There are two pathways to love.

One is the “attractive stranger” pathway.

You see someone who catches your eye, you start talking, and sparks fly.

The second is the “friends to lovers” pathway.

You get to know someone really well, you realize that no one in the world knows you like they do, and you start to suspect that what you’re actually feeling for them is love.

Which pathway is the most successful?

Are there any advantages or drawbacks to falling in love with a friend versus a stranger?

Let’s see what the science has to say…

Love At First Sight

A romance wouldn’t be a romance without a meet cute, a moment when the two main characters meet for the first time, lock eyes, and fall head over heels.

To many of us, that’s what we envision when we think of falling in love.

We dream of meeting someone and knowing in a heartbeat that we’ve just met our future spouse.

We seek that experience when we put ourselves out there romantically. If we don’t feel instant chemistry with someone, we assume there’s no potential.

But is that true?

Only about 1 in 5 people have experienced love at first sight. Men are more likely to fall in love at first sight than women.^[1]

But that instant chemistry can be misleading…

Even though you can feel a powerful sense of attraction to someone, that doesn’t mean they feel the same way. It doesn’t mean you’ll be able to make a relationship work.

Love at first sight isn’t the real thing. It’s fueled by passion and novelty, making it closer to obsession than real love.

Love Grows On You

Real love develops over time as you get to know your beloved, share your lives, and come to care for each other’s wellbeing as much as your own.

Which suggests that starting out as friends can give you a head start.

Friends know each other inside and out. Friends care about each other. Friends have each other’s back.

Friends often have all the ingredients of real love except sexual chemistry…

And chemistry can develop over time.

At least, that’s what the research suggests.

A meta-analysis of nearly 2000 people found that two-thirds of them had started their most recent romantic partnership as friends first.^[2]

They’d known each other, on average, a little over a year and a half before taking their friendship to the next level.

The college students in the sample thought that this was the very best way to start a relationship, compared with meeting through friends or at school or on an app.

But can we be sure these couples really started out as platonic friends?

Maybe they were secretly interested in each other and used the excuse of friendship to get closer.

Although 30% to 60% of heterosexual opposite-sex friends do feel some attraction towards each other, that wasn’t the case here.

The vast majority of these relationships really did start out as platonic friendships, without any sexual interest on either side.

Friendship is Key

We often think that sexual attraction is the key ingredient in a romantic relationship.

If you don’t feel physically attracted to this person, the attraction just isn’t there.

But what we now know is that attraction can develop over time.

You may start out thinking that this person isn’t your type, but as you get to know them, they grow on you.

If you want to strike up a romantic relationship with someone you don’t know very well, you need passion.

Passion provides the “glue” that makes you so into each other in the early days of a relationship.

But friends don’t need passion as an excuse to spend time together.

They enjoy each other’s company and conversation. Being together is intrinsically rewarding.

When a relationship starts on a foundation of passion, it can feel unstable.

You know he’s into you physically, but is he into you emotionally? Does he love you or just want you? Would he spend time with you if physical activity were off the table?

When a relationship starts on a foundation of friendship, it can feel more secure.

You know your friend likes who you are as a person. They’ve already seen your worst side. Nothing is going to scare them away.

Perhaps it’s no wonder, then, that some research has found that couples who began as friends and later married tend to stay together longer.

There’s no right or wrong way to start a relationship.

Both the “attractive stranger” and the “friends to lovers” pathways have advantages and disadvantages.

The attractive stranger may get to know you better and lose interest. Sleeping with your best friend could ruin your friendship.

But looking for the qualities that would make someone your ideal friend might get you further in love than looking for someone you feel instantly attracted to.

Attractive people are a dime a dozen, but a great friend is a rare gem indeed.

[1]https://www.match.com/dnws/cpx/en-us/singlesinamerica/2017/

[2]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8892041/