Lisa Feldman Barrett said yes to a date.
Truth be told, she didn’t even like the guy. He was in her psychology program, and she didn’t know him very well.
But she’d been stuck in the lab all day, so she agreed to meet up for coffee.
As she sat in the coffee shop with him, she noticed butterflies in her stomach. Her face flushed, and she had difficulty concentrating on his words.
Okay, she thought. I am wrong. I clearly AM attracted to him.
After agreeing to see him again, she headed home, unlocked the door to her apartment, and promptly threw up.
She spent the next week in bed with the flu.
How Do You Know You’re Attracted?
When you’re on a date with someone, and you feel heat rising and a fluttering in your belly…
You assume your body is telling you that you’re attracted to him (not consciously, but at a subconscious level).
This is a case of interoception.
Interoception is sometimes called the 7th sense.
Yes, you have more than 5 senses!
In addition to smell, touch, taste, sight, and hearing, you have a sense of where your body is located in space (proprioception) and a sense of how your body feels inside (interoception).
You can sense your heart beating faster, tension in your muscles, or bloating in your stomach. You know when you’re thirsty or when you need to use the bathroom. This is interoception at work.
Right now, what do you feel when you tune into your body?
Every moment of every day, your body is sending signals to your brain based on the millions of reactions taking place in your cells and organs.
Most of the time, your brain tunes those sensations out. You notice when your heart starts to beat faster in the presence of an attractive co-worker, but you don’t notice your heart beating more slowly as you relax on a sun lounger with a good book.
When you go on a date, though, your interoception kicks into high gear.
You want to know if you have chemistry with this person, so you pay close attention to your bodily sensations.
That’s what Lisa did on her date.
But the conclusion she drew—that she was attracted to this person—was wrong.
Her feelings were actually a sign that she was coming down with the flu.
How could she have made that mistake?
This is How We Decide What We’re Feeling
We don’t always read the signals coming from our bodies accurately.
We take the sensations we’re experiencing—such as a racing heart, sweaty palms, distressed stomach—and decide what they mean.
If we are standing backstage with notecards in our hand, waiting to deliver a speech, we may conclude that those sensations mean we’re nervous and afraid.
Someone else standing beside us may also be experiencing a racing heart and sweaty palms, but they interpret those sensations as anticipation and excitement.
Same sensations. Different meaning.
On a physiological level, many emotions feel identical. You can’t tell nerves from excitement simply by paying attention to your body’s signals.
You determine which emotion best fits the situation by considering factors like:
- Context (like waiting to give a speech vs. waiting for a movie to start)
- Past experience (like having a memory of having messed up at speaking before)
- Our conceptual models (like believing that it’s natural to be afraid of public speaking)
That makes it sound as if this process is under conscious control, but it’s not. It’s automatic, and it takes place in a split second.
We don’t think, “I’m sensing that my heart is racing; therefore, I must be feeling anxious.”
We just notice that we’re feeling anxious!
That’s what happened to Lisa.
Normally, when she is on a date with an attractive man, she finds it hard to concentrate, she blushes more easily, and she gets a tingling in her gut.
No wonder she assumed she was feeling chemistry rather than coming down with the flu!
Use This Hack to Boost Attraction
This confusion can work to your advantage in dating.
When you’re on a date, anything that creates a pleasant sense of physiological arousal may lead him to assume he’s attracted to you.
For example, if you go to the movies, pick a film that’s scary or action-packed.
You might try a physical activity that gets your heart pumping, like biking or dancing.
Or you might experiment with going somewhere new or doing something that neither of you have ever done before.
Also be aware that any unpleasant experience during your date can lead a man to assume he’s not attracted to you, even when he otherwise might be.
If the venue is hot, loud and noisy, or it takes forever to be served and the food is inedible, or if traffic was backed up for miles on the way there…
Then he may attribute his discomfort to his company rather than the situation.
And be aware of those same tendencies in yourself. Ask yourself:
Am I confusing the way I feel towards him with the way I feel about this situation?
Interoception can sometimes lead you astray, but it can also give you an unfair advantage. Use your new awareness wisely!
Dave, at my age (62), I find the ‘check list’ and immediate attraction not as important. I want to have fun, laugh, and enjoy life. Years of unmet expectations and abuse behind me, I no longer trust chemistry of the physical sort. I know how I have grown, I’m more interested in how you have grown. If I’m having fun, you are sharing who are you, and our understanding of life of life is compatible, well, you are going to be around for a long time.
Ella,
It would be wonderful if everyone felt that way! The ultimate, best way, I’d like to find a match is just have a friend who I saw on a regular basis, and after time and lots of talks, the relationship just progressed into a romantic one.
On the flip side of that, I’ve had very close women friends, but the friendship was so important to me, I didn’t want to screw it up by trying to suggest dating and then ruin the friendship if it didn’t work out. Also, I’ve had unbelievably close friends and the relationship never did progress to one where either of us ever felt any chemistry.
It just shouldn’t be this difficult! 😊
You are right, Dave,, it shouldn’t
be this hard.
Are you sure in any of those friendships she doesn’t feel the same?
I believe love is a commitment, choice of the will as well. If both agree and feel the same then it should never end the friendship. Obstacles will be met together.
I do not belief however that other opposite sex friendships can remain the same. In so doing, in conflict one will find comparisons that will destroy, little by little a love relationship. Insecurities will erupt. That is the way romance is destroyed. There is no room for or need for opposite sex best friends after a commitment. We are all only human. For what it’s worth,, these are my experiences.
I do believe if both are attracted. But sharing what each other is doing in their day. Sharing. Their Values. Hearts. Goals together. Ways they can just be quietly and feel Intimacy just being in a room. Little connections. In working together. Letting him know he is needed. He is Valued.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen James Bauer respond to a comment in his column but I would like feedback on my comment/question.
I signed up for this newsletter (I’m a guy) because after one of my closest friends sent me a column a year or two ago, I found that a lot of the advice applies to guys as well.
In this case, I read not long ago, that when on a first or second date, the excitement that a couple feels with each other initially is more of a sexual connection.
Of course, sexual chemistry IS critical. BUT, that feeling has absolutely no basis in knowing what the person is like or if you will actually fall in love, since any relationship needs a LOT more than just the sexual compatibility. I’m not downplaying the importance of sex, since it’s a critical component of just about any romantic relationship but it’s by no means the ONLY thing needed for successful relationship and the longest lasting relationships are the ones where people take the relationship slowly and get to know the person over a length of time.
My experience has been, so far, that a majority of women want to feel that immediate spark on the first or second date, and if they don’t then they want to move on. They don’t want to waste time going out with someone only to find that the love doesn’t ever materialize. I’ve had amazing times on dates, and then after asking to go out a second or third time, they said they had an amazing time with me. Great conversation, great sense of humor, same interests, but they didn’t feel that “spark” so it was time to move on. It’s been unbelievably frustrating.
A dating coach I’ve used tells her clients the exact same thing: If you have a really great time with someone on the first or second date but don’t feel that initial spark, give it time. She’s right. I know a number of couples who started off liking each other but couldn’t imagine being in an intimate relationship with the person. After going out numbers of times, the feelings grew to the point where they were in love.
James, if you’re reading this, I’d like to hear your feelings on this, as well as from other women. Also, I’m 67, so women in my age group, may feel differently than women in their 20’s through 40’s.
We do! Fun & friendship are the “sparks” women need as we get older.
Patty
Thanks for your comment. I wasn’t sure if you were saying you need that initial spark, or you’re willing to go out to try to get to know someone first over several dates before making a decision?
For a guy who’s had an incredible time on a date with lots of laughing, serious stuff, and fun discussions about kids, to hear “You’re a fantastic guy! I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun, but I’m sorry, I didn’t feel that spark/chemistry that I first look for on that first date.”
Wow.. it’s really frustrating. I’ve got numbers of single women friends who tell me all the time, “these women don’t have a clue what they’re missing.”
I don’t get it why do women need that connection/chemistry on the first or even second date and not give a guy a chance after they’ve had a super time with him?
Hi, Dave. Glad to have you as a reader and insightful voice here.
To answer your question, I agree. There are often situations where the chemistry of limerence (infatuation) doesn’t kick in until you’ve known someone for quite a while.
It often happens in friend groups, where extended time in each other’s presence leads two friends to develop romantic feelings after having no initial spark of attraction. This is one reason why I like to see my clients get into recurring events that bring together groups of people. Things like a paddle board club on Sunday mornings, or a church choir, or a game night on Friday nights. These are low-commitment social engagements that are fun regardless, but also provide opportunities to interact with others over a longer timeframe (unlike a date that was arranged between two strangers who met through a dating app).
James