Angie was excited when she met Scott. He seemed to be everything she wanted. An embodiment of the very affirmation she held over the past two months while working with me as her relationship coach.
I knew she was truly smitten with love when she said, “He just makes my heart sing!” That phrase was a part of an affirmation we had been working on since day one.
In my initial assessment of Angie’s situation, it became apparent that she had a self-defeating belief about relationships. There are many variations of this particular belief, but the general theme of it was this: “Guys are all pigs. True romance is a Hollywood illusion.”
This was an unconscious belief for Angie. It became apparent as we began discussing what kind of guy she would be really happy with.
We were trying to get through an worksheet on building a positive vision for the kind of guy she wanted to find. We were both in tears from laughing so hard by the time we got to the sixth item on the worksheet. Because every time Angie began to say something good she would like to find in a man, she had two sarcastic reasons why such a man could never actually exist!
The more we talked about it, the clearer it became to both of us that deep down in her heart, she did not believe any man would actually rise to the challenge of joining her in a truly satisfying relationship.
Your Beliefs Determine Much of Your Reality, and Influence Your Chances of Finding a True Relationship.
So we got to work on replacing that relationship-sabotaging belief with a new, more empowering one.
The new belief went like this: “I fully accept all the love and joy I experience because of my open embrace of a man who truly knows how to make my heart sing.”
This was a very personal affirmation for Angie. There is deep personal meaning in the particular words she chose. But it contains a general theme that’s helpful for many women. A positive expectation for something truly worthwhile.
In fact, that affirmation embodies one of the themes you will find in much of my advice about men, dating, and even yourself. Expect the best, demand the best, embrace the best, and you will get the best out of men and your relationships with them. It’s not just a catchy theme. It’s a rock solid foundation for real life results.
But I need to warn you about something when it comes to finding a true relationship.
I encourage you to give deeply of yourself in relationships. I encourage you to find special ways of demonstrating respect to bring out the best in the men you meet. But there is a warning that must go along with these positive expectations and selfless expressions of love:
Not all men are deserving of your love and devotion.
I wish I did not need to write this particular email, but this is a twin truth that forms the whole. There are men that are not your equal. There are men that do not deserve you.
It is important to me that you recognize this and that you recognize your authority and right to take all measures necessary to release yourself from interaction with toxic men.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that is abusive, bring the full power of your mind to the immediate first step of leaving that relationship behind.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a man that threatens or uses fear of any kind to manipulate you, no amount of respect will make that relationship into a good one.
Here is the message I want to make clear. The respect principle is a tool to empower you , as a woman, to bring out the very best in a man and cause him to feel attracted to you. But it has no place in a relationship with a man who does not intrinsically desire to reciprocate that respect.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me call your attention to your own affirmations. I want to encourage you to fully commit to finding a partner who can join you in creating lasting love and happiness. That kind of commitment can be difficult if you have had negative experiences with men in the past.
In the end, a commitment stems from a solid decision about what you want to pursue with your life. As such, your commitments are powerful shapers of your future.
A commitment is a promise to take action. The action of bringing your attention back to the decisions you made for your life over and over again. A commitment means sticking with your decision even in the face of disappointments.
What decisions have you made about the kind of relationship you will be a part of? Have you made a choice yet? Have you committed in your heart and mind to pursue the very best kind of relationship?
Your commitments will serve as protection against false relationships. And they will create powerful magnetic attraction with the right kind of man you truly desire. Make your commitments strong.
James
Hi James,
ive been dating this Guy for 7months now, he’s 10yrs older then me. He moved from out of state, he left everything behind and said he did it for me. He moved in with me its been 3 months, I’m divorce and have 4children my oldest is 18, and my youngest is 8. He helps me alot with my children but he gets mad when the kids disrespect me or talk back to me. He’s helping me discipline the kids, but sometimes I think its to much, he over does it. At first everything was good but now he doesn’t show any sign of affection to me when ever I tell him something he said in too emotional, that im tripping over small things that there bigger and more important things to be concerned. His issue is the kids my issue is that he’s becoming cold. He was very in love with this woman his previous relationship she left him for someone else, after a three year relationship. Its been 11/2 years when this happened, I’m not sure if he still has feelings for this woman. I need advice I don’t feel his love. He said to open my eyes that after all what he has done for me shows me that he loves me, I found out he’s not legally divorced yet he started the process right after I found out. I need to feel emotionally safe and secure. I need advice.
Mary, I don’t think you need as much advice as you seem to think. You are thinking clearly and you seem to have a good sense of the both the problems and the solutions you need to work toward. Be persistent and direct in asking him to work with you as a teammate to address the concerns you have raised here. Tell him openly what you want, not what you don’t want. That way he feels inspired to work toward creating that “safe and secure” feeling you need (rather than getting defensive when you point out what you don’t want).
Okay James,,,So here goes….I have been dating a man for around 3 months. He tells me he loves me as a person and I am awesome and amazing, but the first time he said that he followed it up with…but I am not in love with you…I realize it is too ssoon for that, and I am not in love with him yet either. But we used to flirt on the phone and send pictures to make each other smile, he always told me whenever I want to come over just to let him know…but the last couple weeks…no flirting, no pics, and today he told me when I asked if I could come out to go with him and his friends, he said he wanted to just go himself. I am not clingy and know men need time alone. I am seeing him tomorrow night anyways, so that isn’t the issue…it’s just that we seem to be shifting into the friend zone, except when we are together. It just doesn’t feel the same. I don’t ever initiate contact daily…he texts me every morning, but not the same passion or intent like he used to…not sure how to proceed. He is a blast to be with when we are together, but I don’t feel like I can trust him for some reason…Is it just me?
Hi Marie. I am usually a proponent for meeting a potential partner half-way and really making it clear that you want to move forward. However, in this particular type of scenario it is best to back off and make him do a little pursuing. My gut tells me this relationship is not meant to be, because guys rarely go out of their way to volunteer information like, “I like you but I am not in love with you,” unless they are trying to send a friendly message that goes, “Please don’t let yourself fall in love with me because I don’t see it happening between the two of us even though I think you are a cool person.” I agree that you should proceed with caution and keep your options open right now to reduce the blow if things slide more and more toward friendship.
Am doing just that…talking to another man and hopped back on the dating site and another man contacted me this morning…thanks for the advice…I feel better knowing Im doing the right thing.
Im soo glad i read this today. I have been going through a situation very similar to some of these ladies. I have been dating this guy on and off for a year now, we started off as friends and we have great chemistry we even talked about marriage. I dont understand him though he says he loves me and wants to be with me but then there are times that he says he does not know. moments that he talks about our future and then the next he wants space or a break or does not call me or text me for a week! he moved away in august and we had just gotten back together in july. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be with me and asked him if he knew we would be in a long distance relationship he said he did and he loved me and would not give up on me. well needless to say about 3 weeks after he moved he flipped on me again and says he needed space and i gave him space cause i understood he was going through a transition and was stressed from the move and looking for a job i understood and told him to take all the time he needed, 2 weeks he didnt call me. next he tells me he wants another chance that he will fight to win me again so i buy into it and the same thing happens a week later. I told him i couldnt do this anymore that we should just be friends, and we did try to but we keept going back to being lovey dovey but there was no commitment no relationship, i felt like i was putting my life on hold for him and he still would tell me i dont know what we are i dont know what this is. so after much wise counsel from friends and married friends i respect they told me to cut him off completely as in just stop talking to him. so i told him my plan and he agreed however it was hard not to talk to him and we maintained contact for another week after i told him this was it. so a week passed and he didnt call me or text me and i assumed that was it, now i dont know if i acted the right way, but i saw a future with this man and i feel like i sacrificed so much for him and did so much for him he even told me he didnt understand how patient i was, but i feel like its done and i can not take it back, what do i do now? did i make the right decision?
why have you not replied??
Hi James,
I recently got in touch with an old acquaintance, and things seemed to go over two months from interested to really interested to confusing. He dropped hints that could be taken to mean that he was serious about me, but on the other hand he kept talking about the other girls in his life and his girlfriend. And quite suddenly, he suddenly stopped communicating or responding to me. Duh! What does this mean?
Hi Diane. I wish I could offer some advice on this, but I really don’t know enough about him or the situation to say what his behavior means at this point. He might just like you but find himself in a poor position to pursue things with you. In other words, it may have been “just flirting,” without much intent for follow-through since he has a girlfriend.
Thank you for writing in James, I appreciate it.
He told me right when we talked first that he had a girl friend whom he meets during the weekends and he was considering breaking up. He also kept telling me about all the women he meets up with regularly during partying over the week nights. He loves it. I have no way of knowing if he was talking about one-night stands or casual flirting with them. I sometimes used to tease him or flirt with him, and his responses would be different. The subject of marriage would usually turn him off. I thought he was interested in more than casual flirting, but he didn’t respond timely enough for me to get a clear picture on whether he wanted to take it further. It was more than flirting, I think, because we used to connect almost every day; and he used to genuinely appreciate a lot of things I said and shared with him. He kept dropping hints that he was putting his life on the line for something big, and when I quizzed him about that, he said that I had already gotten enough hints from him. Would a guy who is really serious about a girl, play a game instead of saying outright? I doubt that. I know that he is choosing to deliberately not respond to my messages. But I feel happy every time I send him one, and its weird! It’s like just connecting with him makes me happier. But then, inevitably, the reverse happens when he doesn’t reply. I guess, it is like a cycle. But, since I’ve met him, I’ve been on a high. I could understand how a guy can make your heart sing, because that is exactly what I felt like with him. Just talking to him sometimes made me feel deliriously happy, and the weirdest thing is that…now that he isn’t in my life, I’m still happy, and I think of him fondly. After deciding to break contact, I was upset for maybe a day or two, but then, I could let it go. Maybe, I just saw through to what he is really inside, and I like it; so I let him know how rare he is before I broke off. He is amazing, and I want him to be happy too. Which I guess, he is. I still feel like he is the one; and if he has to come back, sooner or later he will. But if he isn’t, I am still happy now, and sooner or later, I will find my purpose. When I’m low, I hang on with the belief that this is going to pass…it is temporary. And when I’m happy, I go all out and squeeze the happiness out for all its worth. Sometimes, I feel really strange about how easy it is for a person to turn into an easy-going comedian. I feel like one myself.
Hi James,
I am divorced, with 3 kids, very attractive,smart woman,making modest income, while studying to get my licence to practice medecine(my foreing education).I tend to attract accomplished, affuent men who end up pulling out when I specify that I want a committed relationship.I just met one, a month ago. He seems great.I don’t know how to approach this relationship without making him run…he knows that I am interested in a committed relationship.I am 41.
.
Hi Marie. Focus your discussion of commitment issues on what he wants. Get him talking about what a great relationship would be like for him in the months and years to come. This gives you a unique advantage. If he says things that clearly indicate his needs are incompatible with yours, you can gently let him go to avoid wasting your time with someone who ultimately will not click with your desires. If he describes something compatible with your desires, you can give the relationship more time instead of approaching the commitment conversation too early and scaring him off. Even if he seems rather unsure of what he wants, remember that women’s timeline for thinking they are in a serious relationship usually seems to be on fast-forward mode from the perspective of most men. They need more time before the idea of committing seems right to them.
To summarize, get him to open up early (but keep your cards to yourself). Then you can give him time to fall for you if he is a good candidate who needs more time.
Hello James, I’m 31 and I have a problem. I was in a relationship for almost 8 years, planned to be married and had 4 children with this one guy. He turned out to be abusive. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. I went through a lot dealing with him and my self-esteem took a huge hit. I was 16 when we met, very young and naive. I met another guy. He lived above me. We became friends and he would come down and hang out with me and my fiancee (at that time). I was afraid to leave the first guy because he said he would kill me. He (the second guy) saw how I was being treated and didn’t like it, and so helped me get away from him. We started dating and it was wonderful! We were like newlyweds for the first 4 or 5 years of our relationship. Then things started to fall apart. I tried to communicate with him but he just seemed to shut down. He’s very shy and sort of anti-social. Well, we had been together for almost 7 years and he decided he didn’t love me anymore. He was infatuated with a new girl. We were both friends with her. We broke up about 5 months ago, but we still live together (with a roommate, since our financial outlook is in the toilet) and even sleep in the same bed still (he doesn’t have his own bed yet). He started dating the new girl, but she broke it off with him because she felt he still wanted to be with me or something like that. She said she couldn’t date him while he still lived with me. Yet nothing changed in the way they interacted except for the fact that they could see other people. We (on several occasions) all three tried to talk out what was going on and what we all were feeling, to basically get no where, and fast. He said, “Why can’t I have you both? I love you both.” But neither of us (the girls) could deal with that. She couldn’t handle it, and I would get too jealous of her. He clearly chose her, but she didn’t seem to feel exactly the same way for him. She says she loves him, but… Anyway, just about every time they would go spend some time together, he would come back mad. They would get into arguments over seemingly stupid stuff. He (and she) explained what they’d argue about. (We are all friends) It WAS stupid. He gripes about her shortcomings and says I’m done with her, but then still chases after her like a lost puppy dog. All the while I’m trying to prove to him I’m the one he wants, needs. That I’m still in love with him and will always be here for him if he needs me. We had been each others best friends during our relationship. When we’re alone, sometimes he acts like he still loves me and it feels like old times and we have fun together and really enjoy each others company. He cuddles with me in bed when we sleep. It breaks my heart. We both lost our jobs so it’s been really hard on both of us lately. I try to keep him positive, but then he gives “her” credit for saying the same things I do to him. It’s so infuriating. He just went to a friend’s house for a few days saying he needed to get away. When he gets back, I will be doing the same. The first night he was gone he was messaging me on facebook. He asked me to tell “her” if she texted looking for him she could message him on facebook. (He doesn’t have a phone right now so he texts her on my phone…then wonders why I get mad about it. *sigh*) So i did. She said ok, but never messaged him. Everyone I know is telling me to leave him alone and move on with my life, and I know I should, but it’s so hard. When you give away your whole heart to someone, you never get it back….I just don’t know what to do, or what to think half the time. He says he doesn’t want a relationship with me “right now”. But actions speak louder than words. He “Acts” like he wants me, but “says” not right now….(oh, and we are friends with benefits too at the moment. I recently decided to cut him off since it obviously means more to me than it does to him). Any ideas?
Hi Jolene. I wish I could advise you to seek a man with greater maturity, but I’m afraid you would not accept that. You see, the problem is not you or him, or the other girl. The problem is that you are with a man who does not understand the value of commitment. He is a man who has not yet learned that infatuations come and go, even with the person you are committed to loving for your whole life. The choice to keep loving a person actively with your mind, soul, heart, and actions is something consciously chosen. He seems to think he should go with the feelings of the moment, which means he is not ready for a relationship. He needs a good mentor who can explain how relationships are created and sustained.
I recommend you focus on becoming the girl that he is about to lose if he does not get his act together quick. By this I mean you should focus on yourself. Work on saving money (or earning more if possible) so you can move somewhere else without him, spend a little on new clothes, and pay attention to what makes you feel emotionally refreshed and charged up. Think about goals and set dates to achieve personal goals. This will activate a form of energy that is not present when you are sort of grieving the loss of his love and too focused on things you cannot control. He may notice the changes in you and find them attractive. Don’t worry about that. If he does, he will chase you. If he doesn’t, you have a head start on creating your new life.
Thank you for your advice. I am going to take it and do my best to make a life for myself that I can be proud of.
Jolene, your situation is unbelievable!! I AM SO ANGRY FOR YOU ! ! He has the best of ALL worlds with you two! Having his cake and eating it too, and not just plain old cake – rich, yummy chocolate cake with cream and cherries on the top, too. Tea and sympathy all round and unlimited sex with two women thrown in as well. Why would he choose? He’s got it made. I am SO ANGRY for you. Kick him OUT of your bed. Even if he has to sleep on the floor – and NOT on the floor in YOUR bedroom. TOUGH if he hasn’t got a phone. We used to manage without phones not so long ago. How could you act as go-between with him and this other woman? Get some self-respect, girl. Otherwise, you will constantly end up with men who are going to take advantage of you and use you and abuse you for the rest of your life. I am 67 and have three daughters, 40, 34 and 31. If they acted like this, I would be REALLY angry with them. You deserve better. Never compromise yourself. I wish you luck, Darling, and send you lots of love – there IS a better life out there. Go out and look for it. BE STRONG. GIRL POWER !! Lorna xx
Well..thanks James, he has introduced me to his daughter ,mother, sisters, etc..seems genuine..it’s just that I guess the fact that he never told me..he constantly talks about next weekend, and things we’ll do, even winter plans..maybe I’m just thinking tooooo far ahead..thanks again..
Gloria – I can understand why he is reticent about getting a divorce. It is a huge step to take, causes a lot of waves, ill feeling and stress all around (as I know!!) and he is probably right about losing his pension. I agree absolutely with James. You need to discuss this with him, and give him time to work through it – as I say, divorce is a huge, devastating situation which can go on for years and cost an enormous amount of money (cost us around £50,000 all told!), as well as psychological distress to yourself and all the family. It would put a lot of pressure on your relationship with this new man. Be honest with him. Discuss it openly. Try to get as much information as you can yourself. Knowledge is power. It is very early days for you. Why not just enjoy each others’ company and just see where it goes? No pressure. Going down that road of divorce WILL change things between you. Unless he plans to remarry, he probably thinks there is no point. I’m SURE he is not beng devious – just absolutely terrified – and rightly so. Unless you have been through it, you will never understand how it feels. Just enjoy what you have !! I wish you luck!! Lorna
Hi James..Nona here, I’m 59, my husband died 1&1/2 yrs. ago, 3 mths. ago I started seeing a guy my age, we were set up by mutual friends. He has been divorced (so I thought)..for 13yrs..just last night I found out he never got divorced..because of financial issues..(so he says). We get along great, I’ve met his family and he has met my grandchildren and he has taken them fishing ,boating,etc..he says he would never go back to his wife, doesn’t want anything to do with her, he is ready to retire next year and now he is afraid that if his wife finds out about me then she will take most of his pension..this is how I found out he is not divorced..I just said well how could she do that if you are divorced..then he said they never did. Advice from you would help me try to think this through. Thank you..I really enjoy your comments nd they really help.
Hi Gloria. The first time I heard a story like this I just assumed the guy was trying to double time his wife. The second time I was less sure. The third time I began to realize how common this kind of problem is. These days, there are quite a few people in a similar situation. The heart doesn’t really care what a piece of paper in a marriage license bureau says and so married people who are separated end up falling in love again even though they are still legally married. It is a red flag though, and you need to be thorough in your research to ensure he is not lying to you about having no interaction with his sort-of-ex-wife. If you want to be really thorough about this, get on justanswer.com and ask an attorney if his statements about the pension situation are accurate. Could she take his pension at will if provoked? It’s probably a state-by-state issue and the attorney can look into it in your state. If it turns out to be true, you should have a serious discussion with him about what this means and what he is willing to risk in a relationship with you. There is no sense moving forward if he won’t ever let it go beyond a few secretive encounters now and then.
So well said, these “twin truths”, good decision-making and enduring commitment to having the best despite past disappointment (wish I had understood this earlier in my dating life). It’s a way to think so that good relationship can happen in your life, whenever that happens.
A woman celebrating her 50th wedding anniversary was asked “what’s the secret for staying married so long?” She replied: “No secret. We just never fell out of love both at the same time.” I think that says a lot about marriage and romantic relationships in general.
Interesting.
Hi James,
Thanks so much, your advice once again is really spot-on and uplifting and encouraging.
I can understand if he’s not ready for a relationship, but what I don’t get is his ‘dismissive’ demeanour and behaviour towards me, short of shouting out “I need space”, and I guess this is what hurts especially when we’ve had some great time together. I’m not after him for a relationship – well, not really, though it would be nice to be with someone that you really care for and have a connection with. I don’t want to send him the wrong message that I’m needy, that I’m clingy and desparate by calling or texting him, but the fact is I’m really concerned about him as he does have suicidal thoughts (we’ve spoken about them before).
I don’t understand why men would think us women as needy and desparate /clingy.
Maybe in this situation it’s because he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do with him.
We’re both definitely not in our teens, or young adults (we’re both at least mid-40s).
I don’t and can’t play those hard-to-get games /do-not-call-the-man-let-him-call-and-chase-you strategies that you read about so much.
I’m just someone who, when I do like my man, give my love, affection and care to him, and just love doing simple things like sharing and being there.
Perhaps I should learn how Not to give so much.
Hi Josephine,
I absolutely agree with James. This man needs your support and encouragement – he is hurting badly. Like a hurt animal he is probably hiding in his cave, wondering how to deal with life, and thinking he has nothing to offer you. He is not heartless – just worried and scared – like a little boy. Just be patient and supportive. 4 months is not long – don’t give up yet. Life is very difficult and stressful these days, what with divorce, job loss and every other kind of trauma going on in the news that so many people have to deal with. Just be there for him, and hopefully, he will realize what a wonderful person you are and he cannot be without you. We all need each other to get through this life. But do not forget your own needs, either, and keep looking after yourself. He needs you to be strong mentally and physically, too. Best of luck!! Lorna
Hi again, Josephine. I have just re-read your comments, and wondered how things are going with you and your man? Since these comments are not dated, it is not easy to follow them. I just re-read the bit about your man being suicidal. This is really serious, and yes, he absolutely DOES need your support. He may be depressed and not in a fit mental state to be able to reach out and ask for it. I have felt suicidal during the time I was going through my divorce, so I know how it feels. You get sort of “frozen” with a feeling of utter hopelessness, and no sense of a future. And don’t forget, men find it hard to admit weakness, which is how it feels. You think everyone else is having a perfect life and you are somehow failing for having these thoughts.So, do not feel that you are being clingy or needy. Follow your gut instincts, and if you feel he is in need of your love and care, just DO IT. We should not be made to feel guilty for reaching out and offering love to one another. What have you got to lose? And you may have a lot to gain. I admire you for saying you do not play the silly cat and mouse games that we are often advised to. Thank God that there are caring, loving people in the world – otherwise where would we be? Never feel you are wrong for being one of them. One day he will thank you for being there for him, even if you do not end up in a romantic relationship. I wish you luck. Lorna
Hello James,
Last few weeks i have been getting little signals that i may have to leave him. He needs someone to be with him always, answer at his beck and call, He won’t admit if he makes a mistakes and just blame it all on me, When i listed out what he had done that hurt my feelings, he said that its just a long story, to make it short he ask me what else that i want him to do. No apologies was offered to me.
He taunt me with his wealth and told me that i won’t be going anywhere if i don’t be with him. I felt insulted by his words.
Well i know i can’t change him. His is a very proud, proud successful man but i don’t think he will easily accept my group of friends which are simple and middle income.
I broke off with him and i wish him that he’ll find someone suitable soon.
I was sad at first because i do feel i have feelings for him but that won’t stop me from finding my true love. I’m glad that i have gotten over him, its an experience that i’ll always cherish. And the good thing is i will keep on smiling at anyone i meet.
Thank you,
This is not the man you want to be with. He clearly does not want to love you in the way that benefits you. A man who taunts you is not a man worth pursuing. It’s his loss because you are worth far more than his wealth.
Awesome answer, James.
Why thank you. 🙂
Hi James,
I really like your posts and articles, and have been listening to your advices. I have reached the point where I am ready to give up on this man. We’ve been going out for some 4 months, and have enjoyed every single moment that we’ve been together, he told me so himself. Lately he’s having some depression over his job situation. He’s been communicating less and I haven’t seen him for weeks. There will be reasons like he has his kid over from Fridays to end of weekends, job interviews, etc. Then I managed to talk to him and found out that he was feeling depressed and ‘unsuccessful’ because of his employment situation. We met briefly and he said he missed me.
Then a week later, I rang him and he told me he’s got the job but would like to be paid more; I thought that was great news becos it would then lift his spirits up.
He said he’d call me back the next morning. After 2 days, I rang and texted him to find out more about his new job. No response.
I blame myself for giving my heart and emotions so easily. Are all men so heartless? Are they just interested in playing the field and view each woman as a ‘conquest’?
Hi Josephine. Clearly he is not a man who makes your heart sing. Though I have to say, in this situation it does not seem he feels like he has conquered much of anything (let alone you). He sounds like a man who is distracted and depressed because things are not going well in his primary “mission” of feeling like a successful breadwinner. Men’s testosterone literally drops when they’re out of work because of the psychological impact it has. When feeling depressed people often become forgetful. The part of the brain that has to do with memory (the hippocampus) actually begins shrinking under the chronic impact of stress hormones like cortisol that are generated night and day when we get depressed.
In this situation I advise that you keep in contact with him while he heals emotionally. He may turn into a great person to have a relationship with once he starts feeling successful again. In the meantime, open your heart to other relationships and other dating opportunities. Just contact him every two weeks or so to see how he’s doing and make sure he knows you care about him. It’s okay to care about a man who is not ready for a relationship just yet because of circumstances going on in his life.
Thank you Sooo much… this is exactly the situation I am dealing with… my ‘special guy’ has been dealing with depression over the loss his home due to a fire and now he’s dealing with some major health issues… I know in my heart we have a future together but I have been so confused and frustrated by his lack of contact with me.
I absolutely agree with James. This man needs your support and encouragement – he is hurting badly. Like a hurt animal he is probably hiding in his cave, wondering how to deal with life, and thinking he has nothing to offer you. He is not heartless – just worried and scared – like a little boy. Just be patient and supportive. 4 months is not long – don’t give up yet. Life is very difficult and stressful these days, what with divorce, job loss and every other kind of trauma going on in the news that so many people have to deal with. Just be there for him, and hopefully, he will realize what a wonderful person you are and he cannot be without you. We all need each other to get through this life. But do not forget your own needs, either, and keep looking after yourself. He needs you to be strong mentally and physically, too. Best of luck!! Lorna
Dear James,
Since couple of months back, i follow every word you publish here. I simply ‘swollow’ every idea and advice 🙂 You make me feel good.
God bless you!
greetings from Serbia
Radinka
Hi Josephine. You say his motivation is to essentially “play the field,” so at this point you need to be cautious about pouring all your energy into this one man. That said, if you want to communicate with him, do it! Reach out to him and get him talking about his internal world and motivation. Become the person who understands his motivation. Once you have achieved that it will become clear to you what you need to do next to help him rediscover the value of loving someone deeply and on purpose.
Hi James,
What do you do when a guy is crazy about you, tells you that you are the air that he breath, wants to take care of you and everything and yet states that he is jealous of when you smile at people. I love smiling and even my major is in PR. He has a bad experience with his Ex-wife he says and has been divorce for 8years. Then i came along and we have been getting to know each other for nearly two month now. When he says that we would be jealous of me smiling at people i’ve put my firewall back on. I am scared because the smiling me is what he says attracted him. What is your advice?
You need to test whether he is crazy and irrational or just ignorant. Let’s hope he just needs some educating in this area. Tell him you care very much how he feels in the context of his relationship with you and what it means about how you interact with others, and then transition into the fact that you need to set some expectations about what is normal and what is not. Ask him to contemplate whether it seems normal to him to meet a person that never smiles broadly at anyone other than the one person he or she is dating. If he gets mad and defensive at this point you should leave the relationship (he will be angry and pathologically jealous). If he laughs at himself and realizes your point and just expresses anxiety about losing you, work with him on accepting that you are still a woman who must interact with others (and wants to) and tell him the relationship will be built on mutual trust as a choice, not by building walls around yourselves.
I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months. He asked me to date him exclusively & I agreed. But now he doesn’t care to spend time with me. He never takes me out and doesn’t even bother to text me, even though he still calls me his “woman.” I told him that if I’m dating someone exclusively, I have to be a higher priority that taking out the trash. Your thoughts?
Right, Marla. This is a situation where you need to clearly state what he can do to keep you (and get out of the relationship if he doesn’t meet your standards very quickly after you have explained them).
Dear James,
I have been married to a great man for 13 years and a few months ago he told me he no longer loves me. He loved me very much up until a couple of years ago and felt like he had to give up on me because I was feeling emotionally distant from him. I fought back against my feelings and looked for happiness again and was trying to reconnect but now he’s says he thinks it’s too late. We have tried counselling and he says he can really feel how much I’m trying to save our marriage and that I’m saying and doing all the right things but he just can’t let go of the pain. He says he knows what he has to lose (we have 2 children together) but he feels like we have exhausted what can be done together and that he just needs to move out to think about things and decide if he wants to trust me enough to get back together. Any advice?
Hi Michele. It sounds like fear is the dominant driving force in his decisions right now. He is turning away from the courageous pursuit of the “best” because he is afraid of the pain he would have to feel if he opened himself up to the relationship again.
There are some things we can change about others. This is not one of them. You cannot make someone choose courage. You cannot make someone face their fears and go after what they truly want. All I can tell you right now is to invite him to create something entirely new with you. Shift his perspective from repair to “new creation.” Tell him you would like to start dating him to build a new relationship.
Hi Annette. It sound like you are doing a lot of things right if he has shown this much interest in you during a time of grieving and transition. Contrary to my typical advice, in this situation I think you should take more of a supportive friendship role for a while (at least 6 months). Let him figure out where he is going in life and get his feet under him before you ask him to be a part of your life in any kind of committed way. But here’s a warning: don’t let this go on forever. Set a time limit in your own mind (not shared with him) regarding how long you will wait for him to be ready for a relationship.
No comment, James. No commitment yet to keep.