. Only this time, the goal is for him to offer nothing more than silent comfort and understanding.
This is gold…thank you!
Also a conversation I had with my teen boys recently, and advice I (finally) took myself: Don’t “should” people. We all should each other. He SHOULD love me the way I am, in sweats with no makeup. He SHOULD answer my texts the way I want him to (whatever that is). She SHOULD need less reassurance about us… Stuff like that.
Yet, we fell in love with that person the way they are, not the way they should be. That’s another angle on your message of positive thoughts, I think…loving and appreciating what is, not trying to make it fit some idealized fairy tale version of life but valuing the person without shoulding them. 🙂 When I screw up in relationships, it’s almost always because I’m shoulding the other person…
@Lisa married for 25 years. I can’t reply to your text directly for some technical reason but I hope you get this. I was you 9 months ago. Please follow James’ advice for winning back your husband. Turning to others, affairs, is caused by some lacking in the current relationship. James’ guidance is very powerful and knowledgeable, please interact with your husband in the way that a man responds to emotionally. Also read the book empowered wife by Laura Doyle. Also listen to Liam Niesen podcasts for winning back a spouse. Another informational book is called improving your marriage without talking. I am praying for your success
Hi,
I fell deeply in love almost 1 year ago, unfortunately, it was great to start, he so was attentive, affectionate, but things changed, and we lasted 5 months. I tried desperately to get what we had back, but felt constant rejection, and humiliation, so finally a month later I stopped reaching out. He told me it was over, and he would never see me again, but he loved me??? He felt that love was not enough, we were too different.
3 months later, he called again, opened his heart to me, told me he had to change, and grow up, and realized I was a very good person and didn’t want to lose me.
I was still deeply in love and was willing to give us another chance, we texted and spoke daily, but he never managed to come to see me.
I was very frustrated, as to why he needed a 3 month break, only after 5 months of being together, and if he missed me so much, this reunion was never evolving. He made many future plans and talked as if we were a couple again, but finally after a month, he changed his mind overnight???
I wanted to be be wined and dined, to start a fresh beginning, I wanted the romance all over again, I wanted to take things slow, he didn’t see why that necessary, since we already had been in a relationship.
Yes, but, a relationship he walked away from for months. I was deeply hurt, and was worried that he may do it again, and its not fair to me. He walked away, again!!! I was hurting for weeks. I took several days, wrote a very emotional letter of me deepest feelings, and was hoping to see him in person. I poured my heart and soul into this letter, after I tried calling him twice and he ignored me. I decided to mail it, along with a Christmas card, and lottery ticket, I wished him and his 2 young girls all the best for the holidays. I received a simple merry Christmas text. That was it. No mention of this letter, or Christmas card. It has me very distraught, as i expected at least a thank-u for the card, but absolutely nothing! I have come to suspect he has someone new in his life within the last week.
I just feel, that things were left unresolved and there was no closure for me. I dont know if he picked up his mail, did he read it, but no a shred of decency to say 1 word??? That’s simply cruel.
It is very hard and humiliating to continue to try and contact him, but i can’t sleep at night, not knowing did he receive his mail, did he not open it, It has been 7 weeks, and its a painful roller-coaster for me, for months now.
Help, plz.
Run girl! You deserve a man who doesn’t flake out on you. If a man breaks up with you, don’t look back. Take the lesson and look forward to a new man!
I agree. This happened to me, too. The best way to get over a man is to get under a new man.
I’ve been in the same situation exactly. I’m also not sure how to get over it.
Wow, how I understand you.
This hurt seems to never go. But choose to be your favorite person, make decision to go away and never look back. The person who humiliates you and doesn’ t bother about you in the slightest, was never meant to be. Love is kind. There is no cruelty in love. Cherish yourself and know that we don’t need to live our life for someone who can live it without us. Hope you will find your bright future sooner than you hope.
Make up a situation if you have to but let him be your hero!
He’s finished with you. I had similar experience with a man and there are some who don’t see a need to give explanation for disappearing from your life. As much as it hurts you, Move on God has something better for you down the road!
I’ve dated a guy for 13 months. When he was recently in hospital he introduced me as “the wife.” He dated 2 other women when he & I started dating. He still communicates with ex. When I say I don’t like that he helps her with every little thing, he asks why it bothers me? He tells & shows in many ways how much he cares. His family & I get along very well. What do I do or say?
Hey Dee,
The fact that he called you “the wife” does seem to suggest that he’s committed to you. Here’s an article I found that James wrote a while back about this exact situation. It’s called Is it Okay if He’s Friends with His Ex. I hope it helps!
Sending positive vibes your way,
Tracey
My name is Lisa. I’ve been married for 25 years and four years ago at least, in 2017 a young woman started private messaging my husband. Over the course of two years I literally watched his love for me diminish and I didn’t know how to stop it and it just got worse until one day he open the door by confessing he sent her a text that had stepped over the line. I told him I knew exactly what time of day that it occurred and who it was too and I was correct. I’m still trying to get over it but it’s also taking him a lot longer to admit just how deep his feelings are for her. Though he’s trying hard to pretend and act like he still has the same love for me, it’s quite clear that it’s gone, it’s over but he will not leave me. He’s staying with me but I don’t know how to stay with someone that I have to watch love someone else in the way that he used to love me and I’m devastated. I’m like The Walking Dead now. Anything that I say upsets him and just pushes me further away. If somebody could just freaking help me without digging into my bank account every two seconds I would really like the love of my life back the way it used to be. Can somebody just please help me? Please I’m begging.
Don’t kid yourself. If you’re not a wife, don’t let him con you. He’ll drag you on for years calling you his wife or “fiance”. You’re no more than a girlfriend.
I have tried all that is sent. I listened and practiced everything. I think my kids father is so into himself or just so negative, it’s time to let go.
Sometimes it’s what’s more important, them and their unwillingness or you and your own self-worth. I have done it all and am being ghosted. I deserve better than that. No matter what’s going on with him, I at least deserve a response. No more games or manipulation. I will wait for someone that considers me a priority.
@Lisa married for 25 years. I can’t reply to your text directly for some technical reason but I hope you get this. I was you 9 months ago. Please follow James’ advice for winning back your husband. Turning to others, affairs, is caused by some lacking in the current relationship. James’ guidance is very powerful and knowledgeable, please interact with your husband in the way that a man responds to emotionally. Also read the book empowered wife by Laura Doyle. Also listen to Liam Niesen podcasts for winning back a spouse. Another informational book is called improving your marriage without talking. I am praying for your success
Me and my ex husband got back together he tells me he loves me but we dont hardly have sex am i being played a fool again
Great advice James, thank you:) ever since i started with your courses, my marriage keeps getting better & better. My husband often looks at me & asks me to talk just so he can hear my voice! I find this so amusing and … well, flattering. He was always so distant. Your advice has helped me be a better, more understanding person, which in turn has helped my husband to really see me, and really listen to me. He is a totally different man!
Ah, that is music to my ears. (Maybe I’m getting a glimpse of what your husband hears).
Thank you for encouraging me in my work, Anna. Thank you for investing in life and relationships and being a conduit for love.
This is honestly the best thing I’ve read today! Soo many times i try to vent to my man and he ends up giving me an advice when I was only trying to have a “gossip partner” more off and then it’d blow into a deep quarrel cause I’m so sensitive when people correct me. But this is the best way to initiate a real conversation when im Pissed! James you always come through! I’ve been a silent follower for too long but I’m too grateful for you! Thank you!!!!!
Thanks! Glad to have you as a reader.
James
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We have a long distance relationship, but I recently moved closer to him, but also to my family. We always had a great time together. We could talk about almost anything. We are almost in our thirties and he started mentioning that he wants to marry me. He even asked for pictures of what my engagement ring should look like. And we started making a guest list. We discussed details about what we would like at our wedding. But suddenly that all changed. He told me that he is a realistic person and that we are not engaged yet so we can not talk about those sort of things. I was researching a topic the other day and started to tell him ‘n bit about it when all of a sudden he said he isn’t interested in that subject. This week I had a really hard day and when I told him about it, he suddenly stopped me and told me I should give him the highlights of what happened. This really hurt my feelings. I didn’t even know how to respond or how to tell my story the way he wanted to hear. We ended up having a big fight. Things are OK now, but I feel very uncertain and confused. My gut tells me something is very wrong. I don’t know what to do. I really love this man and I miss the times we had together. Please help me?
Hey Lucy. I believe the answer to your question is probably a little more complicated than what can be addressed in a short response here on the blog. Please post your question with the necessary background information for one of our relationship coaches. It’s a paid service, but you’ll probably find it’s worthwhile.
I have a man that doesn’t conversate at all , I try to get him to talk to me but he says it’s hard to put his feeling’s out there . But, why can he talk to other women but not me? This is the love of my life and I feel lost when I can’t talk to him ,I don’t care he talks to other girls and guy’s but it make’s me feel alone .
We have been 2 get her 18 yrs and I feel I still have so much to say, just don’t no how to start cuz I don’t no how he’s going to act like I also wish our sex life was like it use to be but it needs more excitement I want to plz him in so many different ways I just don’t no what to start doing so I’m not turned down . He chats on dating sites and talks sweet to them . Is there something drifting in our relationship that you cld help him find me attractive like we was the first day we met? I need some advice and help. Plz help me. Very appreciated if you can send me something. I think we r wonderful together he’s my soulmate. All I want is to bring us closer instead of further. HELP ME PLZ…..
Thank you for the advise stuff I have read so far u have on here . Can’t wait to hear back the advise you have for me. We also have split up alote yrs. ago but since we have had our kids he has stayed faithful.But he’s distance again can u help me there? As much advice u cld give will help a lot.
Hi..
there is this guy who is in my school and used to text me a lot. Everyone teased us at school. The way he used to text made it clear that he liked me. We both went to the same after classes and he wouldn’t stop touching me. We used to talk the whole day. He definitely flirted with me. He would tell me the minutest details of his day like when he is disturbed after his parents fight. He had become my best friend in just 3 months. Then suddenly he started behaving very rudely with me something which he never did before. He stopped texting and behaved distant and cold. Its been over 3 months we stopped talking. after we stopped talking some of my other friends came over and told me about his flirtatious nature. I saw him talking to other girls many times but his behavior with them was completely different than what he behaved with me. While talking to other girls he had this cool stud type behavior but with he was a sweet helping good guy.. Every now and then when I m not looking he would steal glances at me and stare at me when our eyes meet..
I fail to understand the reason behind this cold behavior of his… Is it that i did something wrong? I don’t even remember being rude to him.. I even don’t understand why is his behavior different while talking to me and the other girls..
Should i just confront him directly..?
Yes, but don’t think of it as a confrontation or you will set yourself up for a bad experience.
Instead, think about it as an opportunity to learn something new. Clearly there is something going on in his mind that you do not understand. Think of it as a discovery process. Don’t rush it. Treat it like an archaeologist would treat something ancient buried in the ruins of a city. It’s a very careful process of uncovering and discovery. It’s not something you can rush.
With this “discovery” mindset you’ll be looking for insight. You won’t be confronting him and demanding that he change. You’ll be looking for the underlying motivation. This information will empower you with the knowledge you need to know what to do next.
James