A few months ago I was reading in my home office. As usual, it was psychology-oriented reading material. But the particular topic had to do with the unusual challenges faced by charitable organizations.
Perhaps this comes as no surprise to you, but the author was pointing out something I found very interesting (and strange). Save-the-Children type organizations are forced to focus on the stories of just a few people if they want to be successful at raising money from donors.
It could be an organization that raises money for orphans of the Central African civil wars. It could be an organization that raises money for malnourished children. Regardless of the cause, only individual stories seem to evoke the emotion needed for a person to pull out his or her checkbook.
And it turns out, the more children you show in a presentation, the less donors are willing to give. That sounds backwards, doesn’t it?
The worst situation occurs when the charitable organization offers statistics about the number of children who need homes. Or statistics about the number of families who don’t have enough food to live. For some reason the statistics seem to cause us to disconnect emotionally.
I experienced this first hand last week.
I attended a fund raiser for what the presenter said was classified by the U.N. as the “third poorest nation on earth.” She told us how it is landlocked and how the other countries demand tariffs and other fees as products enter or leave the landlocked nation with very few natural resources of its own.
None of that really affected me. But when she told me the story of two kids they helped by building an orphanage home, I was ready to write a check. I suddenly had an emotional desire to make sure the organization could continue helping those kids. I wanted to cry because the stories touched me so deeply.
Seeing lots of children doesn’t work. Why? Because it disconnects us from the way compassion and caring works in the human mind.
Humans are built for relationships, but not relationships with crowds. Our instincts are programmed to respond to the human story.
If you are exposed to the story of one child, by the name of Gianna, and you learn about her particular hopes and struggles, something interesting starts to happen. You begin to connect with that child…a child you have never actually met. You start to care about her. She matters to you. How Gianna’s story ends is suddenly real and personal on an emotional level, not just a cognitive level.
Here’s the message I want you to get from this email. Your story matters. When you’re trying to connect with your love interest, it’s your story that gets him emotionally hooked.
I don’t care how attractive you are or how good you are at witty banter; if you are just a face without a story, the connection will never be real or genuine.
You may wonder how to integrate this advice with the important art of deep listening. Deep listening is all about learning his story.
Deep listening allows you to experience his story in a way that makes him feel like someone gets him on a deeper level. The more you learn about his hopes and dreams, fears and frustrations, the more you matter to him. Isn’t that weird?
It’s one of the many reasons we care deeply about people who have been there through it all with us. They know our story because they were a witness to it as it unfolded.
Getting back to the question at hand, never interrupt an opportunity to hear his story. I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of a conversation with one of those annoying people that responds to every single thing you say with their own related story.
They never even acknowledge what you said, thinking they are being a great conversationalist by sharing how, “Oh my God…that so totally just happened to me last week! Blah blah blah.”
Don’t be one of those people. Instead, start conversations by sharing what it’s like to be you. Let him into your world. Instead of telling him about yourself, let him see your life through your eyes.
Think of it like the advice fiction authors often receive from editors: “Don’t tell them about your character…show them.” When you connect in this way, he will feel a natural pull to learn more about you and keep in touch with you.
That’s all for today. I could go on about this particular topic for hours, but I know you’ve got places to go and stories to tell, so I’ll let you get to it!
James
James,
Thank you for the wonderful advice. It has been so helpful.
I have a friendship with a man I deeply love. He was investing in me but I didn’t understand dating and asked what we were after 2 months and physical intimacy.
(having been married 25+yrs and now widowed I am inexperienced with dating)
Being told we’re just casual friends scared me and I broke things off but then regretted the loss and began to pursue him. I am now friend zoned (his words) but he is always kind and complimenting toward me. We have a very tender friendship.
We live 8 hrs from one another and have very busy lives with many responsibilities. With the advice I’ve read I’ve stopped pursuing. We do still communicate some. He calls at least biweekly to catch up, but we have had some deeper conversations. He has both hurts from past relationships, mother issues and a painful past he is healing from.
Am I taking the right steps toward a hopeful relationship? Is there something else that is important to add to my sporadic conversations to strengthen our bond? Any advice is appreciated.
~devoted
Devoted,
It’s okay to want this relationship to rekindle and flourish.
As you’re probably now realizing, the odds of that happening are far greater when you provide the right soil for the seed of your mutual affection to grow.
Really, that’s the most important thing right now. Warmth from rays of sunshine on moist soil. In more practical terms, that means being fully present so that you can both enjoy each other’s company for what it is… one moment at a time with no expectation of what might come in the future or what has passed between you in days gone by.
This is what it means to fully embrace another person in the present moment. It has a way of healing wounds. It has a way of creating the warmth and sunshine that allows a seed’s potential to grow.
It’s difficult to maintain this stance when the mind wants to grasp at any indication of hope that there might be something more. Be cautious not to get pulled into the mind’s desire for certainty about what might come next.
There is a time and place for engaging the logical, planning mind and defining your relationship to create boundaries to protect it. You’ll know when the time is right to reengage that side of your thought process and discussion. For now, let this relationship be your teacher. Let it be simply an opportunity to practice enjoying life. Then let’s see what happens next.
Always on your side,
James
Hi James, I am in a situation that after several weeks of reading BEIRRESISTIBLE, I got back to my old self. When I applied the learnings I have in your module, my relationship with my boyfriend went okay. Then after 2 months, I went to another country and because I missed him so much, I called him everyday. Then I always start the conversation with how he is doing, what happened on his retreat and so on… I want to know the details of it. Then he got irritated that he feels like he has a problem with something that is why I am asking him such questions. For me it is like, I want to start a conversation but for him is something I have a problem with him. Is that normal? Do I have to say sorry? I told him that I will give him space and not contacted him for 3 days now.
Hi Cho. This sounds like miscommunication, and we could make guesses about the underlying reason. For example, he may be feeling guilty about something, which causes him to interpret your questions in light of the thing he feels guilty about. Or it could be that he feels sensitive about something, perhaps some area where he has low self-esteem, and there’s something about your questions that seem to be pricking that area of insecurity.
But here’s the truth. After doing hundreds and hundreds of counseling sessions with couples on communication issues, I’ve noticed that my best guesses rarely end up being the true cause of the miscommunication. There are just too many variations and possibilities.
And what works best is to just ask repeatedly for a narrative explanation of what one person thinks the other person is thinking and saying. This typically reveals surprising interpretations that one partner or both partners have made of the other person’s communication.
I don’t know if that will be useful to you in your communication with your guy at this juncture given recent feelings of stress and frustration, but I thought I would mention it in case you want to adopt the strategy for yourself.
James
Cho li, Men don’t like women who are not authentic. And they REALLY don’t like women who crowd their space and ask a million questions. If a man really loves you he’ll find a way to your door. There are miscommunications but it doesn’t sound like this is one.
Walk away, stop calling, and if he loves you so much he’ll be back. If not, find someone who loves you for who you are.
Hi James, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months now and he claims to love me but he never texts during the day claiming he’s not a texter but when he’s here, he texts with other ppl. He and his ex split 9 months ago and he’s admitted he’s still in love with her but wants me to help him get over her. I don’t know how to do that without getting jealous.
He blocked me off his Facebook claiming he erased FB but only blocked me. I could go on but how do I get him to pay more attention to me.
I feel like I’m just holding his wife’s place til she leaves her new boyfriend to get back with him (apparently she plays between him and another guy).
Anyways I could use your help desperately.
Thanks Heather.
Hi Heather. Yeah, those are some serious warning signs. This mini-report may give you some insight on what to do next.
Thanks for the relationship information in this course. It has helped me in my.relationship with my guy. I can’t afford to pay anymore money. Some of the free info I was unable to download but the part of the info that I did receive was helpful. Wish I could have gotten the rest that was suppose to be free downloads.
Thanks for your comment Belinda. One of our customer service agents will be contacting you soon. If you ever have any issues, our customer service team can be reached at [email protected].
Warm wishes,
Tracey
James, I love your blogs. They are always worth opening and reading. Thanks for your time and sharing.
Laura
You know James this story very connected to me actually I book advised consultation with your team and she advised me to let him know that I changed by actions not words but I didn’t get what I have to do by action in case I’m in situation like
There is no contact but I love the idea because I tried several methods no contact and so many but it didn’t work but how can I let him know I changed by actions if there is no contact
Yes, that is certainly a tricky situation. My first thought is that there’s no way change can occur in a relationship when there’s no contact between two people. But as I think about it now, I can remember numerous situations where that wasn’t true. Situations where the passage of time changed relationships because people grow or because time apart changes perspectives.
I know that’s a difficult situation to be in, and I wish you had an opportunity to build the relationship you really want with him.
For now, the healthiest thing you can do is invest in other people. That doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship you want. It means you’re choosing to invest in your own emotional well-being by not giving one person the power to control your happiness. So I would encourage you not to put all your eggs in one basket, no matter what your heart tells you.
When an opportunity for “propinquity” emerges with the man you have your sights set on, you’ll be in a healthier place because of broadening your life to include new relationships. You’re more likely to attract him and build a connection with him because of having invested in other relationships.
I totally agree investing some time in fixing thins can be disappointment at this stage and even some times when it tried the goal techniques in your book relationship rewrite he didn’t respond maybe because I did it in wrong way but I’m almost gave me sometimes I just feel he made his descion based on the way I communicate with him and ended the relationship with message that we can fit each other even thought when I suggested to have a second chance he said he can’t believe he can meet my expectation what I certainly want to ask does the guy can change his mind after building some negative image because maybe the suitable thing is to move on right ?
Thank you so much James for educating me. I am so pleased and hope all that i have listen will give a good result.I hope i am going to relate well with my men and this will help me manage my money as well
how are you doing today my nice friend…
hi James, I’m enjoying reading your blogs and u really have a big heart to less fortunate and to all ppl that have a lovelife problem,you are so amazing person….anyway,her’s my problem my bf is now havibg love interest to others, I thought we fixed our problem and that girl messaging me, saying and pretending that they’re just friends, and then she sent their conversations from fb,but their cinversation is flirting each other I realize this girl just stalking me.The girl not pretty but my bf seemingly like her. i realize my bf used to playing around..many of his girls messaging me and discouraging me to him…I’m not bragging but my looks huge far from these girls,I wonder why my bf used to flirt.I thought he has a high standard…can you help me what simple words to say to him and let him chase and focus to me….I adjusted and keep calm after we fixed our problems. I want him to stay with me. But he now not reading my messages anymore…()he knows my passwiord in fb by the way cuz he is a jealous guy. We have deeply connections before and planning for marriage,but now it all change.
Maybe you should start by asking him what he wants. Does he actually want to focus on a relationship with just one woman? Or is he planning a life around having multiple romantic relationships going on all the time? Sometimes a simple question helps a person to look at their own actions and consider whether those actions are consistent with their long-term plans and ultimate values. Unless he desires a committed monogamous relationship, you would do yourself a disservice by continuing to pursue such a man.
Regardless of his verbal response to you, set a timeframe in your mind to observe whether or not his actions communicate the same thing that he says to you with his words. Then make a decision to move on or invest.
James
Your advices are motivating and they give an opportunity for change. It is a pity that listening is not a great point with most of us. We always want to share more of our stories than listen to other people.
thank you
Dear James
Thank you for this read. Today I just had an eye opener. My contract ended in August then the company gave me false hope. My man wanted to be there for me and to talk about how I feel. I just threw him careless words that my job is everything. I don’t depend without telling him how I truly feel and going through as you advice. Things have turned sour since and now I don’t know how to fix it. I love him so much and he is quiet and not responding even to my texts. 💔
Waow I really loved this one.thanks James .I hope this is going to help me better connect with this guy who just got divorced and needs to trust and connect .Thanks again
Thanks for your encouraging words, Alima.
James
I really enjoys reading your emails,thanks so much for this article ,James.
I am 78 years old. Regret not having had this info earlier in my life…Thank you B
I love ur advices and I learned a lot by u james…I am thankful that I got a chance to have this opportunity of knowing more about life in other stories I listened and learned to..
Hello James,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. your words give courage to move on and see hope were it was blank. I loves all your mails and always look forward to them. Please help me out here, What do i do with the guy that always avoid talking about himself. Whenever I ask anything about him to get to know him better he shuts up. Am I in the right relationship? Thank you a lot. Keep the good work.
Hi Susan. Thanks for the encouragement. Check out some of my thoughts on your question here: https://beirresistible.com/silent-men/
Hi, James, thanks so much for this article! I think I am good at conversation and listening, as people usually open up to me easily. However, I have found myself in the ‘wannabe’ great conversationalist example as well, and I want to improve on it by
– sharing my story in a better way, as well as on
– listening to his story without interrupting but getting involved with it, to really connect through.
I already know I want to master the art of deep listening and sometimes I interrupt his story, due to excitement and discovering similarities, etc. – this is something I want to improve on.
Can you give us a couple of examples on this:
– “Deep listening is all about learning his story. It’s a method that allows you to experience his story in a way that makes him feel like someone gets him on a deeper level. The more you learn about his hopes and dreams, fears and frustrations, the more you matter to him. ” – He opens up with this pretty frequently and it usually takes very little before it happens. But what I want to improve on is to contribute to the conversation so it could go as deep as it gets – as much as he would like to share with someone who really gets him. Currently, I have a feeling my excited wording helps the conversation, but at other times, I kind of pull the conversation to my experiences – which he listens attentively and switches conversation to what I am sharing – while I actually wanted to just make a connection between our similar stories, and wanted him to go on with his story.
– Don’t be one of those people. Instead, start conversations by sharing what it’s like to be you. Let him into your world. Instead of telling him about yourself, let him see your life through your eyes.” – How? In which words, for example?
Thanks much!
Great question, Mirta. Okay, here’s an example of the idea of “show, don’t tell.”
Here’s the tell version. “It was a company picnic, and of course they thought softball would be a good idea. I was up to bat, and the pitcher just about hit me with the ball the first time. I was kind of annoyed, but I think that might’ve been a good thing, because my anger came out in the next swing. Everyone was amazed how far I hit that ball.”
And here’s the show version. “It was a company picnic, and of course they thought softball would be fun. I felt a little shaky as I stepped up to the bat, you know, that nervous feeling when a lot of people are watching you and you feel a bit limp and shaky at the same time? I watched the first ball come so close to my head that I think it changed my focus. I remember looking at the guy’s face, trying to read whether he was angry at me or something. I felt like he wasn’t taking me seriously and might’ve done it on purpose to show off or something. Next thing I know, I hear “Crack!” and I’m watching the softball fly over everyone’s heads. I just stared at the ball for a second before I realized what happened. My adrenaline poured itself into the ball that was now halfway across the field.”
In the second version, there’s more sensory elements that give him the feel of what it would be like to have experienced your world for himself. It draws the listener in because they imagine it instead of just listening to it and analyzing the words you say on a conceptual level.
Thank you for that example, as I also was querying the difference of tell & show.
I look forward to your insights and helpful ‘clues’ into the wonderful world of relationships we humans continue to experience. As someone stated earlier, you seem to actually care about your captive audience, not just making money.
I’m single for now, and am having a bit of ‘fun’ using your lessons where needed.
Thanks, James!!!
Love your insights and suggestions on how to build meaningful connection. I could listen forever! Would love to hear more on this topic. Learning and appreciate what you share so much because when I try the things that resonate, they work!! <3
Mirta, one way is to be curious of his reactions to his own experiences. Be curious to how he felt before, during, and after. Only allude to your own experiences, by referring to “when something similar happened to me, I had felt…, but how did you react? Did you expect to react that way? “. Don’t go into your experience. Just your feelings about it, then ask about his. If he’s curious and if he asks how your experience was like this… Then it’s a green flag. You can tell him. Curiosity about HIM is key, and if he’s a keeper, it will cause reciprocal curiosity from him about you.