Online dating is getting better.
Fifteen years ago, less than half of online daters ever made it out on an actual date. There were a lot of time-wasters.
That’s changed.
These days, 2 in 3 online daters have made it off the computer and onto a real-world date. And 1 in 4 has struck up a long-term relationship with someone they met online.[1]
Not everyone is online, of course, but if you’re between the ages of 24 to 44, you should find plenty of company in your demographic.
Even though online dating is better than before, it’s by no means perfect. Too many users still find it frustrating.
Women under 35, in particular, are likely to report that they’ve been repeatedly contacted by someone after telling them they weren’t interested, or sent unwanted explicit messages or images.
That’s why I believe it never hurts to remind yourself about the basics.
These 3 Commandments of Online Dating help you stay safe, set yourself up to succeed, and enjoy the experience.
First Commandment:
Thou shalt keep it brief.
The most successful online daters prioritize efficiency.
They’re not online to pour their heart out to a stranger. They’re online to engage with as many potential dates as possible.
You’ll be more successful if you limit yourself to messages that are no longer than a text. No essays. Just fun banter that keeps your connection moving towards a meet-up.
Short messages free you up to communicate with many men, not just the top few.
Online dating is a numbers game. As long as a man seems nice, genuine, and able to talk about things that you enjoy talking about, give him a chance.
(Often, it’s the guy that you weren’t terribly excited about meeting that turns out to be the most fun in person!)
Second Commandment:
Thou shalt meet ASAP.
The most common online dating mistake is…
Jumping to conclusions before you’ve even met the person.
His online avatar is not a good representation of who he is in real life.
A friend who’d spent many months searching for Mr. Right joked to me, “All a man’s profile tells you is how good he is at marketing himself.”
Just because he has an amazing profile doesn’t mean he’s Prince Charming.
Similarly, just because his profile picture isn’t flattering doesn’t mean you won’t find him irresistible in the flesh.
A lot of men don’t know how to take a good photo of themselves. A lot of men don’t have any idea what to write.
They give it their best shot and hope you’ll give them the chance to win you over by phone or in person.
So don’t assume that his profile tells you anything about him aside from whether you might have something to talk about.
They call it chemistry for a reason. Chemical attraction is a physical response to being in the presence of someone who looks, smells, and moves in a way that turns you on.
Instead of wasting time and energy dreaming over someone’s profile, save that time and energy to dream over him after sparks fly on that first date.
Third Commandment:
Thou shalt stay SAFE.
It’s unfortunately all too common for women to experience harassment online.
Nearly half of women find that men continue to contact them after they said they weren’t interested.
Forty-six percent of women have been sent explicit messages or images by men they met online.
A third have been called an offensive name.
So stay safe and protect yourself from the get-go.
“Protecting yourself” used to mean meeting a man in a public space, with friends who know where you are, and a cellphone on you that rings halfway through the date in case you need an excuse to bail.
These days, you don’t just need to protect yourself offline. You need to protect yourself online, too.
The easiest way to do it?
Wait to give out any personal details until after you’ve met this man in person.
Don’t tell him your full name. Don’t show him where to find you on social media.
And don’t give him your mobile number until after you’ve met him in person and decided you want to see him again.
Men have always asked for women’s phone numbers, but phone numbers aren’t necessary on online dating platforms that allow for video calls.
You can talk to each other over the platform without ever exchanging digits.
By keeping all your communication on the online dating platform until you meet, you give yourself an added layer of protection. If he says anything untoward, you can report him.
Once you meet and hit it off, feel free to give him your contact info so you can continue the conversation off the site.
So remember these basics! They’ll give you confidence as you search for love.
What’s your #1 rule in online dating? Share it with us in the comments!
[1] https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2013/10/21/online-dating-relationships/
I met a man (78) a few years older than myself (73) that sounded so good on paper. He knew how to sell himself and he might have even been in the sales field before he retired. His profile and photos were impressive but I had a sneaky feeling he wasn’t really who he thought he was. I met him at a local diner and thought the conversation flowed and we had a few things in common. I expected to hear from him a few days later, but he said something as he was driving away. I told him to call me sometime and he was rather rude and said something to the fact that he would if he didn’t lose my number first! I was very open and honest with him when he asked me a few questions. Bottom line was he couldn’t take my honesty. But as we talked I asked him how often did he see his grand kids? His profile was filled with photos how he interacted with his grand kids. His answer was rather odd and I saw a dark side of him. He told me that his daughter was married to a smuck and he hadn’t seen his grand kids in over 2 years! Why, because he didn’t like the husband and he was staying away! So why didn’t he change the photos to reflect more of his own current activities? Right there I felt he wasn’t who he portrayed himself to be and was living a big lie. You know the old saying when your hair stands up on the back of your neck and you get a bad gut feeling to always trust it! I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so decided to text him. What he texted back to me was down right rude and disgusting. He told me that if I thought he was going to sit across from me on another date where he could only imagine what my boobs looked like and not get any, then I was crazy. I asked him what did I say that he most likely misunderstood? He told me that most older women won’t put out on the first date and because of that, older men like to date younger women because the younger ones always put out!!!! I told him that I am not old and he was trying to shame me into something I didn’t feel were my morals and values. I will never ever do that ever again. I knew he was hurting and thought maybe we could try again. This is when I knew he was definitely a sick puppy. He wanted to get off the phone and come running over to my house and have sex! So I started to see a pattern. If the man posted numerous photos of himself so self-absorbed with himself and has numerous photos of himself working out at a gym or showing his chest while at the beach, I knew this man was probably going to turn out to be a narcissist. What bothers me is that he showed up on this date wearing a disguise and I showed up with good intentions. I wasn’t wearing a mask and he was. I felt betrayed. He lead me to believe he was one way, but turned out to be the worse kind of human being. A fake, horny, old man and probably was carrying around a disease! We were both veterans and I saw him one day at the VA Clinic and wanted so much to ask him this…so how is it working out for you dating all those young babes? Getting any lately? Being on these dating websites has really opened my eyes to the moral decay of our society. I am learning how to read people better and decided I wasn’t going to be bitter. I am on a journey to find a good man and need to stay positive. So my comment is this. To ask better questions before I meet them. Like how was their childhood? Did they grow up happy and in a safe environment. Most people who have been mistreated earlier on in their lives, tend to keep that anger and keep repeating it with each new person. How do they handle disappointments? Do you believe in God, are they religious? So shame on me because I wasn’t asking enough questions and wasn’t given the chance to make better decisions if I should even bother with this disgusting man. He wasted my time. I walked away from that experience feeling like an idiot because I was so clueless only because he wasn’t honest with me. I also learned a few things about myself. I am a fixer upper. I might even be an enabler. I am just too nice so now if I feel I am being disrespected, I clear the air immediately and communicate in a confident way that I won’t accept his behavior. I also tell them what they did or said that turned me off so there is no more misunderstandings and that they have crossed my boundaries. But by this time, I have figured it out this is definitely not the man for me and he’s wasting my time. So I end it. Each jerk I go out with, it becomes more and more clear what I am looking for. But it is the betrayal and dishonesty that ends up ruining the friendship. Last jerk I went out with he monopolized the conversation so much that I ended it with a text. He was forever interrupting me or trying to start a fight because he keep misunderstanding me. I couldn’t believe half the stuff he thought I had said. I knew he was gas lighting me and thought I was living in the Twilight Zone! Figured it out he was a classic malicious narcissist and I attract those kind of people. I purchased a book entitled, “Why Men Marry Bitches” I suspect they don’t think enough of themselves and feel that they deserve to be treated that way. This explains why there are so many divorces. People are getting divorced now at an even older age. So many messed up people and we are getting even more dysfunctional. We are even raising more toxic and empty children. What is your take on all this?
The only comment I have is about talking with multiple men at once. I limit myself to 5 or 6 at a time and then hide my profile for a week or two to concentrate on getting to know these gentlemen. If I continue to accept chatting with more than that, I forget what information goes with what gentleman and feel that it isn’t fair to them or me. They have a way of weeding themselves out if they are playing, scamming, unwilling to meet or we just don’t have anything in common. More manageable and fair to all.
Hi Leta,
One of the things I learned from date coaching is that she said it’s important to keep a journal of who you have talked to, the important things discussed (eg., how many kids, ages, likes, dislikes, etc.) and that’s how you keep everyone straight.
I like to use the “notes” section in my phone for key information about various new men. That way it’s always handy–but easy to delete when they become irrelevant. (A journal is too permanent. After they’re not in the picture–we don’t need anything to remind us of the budding relationships that didn’t work–we want to move on and focus on more promising possibilities!)
Hi Leta,
I agree with talking to multiple men at a time. Our time is precious so we have to be efficient. Initially I looked at it as a job interview. I am interviewing guys who potentially could be the one. I kept the last batch to 6, deleted the apps, eliminated 2, talked further with 4, video calls with them for weeks, they have to call me only 4-6pm, journaled every feeling, emotions, notes, evaluations, met up with 3, had a second date with the last man standing. After 2 years we are now engaged. It was not easy to get there. It takes time, patience, good relationship with myself and two people willing to build something good.
Very good advice. Patience endures.
I wanted to add some more comments. I’m not sure that online dating has gotten easier. I do believe it works because I know a lot of people of who met their match on these sites and have very happy. Get on some FB groups and see comments from men and women who are so frustrated with online dating.
I think most of the dissatisfaction has to do with large numbers of fake profiles from scammers. Both my ex-wife and another friend of mine both came to me asking about what I thought of guys they were getting ready to go on a first date with. Both guys cancelled at the last minute because they had to go out of the country to take care of a sick relative…they kept up the communications, but it was easy to see that both were scams…each of them all of a sudden said their return to the U.S. was being delayed for one reason or the other. I told both my ex and my friend that it was a scam, and what to look for and both of them came back to me and said, “you’re right!”
I definitely *disagree* that a woman should expect sparks on that first date and think the author should not have had that. As I said in my last comment, from what I’ve read (and seen in experiences from friends), that initial “spark” was sexual connection and you need a lot more than that for a long term relationship. Real chemistry takes time to develop. I’m not saying that it never happens on a first date, but you feel those sparks fly, then what? How well do you REALLY know this person? That takes months.
I think the better way to handle dating is to write down exactly what makes you happy in your life, and exactly what you want in a partner. These are things that are deal breakers if you don’t see them in the person you’re going out. The date coaching I’ve taken says to have a funnel of a number of people, i.e. up to 4, that you’re are casually dating. When you see a red flag, drop him out of the funnel, and replace the person with someone else. Eventually, you’ll get the person who checks all the boxes. Can it take time? Of course! I was taught that looking for your true mutual match is a marathon and NOT a sprint.
Also, for those who are sending out the intro (icebreaker) messages. The average return rate for responses is about 10%. That means that to get 10 replies to your messages you need to send out around 100 messages. People don’t generally reply if they’re not interested. Don’t take it personally. Everyone is looking for their own particular criteria.
And as a guy leaving a comment on a post written for women…don’t just dismiss a guy after one or two dates if you really like him but don’t feel the chemistry. You might be surprised at the results of time spent being worth it. Example: My closest friend went out with a guy and she had a good time with him on the date. She didn’t find him especially attractive, but she had a good time with him. She went on a second date and had a really good time. Then a third date and a fourth. I told her she would fall in love with him. She laughed at me and said, “I have a great time with this guy but I’m definitely NOT attracted to him and the thought of being intimate with him is WAY out of the question.” Several months later she sent me a text saying, “You were right. I’m really in love with this guy.” Ladies, give it a chance. As I said earlier, looking for the right person is a marathon and not a sprint. Take your time.
Love your responses, Dave 🙂 Spot on.
Dave, I would like to suggest that instead of just ignoring an ‘icebreaker’ and leaving the sender in limbo, that if you’re not interested in that person just send them a note to say ‘thanks, but I don’t think we would be a good match’. That way they can stop waiting for you to reply and move on.
I am not 24 to 40. I am 75, alone, lonely and just want a friend and companion to talk with and go places with each paying out own way No money expectation. Where do we look? I am not into religion. Most classes are all women at my age. I am just looking for a friend not another husband.
Patty,
Have you tried looking into Meetup groups? They are groups of people with similar interests. After my divorce, I was looking for some ways to meet people, and I’m interested in photography, so I Googled, “Photography clubs” for my area, and a photography Meetup came up. I had never heard of Meetup groups before, and when I joined the photo one, I noticed that the members of that group were members of other Meetup groups…so next thing I knew I was joining movie, dining, hiking, wine, beer, meditation, etc. Meetups. I’ve met a lot of really great people over the years…some of them very good friends.
One of the women I met became a good friend, and now she’s dating a guy she met in another meetup group. They are NOT all for singles looking for dates… they are groups of people with similar interests. Meetup.com. It’s one of the ways you can meet other people.
Dave,Thank you for the suggestion. I am looking into
“Meet ups” right now. Zi have found an interesting group who learn and play Bocce Ball together. That could be a great way to learn something new andxmwwet folks.
I also caught your hint about the two books. My library did not have either, so I went online to a used book site and found a copy by the same author in three parts, ‘For men, for women, & for couples’ I have ordered it and look forward to reading all three parts. Thanks again. You really have great advice. That 3rd date lady missed a great guy by wanting Mr. Right on the 1st or 3rd date! Impatience is not a great virtue is it? I hope you find someone for yourself soon.
There is so much more. And it’s not only men who don’t know how to take pictures of themselves.
As a guy who has been through probably a thousand profiles, women post pictures that are fuzzy and we can hardly see what they look like. I’m in an older demographic (60’s), and women in late 50’s and 60’s post pictures of themselves from many years ago because they don’t want guys seeing wrinkles. Well, if they don’t want to see us and be disappointed with who shows up at the date bc he doesn’t look anything like his pictures, we feel the same way about the woman. Also, there is such a large amount of women who use filters to take away wrinkles…the pics look artificial and awful.
I can’t tell you how many profiles there are of women in which the pics are so dark we can’t see what they look like, or they post pics of their vacation photos (without them in it). We’re not interested in sunsets, flowers, or pictures of only your pets. We want to see what you look like NOW, exactly the same as you want to see what we really look like!
Also, in terms of phone numbers. People can sign up for free Google Voice which will assign a phone number, so everyone using it can feel safe that the other persons won’t be able to reach them or harass them.
I want to say something else….there’s rarely a true “connection” in the first and second date. Give it some time if you’ve had a good time with a guy but you don’t feel chemistry on that first or second date. When that happens (from what I’ve read in many articles), it’s more of a sexual attraction. While sexual attraction is absolutely necessary, real chemistry between two people can take time. Give it several dates. I’ve been on so many dates in which we had a terrific time on a couple of dates…when asking out on a 3rd date, I’ve been told so many times: “you’re a fantastic guy…I’ve had a really great time with you…you’re intelligent, great conversation, lots of laughs, great sense of humor! But I don’t feel a connection so I need to move on. Good luck.” I’ve contacted these women and asked for an absolutely honest opinion of what they didn’t have a good feeling about…it helps to know for the future… and each time, they said, “you didn’t do anything wrong. I had a fantastic time with you! I just didn’t feel the chemistry.”
Trying to send a thanks to Dave. Good ideas, Dave, I will check it out per your recommendation. You give great advise. Meet ups sound wide open, easy and not pressured. Thanks again.
Patty
Wow. Sorry that happened, or didn’t happen for you.