What’s the clearest sign you’re meant to be with a guy?
For many women, it’s how they feel about him.
The stronger your love, the stronger your conviction that you’re meant to be.
But researchers who study lasting relationships find that love is necessary but not sufficient.
You need love, but love on its own is not enough.
Nearly all couples who get married consider themselves deeply in love, but that doesn’t protect them from divorce.
If you want love that lasts, then how you feel about him is just the starting point.
You also need evidence that the two of you will be good for each other in the long-term.
And you can find that by asking yourself one simple but powerful question that I’m going to share with you in a just a bit…
How He Makes You Feel
It goes without saying that how we feel is inextricably tied to the people in our lives.
The people we encounter every day can make us feel happy, seen, and appreciated.
Or they can make us feel irritated, disappointed, and disgusted.
The closer we are to someone, the bigger the impact they have on how we feel.
A loving relationship can make us happier and healthier, while a difficult relationship can make us sick and depressed.
The science of co-regulation explains exactly how this works.
Your nervous system takes in information from your senses and translates that into action.
When you’re with your guy, you take in every little thing about him—the tone of his voice, the warmth of his skin, his demeanor and posture, how he smells—and your nervous system responds.
If he’s affectionate, you might relax and feel calmer.
If he’s irritable and stressed out, your heart might beat a little faster.
Even if his emotions aren’t directed towards you, your body still resonates with his like a tuning fork.
This is an obvious example, but much of the time co-regulation is invisible.
You’re sitting together on the sofa, and you start to breathe in unison.
You’re sleeping beside each other, and your heart rhythms begin to synchronize.
His presence causes very real changes in your physiology, and you do the same to him.
What you need to know is this:
Is He “Savings” or a “Tax”?
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett is one of the world’s leading experts on emotions.
She helps people visualize the impact of relationships on health through the metaphor of a “body budget.”
Your body has a limited “budget” of energy to spend each day.
Some people give you energy through their comforting, supportive presence. They take some of the mental load off. You trust and rely on them. They act like savings in your body budget.
Other people drain your energy through confusing or demanding behavior. You have to monitor your behavior around them to avoid offending them and make sure they’re happy. They act like a tax on your body budget.
Now I want you to ask yourself this:
Does the guy in your life act more like savings or a tax?
The Savings Checklist
When the guy in your life acts like savings, he:
- Helps you calm down and feel better when you’re upset.
- Can ease your pain just by holding your hand or giving you a hug.
- Makes you feel better just by being there.
- Stays calm himself even when you’re upset.
When you’re with a man like this, you don’t need to invest a lot of time and energy in trouble-shooting the relationship. It’s mostly easy.
Because your relationship isn’t taxing, you have the freedom and energy to do other things, like work on your career or your health.
That’s a relationship that can last.
The Tax Checklist
On the other hand, when the guy in your life acts like a tax, he:
- Makes you feel worse when you’re upset.
- Gets upset himself when you’re upset.
- Doesn’t want anything to do with you when you’re upset.
- Demands your energy when you’re drained of energy.
- Acts in ways that confuse you.
When you’re with a man like this, you devote a lot of time and energy to trouble-shooting the relationship.
It can feel like the only thing holding this relationship together is all the work you put into it.
Because the relationship takes up so much time and energy, you don’t have enough time for other parts of your life, like your friends and self-care.
That’s a relationship headed for burnout.
The playwright Jean-Paul Sartre famously wrote: “Hell is other people.”
But Barrett reminds us that Heaven is other people, too.
The people you surround yourself with can recharge your energy when you’re run down, or they can drain the limited energy you have available. Make sure your guy is a giver.
Recent Comments