Uncontrollable giggling.
Babbling.
Nervous gestures.
You never do anything like that …. do you? 😉
Every one of us acts in a very specific way when we get nervous.
People who know us can tell. No matter how hard we try to come across as calm, cool, and collected, our unconscious habits give us away.
Maybe we talk too loud. Or too fast.
Maybe we pace. Tap one foot. Can’t stand still.
Or maybe we sweat. Not just a fresh sheen of perspiration, either. We’re talking visible drops of sweat.
It would be nice if we could turn off our nervous habits at will. “Oops, I’m sweating! Okay, armpits, turn off the tap.”
But we can’t. Nervous habits don’t listen.
And we live in fear that someone will notice.
What if it happens with someone you really like? What if it happens on a date? What if it happens with the person you want most to impress in the entire world?
You can imagine the frown. The revulsion. The quick end to the conversation. The horrible feeling of let-down.
But that doesn’t have to happen.
You actually DO have control over your nervous responses.
Your heart doesn’t have to start racing. You don’t have to panic. You can stay relaxed and be yourself in any encounter, no matter how gorgeous he is.
The key is what experts call presence.
Presence is one of the foundations of charisma. It’s what makes a person stand out in a crowd.
While everyone else is focusing on their phone or hurrying to get where they need to go, the present person strolls in complete confidence, taking in every nuance of his or her surroundings, open to synchronistic encounters.
When you’re present, you’re in the now. You’re not lost in your thoughts or your fears or your worries. You’re in your body. You’re grounded.
That’s important, because one of the things that happens when you get nervous is that your mind takes over. It goes into protection mode, blocking out everything but the urgent situation at hand.
Your sympathetic nervous system kicks in, preparing you to fight or flee. You become oblivious to everything but your performance … a performance that now feels like a disaster.
Here’s how to stop the cycle.
When you feel yourself getting nervous, stay in your body. Don’t let your mind hijack you. Take deep breaths and feel your chest expand. In … out. In … out.
Is Mr. Handsome waiting for you to say something? Then smile at him. And breathe. In … out. In … out.
As you breathe, notice everything about him. Notice the color of his eyes, the way he brushed his hair this morning, whether he’s wearing a watch. See if you can pick up what he’s feeling, what his energy is like.
Let him lead the conversation while you focus on staying present.
When we’re nervous, we tend to breathe shallowly. It feels like everything is happening in the chest. Focus your attention on your belly instead, expanding it with each breath. Let your center of gravity sink deeper.
When nerves strike, there’s an immediate tendency to speed everything up. You do everything fast, just to get it over with.
Staying grounded means deliberately slowing yourself down. Even if it feels too slow.
Choose your words with care. Allow some silence. Don’t be in a rush to fill a pause in the conversation with words. Instead, take the opportunity to breathe and pay attention. Catch his eyes. Let him know you see him.
Mindfulness and meditation are two practices that help enormously in cultivating presence. Comic Amy Schumer credits two 20-minute meditation sessions a day for helping her keep her cool on stage.
Presence is such a rare commodity that those who cultivate it stand out. But there are more compelling reasons to stay present.
Being present helps you get in touch with what some call “the ground of your being.” It’s the part of you that observes your experiences without getting caught up in them.
In his bestseller The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer describes what mastering presence feels like:
“You used to walk around feeling anxiety and tension; now you walk around feeling love. You just feel love for no reason. Your backdrop is love. Your backdrop is openness, beauty, and appreciation.”
It feels wonderful to be present. To not have to worry about those nervous reactions. To sink into an experience instead of fighting it.
The starting point couldn’t be simpler.
Just breathe. Slow down. Observe. Be.
My boyfriend is unusually ambiguous. Sex is incredible. The best ever and we enjoy it equally. After reading several of your articles I seem to be doing things right. I waited for 6 months before telling him I love him but sadly I have lost contact with him. If I want to see him again, I have to go out and find him wherever he is. Before we started seeing each other he was trapped in a situation with a fatal attraction who would basically extort his attention by stealing things from him and holding them over his head. She continued to do this until he disappeared. He is afraid of her, and I think that is why he just fell off the radar. My friend told me he was a bad choice which I knew but I fell in love with him anyway. Sometimes it just happens. The last time we were together, we went shopping and he noticed I was looking at the jewelry case and surprised me by saying he would buy me any diamond I want in that case. He volunteered to fix my car which he did an excellent job of and I was very grateful……to be continued when I find him.
I have been reading a few of the reports and excerpts from one of the books, the 3 AAAs I think. I was delighted to realize how I could improve on me.
In 2014 my husband of 16 yrs left me for my 18 yr old niece. It left me very broken and trying to figure out my part in such an act of betrayal. Not that I felt responsible for what they had done, but what had I done or not done that might have opened the door to it.
I have purchased many of the books and programs that I found offered. And honestly I could see many mistakes that I have made through out the years. Much to my chagrin I have to say I don’t think I really knew how to make a relationship grow into a healthy flowering partnership. As I read the books snd courses, I also observed many couples, wondering how on earth some of them managed to stick it out. And smiling when I seen others really making one another happy.
The truth is, it obviously takes a lot of work and there are certainly hills and mnts to climb. However, there are also gardens of beauty and delight when it’s working right.
I do pray that I do not have to spend my life single. But i want to be healthy and whole before embarking on such a journey next.
I met a guy through a dating site. This was back in August. We have been seeing each other since then. He is younger than me, but that does not seem to be a problem. We have a great physical attraction. It was the fifth date before we had sex. We hit it off great at first, but I have definately felt he has pulled back at times.
I am a widow of 5 years, after a 27 year marriage. I am ready for a relationship, but been away from dating for quite some time. I am unaccustomed to communicating through texting. He is Recently divorced, and I believe still having some issues from that. So, we are definately coming from different perspectives. He is working full time plus, and his time is limited. I am working part time. Neither of us have families close.
I am finding it difficult trying to “understand men” and especially to judge how he is feeling – particularly when he pulls back. I am not afraid to take the initiative. In fact, I reached out first to him. But with all the dating coaching stuff I have found on-line, I wonder if I pursue too much, and am anxious about pushing him away.
At first I was very confident, because as I said, he is younger than me, and I wasn’t expecting anything serious to develop. I just contacted him in a fun way. I saw on his profile that he had a motorcycle, so I invited him to come give me a ride on it. He responded back that he would love to, we agreed to meet, and it went from there.
I’m reading 3 A’s of attraction. I am definately ok with showing him attention and affection. The appreciation/respect is the one I am thinking about.
I was mentioning one day that I had some siding on my house that was loose. Before I even finished telling him or could ask him, he volunteered that he would fix it. But he never mentioned it again or came over to do it. It has been about 3 weeks since then. I asked him today if it should be nailed up. He said he wouldn’t because the siding could tear. I then asked him if it should be glued or what? and he said to take a picture and text it to him so he could see. I did that and then he said it should be able to be just “poped” back in place. I explained that I had done that with a piece on the back of the house, and it didn’t stay. I added that I was sure he could figure it out, but that I didn’t know anything about it. He hasn’t responded anything back to that.
So, did I somehow disrespect him, or not show enough confidence in his ability to fix it? or what. Should I ask him again, straight out, if he would come fix it, or remind him that he said he would?? or just drop it.
James, thank you for the insights. I’ve really enjoyed all of your reads that I have had. I bought several of your programs. and I try to take time to read your emails. While I am not interested in getting married or having any relationships, as such, I wanted to know what I had done wrong…or what I could have done right to make what I had work. I have learned much, and I’m happy to share any information with any other person who may want to know. Still, seems like those whom I thought may want to know this information…do not see the need to invest the time! Just hoping they will want to learn from you before it’s too late for their relationships.
thank you again, peggy swick