I’m often asked whether it is possible for love to be rekindled.
If a man lost interest, can he fall for you all over again?
I’m happy to reassure my clients that yes, it’s possible!
Couples get back together all the time.
A YouGov poll of 22,000 Americans found that nearly 1 in 2 had gotten back together with an ex. (1 in 5 had gotten back with an ex more than once!)[1]
But that’s not really what my clients are asking me.
They want to know whether it’s possible that a specific guy will fall for them again.
That’s more difficult to answer.
Here are 3 questions that can help to decipher whether your relationship will have a second chance.
Question #1. What were the circumstances of the breakup?
You have a greater chance of getting back together if:
- The relationship ended because of practical reasons.
- The breakup was amicable.
- He had mixed feelings.
Psychologist Nancy Kalish studied people who’d reunited with a lost love.
She found that romance was more likely to be rekindled if the relationship had ended for reasons beyond the couple’s control (like moving).
There’s no closure when a relationship ends because of practical reasons. You never got to see what might have happened if the relationship had a chance. So you’re naturally curious about what might happen if you try again.
Next, the way you break up matters.
If you said things at the end that shouldn’t have been said, his pride and hurt may keep him from reaching out again.
Relationships have a greater chance of being rekindled if you didn’t burn your bridges.
Finally, nearly half of couples feel ambivalent about breaking up. They have reasons to stay and reasons to leave.[2]
Reasons to stay include:
- Depending on your partner
- Feeling close when times are good
- Not wanting to lose everything you’ve put into the relationship
- Hoping your partner will change
- Feeling responsible for making it work
- Not wanting to face single life again.
Never discount the power of having a history together. Even if he gets into a new relationship, it’s unlikely to have the same depth or ease as a relationship with someone who knows him inside out.
Question #2. What’s happened since?
You have a greater chance of getting back together if:
- You’ve matured.
- He’s matured.
One of the big reasons for staying together is the hope that your partner will change.
Hope is a powerful force in relationships. Happy couples are optimists. They believe rough times are only temporary.
Unhappy couples are pessimistic. They believe it’s going to be this bad forever.
If he broke it off, chances are he felt pessimistic. He didn’t think things would have changed.
You can prove him wrong.
Use this time to challenge yourself on a personal level. Explore new interests, take classes, read books, make new friends.
But be warned…
As you grow and change, you may no longer feel the same way about him.
We tend to attract partners who are at a similar stage in life as us.
If we head off in a new direction, we no longer have as much in common with the people who stayed behind.
Question #3. What is your communication like?
You have a greater chance of getting back together if:
- You can still make each other laugh.
- You can talk honestly about what went wrong.
- You can let go of resentment and hurt.
After a breakup, it’s healthy to take a break from seeing each other.
You need time to heal. Constant reminders of him don’t help.
But it can be hard to stop reaching out. You want to know why he ended it. You want him to see how much you’re suffering. You need him.
Unfortunately, reaching out to him after the breakup can push him away even further, because he can tell you’re still holding on.
It also prevents him from experiencing the consequences of his actions. He doesn’t get to feel how empty life is without you, because you’re still talking to him.
Take a break from communication in the aftermath of the breakup. Try again when you feel more grounded.
He’ll find you more intriguing when he can see you’ve made a new life for yourself.
Unless a major issue (like infidelity) broke you apart, he probably feels some regrets about ending the relationship. Nothing can erase his memories of you or the history you shared.
Honor that history by handling the breakup in a way you can be proud of. Don’t say things you’ll regret. Invest in personal growth. Wait to communicate until you’re feeling steady again.
You might just get a second chance.
[1]https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/36001-breakups-getting-back-together-bennifer-poll
[2]https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550617722834?forwardService=showFullText&tokenAccess=rSnPjUjJKhefxXSuwIJt&tokenDomain=default+domain&journalCode=sppa
So I was dating someone for 5 weeks. Amazing very vulnerable dates, he was more vulnerable then me probably it takes me some time. I think things went so well and so fast that it scared the both of us coming from divorce, and he is finalizing one ugly divorce now.
I feel like the breakup was a mix of everything, his settlement/divorce being overwhelming and stressful, she is not settling, the kids, and then also meeting my expectations which was a challenge towards the end because he kept having to change the plans and could not communicate very much with his ex due all their divorce drama/court orders and it kind of got in the way of our time, which was hard and frustrating.
He was very down on himself too, felt like a failure, like he was not good enough for me. I told him your not a failure, I really value our connection and would be sad to not have you in my life. You make me happy, even if things are a little challenging but he already seemed kind of shut down. The day before this he literally asked me to come see him and his kids from afar. But like how does someone change their feelings that fast..
When he came to me, he was very unsure about weather or not he wanted to see me again, he felt overwhelmed and numb, felt like there was a disconnect all the sudden and was just very unsure but said he had feelings, saw a potential and compatibility.
So I had to say this is concerning me and I am sure that I at least want to continue building on this, I would fight for this but I don’t feel reciprocated. He said he was not sure if the divorce made him feel like this but he was not sure he wanted to or could fight for this. So I said maybe its best you take some time to think about this then unless you just want to end things here I will accept that. He said no to that (of course). He agreed that he felt like taking some time but said he wanted to stay in touch and maybe we could still progress this. He has kind of checked in on me every week, I have initiated a bit too (I know not smart) but now its been 6 days since I heard from him. Said he felt like he wanted to finish his divorce first which will maybe take 1-2 months but could see himself continue after that.. that’s very hard to count on.
We never even really had a fight, of course I felt hurt, we both have trauma and insecurity, he has been insecure at times too. We both said we felt like this was very special and vulnerable. I’ve never been able to communicate with a man like this even during a break-up.
But I am feeling SO depressed and sad right now, its been 4 – almost 5 weeks of not seeing each other and I still have this hope. I just can’t get over how special this felt, and I’ve been married before. But I am like I don’t want to be strung along and I am also terrified he has now moved on since its been 6 days of no check in.. I am constantly in my head.
Any advice is appreciated.
I’m really sorry to hear how much this situation is weighing on you, but I can understand why. Breakups can be incredibly tough, especially when there’s still a lot of uncertainty and unresolved feelings involved. It sounds like you both had a deep connection and that’s something that’s hard to let go of.
It’s clear that you’re still holding onto hope, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel this way after a tentative sort of breakup like this one, especially when the relationship was as meaningful as yours was in such a short period of getting to know each other.
You mentioned that he’s going through a divorce and that it’s been affecting his ability to commit to your relationship. This is a big life event and it’s understandable that he might need some time to process everything. It’s also clear that he’s dealing with a lot of self-doubt and insecurity, which can make it even harder for him to make decisions about his future. It helps to remember that those are features of HIS life situation and not a reflection on you or the relationship the two of you started forming.
It’s great that you’ve been supportive and understanding, but it’s also important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t want to be strung along, and that’s a valid concern.
Remember, it’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to grieve the loss of the relationship. But it’s also important to remember that you deserve someone who is fully present and committed to you. You deserve to be happy and loved, and it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and feelings.
So you may want to consider setting some boundaries for your interactions with him. If his checking in on you is causing more confusion or pain, it might be worth discussing this with him or taking a step back for your own emotional well-being. it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness and mental health.
However, if you feel strong enough to keep the doors of communication open with him, that is the best way to allow time to work its magic. It gives your potential future relationship the best shot. But if you choose that route, don’t invest your whole heart and attention in the relationship. Date other people. Spend time with friends and distract yourself with the art of living life to the fullest. Then, if something does work out in the future, you win. And if he just drifts away you still win because you have allowed yourself to move on and meet new people and build on the narrative that you are already whole and well, and able to enjoy all that life has to offer.
James
Please help me to get him back
I hope it works out with you. Everyone deserves to be happy