Sometimes, at social gatherings, people hear about my work and immediately start sharing their opinions about relationships.
Usually it’s all in good fun, but recently it almost pulled me into a heated argument.
Ethan and Alice were a couple in their thirties. They were both successful professionals who seemed to have a good life together.
But as soon as Ethan found out I was a relationship coach, he spent a good ten minutes venting about how hard men have it in relationships.
“Everyone expects too much of men,” he said. “We’re like Atlas holding up the world. We have to be perfect—no slipping up, ever. If a man gets sick or stumbles, no one cares how he’s doing. All they care about is whether the world will come crashing down. No one offers to lighten the load or even notices how much work we do.”
Alice, visibly frustrated, cut him off.
She felt the same way—but about women.
She thinks men don’t realize how much women do.
If she gets sick, the dishes pile up, the toilet paper runs out, and no one steps in. Her work is invisible, and so is her exhaustion.
So she didn’t want to hear men complain about how they’re not appreciated, thank you very much.
If I didn’t stop them there, Ethan and Alice would have gotten entangled in their favorite argument:
Who’s doing more for the relationship?
Who has it harder?
Sound familiar?
The “Who Does More?” Debate
Many of us have gotten into a similar argument.
Your partner complains about how much they’re doing, and you respond by listing everything you’re doing.
Keeping score of who worked harder or who had the worse day pits you against each other. Instead of empathizing, you end up arguing.
When you both feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting, you can end up feeling resentful, burned out, and unappreciated.
Most of us know what we should do in this situation. We should remember we’re on the same side and appreciate each other.
But there’s one thing people often forget to do:
Fix the reason you’re getting into those arguments in the first place.
Step 1. Look for Ways to Stop Overextending Yourself
Surprisingly, doing less in your relationship can be better than doing more.
No relationship thrives when both partners are constantly overextending themselves. Relationships need rest and play to flourish.
If you have a habit of giving and giving until it harms your health or happiness, it’s time to reassess.
Ask yourself:
- What are my limits? How much can I take on before my happiness and performance start to suffer?
- How often do I push past my limits—and is it always necessary?
- How well do I communicate my limits?
- Do I do too much in order to keep myself busy or feel better about myself?
It’s easy to believe you can’t stop or disappoint people. But often this pressure exists more in your head than in reality.
Saying “no” is hard, but it’s healthier than living with resentment.
Step 2. Fix the System, Not Each Other
Life would be easier if your partner did everything exactly when and how you asked.
But if your rest depends on your partner’s obedience, you’ll never truly get a break.
Instead of trying to change him, think of ways you can change your systems.
How can you reduce the workload for both of you?
Radically rethink your approach. Consider changes you might never have thought of before.
Try this exercise:
- Write down every task you handle, big or small. Have your partner do the same.
- Review each task together. Is it essential? Is the person who’s doing it the best person to do it? Is there any way this task could be automated or outsourced?
Making just a few things a little easier can have a big impact.
Step 3. Communicate
When you find yourself agreeing to do something that you don’t really want to do, you can end up feeling resentful.
That resentment can end up poisoning your relationship.
Instead, check in with yourself before saying yes.
How do you really feel about it? Will you feel resentful if you take this on and it ends up being more work for you?
When you’re feeling overburdened, don’t suffer in silence. Talk to your partner.
Let them know you’re feeling stressed and need a break or some help.
And the next time you’re tempted to argue about who does more, take the discussion in a new direction.
Tell your partner, “Yes, we’re both doing too much. How can we make life easier on ourselves?”
By setting better limits, finding better ways to do things, and speaking up when you need support, you can finally stop feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
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