Raise of hands—how many of you have never experienced a man blowing hot and cold?
Anyone?
It’s a near-universal experience for women seeking a real relationship. You think everything is going so well, then he pulls away unexpectedly.
It’s hurtful. You don’t even know why he did it.
You ask your friends what they think. You look for answers on your phone.
You’re hoping to get a clear explanation, but it quickly becomes apparent that everyone has a different opinion.
For example…
10 of the MANY Possible Reasons Men Blow Hot & Cold
- He’s just being a man. (As John Gray famously said, men are like rubber bands.)
- You did something to put him off.
- He’s playing games.
- He’s insecure.
- He’s losing interest.
- He’s been hurt before.
- He’s avoidant.
- He’s testing you.
- He’s scared of his feelings.
- He’s busy.
And that’s just for starters!
Today, I want to focus on just one reason a man could be blowing hot and cold.
It’s not talked about a lot, but it’s incredibly common.
Once you understand this about men, you might even start to see his behavior as a good sign.
One reason some men blow hot and cold is because…
He’s trying not to sabotage the relationship.
Why You Don’t Want to Come On Too Strong
When you meet a man you really, reallylike, do you let him know just how much you like him?
Or do you hold back a little?
Many women find that being too honest and up front about their feelings nips a promising relationship in the bud.
Why would a man not want to hear how you feel?
Most people think it’s because men like to chase. If you’re already his from the moment you meet, there’s no challenge.
But if you talk to men, you’ll find that men have the same problem.
When they’re too honest and up front about their feelings, it backfires on them.
Is that because women like to chase? Is it because women like a challenge?
Perhaps there’s a simpler explanation:
We find uncertainty exciting.
When we’re not sure whether we’ll get what we want, we spend much more time thinking about it.
And in just a moment I’ll share with you a study that reveals what’s really going on.
How We Keep Ourselves From Sabotaging It
Being too available can put a damper on a budding relationship.
But it’s hard to hold back your excitement, isn’t it?
To avoid coming on too strong, you set rules for yourself. You wait a few hours or a few days before texting him back. You keep your weekends full so you’re not waiting on him.
You need some way of reining in your enthusiasm so you don’t blow it.
Men do this, too.
After a particularly intense or emotional date, they get spooked. They worry they’ve shown their hand and you’ll lose interest.
So they back off and disappear for a bit.
They’re not trying to be hurtful. They’re trying to salvage the situation.
They want to keep you attracted by keeping you off balance.
Does it work?
Uncertainty Increases Attraction
A 2011 study tested this idea.
Researchers showed a group of undergraduate women Facebook profiles of four attractive male undergraduates.
Some women were told that these men had seen their profiles and liked them a lot.
Others were told that these men thought their profiles were about average.
The last group of women were told these men could like them a lot or just an average amount; it was unsure.
The first group of women felt attracted to the guys who liked them a lot. (This is called the reciprocity principle: we tend to like people who like us.)
There’s the answer! If you want someone to like you, you should let them know how much you like them.
But wait…
The third group of women had no idea whether these guys liked them. Because they didn’t know, they found themselves thinking a lot about the men.
When a man is on your mind all the time, you start to assume there’s a reason you can’t stop thinking about him…
And you conclude it’s because you’re attracted to him.
That’s exactly what happened here.
The third group of women reported themselves feeling even moreattracted to the men than the first group.
The researchers concluded:
“People who create uncertainty about how much they like someone can increase that person’s interest in them”[1]
What This Means for You
Even if keeping someone guessing increases their attraction to you, it’s not a very nice thing to do.
That’s why it’s so important to talk to your guy if this is happening to you.
Let him know that you’ve noticed he seems uncertain about the relationship. Tell him that you’re excited about how things are going, and ask him if there’s anything you could do to help.
Uncertainty may increase attraction, but letting him know you like him as much as he likes you is still the best way to move a relationship forward.
[1]https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21169522/
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