Everyone has a “type.”
The men you find attractive aren’t necessarily the same ones your best friend finds attractive.
But if you take a group of men, chances are, you and your friends would agree on which are the most attractive of the bunch.
That attractiveness wouldn’t just be physical.
You’d be paying attention to other qualities, too, like whether he seems like a good person, whether he’s got friendly eyes, and whether you could have a decent conversation with him.
Yet when it comes to figuring out what makes women attractive…
It’s easy to assume that men are entirely visual.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Men just want a pretty face”? It can seem as if men pass over women with great personalities in favor of women with perfect bodies.
But it’s not either-or.
Men aren’t either interested in a woman’s personality or her body.
They’re interested in both.
Men see a woman as more physically attractive when her personality is highly attractive.
Being beautiful on the inside animates you in beautiful ways. The way you smile, the way you gesture, and the way you interact with a man make him perceive you as incredibly attractive, even if you may not come across as model-material in a mug shot.
So, which personality traits are most irresistible to men?
Which qualities make you radiate from the inside out?
Here are 3 habits of highly attractive women.
Habit #1.
Highly attractive women express warmth.
Warmth is one of the most attractive personality traits of all.
Men perceive emotional warmth as highly feminine. (Coolness or detachedness are seen as masculine traits.)
A woman’s emotional warmth reassures a man that she will be friendly and receptive, rather than critical and rejecting.
Emotional warmth is also associated with affection and love. For a man who’s looking for a relationship, nothing could be more important.
Habit #2.
Highly attractive women are curious.
There’s nothing worse than getting stuck in conversation with someone who’s only interested in talking about themselves.
Many dates turn out to be an endless cycle of self-promotion, as your date tries to convince you that they’re a catch.
Then there are the dates that feel like interviews. Your date peppers you with one question after another. He doesn’t really care about your answer; he’s just going through the motions.
It’s such a relief to meet someone who’s actually interested in you.
Someone who sees something intriguing about you.
A person who’s curious about you will ask you thoughtful questions and listen to your answers with care.
You may find yourself reflecting even more deeply as you speak. As you explain your thoughts, you learn new things about yourself.
The same goes for men.
When a woman is genuinely curious about a man, he’s able to relax and rise to the occasion. He forgets, for the moment, that she’s a romantic prospect he’s supposed to impress. He can just be himself. Her curiosity gives him permission to shine.
When a man has stepped into his best self in the company of a woman, he never forgets it.
Habit #3.
Highly attractive women practice nonattachment.
There’s enough stress and pressure in our lives.
We don’t need more of it when we date.
But dating and relationships can be highly stressful.
We can feel pressure to play the game rather than reveal our true feelings.
We can feel the stress of having to hide our flaws so we’re seen as perfect.
There are so many expectations. So many rules.
Which is why it’s so delightful to be with someone who doesn’t care where it leads.
This person is present in the moment with you. They’re focused on this experience, right here, right now.
Sure, they’d like it to go somewhere. But they’re not attached to the outcome.
If you don’t click, you don’t click, and that’s okay.
Nonattachment is the ability to let go of the need to control things. You allow whatever happens to happen. You avoid assigning labels like “good” or “bad” to your experiences.
Maybe you’ve noticed that you’re more successful with the opposite sex when you already have a boyfriend, or when you’re not actively hunting for a romantic partner.
You’re more successful because you’re not attached to a goal or outcome.
Men sense that you don’t want something from them. You’re not expecting anything. You’re okay if you say goodbye and that’s it.
There’s no pressure. There’s less stress. There’s a feeling of spaciousness and ease.
These three qualities—warmth, curiosity, and nonattachment—don’t just work in dating.
They work in all areas of your life.
Warm, curious people who aren’t driven by an agenda succeed in business, in leadership, and in life.
So don’t just cultivate these traits for the sake of being attractive. Cultivate them because they make your life richer. And if you get more male attention as a result, consider it a side benefit!
I’m learning a lot. I read about the hero instinct and it has been working! My boyfriend of 6 years is amazing but we do have the problem where I plan a vast majority of our dates and it always feels like he wants to do them to make me happy but that’s about it. Lately I’ve been slowly using the workbook that comes with the hero instinct and I’ve been seeing improvements like me not having to ask for what I want, he offers things or just does things. It’s still a work in progress from when I would just ask, I could tell he felt obligated which made it less pleasurable. So there’s that.
I started reading this tho because we recently discovered that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. As in we are still very much in love, best friends and want to figure this out so we started going to therapy, trying new things and not much has changed in that area yet. Were also still intimate as we cuddle, have unplugged date nights, kiss, touch each other it’s just the sex is less than it used to be. I’m wondering if you have any insight on that? I’m also one where I like to feel in controll as I have anxiety, so the no attachment is a hard one for me however I’m willing to work on it.
Hey, Bri. Sounds like great progress. You’re beginning to rekindle his desire to invest in your happiness. That’s a game-changer. Way to go!
Regarding physical intimacy, it helps to remember that 90% of sexual desire comes from within a person. If a man’s physiology (hormones, health, etc.) are reved up, he could feel turned on by just about anything. In contrast, if his libido is low, it’s really not about you. That said, you might benefit from learning how feelings of physical attraction change when we get too familiar and comfortable with eachother. My colleague, Esther Perel has written on this subject. Here’s her book: Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic
Oye vey these men ! I have to say I am really enjoying your teachings and I am trying to understand how the male mind works but jeeish its confusing. I can do the non attachment, heck I’ve done it soo long now that I want to try something new like a real relationship. I am dating a guy who I became friends with 2 years ago, he asked me out and we had a couple of dates but then he got back together with his girlfriend. We remained friends and he constantly complained about her to me for the next 2 years, uff. Then they just broke up again (its a pattern in their relationship). He asked me out again and we have been dating for the last 3 months (being intimate this time) but because he just got out of the other relationship he did not want to jump into one with me, I get that. I did the “cool girl” thing and asked him if I ever stated I wanted a relationship with him? Thats a nope. So I told him I am dating as well (I don’t really want to but I don’t want to get stuck on this guy) so I date. Anyway this guy is hot and cold. The sound stinks on my tv and I mentioned I need to get a sound bar, he then bought me one and installed it. We broke my bed (yep in the best way) and he put together the new box frame….I even let him do it all by himself because I read about the hero instinct and that pleased him…and me. When we could, we would dine out. So my question is….what the hell is happening??? Does this guy like and want to be with me ? how long will he be shell shocked from his last crappy relationship of 8 years? Should I run for the hills? Is he using me? I feel like we fit in almost every way, we were friends first but he does not communicate with me during the week and I’m feeling like I’m a very low priority which feels gross.
Hey Rachelle. It sounds like there’s a lot of good stuff happening in this relationship despite the annoying problem with his lack of commitment.
It may be that time resolves most of the problems you’re having right now, since that is essentially what he has asked for. He clearly enjoys the relationship with you or he wouldn’t continue it. It’s just a matter of if and when he might start to recognize the value of building a committed, exclusive relationship in order to preserve that special connection.
In the meantime, many people find it helpful to focus on one small improvement they can go for in the relationship instead of trying to fix the biggest, hardest problem where you have the least sense of control.
This mindset makes you feel less stressed, brings out the best in you, and has a way of leading to incremental progress in the relationship, which can build up over time.
It seems you have many questions about his motives. If you want to give him a chance, it might be beneficial for you to set aside the detective role and really throw yourself into enjoying the present relationship for what it is right now. Again, this will bring out the best in you, making it even more likely that he will fall for you in a way that makes him crave a more possessive, personal romantic bond. If you do this, set an exit date in your own mind… a point when you will reevaluate the relationship and decide if he has started to make progress. By deferring the decision, you can temporarily reduce the strain you feel about figuring out whether he’s a keeper or not.
Always on your side,
James
@ Rochelle, oh my goodness! I’m in England, but your situation sounds almost identical to mine! Met a guy 2.5 years ago summer 2018, and dated a couple of times but he’d mostly pull away from communicating, rarely meet. (N***, S-end-on-s**). After all this wasted time, he’s 44, I’m now 53. February 2019 he claimed he wanted a serious relationship with me, but couldn’t because of his busy self-employment job. After our 9 months ‘situationship,’ behind my back he got back with his very local monied ex he’d only been with before me for only 2 months, for an 18 months on/off relationship! (We never got closure because of the way it all came to light, so I was really hurt.) All the while back with her reaching out to me, complaining about her and telling me he wanted to be with me, pulling on my emotions! Their relationship patterns ups and downs drama, always breaking up! 4 months back they broke-up for good. He and I got back together again to try and have the relationship HE had been stating all along he’d wanted with me. Then under a week after our first meeting, he pulled away from me again, stating he couldn’t give ME the relationship I wanted! As you, I said, when did I ever ask you for a relationship??! All I’d ever asked him for was quality time to meet and get to know each other, which he never gave me. I kept communication going but which he’d ignore. He’d only communicate when he wanted/had time to see me: on the actual evening itself so I’d visit him re his long-hours working to show I was able to share ‘effort.’ We met again in October but again he pulled away totally zero communication. He too is too scared to have something decent with me. Yes, I concluded he’d just been using me all along, to the degree I had enough and told him so beginning Dec2020 that was it. The lesson for me, forget patience and understanding – if a man is too busy with his job, but can then run off and be with someone else that lives local because it easy, and gives them a relationship, to only then come back but not put in for me: FORGET HIM!! If he’d wanted me, he’d have been with me all along, and not gone back with her, only to complain to me about her. He could have stopped being with her any time he’d wanted in 18 months if he’d realised I meant so much to him. Thing is, he didn’t leave their relationship willingly of his own volition. He only wanted to see me again after SHE’D finished with him, yet again, for the final time. Sadly for me, he didn’t choose to be with me, he only came back to me because he was made to be with me, or him be alone. He wanted to walk straight back into ‘something’ with me for his selfish convenience, to pick up and drop me as before. Hence he couldn’t be bothered to put in time for me and us. There’s the answer: he was only playing with me all along, because he knew he could, he knew how much I cared about HIM. Not a great or mature person to do that to me. He knew when we first met I was seeking something serious for the long-term, I don’t mess people around. I gave him so much time and patience, believing his ‘sweet lies’ manipulation. In our beginning, I could ‘feel’ our connection, as could he. I know that is what scared him: he clearly wasn’t ready for something ‘real’ with me, so he ran away to hide and kept himself unobtainable in a relationship with someone else. After being with her the last 18 months, he was even worse this time around with me, than when we initially met. He allowed himself to be programmed even further by the bad drama (feel good up down stress) manipulative relationship he’d had with her, so he wouldn’t put in and try something good, calm and balanced with me. Such a hard life lesson: if someone truly wants you: they won’t just talk about it, they’ll prove it with their actions! Your guy (that kind of sounds like mine!)is at least proving to you via his actions: buying you gifts and putting things together for you, that he cares for you! My guy kept me a secret and never bought me anything nor did anything for me! You might just get somewhere with yours, you’re dating other men so you’re giving him the jealousy hit to win you, to make himself prove himself to you. All the best.
The nonattachment piece is where I get stuck. On the very rare occasion that I meet a man I am interested in, AND he expresses interest in me back, how am I not supposed to care about the outcome when ultimately, my goal is to be in a relationship? Obviously they might not be the one for me, and that’s okay, but I guess I struggle with the difference between nonattachment and non-interest (or rather, any time I’ve tried to lean back and not be invested in the outcome, I’ve had guys tell me they feel like I’m not in to them, even if I explicitly say that I *AM* interested otherwise I wouldn’t be spending my time with them.
Hey Lauren. That’s a great distinction you bring up. It’s the distinction that differentiates between disengagement (bad) and nonattachment (good).
Here’s the difference. He needs to feel that you are fully present and engaged with the full power and attractive appeal of the real you showing up with energy and interest in the present moment as it unfolds with him one moment at a time. That’s you being fully engaged in the moment. And it’s different than being attached to the outcome (which is about the future).
The difference comes down to the present moment versus future outcomes. I hope that helps. We love intelligent questions like the one you brought up here.
Always on your side,
James
Thank you for writing this.
I just finished dating a man for 8 weeks where (I was attached, it was going great and we were inseparable from the minute we met even blending families: but I definitely wanted to be his girlfriend and his future wife): after 8 weeks my level of attachment was greater than his and that put disappointment and pressure onto him, even though it started out with him telling me I was his soul mate and we talked for 3 hours daily on the phone and saw each other 3-5 nights a week.
Now I put myself back into the dating pool after 3 weeks of reflection, and my non attachment is working as I am simply just enjoying my dating. I am also putting the brakes on when guys try to get closer (they want to be spending the night) by saying How much I am enjoying it and I cant wait to see them again. And the next day they are contacting me instead of my drawing out one date into a never ending 3 day date which is what I did the first time (which ended after 8 weeks).
These qualities have worked wonders in my career in leadership, but the non attachment part is harder to do in dating: but so much more enjoyable if you start with that and realize that often you think you want the attachment but you may be and probably indeed are over looking red flags in order to just jump to commitment.
Looking back I realized I lucked out in his having to jump ship early. Its often a blessing in disguise if a guy bows out, they may be realizing they cant make you happy in the long run because they know once they unfold all their cards you’ll go running for the hills.
Remember when a guy does not commit its not always because you are not enough, its often because they know you amazing ( and they are not ready for that level of being evolved and mature enough to make a glorious relationship succeed: James: Thank you for writing this!
Good insights here, Serena. Thank you.
Serena-
Wow! You kind of just nailed my past relationship. Same time frame, same sentiment. Your confidence is reflected back at me for the first time in my life! From one soul sister to another-we got this! xx