When you go out on a date with someone new, what is your goal?

1. To impress him.
2. To get to know him.
3. To ramp up the heat.
4. To get playful.

Now, we all hope that our date will be impressed by us.

We all hope we’ll get to know our date better.

We all hope that our date will find us attractive.

But what many of my female clients forget is the fun.

Why Guys Love to Tease

Men love teasing.

Guys banter with each other all the time.

The faster a guy is with a witty reply, the more respect he gets from his friends.

Yet most guys know that banter can backfire with a new woman.

Making fun of her may have worked back in middle school, but grown women don’t have the patience. They can find those comments inappropriate or offensive.

So a lot of guys rein in the tongue-in-cheek comments on a first date (though they’re still likely to banter via text) and try to impress her with their calm, cool, masculine side instead.

Unfortunately, that can make the date feel more stressful than fun.

There’s no humor to release the tension.

The Magic Moment

On a really good first date, there’s a “magic moment” where you both realize you can relax.

You know this is going to be fun. You like each other. You can let down your guard and stop worrying about every word that comes out of your mouth.

What often helps get a couple to that “magic moment” is teasing.

When he teases you and you smile, he feels appreciated and accepted. You get him. You don’t mind his sense of humor. You actually like it.

When you tease him, he hears you saying that you are very much interested in him.

To a guy, teasing is a sign of interest. Many men think that they are being hit on when a woman teases them.

No wonder teasing feels risky to many women. You’re going out on a limb by teasing a guy you don’t know well. You don’t know how he’ll respond. Will he take offense? Will he think you want to sleep with him?

But if you like your date, teasing is the best way to take things to the next level.

You’re testing your ability to play together.

Is he attuned to you well enough that he knows what is an appropriate tease and what isn’t? Do you get each other instantly? Can you make each other laugh?

The longer couples are together, the better they get at teasing each other.

Teasing shows that you know each other incredibly well. You’ve let each other in. You allow your partner to tease you about things you wouldn’t let anyone else tease you about.

Teasing reaffirms your emotional bond and keeps the chemistry alive.

Teasing Do’s and Don’ts

That being said, misattuned teasing can create rifts in a relationship.

This happens when the teaser isn’t attuned to their partner. They don’t know what the other person considers appropriate, they violate a boundary, or they step on a trigger.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the situation where a man “teases” you about something you feel sensitive about, only to claim, “I’m just joking.”

Teasing shouldn’t be used as an underhanded way to criticize someone. Not if you’re hoping to have a relationship!

The kind of teasing that makes two people feel closer is teasing that breaks down walls.

He’s taking the date too seriously, so you tease him by asking him if he takes care of all the girls this well.

He seems too good to be true, so you tease him by telling him you know he’s not superhuman and he must have at least one flaw, would he share?

Teasing is a great way to give him a compliment or make a request or even reveal your feelings.

And, of course, it really shines when it’s used to ramp up the chemistry, e.g.:

“I must warn you, I fall in love with every guy who gives me a foot rub,” or,

“Don’t wear that shirt again. It’s so hot on you, it’s distracting.”

So don’t be afraid to tease a man gently on a first date, if and only if you like him a lot.

Your teasing gives him permission to relax, let down his guard, and banter with you back.

The way he teases you will show you whether your sense of humor is compatible, whether he knows what’s appropriate, and whether you have chemistry.

It’s definitely worth taking the risk!