You want to be the best partner you can be.
You want to show him how adored he is.
You want to make him so happy he’ll want to be with you forever.
How do you do that?
You might:
- Meet his needs before he realizes he has them.
- Ask very little from him.
- Be the “perfect girlfriend.”
- Help him become the man you know he could be.
Do those love strategies work?
Can you win him over by being the most helpful, positive, easy-going, affectionate girlfriend he’s ever had?
Let’s find out!
I’m going to share with you 7 love strategies that many women use to win their guy’s heart.
Which love strategies actually work? Which love strategies don’t work? See if you can guess…
Strategy #1: Look after his every need.
If you love being the woman your man relies on, the one he can’t live without, then you might be a fan of this strategy.
You look for things you can do for him, envisioning how happy he’ll be when he finds out you made him his favorite dinner or fixed a problem he’d been struggling with.
Feeling useful makes you happy. It keeps you busy.
The more he needs you, the safer you feel in the relationship. He can’t walk away, because he relies on you too much.
Acts of service are your love language.
Strategy #2: Be perfect.
You want to be the perfect girlfriend.
You’re constantly learning how to improve your relationships. You devour expert advice and follow it to the letter. You take care of your body, and you take care of him. If there were a #1 Girlfriend competition, you’d win hands-down.
But he doesn’t seem to notice all the hard work you put in. If anything, he seems to take you for granted.
You’re not asking for a medal, but a compliment and some reassurance would be nice.
Strategy #3: Don’t upset him.
You always ruin things. But you won’t this time.
This time, you won’t let down your guard. You’ll watch yourself like a hawk.
“Don’t mess it up,” you tell yourself. “Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t do anything dumb. Don’t give him a reason to end it.”
You’re so careful to avoid his displeasure that being with him makes you stressed. It’s exhausting.
Strategy #4: Save/fix him.
He’s had a raw deal in the past.
He’s had ex-girlfriends who used him. Bosses who picked on him. Parents who didn’t love him.
And you’re going to change all that.
You’re going to show him what a healthy relationship is all about.
You’re going to give him the love he never knew he needed. You’re going to lift him up and show him how amazing he is. He deserves a happy ending.
Strategy #5: Look on the bright side.
You’re a positive person. There’s nothing the right mindset can’t solve.
You keep smiling. You count your blessings. You post loving tributes to your guy on social media.
Everyone thinks you have the perfect relationship, because you never complain.
Problems get swept under the rug and remain there, unaddressed.
Strategy #6: Please him.
You like making people happy. You get great joy out of helping others, even if it’s not convenient for you. You’re truly selfless.
You’ve been called a people pleaser, but you don’t think that’s such a bad thing. The world needs more helpful people.
If it’s hard for you to say no or stand up to him, well, his needs are more important than yours. You go along with him because it costs you so little and means so much to him.
Strategy #7: Worship him.
He’s the best man you’ve ever met. He is your knight in shining armor. You won’t hear a bad word said about him.
It astonishes you that he’s with you when he could have anyone he wanted.
When your relationship gets rocky, you take the blame. You know you could have done things better. He’s an important man. It’s not his job to pay attention to little details.
Which Strategy Is Yours?
Do you see yourself in any of these love strategies? (Or maybe more than one?)
Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera calls these our “conditioned selves.”
They’re the different ways we learned to get love growing up.
And surprise! None of them are entirely bad or entirely good.
Looking after your partner is beautiful. But it can be harmful when it takes the place of looking after yourself.
Striving to be a better girlfriend is beautiful. But it can be harmful when it makes you a perfectionist or self-critical.
Helping your partner is beautiful. But it can be harmful when you take responsibility for his life.
Ask yourself:
- Which love strategies do I use?
- How do those strategies reflect my values and strengths?
- At what point does using those strategies become harmful (both to myself and to the relationship)?
- What might happen if I stopped using my preferred love strategy? Would I still feel worthy of love?
There’s so much involved in a relationship. My girlfriend (actually not sure what this relationship is: extremely close friends with no benefits, who says she loves me to pieces) thinks the 5 Love Languages are pop psychology and not that important. I think, that these ARE incredibly important, but only ONE tool in a collection of tools for a successful relationship.
I have discussed the Love Languages with my girlfriend, told her my #1 LL is QUALITY TIME, followed by physical touch. Acts of Service and Giving (actually Receiving) Gifts is at the very bottom. Yet, she continually does Acts of Service and gets unbelievably insulted if I don’t gush over things she does for me, which I don’t really care about. I TRY to make a big deal of it.. “Thanks so much for taking out the trash!!!” “I really appreciate you cleaning up!!!” but she’s living with me … what was supposed to be a few days has turned into months. I *am* appreciative, but she’s staying with me, has no job right now (I’m 70, she’s 62) so I would expect her to contribute things like cleaning or taking out the trash occasionally without me gushing over it. I do make sure I thank her for doing those things.
But, when I mention the things that I want to do to, which I consider spending quality time, she keeps listing things she asks me to do with her that are HER idea of quality time. MY idea of quality time, is going out for the day to museums, theater, historical sites, day drives, festivals, concerts, taking drives to wineries, up in the mountains, she LOVES to do those things but she doesn’t want to drive more than 45 minutes each way. Even local things, she won’t spend with me, like going to the Farmer’s Market, because there’s always something else she wants to do. If I want to go to the movies, I have to go by myself. If I want to go to a new exhibit at some museums that are about an hour away, I have to go by myself. If I want to go to an event up in the mountains, I have to do myself. Meeting someone else’s love languages means doing things THEY want, not what YOU want.
My point in all that, is that you do things that meet *each other’s* love languages.
Terri, your comment, above…it’s tough to know what happened. My ex-wife busted her butt trying to make me happy. She truly loved me. As I mentioned in a previous comment months ago, I settled when I got married. I didn’t think there was anyone who met the absolute needs (not wants, but NEEDS) I had for a life partner, so I settled and wasn’t truly in love with her. I thought that’s all there was. She’s kind, caring, warm, loving, family oriented, and the same religion. But she didn’t really share any of my interests…. And the problem was she spent and spent and spent. Hostility grew over the years, as our credit card debt rose and rose to many tens of thousands of dollars, until we finally ended up in bankruptcy, my life savings gone, and I had so much distaste for her, I couldn’t even force myself to be intimate with her.
TERRI: My point in that comment is that proper communication was missing. I tried talking to her about it, but obviously I didn’t do it properly. Also, she refused to go for counseling. She truly loved me, but I didn’t truly love her. Could that be part of the problem, Terri? Were you two ever really in a mutually loving relationship? Could there have been things you were doing that were aggravating him, but he didn’t know how to communicate them, and held them in until he finally left? By the time a partner leaves, it’s because something has been festering for a long time. The vast majority of the time, I don’t believe it’s something that came on one morning. If he found someone else, it was because something else was wrong for a long time prior to that.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, since my divorce, and some books I’ve read were eye opening:
1) For the guys: Most of us do an awful job. Prior to marriage, we go overboard in trying to “win over the woman”. She’s the prize and we do everything to please, then after it’s signed, sealed and we’re married, all that we did, stops. It should be a lifetime endeavor to keep on chasing after the prize and *keep* winning over the woman of our dreams, and the things we did to win her over, should be done for the rest of our lives. Many of us take our partners for granted.
2) For the guys: Most of us don’t continually tell our partner that we love them. Don’t just assume that because we’ve been doing this or that for them, and treating them well, that they know we love them. My closest friend told her live-in bf that she would like to hear those words from him. He said, “You KNOW I love you!” Her response, was, ‘Well, I *think* you do, but for heaven sakes, TELL me!! I want to HEAR the words!” I think that’s true for most women.
3) For women…men and women are wired differently. True. Generally, we men process more slowly. If there’s something we’re arguing with you about and we walk away….more times than not, it’s because we need to process what you’re saying. It’s not that we don’t want to deal with it. Give us time to think about what you’ve said and come back with a reasonable reply. We COULD do better at letting you know WHY we’re walking away, though. I’m definitely guilty of this one.
There’s so many things that keep a relationship going. It takes work. It takes communication, and a whole lot us just aren’t good at the communication piece. I think lack of communication leads to cheating. I met someone online over 20 years ago and had a “cyber” affair. We never met and I could never have let myself have a physical relationship with someone else, but that WAS cheating. My wife is a good person (despite having spent our life savings), but she didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and I’ve felt guilty for two decades and continue to do so.
I think there’s a ton more to be said, but I think this was more than enough for a simple comment. 🙂
Thank you for your thoughts. He really did display narcissistic behavior. But I am not an expert but through personal experience what he said, or did left me baffled several times, or in tears but then when was “on” things were great. It’s way too much to type oh here all the red flags I ignored. I try not to judge anyone. I do not have that right. I’ve been through alot in my life and as a result worked VERY hard on myself due to the adversities I had faced.
And it sounds to me like your lady friend’s motives weren’t pure. Venturing out on your own really sucks. Supposed to be making memories together.
Looking for praise and accolades for performing the simplest of household tasks would get real old, real fast. Doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.
Why do you let her stay? Is she filling the void? I hope she financially contributes. For your benefit. Mine drove truck. But lived with me in my place on his off time. Addicted to his phone.
Exchanged love yous. But I feel today it was all an act on his behalf. Broken hearts sure suck but it happens. I pray for him today because resentments are useless.
Thanks for reading.
Terri
Thanks for your reply. This woman’s motives are definitely pure. She is incredibly caring, but like many of us, has a LOT of insecurities, some bad experiences with people in general, though not with ex boyfriends. She’s not being a leech. She has an empty house she owns in NC, and has been packing her stuff to move, but she is also having a difficult time saying good-bye, bc she doesn’t want to be alone. On top of that, she totaled her car and has been car shopping…which also is taking time.
The problem in OUR relationship is that she doesn’t like to put labels on relationships…she says that every relationship is different. She considers me her closest, truest friend. I can’t change the fact that she doesn’t feel a chemistry for physical intimacy. It’s kind of like we’re in a romantic relationship but without the intimacy. I go to a therapist and she said that some women in this age category may not have any physical desire for sex, with anyone, while others have a very high libido and strong sex drive.
You’d be the one who would know best if your ex has narcissistic traits or is a narcissist. I’m sorry you had to go through something like that. Living with that type of personality is so heartbreaking and difficult. I guess many of us have had some pretty awful experiences!!!
I have traits in these strategies, but I did take very good care of my man, and he did confirm I’m a really good woman. But he still walked away from me one day and never heard from him again. It is obvious he met someone else because no matter how well I took care of him and respected him, he made sure it didn’t work out with us. Sabotaged our relationship all along really but I didn’t throw in the towel because I could see potential in our relationship. We are definitely in different places as far as emotionally, mentally. I feel, now that I look back, he just used me to full his void and meet his needs until he met someone else.