Jade came to me with a clear focus for what she wanted to work on.
“I want to show my boyfriend that he can trust me,” she said. “He had a really toxic relationship with his ex, and now he says he’s scared of getting close to anyone else again. How can I help him get over his fears?”
Jade was the kind of woman any man would feel thankful for. She radiated warmth, generosity, and dependability. She was determined to improve herself and make a wonderful life for the man she’d eventually marry.
“Did anything happen to make him doubt you?” I asked.
“No, not that I know of.”
“What are you doing right now to help him overcome his fears from the past?”
“Like, everything!” She threw her hands up in frustration. “I give him plenty of space. I don’t push him. I don’t ask much of him. But it’s not working. He says he needs more time.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a story like this.
There are a lot of men who won’t get close to a woman because of their troubled past.
For some, it’s because their parents divorced and they’re afraid the same thing will happen to them. Others won’t get close because a nasty breakup soured them on relationships. Still others are afraid of being rejected or used or letting someone down.
These men are lucky to find partners like Jade who are willing to work with them.
Jade wanted to help her boyfriend get over his fears. She had so much love to give him. But he had to be willing to receive it.
In a moment, I’ll give you 3 questions that will help you decide if his desire for a relationship is greater than his fears.
But first, let’s see if we can get inside his head.
Have you ever really wanted a relationship…
But felt scared?
If so, what were you afraid of?
Were you afraid of getting hurt? Of giving away all your power to someone else? Of making a fool out of yourself? Of messing up your one shot with someone you really respected?
If you take relationships seriously, then of course you’re going to be nervous. The more you want anything, the more frightened you’ll feel of taking that first step. Once you start, it feels like there’s no going back.
For some, the dream is so big and attractive that it paralyzes them. It’s easier to wish and hope than actually do something about it. Never trying means you’ll never fail.
Some men fall into that camp. They’d rather fantasize about a relationship than do anything about it.
Because you’re reading this, I don’t think that describes you. 😉 I think you’re more than willing to do the work to get a great relationship, even if it means you might get rejected or dumped.
But is he willing?
Holding back from you may be his way of protecting himself.
What he doesn’t realize is that he’s protecting himself from love as well as heartbreak.
You need to know whether this man can get over his fears so he can love you the way you deserve … or whether he’ll choose his fears over you.
Find out by asking yourself these 3 questions.
#1. Does he know his future involves a relationship?
A man who isn’t sure whether he wants a relationship may not have the motivation to face his fears. He may use his fear of getting hurt as an excuse to push you away.
If someone genuinely wants a relationship, they won’t let their fear of getting hurt stop them. That’s why it’s so important that he can see himself in a relationship someday, even if he’s not promising it will be with you.
#2. Does he keep his promises?
A man who’s afraid of getting hurt will proceed cautiously. He’ll take longer to make a move. He wants to be sure of each step.
But he also knows that delaying too long increases his risk of losing you. So he’s torn. Jump into a relationship before he’s ready? Or go slow and risk losing you to someone else?
One way to balance those competing needs is only making promises to you that he knows he can keep. He won’t promise you the moon, but he’ll follow through on what he can offer.
#3. Do you talk about boundaries?
People who are afraid of getting hurt can act in ways that seem rude or thoughtless. They’re trying to protect themselves in a clumsy, ham-fisted way.
That’s why boundaries are so important.
If he can let you know what he needs to feel safe, then he won’t have to pull back abruptly. He can set limits, knowing you’ll respect those limits.
You need to be able to set limits with him, too. No more giving you the cold shoulder then begging to have you back. Just because he’s scared doesn’t mean you have to bend over backwards to accommodate him.
That was a lesson Jade needed to learn. Her guy’s fear of intimacy didn’t give him carte blanche to push her away.
Have you ever dated a guy like that? Tell us your story in the comments.
Hello Everyone, trust you are all well physically, we all know we are not emotionally or we would not be reading each other’s blights. I was in a happy, loving caring marriage for 35 years, more than half my life I was his wife and loved it. My soulmate passed suddenly but peacefully lying next to me in our king sized bed in the house he and I built for our retirement years. I never got to experience retirement with Keith as he was just shutting his business down. Keith provided for me in every way, it was called unconditional love. I am now ready to open my world and heart up again but have been taken advantage of on 3 dating sites. Am I trying too hard, so many men have been hurt when their marriage falls apart and do not know how to let go of their past and enjoy the present now right now, time waits on no one. I am a strong independent woman, I think that turns a lot of men off, although my husband said that is what he loved about me. Maybe I have tried to move on too soon, but miss the physical intimacy, need it – want it but not receiving it. The one gent I let into my world lied to me. He could not be intimate yet still let me plan that night, champagne, motel room and me, but he could not preform did not and could not, boy did that ever 😞 hurt.. Any suggestions?
My husband and I have been married for almost 28 years. I became an alcoholic for 8 years, but I am sober now. We separated and he began seeing someone else. He wants to give us another try but says “I broke him”. He says there are no feelings but his actions speak otherwise. His ex-fling won’t leave him alone. She texts and calls even when he is with me. He works in TX and we live 14 hrs away. We are still married. HELP!!! I am working your program but I am so frustrated. Thank you in advance.
Hey, Carla. It sounds like a complicated situation. Yet in one way it’s very simple.
You both value the shared story you have created together as a couple. That’s something valuable. Something hard to replace. And whether he admits it or not, deep down he recognizes that value and wants to fight for it despite the pain and some of the emotional numbness he has noticed in himself.
As I read your question, I found myself wondering if you remember one of the simplest things about love…
It’s not a set of goals or relationship status markers that you go after. Rather, it’s something that is created one moment at a time. It shows up, often unexpectedly. It’s a little bit magical and it certainly is not a tame beast. It’s wild and free, more like a phoenix that randomly bursts into flames and starts anew than a predictable train on a track that operates like clockwork.
But the key is to create the opportunities for love to arise. And that’s where the section of my relationship course that talks about “propinquity” is going to be really helpful to you.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
I recently had an old boyfriend contact me. Telling me he misses me and really still likes me. He says he doesn’t want to be single the rest of his life and made a comment about seeing each other again. We broke up because he was cheating on me. We both caught him and he split from us both. Now he’s contacting me and says he screwed up. But the issue is he asks to see me but never follows through on making it happen. I respond to his texts and he either takes forever to respond or doesn’t respond at all. What’s going on with him? To me I feel like he’s playing games. Why do men do this?
Based on what little you’ve told us here, Linda I don’t think any of us would recommend you pursue this relationship.
If you do want to give him another chance, some people have used the following approach. Tell him clearly what you need from him in terms of consistency and follow through. Explain clearly that he would have to earn your trust again by committing time and attention to the relationship consistently without flaking out. Explain what that would look like down to the details of responding to texts and initiating open conversation about motives, the relationship, and his current social circle of friends.
If you anticipate he would fail at this, it’s up to you whether you want to risk your heart in that way. It also sometimes helps to make a mental note of a decision point and mark it on your calendar. If he hasn’t shown you a dramatic change by that point in the positive direction, then you owe it to yourself to cut off the relationship at that point rather than continuing to be strung along.
Always on your side,
James
Linda,
Are we dating the same man?? Lol your story is exactly my story. Sad to see there is another woman going through this. Wonder how many more are out there…
Thank you James. I love how your advice is to the point.