It’s one of those questions I get asked all the time:
“How do I know if he’s the one, James?”
My clients want to know if this is as good as it gets. What if there’s someone out there who’s better? What if they’re wasting time with the wrong man when Mr. Right is still out there?
It’s an uncomfortable feeling.
These women are half-in, half-out of their relationship.
They can’t commit fully because, in their heart, they’re not sure that this is the guy for them.
Here’s the truth. That feeling is completely normal.
Every time you make a big life change, whether it’s moving to a new place or taking on a new job, you always wonder whether you’re doing the right thing.
There’s always a moment where you catch yourself and think, “What have I got myself into it? Was this really the right decision?”
In those moments, you usually remind yourself of all the reasons you made your decision. You moved because you thought you would have more opportunities. You took the new job because you needed a challenge.
With relationships, though, you’re not looking for opportunities or a challenge. You don’t care what your head says about staying with this person. You’re looking for a thumbs-up from your heart.
Is this true love…
It’s hard to tell sometimes.
When you’re stuck with questions you can’t answer, I encourage a different approach.
Ask yourself a different question.
Three different questions, to be exact.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Everyone can come up with a list of flaws in the one they love.
He’s not what you thought your Mr. Right would be like. He isn’t as romantic as you’d hoped. He doesn’t fit the mold of a dark and brooding hero.
In the end it doesn’t matter whether he’s what you expected.
What matters is what kind of relationship you have.
If you have a good relationship that makes you happy and makes you feel positive about the future, then clearly he’s the right kind of guy for you.
So, instead of asking yourself whether he’s right, ask yourself whether your relationship is right.
These 3 questions can help.
“How is your relationship impacting you?”
In what ways is your relationship making a positive difference in your life?
What does it do for you?
It gives you companionship, obviously. It gives you someone to talk to at the end of the day. It gives you someone to rely on.
Those are generic benefits that any relationship might provide. I encourage you to go deeper.
What does this relationship with this particular man bring to your life?
Does he complement you in unexpected ways? Has he broadened your horizons? Has he helped you become more patient or more adventurous?
How is this relationship different from your previous relationships? Do you feel that you are a better person as a result?
“How is your relationship holding you back?”
Many of the women who wonder if they’re with the right person are actually concerned about something else:
They’re worried that their relationship is holding them back.
She feels that her life has gotten smaller. Her partner doesn’t want to do new things. It feels as if he doesn’t want her to grow in new directions. There’s a stuck feeling.
Relationships should be safe spaces for us to grow with a companion to journey with into new adventures. They shouldn’t feel like tight containers that hold us in place.
In what ways do you feel your relationship is holding you back?
“What would it feel like if you were still together in 5 years?”
Finally, I want you to imagine yourself 5 years in the future.
You are still with this man, and absolutely nothing about your relationship has changed.
He’s still the same guy.
You’re still doing the same things.
How does that feel?
Sometimes, we stick with someone because we’ve fallen in love with the idea of what our relationship shouldbe. We have this vision of who our partner could become, with our help and support.
But a person isn’t a project.
It’s not our job to fix the people we love.
It’s our job just to love them.
So do you love this relationship? Is it enough, exactly how it is?
And that’s okay if it isn’t.
It’s okay if you need to wait and see. It’s okay if you need more information.
Even though romantic songs and movies lead us to believe that we’ll experience love at first sight, and we’ll know beyond the shadow of a doubt when we meet the one, real life isn’t always like that.
In real life, people grow on you. You fall in love a little more and a little more until you can’t imagine the world without this person.
He may not look like Mr. Right, but he will look perfect to you.