Thinking back over every guy you’ve ever dated…
Do you wonder why you picked some of them?
Were there some mistakes? By that I mean guys who didn’t make you feel good?
Did you ever behave in ways that were completely out of character for you?
Did you ever date a guy you knew was bad for you…
But you stayed with him anyway?
If so, it’s likely because you believed deep down in your heart that there was something good in him…
That this relationship would be amazing if only you could figure out the key that would turn the lock in his heart and make him commit completely and forever to you.
We can’t help who we feel attracted to.
But we don’t have to waste our time and energy dating the ones that won’t boost our joy.
Be on the lookout for these 3 reasons you feel attracted to the wrong people (and I’ll share a solution at the end).
1. We Get Attracted to the Wrong People Because…
We Think We Can Change Them
There’s a very good reason you believe you can change a man.
The plotline of nearly every romance novel tells you that a bad boy can be transformed into a good man by the love of a woman. A broken man can be healed and taught to love again by the love of a woman.
Of course you want to be part of such a beautiful story.
You want to be the one who heals him. Who shows him what’s possible. Who transforms his life.
Why would you pick a man who’s already healed, who already believes in love, and who is ready to commit?
Those men don’t need you. They’re not a challenge.
And maybe those guys even feel like the type of man who wouldn’t pick you. Maybe it feels like the only men you have a chance with are the broken ones.
Breaking that story—the idea that your job is to find a broken man and teach him to love again—is not going to be easy.
One of the hardest lessons in love is this:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
But you can do it.
Notice what’s attracting you to a man.
Is it the possibility of healing his heart and showing him that he can love again?
Or is it the beauty of his strong, healthy, loving heart?
2. We Get Attracted to the Wrong People Because…
We’re Still Teens Inside
For many of us, those first romantic stirrings began as we crossed the threshold into our teen years.
Those teen years are incredibly formative. We learn who is popular with the opposite sex and who isn’t. We test our flirting powers. We look at ourselves in the mirror and try to imagine what others see.
Those early lessons are carried with us as we mature into adults and begin to date in earnest.
On the outside, we look like competent, successful adults who have everything together.
On the inside, we still feel the same insecurities we felt as teenagers.
Have you ever had the experience of dating someone who looked like a man on the outside but acted in ways that seemed completely immature? His teen self was running the show.
Think about the lessons your teen self absorbed about attraction, relationships, and desire.
Are any of those lessons still operating in your life?
Can you help your teen self understand a healthier way to love?
3. We Get Attracted to the Wrong People Because…
Addiction Feels Better Than Love
There’s nothing more exciting than being obsessed with someone.
You can’t stop thinking about him. You want to be with him constantly. The drama and intrigue transform your dull, ordinary life.
Why wouldn’t you want to be with someone like that?
Because it’s addiction, not love.
The euphoria of that honeymoon stage of attraction may feel like love, but psychologists don’t consider it love. It even has a different name: limerance.
It isn’t until that initial euphoria fades that you understand whether this relationship has potential. You need to see whether a man is willing to do the work of love.
Does he try to reconnect when your bond has been broken? Does he talk things through? Is he thinking about the long-term rather than short-term satisfaction?
One way to get those answers faster is to ask yourself a very important question when you meet someone new.
Don’t put so much weight on the question: “Am I attracted to this man?”
Instead, focus on finding out the answer to this:
“Can this man love me, just as he is and just as I am?”
Because it is love, not obsession, that holds relationships together for a lifetime.